Since You've Been Gone
by TheShepherds
Summary: Set in the midst of season fifteen of Grey's. Derek Shepherd is determined to get back to his wife and children after an accident that changed his life permanently. While he battles his own inner demons, he's forced to come to terms that things are not just as he left them. Not your average Derek never dies fic. First canon MerDer FanFiction!
1. Must Get Out

**Hello everyone. It's been quite a while since I've published anything to be completely honest. My inspiration pops but I can never find myself the time to write or desire to right so to speak. I had a falling out with MerDer I feel like, especially after watching who Meredith Grey has become since Derek's death. I had not planned on writing anything or this at all but it's been a notion in my head a piece of me just felt like it was necessary to do. Derek Shepherd will forever be my favorite television character and I want to give him some kind of justice.**

 **This is different for me. I have never done a canon story besides a one shot over a year ago. I want to try and make you all proud and realistic as possible. Of course there are going to be the bumps and certain things that just don't make sense but I will do my best to do so.**

 **Basically this is a tale of the over used trope, what if Derek didn't die? I'm trying to make this version unique as he is reappearing in the season 15/2018 time frame. A small disclaimer, I do not own Grey's Anatomy or the storyline previous to this one. I haven't watched a lot of anything since season 11 but I know enough to make this story accurate. Also, I am not a doctor so anything medical in the story is all from google or the show.**

 **Thank you for your support. I hope those MerDer fans who are still out there enjoy this tale.**

* * *

The air was moist. Not something he particularly found strange but just a detail he happened to notice. Seattle was the rainy city. A small smirk finds his cheekbones, remembering that notion one of the many reasons he'd chosen to move down to Seattle in the first over a decade before.

A lump forms in his throat thinking upon life before now. If do overs existed, maybe he would leap at the chance to wipe his slate clean. Then again that would come with the price of losing all the memories he'd made since moving to Seattle. The people he met. The stories he encountered. The trauma. Perhaps the agony he faced dissipating wouldn't be such a burden as would everything else.

Derek Shepherd inhaled the woodsy scent of pine. The fragrance fluctuated to his nostrils and brimmed at the space of his lungs. The smell of wet grass a scent he found himself jovial to encounter again. The air around him was misty. Light drizzles of water cascading on his coat. The droplets plopped and slid against the nylon jacket, his worn baseball cap, and the cross trainers.

He doesn't know exactly what he'd expected after traveling from England back to his roots. It sure as hell wasn't an older man with round glasses and a cane answering the door.

 _"I'm sorry sir, Meredith Grey doesn't live here anymore. Not since 2015."_

Derek's stomach tumbled at the confession. He would've rather his wife or maybe ex-wife to meet his gaze and wack her palm across his cheek then to be given the dreadful news that she was no longer a residence here. The home he built from scratch for _her_ was just a house now. The woodsy cabin was a Shepherd/Grey household only. Somehow the person he trusted more than God himself gave up on it so easily she sold the abode without hesitation.

Maybe his wife felt the house wasn't her own with him not in it, but that didn't mean she had to get rid of it that way. This land was sacred. A multitude of memories spent right there below his feet, on the grass, in dream house, the trailer.

 _The trailer._

It was gone.

GA

Meredith sank boneless against the squeaky springs of an on-call room mattress. Her toes curling and wiggling. A lopsided grin stretching from ear to ear like a child on Christmas morning. Of course the present she received moments earlier was much less PG than a Barbie doll or bike. A coat of fresh sheen slathered her collarbone. The beast between her legs was still trembling, tingling, popping, a sensation she never wanted to die.

Bringing the paper thin sheet around her exposed breasts and torso, Meredith flips to her side and meets a chocolate brown haze. The eyes of a resident in which she never expected to be in such a daunting position with, much less any other _position_ they enjoyed over the last half hour. "I've got to stop having sex with you." She croaked, sliding her tongue against the dry lips of her cavern.

Her secret lover preened. His body still exposed against the beige sheets, showcasing all his glory. The bits between her legs zapped with arousal.

"Seems to me like you're enjoying this." Surprisingly his hand fled to her inner thighs. He cupped her, soothing his fingertips to the supple skin.

A breath hitched in Meredith's esophagus. He was making this difficult to say no, especially when his iron hard-on burned her memory with a porny haze. But she couldn't. Not when there were patients who needed assistance, surgery to be done, people to-

"Oh fuck." Meredith whined. She was his harp. Her resident strummed her so well she was begging for more.

No man since Derek was able to make her tingle like this. Not even Nathan Riggs who she hooked up with a multitude of times. "Stop. You have to stop." Her tone slightly more demanding. While it did feel **great** , in retrospect there most likely were people searching for her.

"Have it your way, Dr. Grey." He winked.

Meredith's retort was merely an eye roll, nonetheless an amused one. She searches the floor for her garments and shoes. Her porcelain colored skin is soon replaced by a royal blue. "Saved by the bell." She snickers when her pager echoes across the thin on-call room walls. Bender

"Stay five more minutes?"

"Nope, 911, seems important I'm being paged again. Hopefully someone was spleen is in two, I'm dying to get into the OR." She trooped to the threshold with a beaming grin.

Screwing Andrew Deluca felt so sinister when she thought about it. Except her deviant side fed off the secrecy. It was the first time since being with Derek that she felt, **alive**. Meredith's life no longer felt as if she were flying on autopilot. She'd taken back the reigns to her own flight. She was the pilot now.

If her beeper wasn't so off it's rocker she might have dashed back just to place a simple peck to his lips. Instead, she kept him wanting more. Meredith vanished down the hall without another a word.

GA

Derek's forehead touched the cold glass of the car window. Sights and scenery passed him by within the blink of an eye. Many were familiar while others drew his mind to a blank. He was still processing the ordeal pertaining his trailer. Maybe it had been one thing to sell their home but it was completely another to ship off airstream.

That tin cabin is what transformed his life.

If he remembers correctly, Owen was the one who last resided in the trailer. Even so it was still Derek's property which would have made it Meredith's after his _death_. The only person allowed to sell the trailer would have been Meredith's doing. What could have prompted her to get rid of it? He could ask the same regarding the home he built from scratch just to appease her. What the hell happened?

His Uber filed onto the Ferry leaving Bainbridge. With the notion of a twenty minute ride back to Seattle, Derek took the opportunity to get some fresh air, grapple at perspective just so he could make some sense out of this ordeal. A glimmer of sunlight peeked through the thick clouds. The drizzling halted a little after leaving his land.

Derek grunted in an effort to extract his body from the backseat. Moving around felt like a job rather than a normal bodily function. His calves were sore. They **always** throbbed in agony. Ever since the crash at least. When the idea of walking was inexcusable, he usually sucked it up and trailed along with his cane. It gave him balance when his knees buckled. Albeit he also felt shame. Like an elderly who _needed_ such a tool just to get from one corner to another. Derek wasn't old by any means. His use of the cane dated from surgeries, scarring, and semis ramming him. Usually when he was either in a state of relaxation or knew migrating wouldn't be much on the itinerary, Derek left his stick behind. Besides, it was freeing without the sympathetic stares and confusion lacing strangers expressions.

Wind and water peppered his cheeks. He hadn't ridden a ferry since before the accident. Not because London was brimmed with them but he couldn't bring himself to enjoy a ride. Not when it reminded him of what he was missing back home.

His journey remains complicated. Something he's unsure how he'll explain to Meredith, Amelia, his children. He thinks maybe Amelia will be more forgiving. She's gone through battles just as he had. She wouldn't judge his actions, or so he likes to hope.

Meredith's been through shit too except she's more stubborn than Amelia. It's difficult for her to cave and he understands completely. Especially since he's provided on more than a single occasion how untrustworthy he can be. Except, in the years of their marriage he really had done all that he could to prove she could trust him. Then D.C. happened and he swapped spit with an lab tech. But even after their tumultuous year surrounding the brain mapping, their bond gave them a chance to pull through.

He's worried this time a romantic speech isn't going to patch up their mess. It's even worse because no one could truly begin to understand what he's gone through just to be here.

Derek rests his elbows against the cold metal bar. He watches water tread. An older female he doesn't recognize glances his way. A tiny girl, maybe three or four, sits on the woman's knee. A kilowatt smile stretches the toddlers rosy skin. She has gorgeous blue eyes. Something about her feels familiar. He's certain to have never laid an eye on her a day in his life. Except her features and soft giggle resemble clarity in a way.

A small hand grabs at his worn jeans. Derek shoots a grin at the girl whose escaped the older woman's hold. "Daddy!" She beams with joy. Her bravado constricts him. No one had given him the title since 2015. His stomach churns.

"Ellis!" Hisses her guardian. "I'm sorry about this."

"Oh no, it's okay. I don't mind." His lip curves.

The woman he's addressing is pudgy around the edges. She's dressed in black slacks and a burgundy sweater. Her chocolate orbs are kind and sweet. The type that draws you in. They make anyone feel secure.

"I'm her nanny, Melissa. She had a bit of a fever this morning so she's with me for the day rather than her normal daycare. Usually I look after her and the other children around three. I think she's just confused. Her father passed before she was even born and it's difficult explaining to a three year old that he isn't coming back."

Derek nodded, feeling heartbroken for the little girl he knew nothing about. Sometimes he pondered how lost his own two children must've felt after his departure. Had they ever ran to any strangers optimistic their father returned from the dead? "I'm so sorry."

"No it's not your fault. What happened to her father was traumatic or at least that's what I've heard. I came along a little after Ellis was born when her mother said she needed some assistance with the children. Poor thing, it was evident for a long while she seemed lost without her husband. In Ellis's defense, you do resemble her father. I've seen photographs in the house so I can see why she might've been confused."

"I lost my father at a young age and it's not easy. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose someone before you even met them." Listening to this girls story only urges him to go see his family. Screw it if Meredith slaps him across the face, all he desires is to be back and present in their lives.

Derek sat with Melissa and Ellis for the rest of the ferry ride. He found comfort listening to the toddler babble and squeal in delight. She truly was a beautiful child. It broke him to think she didn't have a father around and a mother who was so busy they relied on the nanny more than her.

Derek was certain he'd find his estranged wife working. Initially he desired trying 613 Harper Lane in an attempt to find Meredith. Except the raging fear he'd meet eyes with Alex Karen or his intern girlfriend Jo wasn't something he was intended.

The very sight of Grey-Sloan Memorial was chilling. Things were different but all too familiar. Vehicles changed, new faces approached, but the building itself was still as it always was. He recollects back to when this hospital was simply Seattle Grace. A place he'd been able to reinvent himself for the better.

Derek thanks his driver, grabs his cane, backpack, and sunglasses as he struts down the parking lot. It's ironic that he doesn't recognize anyone. New nurses, interns, attending's.

Finding Meredith seems impossible. He tried calling her before boarding the plane late yesterday evening. Except he was greeted by a masculine voice insisting no Meredith Grey had this number anymore. He doesn't have a pager or one that he even thinks would be valuable anymore. He'd have to find someone to get her for him.

Almost is if fait knew his predicament, a rather scrawny, shaggy haired, who seemed to be a clueless intern bumped into him head on. Derek's cane dropped and a cluster of charts went soaring.

"Oh god." The intern trembled, scrambling for the lost papers and mixed charts. "S-Sorry! I was trying to get these to the lab, but I got caught up with sex- I mean not sex! That would be inappropriate in a hospital where we don't have sex but treat patients instead. Sorry"

His floppy brown tendrils brushed against his perspiring forehead. The glasses resting on the bridge of his nose appeared as if they were near to fall off. It took much of Derek's strength to withhold a chortle. It was evident he really _was having sex_. Of course as an intern it seemed he didn't quite know that most to all the surgeons here indulged on inappropriate carnal participation whenever they pleased.

"It's fine, don't worry about it." Derek quirked his lip while the intern handed him his cane.

"Levi, I mean, Dr. Schmitt. I'm an intern and even though I've been here almost a year I'm still having... trouble getting things the places they need to be. I can't remember where freaking CT is and if I don't get these scans there soon, Dr. Shepherd is gonna have my ass."

Instantly, Derek froze. He was speaking of Amelia. Maybe somewhere deep down Derek desired to cackle over how whipped this poor guy was. It didn't shock him in the slightest his sister was taking charge and making it apparent it was her way or no ones way. Much like many of the physicians here did to those lower on the surgical chain.

"How about we help each other out then huh, Dr. Schmitt?"

Levi's eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlines. He seemed to want a little bit of assistance. "B-But you're a patient, I don't know how you could help me."

"I'm not a patient. Dr. Shepherd is my sister. Tell you what, I'll talk to her and tell you where CT is if you help me do one thing." Derek smirked deviantly, raising a brow.

Judging by the euphoric beam masked over his face, Levi couldn't put two and two together that Dr. Shepherd even had a brother who is supposed to be dead as a door nail.

"Sure! Anything!"

"Page Dr. Meredith Grey. Tell her it's a 911."

The interns expression contorted like he'd just caught wind of something rancid. "I can't just page someone 911 when there's no emergency. And I thought you said Dr. Shepherd was your sister why do you need me to page Dr. Grey if-"

"Amelia Shepherd is in fact my sister one hundred percent, but I need to speak with Dr. Grey she's my wife."

"Dr. Grey doesn't have a husband she's a widow. Besides her boyfriend but I don't..."

Derek's blood ran cold. Boyfriend. His wife had a fucking boyfriend. Something twirled in his gut. A feeling that gave him incentive to charge his fist through a wall or maybe this "boyfriends" face.

"I'm telling you that I am Derek Fucking Shepherd and you're going to get me my wife immediately. I don't care if you have to get the entire floor to page her 911 a million and one times, you are going to get her here now." His fist clenched at the side of his jeans.

"O-Okay. I'll get her. I'll tell everyone not in an OR to page her for you."

Tension relinquished as Levi obeyed his request. Derek recoiled his tight grip at his hips. "Thank you. CT is second floor, east wing. When I see Amelia I'll tell her to go easy on you." With a flash the scrawny intern was out of sight.

Derek's gaze settled on the empty waiting area. His legs were pounding. He wanted a place to sit for a moment or two while he waited for Meredith.

"Derek?" A familiar voice caught his ear and a hand constricted at his shoulder.

GA

What was with the pathetic glances? Interns scrambled as she drew close. Meredith was certain the Medusa phase silenced after Jo Wilson's intern batch came through a few years back.

"Are you alright?" A scrub nurse asked, sympathy dripping from her tone.

"Yes, fine." Meredith retorted. Why wouldn't she be alright? She'd just had an awesome orgasm and was on her way to check out a new trauma. Things were fantastic.

"Does she even know?" A lab tech whispered to someone from oncology.

"God, can you imagine?"

"That must be traumatizing for her."

"No wonder she has trust issues."

"I bet her kids are never going to be the same."

"Dude what the fuck he's here?!"

"Did someone tell Amelia?"

"No, she told me!"

What the hell were these people talking about? Eyes pierced at every inch of her frame. She felt like a walking light show that no one could keep their optics off of.

"Meredith!" Shouted Maggie. She was breathless and trembling. She grabbed at Meredith's bony wrist and squeezed like her life depended on the constriction. "Oh my god, there you are."

"What's going on?" She demanded. "Where's the trauma I was paged 911 like forty freaking times. Why is everyone staring at me? Do you think they heard Deluca and I?"

Her sisters face dropped. Slowly her head shook. Trauma stole the usual jovial elixir in her dark irises. "Oh no, Mer, no ones told you have they?"

"Told me what?!" Her hiss echoed off the walls. Stealing glances from most everyone swarming the vicinity.

Without further questions, Maggie led Meredith down the hall to an exam room. The room was permeated by Richard Webber, Alex Karev, Jo Wilson-Karev, Miranda Bailey, and Amelia Shepherd. No one spoke besides Amelia. She was crying. A masculine back faced Meredith's eyes.

"Oh my god. Oh my god you're here. You came back, y-you're not supposed to be here." Her thin arms stretched along the man's neck. Her fingers sprouted through his salt and pepper curls. The mystery man was sitting on an exam table, still clad in street clothes. Jo was holding a hospital gown in hand. Maybe she was insisting whoever the hell this was put it on after Amelia finished her breakdown. Who was this guy anyway?

"Who is this?" She whispered to Maggie.

Everyone's eyes shot to her. Fear, guilt, horror laced their faces.

"Mer, you seriously don't know?"

"Am I supposed to know about some old boyfriend or family member of Amelia's?"

Richard cleared his throat. "Meredith, maybe you should sit down."

"I'm fine!" She replied aggressively. "Seriously what the hell is going on here?!"

Suddenly the word was moving slower. Everyone stopped. The room was no longer in motion. Her heart lessened it's thumping.

Holy shit.

GA

Derek was grappled by Amelia. Her eyes large, doe like, confused. Her eyes scanned him up and down almost as though if she weren't to give him a good run down then he wasn't real. It's not like Derek could blame his sister. He was in fact supposed to be dead. Really freaking **dead**. Except he wasn't. He was here at Grey-Sloan, locking orbs with his youngest sister.

"Amy, it's me." He quips.

"Of course I know it's you, dumbass!" She wacks his shoulder. He's amused by her antics. "Oh you think this is funny don't you?!"

"No, I don't I..." He tread off. "I think I'm just happy to have you abuse me is all." Derek snorted. Through the years of growing up in such a small home with so many people running around, it was easy to suggest most of the Shepherd siblings, especially Derek and Amelia, found themselves in fights. Normally it was Amelia slapping her older brother because he wouldn't play Barbies with her or allow her to hang out with he and Mark.

His sisters expression softened. Tears brimmed her orbs. "Derek." She whispered. "How is this even possible?" He shrugs as if to say he really had not a clue himself. His journey and story is more complicated than anyone could imagine. All he wants to do is sit down and talk about his trauma except now he needs to rekindle with his sister and wife.

"I know this is confusing, I just, give me time. I didn't fake my death, I promise. It's not what you think or anyone thinks." Judging by her glossy tears, it seemed that Amelia really could trust him. He was being honest with her.

"Der, what happened? God, you're holding a cane and the scarring on your neck I..."

"I was hit by a semi Amelia."

She rolled her eyes at him, curled her arms around his torso, and squeezed. "We need to get you to an exam room. I need to do some scans, I'll have someone give you a checkup you don't look too hot, oh Meredith! I'll get Meredith-"

"Amy, I already have that covered. I'm fine I've learned to accept the cane it's not that big of a deal. Just get me someplace that doesn't draw much attention. Get the people I can trust. You know, Richard, Bailey, Torres. You can bring Karev, Kepner, and Robbins too if they wanna see me or something."

Amelia huffed before gripping his hand. "Derek, Callie, Arizona, and April don't work here anymore. A lot of shit has gone down since you were last here."

That many gone since his departure. It was setting in that things most definitely weren't as they used to be around here.

He was led to an exam room. Not the one he and Meredith consummated in back at the prom a decade before, but similar. Familiar faces flood the cubicle. First Bailey. He was greeted by a glorious, "You fool! You're supposed to be dead!" Derek most definitely grinned from that one. Of course Alex then filed in shortly after and his girlfriend Jo behind him. She was holding a hospital gown. Then Richard who appeared like he was doing his best to keep tears at bay.

Noises from Meredith and someone else somewhat familiar... Maggie! Yes, he'd met Maggie. He wanted Maggie to be apart of Meredith's family.

Derek kindly comforted Amelia while she became hysterical in his arms. Derek held her tight, kept her close to his chest, brushed through her dark hair. "I'm not going anywhere." Derek murmured to his sister. He was destined to commit this time around.

When his eyes find Meredith's time stops. The party in his exam room diminishes. He's alone. He's with the love of his life. His wife. Meredith appears flabbergasted, but says nothing.

Derek preens with joy. "Hi, Meredith." Derek croaks with heady emotion. "I came home." He whispers.

And so he has indeed.

* * *

 **Alright there it is, something I've been planning for a really, really, long time. I never knew when the correct time to post this would be. I knew I didn't want to have Derek wake up in season 11 because that's not the reality we know today. Like I've mentioned, I don't watch Grey's Anatomy anymore. But I tune in enough and research that I know what's going on. I don't like what they're doing with the show. I think it's not at all what Grey's was and I feel that for those who still relish MerDer, I want to give everyone something realistic but also intriguing.**

 **If you aren't watching or haven't watched since season 11, I hope this makes sense or you too have gotten wind of things occurring in the show. I want to make it clear I do NOT condone Meredith with Andrew Deluca or really anyone other than Derek to be honest. However I can't just let Meredith and Derek get back together just like that with no issues involved. I have to let this play out and I really hope you all trust me enough to do this.**

 **I love Derek Shepherd with every inch of my heart. He means more to me than any fictional character I know. While I support Patrick wanting to leave the show 100%, I'd like to give the character justice after everything that's happened.**

 **I apologize for any errors, I have not had a beta look over this yet!**

 **Thank you for the support. Any comments or suggestions are always highly recommended. Thank you again and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.**

 **Ps: yes I know Jo and Alex are married but Derek doesn't. You need to remember that anything from his perspective is only things from season 11 and before. Think about that, especially that scene on the ferryboat.**


	2. Photograph

**Hi everyone, welcome to chapter two of Since You've Been Gone! Don't want to hold you up too much but I did want to mention a few flashbacks are mentioned so I hope you enjoy.**

 **Thank you for the support already, it means the world. Now onto the story.**

* * *

Meredith's irises sparkled. It was the most prominent thing Derek Shepherd captured as he first glanced at her. The emeralds gleamed like diamonds. Specks of periwinkle flakes haphazardly lie within her optic. Meredith's eyes were something he found himself getting lost in a lot of the time. They kept him sane.

 _"Sir?" This woman's accent rang his ear. Everything throbbed. From his head way down to his toes. Nothing made sense to him. He couldn't figure out exactly where he was or why he ended up here. Women dressed in mint scrubs surrounded his bedside. Pitiful glances fell toward his aching body._

 _Derek's waterline permeated with water. A feeling of tension churned through his abdomen. He was nervous. It was frightening, especially while women with ogling eyes who were practically drooling over the sight of him stared with wide orbs. If their eyes stretched any further they'd be freaking saucers or Bambi. "I don't... I don't know." He managed to gurgle. Words felt impossible. Mostly when his head was booming with agony._

 _"Oh no! Just relax. We um, we're going to run a few tests and then hopefully that will give a pretty good synopsis regarding where you stand health wise and then we can figure out the rest." She glimmered her pearly whites at him. They were so bright the imagery of her teeth nearly burned his retinas._

 _"Before we begin, I do want to ask if there is possibly anything you remember. I understand that right now speaking or moving at all is the last thing you probably want to do but we have not a clue who you may be."_

 _His mind blanked. It was a strange feeling being cognizant of material objects or knowing who the president was. Albeit Derek had no a clue who_ _ **he**_ _was himself. Frantically he blinked in an attempt to jump start his brain. Get the juices flowing, possibly spark a recollection. The repetitive blinking only introduced a headache and further dizziness. The woman he was currently convulsing with gave him a couple minutes to process her question. She didn't push and instead shot him a dainty grin, sitting in a chair adjacent to his bed._

 _In defeat Derek shook his head to answer "No." He really had not a clue who he was or what happened or why he might be in a hospital bed suffering memory loss. "I'm sorry. I-I don't know."_

 _He's predicted this woman might be a nurse of some sort. Scribbling his replies to a notepad attached to a clipboard. The pen chimes in tune with the monitors softly beeping. "That's alright. We predicted there to be some kind of memory loss considering how long you've been out."_

 _"Been out?" Had he slept a couple days past normal?_

 _"Technically yes. In fact we initially found you in the morgue. They were transporting your body until our diener caught wind that you were breathing. It was bloody insane! We've never had a patient in the morgue found alive before."_

 _Morgue? Diener? Breathing? Was he supposed to have been dead? His stomach tumbled. "Was I dead?"_

 _She chuckles softly. "Well I don't think you were ever dead. I believe you were_ _ **supposed**_ _to be dead. All we could figure out is that possibly you were mixed up with someone else but we haven't been able to figure out who. You were a transfer. No ID or any trace of where you truly belonged. We didn't look into it much though. Not when you've been in a vegetative state for a little over two years now."_

 _His throat went dry. Two years in a coma? It frightened him to think he was supposed to be dead. If this much time has passed and no ones claimed him, could that really have been his fait? Was he supposed to be six feet underground? That idea nauseated Derek. Bile found the back of his throat but he kept the burning sensation at bay._

 _"I really am supposed to be dead aren't I?"_

 _"I think so. That's why we assumed you were switched with someone else. We're thinking a male, someone who resembled you or else they would have caught the mistake. We've never received a phone call or any information since you've been here." A smile brimmed with pity finds her cheeks. "It's evident your physicians weren't great at their job. They sent you to the wrong transport and couldn't even tell that you were alive! How idiotic."_

 _Painfully Derek swallows. He wants some water to quench his sandpaper throat. He licks his lips to give moisture back to the crusted flesh. "You really have no idea who I could be?" The painful reality was setting in._

 _His nurse's sympathy smile transitions to a frown. She shakes her head. "I'm afraid not. You only came with a bag of clothes covered in blood, a pair of black boots, and a wallet. When we found it, the staff thought it could give us some information but nothing came. No ID or credit cards present. We're thinking when they sent you off, whoever is your spouse collected them. You don't have a British accent either which I'm afraid to inform you could mean you're very far from home."_

 _"Wait, how do you know I have a spouse." He blinks._

 _"There was a lot of cash in your wallet and a picture stuck in one of the folds. Hold on." His blonde caretaker sets her clipboard down on the cushion of her seat. Making a beeline around his bed, he can listen as she rummages through a plastic bin. "Ah! Here we go. When we found you there was a photograph of you and a girl in your wallet. No one on staff recognized her. Maybe if you look at the picture it might jog your memory."_

 _She passed over the crumpled picture. Dried blood stains and torn edges detailed the tiny photo. A fellow with dark curls whom he assumes could be himself and a woman. She was mesmerizing. Honey blonde tendrils and a few darker strands sloped down her face and over her shoulders. She was preening like a peacock. Her rosy cheeks smashed against his. The tiniest snout coated in freckles scrunched around her eyes. It was the irises that caught his attention. Green with specks of blue. Her orbs were shining, even through the worn paper of the photograph. This mystery woman was entrancing._

 _"She's beautiful." Derek husks. The pad of his thumb combs over her tiny face. The picture was a Polaroid and the couple seemed to be lying in a bed together. Dark silk eclipsed them in the picture. "But I don't remember her. I-I feel like there's memories. In my heart I know this woman but I don't know who she is."_

 _"That's okay. You have time to think about it. I'm going to inform your doctor you're awake. That way we can run a couple scans to see if any further procedures need to happen."_

It was crazy just a simple photograph kept him sane through his journey of amnesia in London. There'd been many occasions he felt useless while there. A multitude of times he felt like giving up was the only option available. It was difficult not throwing in the towel or raising his imaginary white flag. Especially after a year had gone by with not a soul claiming him and not a single recollection. No memories that would help him home anyways.

Derek felt determined to find his mystery girl. Whether his memories came soaring back or they didn't. Except when he had not a clue who he himself might be, it made that process difficult.

The time spent overworking his body through physical therapy and researching blonde girls with green eyes paid off as he stood just a couple feet from the woman he now knows as the love of his life.

Meredith was even more gorgeous than the day he departed. If he remembers promptly, her locks were darker than they were now. The last time he laid eyes on her before this moment was their languorous kiss at the threshold of their home.

 _Wait for me_ he'd said.

Her skin still pale and doted by more freckles than he could keep track. Beautiful nonetheless. Her hair lighter now. The stark hospital lightly reflects off the golden tendrils. She's glowing. He's quite sure she's swamped by confusion just like everyone else gaping in the exam room. Firstly, Derek wants her to know that his disappearance wasn't planned. Not something he counted on even desired to happen. Never would he purposely subtract himself from his wife and two children.

Slinking away from Amelia's firm hold, he hops off the table. On wobbly knees Derek trails to his wife. Meredith doesn't move or even make a peep. She's silent and stiff as his arms encircle her. Their bodies mesh like missing puzzle pieces. The familiar feeling of embracing with Meredith swirls back into existence. He relinquishes a heavy sigh of satisfaction. After so long apart, he now gets a chance to replenish the loneliness in his heart.

The scent of her hair draws him in. Lavender. His wife still seems to adore lavender conditioner. The skin of her body is warm, somewhat dewy, supple. His fingers trap in her long waves. Their embrace is almost perfection besides the fact Meredith's silhouette is tighter than a screw in a door jam. Most always their hugs soothed tension coiling. She did this for him as he did for her. A give and take of all sorts.

Except this time Meredith wasn't a pile of gooey warmth. She was rigid. Gently, Derek tugs away from the embrace and frowns. "Mer?" Derek whispers. The skin of his thumb strums her pink cheek.

Meredith cups her hand overtop of his. Their fingers intertwine like a basket. His wife squeezes. "Is this a dream?" She asks. Seriousness blankets her dazzling irises. Their usual glimmer is now gray, stormy, confused.

It breaks Derek to think he's broken her. He's been away for so long. Does he even _know_ this Meredith at all? "Oh god no, Meredith this is real. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Derek squeezes her back. His skin constricting so hard his knuckles transform to pasty white.

"You're supposed to be dead, Derek. I watched you die in front of me. They buried you." Meredith begins to sob. The tears he hated seeing fall found their way down her skin. Even a mere glimpse of the woman he loved breaking apart made his stomach churn. Meredith Grey did **not** deserve pain.

He shoved their audience to the side, uncaring if they witnessed the heavy moment between the two.

GA

Meredith Grey is most definitely dreaming. The notion that her husband whom she personally _watched_ succumb to the siren call of death was now here, with his two arms encased like wrapping paper around her chest. Derek was brain dead. That's exactly what Perfect Penny explained to her just moments after she admitted to killing her husband. Derek was Penny's screwup. The screwup who was supposed to be gone like the wind.

Except he was here. Holding her. Making her feel as though not a single moment had passed since he last embraced her this way. She wasn't supposed to be greeted by a miracle dream the way Nathan Riggs had. His case was completely different from her own. Megan was _lost_. They never found a body. A death pronounced simply by assumption, no facts.

Derek was a fact. He was really a **freaking** fact. She remembers his chest collapsing. Those final few breaths. At least, that's what she thought. She wanted to pinch herself or maybe Alex would do it. Was Meredith Grey finally nuts or had Alzheimer's caught up with her.

"Are you sure I'm not dreaming?" She hiccuped against the cotton of her supposed to be dead-as-a-door-nail husband. His chest was solid. Maybe not as rock hard or secure the last time she lie her head to his pectoral, but solid enough to keep her afloat.

Derek nods quietly, pushes back the bangs dangling across her glossy optics, and presses the softest of kisses to her forehead. "I'm here. I came home." He repeats.

None of this makes sense to her and she's still unsure exactly what the hell happened. But for now, Meredith finds solace in the security blanket of Derek Shepherd's grip.

"You know you're a Derek hog, right?" Meredith hears Amelia pipe somewhere in the background, sarcasm dripping. She only snorts at her sister's snarky commentary.

"Weren't you the Derek hog five minutes ago when hugging him like your life depended on it?" She quirked a brow. Brushing the stray tears from her cheek, Meredith steps away. A shaky breath escapes. She's let go and he's still standing next to her. Her visceral abandonment issues bet on it and poof! her Derek would be gone.

But he wasn't.

There he stood with a toothy grin and glossy eyes.

"Well I'm the one who found him standing at the nurses station like an idiot."

"Actually." Derek countered. "Some scrawny intern found me- ah, crashed into me actually. In fact, Amy, he was doing something for you. Dr. Schmitt I believe?"

Meredith twisted her gaze to her sister-in-law. It was challenging not to bust into giggles. Albeit she tampered the chortle fest.

"Glasses?" Amelia cocked her head at her brother. "He's almost as dumb as you are." Derek only rolled his eyes at the comments made by his little sister.

"I think he had glasses, yes."

"No, Derek." Meredith pressed her palm to his clavicle. Her gaze caught wind of the multitude of scarring near his collarbone. "We call him glasses because his well, glasses, fell inside a patient once. He really isn't the brightest of this intern group."

If it weren't for the staring faces, Meredith yearned to reach up and stroke his wounds. She was more than aware he'd been pummeled by a semi but seeing that his scarring was still this intense made her gut knot like a pretzel. She had so many questions. A pile so high the tip of her head might combust if she thinks up anymore. Besides the flashing neon sign practically bulging out everyone's caverns, why the freaking hell are you here?, there was a slew of different things still unknown. For instance his cane, why was Derek hobbling around with a cane?

Meredith decided against poking the bear. Not in this setting while everything was so critical to begin with. "Holy shit, glasses, literally inside of a patient?" Derek seemed bewildered by the new revelation. It made Meredith realize there was so **much** her husband had not a clue about.

The dream house, her Harper Avery award, Ellis-

Ellis. Derek didn't know he was a father to a third little chatty Shepherd child. So much had changed since he was last here. He also was unknowing that her boyfriend was ten years younger than she was or that she had a boyfriend at all.

It seemed that he wasn't the only one who had explaining to get done.

"Yep, it was actually Dr. Karev's patient, well Jo Karev, not Alex."

Derek's attention split to the Karev's who'd been patiently watching this entire ordeal go down over the last ten minutes. Jo pressed the hospital gown closer to her chest while Derek gazed with curiosity. "You two got married? Karev committed to someone?"

"Haha, hilarious Shepherd." Alex folded his arms. "I'll have you know I'm doing real well for myself. I have a hot wife **and** I'm chief."

Derek's orbs were saucers. "Chief? Meredith they made him chief before you?" Alex and Amelia scoffed. She could see Jo doing her best to suppress her laughter over the statement. Her husband was just as blunt as before the accident.

" _Interim_ Chief. Shepherd you know you're not Chief because you're busy playing house with Hunt and Grey over here is up to her neck making progress with mini livers alongside Mrs. Karev." Bailey intervened.

"Not really playing house anymore." Amelia mumbled beneath her breath. Ever since news broke that Teddy was carrying Owen Hunt's baby, Meredith was cognizant her sister hadn't taken the news quite well. She didn't particularly show off her emotions when it came to the situation but a gloomy cloud was following Amelia around no doubt.

"Bailey is actually Chief." Meredith smirked. She watched as her husband lit up only to shake his head as if to say, "Why am I not surprised?" it hadn't come much as a shocker to herself when Bailey took the job. It's not like that women didn't deserve it. For the entirety of her own career at Grey-Sloan, formerly Seattle Grace, Dr. Miranda Bailey made it evident she was the boss. Hell, there'd been numerous occasions Bailey ruled over Derek even when he was her attending.

"Karev had nothing going on per-usual I had to pick him."

"Hey!" Alex piped somewhere from the back. "I have plenty going on. I'm a married man, damnit." Jo pressed her lips to her husbands cheek and nodded at the acknowledgment. It still baffled Meredith that she was so entranced by Alex Karev. The _same_ Alex Karev who spent most of his residency and partial bit of the fellowship hooking up with any woman he could feast on.

Bailey mumbled something under her breath but made it evident she was seeking that others hear her comment. The shorter woman rested a hand on Derek's forearm. "While all this chitchatting has been fun, _**you**_ still need some scans and bloodwork done. God only knows what hellhole you ended up in. Grey, you're off the clock until further notice. I can't have you crying tears of joy into random strangers open abdomens."

"I'm Chief, I should get to call whether or not Mer is allowed to leave work." It was quite clear her person was doing all that he could to make a statement in front of Derek. It humored her to think Alex wanted to impress his former boss.

"Damnit Karev you're an interim chief! I only appointed you to take the stress load off of myself but it's still not working. I'm still Chief over all and if I say Grey isn't going to work, she isn't!" Alex didn't peep again regarding who really held the Chief position.

Maybe she'll miss being at work for a while but at least the leave of absence gives her the chance to reconnect with Derek and get to the bottom of what actually went down over the last couple years. "I'm serious. McDreamy, you can ogle over your wife after you put on that damn hospital gown and get a CT scan I don't want to hear a single complaint out of you. I swear to god you'd think maybe you fools would do as I say for once." Bailey exits the exam room, continuing the rant for remaining staff huddled outside the door to hear.

"Get back to your jobs people! Go save some lives!" Meredith can hear Bailey hiss. The noise of sneakers squeaking against the floor permeate Meredith's eardrum. She snickers.

"I see Bailey is still raging huh?"

"Oh yeah." Says Meredith. "Total Nazi criteria around here." She laughs and it feels good to know her euphoria stems from Derek.

The last three years had been a roller coaster of emotional depression any time Derek's name came up in conversation. With every bit of strength she held, all Meredith yearned for was a fresh start. To live in a world that didn't consume her with memories of her late husband. Now all she wanted was to think of him, be with him, tell him she really does love him through and through.

GA

Never could Derek have imagined watching one of the tiniest women he knew devour such a large cheeseburger make him _this_ giddy. The feeling was almost unnatural. He felt like a teenage boy again, prowling after the hottest cheerleader in his grade. Only difference was then Emily Walters rejected him and his "hot cheerleader" these days was a blonde munching on carbs and fat. Not that it mattered anyways. Meredith's metabolism was so high she could inhale a whole buffet and not gain a single pound.

The dim lamp light illuminating his hospital room provided enough light just to watch his woman eat dinner. She lie at his bedside, curled against his side, knees resting over his blanket clad lap. Just as Bailey demanded, Richard, Alex, and Jo were helpful to prepare scans, bloodwork, and other tests deemed of important.

None of the tests gave him an ounce of information he didn't already know. His brain clearly wasn't fucked up considering he was verbalizing and communicating just fine. The only thing that could've been seen as a red flag was the amplified coma and amnesia. His faulty memory lasted almost a year. Up until a week ago when things started piecing together. No one could begin to imagine how hard it was residing in a strange, foreign city with no memory of who he was.

The only thing Amelia countered was damage to his primary motor cortex. He figured so after the entirety of his memory returned. His poor motor function in the legs wasn't much of a shock. He can remember whilst staying in the Lambeth Hospital back in London that whatever accident he'd been in jammed his skull big time. Amelia insisted with a little more physical therapy he might regain eighty five percent function rather than the current seventy five he was dealing with. Even then, his chances of standing in on a twelve hour surgery seemed thin.

Work wasn't something he thought much about after flying into Seattle last night. Yes, Derek relished his profession of neurosurgery more than anything. But with the brain mapping fiasco in mind, it wasn't much of a let down knowing big operations weren't likely in his future. Working as a neurologist and performing craniotomy's weren't the end of the world. Those things still saved _millions_ of people's lives everyday.

The late night news was white noise to Derek. He leant over to rest his head on Meredith's crown, eyelids dipping. He still wanted to question her about their house and this apparent boyfriend she had. Not that he seemed to matter considering Meredith had been at Derek's side like superglue the entire day.

"You sure you don't want any?" Meredith brushed the remnants of ketchup from her upper lip with the guidance of her wrist.

Derek snorted but shook his head no. "I had a sandwich. The meds they gave me to manage the pain in my joints makes me tired anyways. Not really up for food right now."

His wife didn't question it. She shrugged and went back to indulging on her burger. Trickling his fingers down her spine, he slipped the tips of his fingers beneath her navy scrubs. Skin to skin. He stroked her warm flesh. "Weren't you scared?" Her voice sounds so small, so out of character.

"Scared when?" Derek retorts.

"You said you had amnesia. When you woke up, you had not a clue who you were or what happened. That has to be terrifying."

He can spot the terror in her own eyes. Being truthful it had been a nightmare. Feeling so helpless was agonizing. It was even worse being cognizant not a soul was looking for him. Not when he people thought he'd died. The last thing Derek seeks is to worry her. Clearly his wife has gone to hell and back over the last couple years. He doesn't want to add on to her stress with a tale of how gruesome it had been.

"Yes... it was scary. But I knew I'd eventually remember who I was. Someone would find me or I'd find them. Not to mention a couple minutes after I woke up they found a picture of us lodged in the back fold of my wallet." Derek beamed. That Polaroid was not only meaningful because the then pretty woman with sparkling green irises kept his sanity over the last year, but since regaining memory the overall meaning of that picture was all the more special.

The night before he was scheduled to fly out to D.C. and tie a few loose ends, Meredith and Derek were fooling around in bed. The only benefit of fighting was the **great** makeup sex that followed. That's exactly what the two had been up to since reconciling a week before.

" _Let me go with you." Meredith pleaded, wrapped in a thin gray sheet._

 _Derek shook his head. "No, Mer, you gotta work. Be here with the kids I promise this time I'm coming back for good." He really was coming back to Seattle full time. Being the head of a brain mapping initiative wasn't everything. Meredith Grey was his everything and losing her would cost him much more than a fucking career._

 _His wife huffed but nodded. He was right. "Fine, but when you get back there better be some sex." She winked at him. Her sheet fell, revealing every inch of her glory to his naked eye._

" _Yes, dear." Derek purrs in delight rolling over her body to begin another round of bountiful love making with his gorgeous wife._

 _Their carnal games extended well into the night and early morning hours. Derek relished his lover and was determined to show her that verbally and physically. The Polaroid first came about after Derek joked about wanting a few sultry poses of Meredith to keep him fed until returning. His antics received a swat to the shoulder and a playful nip at his bottom lip._

" _There's no way in hell I'm letting you carry around porny pictures of me in your back pocket!"_

" _Not in my pocket, Mer. The photos would be in my_ _ **wallet**_ _." Another hit to his clavicle but maybe he really had deserved that one._

" _You're a perv you know." His wife teased._

" _Not a perv." Derek insisted. "Just infatuated by my wife is all." And he really was. Just the mere sight of Meredith made him go all goopy on the inside. She came in and turned his world off it's axis._ _ **She**_ _was the reason he started living again after life became bland and worthless ten years ago. "Seriously, Mer, one picture."_

 _Meredith sat up and grabbed one of the king pillows from behind her body. "Why? So you can show your prestigious brain mapping colleagues your_ _ **hot**_ _wife's boobs?" She taunts._

" _Haha, funny. First, they aren't my colleagues anymore I don't work there now. Second, if I had pictures of my wife's boobs I definitely wouldn't be sharing. I want you all to myself." Derek leant over to his bedside table. Pulling the drawer out, he rummaged through the pile of junk, plucking his old Polaroid from the back._

 _He watched while her eyes scanned the object. "Seriously, no porny photos."_

" _It doesn't have to be porny. I'll even be in the picture with you if that makes you feel better."_

"You mean the one we took before you left?" Meredith gazes at him with curious eyes. Her finger danced across his collarbone, tinkering with the thin material of his hospital gown.

"Yeah." Derek coos. Meredith's dinner forgotten, he pushes a dangling strand of hair behind her ear. Tilting his head to meet her lips, they touch softly, timidly. Their lip lock is pretty PG. something small but meaningful. Only lasting a few short seconds, Derek brushes his nose against the space between Meredith's brows.

He thinks he might just be on cloud nine.

"Hey, Der?" Meredith whispers.

"Uh huh?"

Meredith's lips migrated to his earlobe. Her breath pulsed at his skin. He could feel her grinning. "Maybe when you're up to it, I could let you take porny boob pictures this time around."

He was a fit of laughter after that one. Even Meredith joined in, clasping her hand across her cavern to cusp the giggles. "Oh god." Derek sighed. "Seriously?" Lifting his brow.

"It was a freaking joke! God I swear even hospitalized you're insatiable."

Derek let himself drift with that comment.

* * *

 **I really like this chapter. I want to make something clear, the premise of this story is to revive Derek's character. While yes, there will be turbulence and drama, I genuinely know if Derek were to return in real life Meredith would most definitely go back to him no question. She wouldn't stay with Deluca or any other fling she's had. Derek Shepherd is the love of her life she's even said so herself.**

 **I was overwhelmed and overjoyed by the amount of love you guys gave the first chapter. Never has one of my stories been so popular first chapter like this. This is a plot line I've had to think about for months now and I feel overjoyed that I get to share it with all of you who adore MerDer.**

 **For those who have left guest reviews, I wish I could send you a PM and thank you for the kind words. Those who sent reviews from your accounts I am going to send thank you's!**

 **Also someone mentioned that they hoped the title of this story wasn't based off the song and it's not! The title just happens to be the same as the song ironically. While Meredith and Derek are going to have to work at their marriage as they always did in the show, I could never purposely separate them.**

 **Again your support on this is magical. It's what gave me inspiration to write another chapter for today! I can't wait to dive in deeper and fit Derek in with these current characters and give him a plot line that matters. Also, anything medical I've googled and if it's incorrect I'm sorry. Coma's can last several years or so I've read and usually when a patient is unplugged, it takes them a while for their heart to quit beating or they stop breathing. In Derek's case what we're going with is that they just didn't catch the mistake. I've read cases of those were pronounced brain dead came back fine. I didn't want to write a story where his brain was permanently damaged as I've seen it done before.**

 **Thank you again. Any reviews help so much I enjoy feedback. You guys are wonderful.**


	3. Invincible

**Hey guys! Welcome to chapter three of Since You've been Gone. I think I might've gone into shell shock when I saw last chapter got twenty one reviews. Holy hell you guys rock. I appreciate all of you and your comments so much you have no idea. I love to see regulars who've been reading my stories for years now come to this tale too.**

 **Thank you for your support! I really hope you like this chapter it's kind of long so grab and snack and enjoy.**

* * *

Her husband was indulging on pudding. Not just any hospital slop thrown into a bowl. No, no, a processed pile of sugar surrounding a compact plastic. _Chocolate_ pudding, the most fattening of them all. Where was her health nut freak and what had England done with him?

Meredith gawked through his window. She couldn't keep her eyes off the sight. His tongue swirling around the thin plastic spoon, the lid wrapper, scraping remnants of chocolatey goodness from his lips- Okay, maybe her mind was depicting this to be pornier than it really was. Even so, Derek Shepherd was eating fat in a container.

So maybe this wasn't **that** big of a deal. During his visit he only accepted things with green crap overflowing the plate. Not surprising. But three years ago, Derek would've suggest carrot cake as a scrumptious dessert and even that was pushing the line a tad. Never would her husband voluntarily devour gooey chocolate slop. Usually it didn't matter even when Meredith pleaded he munch on double stuff Oreos with her, normally he kindly declined the offer.

So what the hell was going on with him? "Hey!" Meredith barked as Alex came into view.

Halting dead in his tracks, he turned, trailing back to Meredith's spot by Derek's room window. "How is it that you're not even working and yet you _still_ find a way to distract me from doing my job?"

With her arms crossed over her cranberry sweater, she tilts her head. "Oh like you were really going to do something important." She retorts, voice dripping in sarcasm.

"Paperwork, Mer. I have a mile high stack waiting for me to get done."

Scoffing at his excuse, she grips the material of Alex's white lab coat. "I have bigger problems than freaking paperwork! Did you give Derek morphine? I mean do you know if someone gave Derek some morphine?"

Alex seemed dumbfounded by the statement. Clearly her brain was fried since Derek waltzed back into her life three days ago. She needed a nap or coffee or a shot of tequila. Potentially all three in that order. "Mer, why would someone give him morphine? He said he didn't want any pain medication but morphine would be extreme. Do you think he's high or something?"

The tension in her shoulders dripped down to her toes. Unkinking her clavicle from her earlobes, Meredith exerted a sigh. "Have I gone mental?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Mental, Alex. Like crazy, throw me in a padded room, talks to myself, and eats hair mental!" She waves her arms in panic or maybe she's simply seeking to get her point across.

Alex snickers. She's certain he finds her predicament hilarious. Usually he's the one falling to pieces. Meredith Grey kept her cool. She did **not** freak out. Except maybe now she did because her supposed to be dead-as-a-door-nail husband was here, alive, eating freaking processed pudding from a cup! Not to mention said pudding was making her brain foggy with porn. Porn of Derek licking chocolate pudding off her p-

"Maybe a little."

"You're not helping. You're supposed to be my person and lie to me! Tell me, oh no Meredith you're not going mental, Derek eats pudding all the time!"

He rolls his eyes at her and sighs in a way that tells her he's fed up with her delusional antics. "Dude, calm it. I haven't seen you this wound up since you were on my couch bitching about your crappy husband leaving for D.C."

"I'm just..." her sentence flattens. She's just, what? While yes, she's delighted Derek is here with her, it's still a difficult pill to swallow. So much is consuming her brain that it's making her head throb. She feels like a ticking time bomb. One wrong move and kaboom! she's tiny Meredith Grey bits scattering OR two or something.

"It's okay if things are weird, Mer. You don't have to be all smiles or be perfect. Derek knows that and he isn't expecting you to be okay when you don't have to be. No one wants you to pack all your feelings into a tiny little box. No one wants a Meredith explosion." Almost like he's read her mind. His commentary helps. Eases a little portion of her frayed nerves.

"It's just a lot." She finally breathes. "Not only did he come back but he's all banged up. He's been through something traumatic and yeah I've gone through shit too but I wasn't in a coma for two years and I never lost my memory. He says he's fine but it's not a real fine it's a Meredith Grey fine I know. Plus he has no idea about Ellis still and he's going to be released today. Not to mention I've been avoiding Deluca like the plague."

"You haven't broken that crap off yet?" Alex interjects, curiously cocking a brow and a conniving little grin her way. "Are you scared? Still caught up with your little Boy Toy huh?"

This time Meredith shoves him purely from annoyance. "God no. I don't want Deluca. Not now. Not after my husband who I bitched and moaned about for years until I finally got him is here eating pudding. I just don't want him to cause a scene and I don't really want Derek to know about him or us rather."

"Oh, now I get it." He preens.

"Get what?"

"You're afraid Shepherd is gonna pummel Deluca's ass!" He counters with a laugh.

"Am not! Derek wouldn't do that."

"Please! He practically impounded that vet's face years ago when he saw you walking down his goddamn staircase. You're not scared Deluca will make a scene. You're scared _**Derek**_ is going to make one." Alex is laughing. More like cackling and he's grasping the attention of bystanders.

Meredith's cheeks burn. Not simply with fury but embarrassment. Perhaps she won't admit it aloud but Alex had a point. Her husband had a temper, a bad one when he let his emotions lose control. She witnessed this first hand when he beat the ever living snot out of Mark Sloan across the catwalk or when he knocked him out after Mark flirted with her so many years ago. Whenever she was involved, Derek was a raging ball of anger. So yeah, maybe she didn't care about Deluca in the way he did her, but it didn't mean Derek had to deck him for it.

"You're allowed to have a sex life, Mer. What does he think you went all holy virgin in his absence? You're a woman. You have needs and if you had sex with a million men, it's not his place to judge you. Him being jealous is just his tortured way of telling you he's obsessed with you. No guy wants to think about their chick boning someone else. It's not ethical. If Jo and I divorced and she was riding that Linc dude or something I'd be pissed. But I wouldn't judge her for moving on. If he loves you, he isn't going to do that."

Her person had a valid point. If they were going to do the whole fresh start thing then it couldn't begin with Derek kicking Andrew Deluca in the groin. It just scared her because she was going to have to come clean sooner or later and not just about Deluca. But about all the other men she's slept with or had a personal relationship with. Her insides quiver thinking Derek might have been with another woman while in London and the idea is likely. He's a gorgeous, women were always mewling over him. At least she could see where he'd be coming from if he had the desire to punch in Deluca's face. Not that she would allow him to get that far.

"You're right. If he loves me then he's going to be supportive. He can't get mad when he's supposed to be dead. I think I'm going stir crazy honestly. So much is on my mind and then I found him eating pudding, it's weird." Her chest collapses in an attempt to dilute bad air and bring in something fresh.

"What is with you this whole pudding crap. Who cares if he's licking a spork like his life depends on it. At least he's not munching on muesli, that shit tanks."

Alex made her giggle. She was reminded of the numerous mornings spent at the breakfast table. Derek gnawing on Muesli and she slurping at Lucky Charms. Their personalities and tastes were so... different. Yet they were two of the most compatible people she knew. Meredith grinned to herself at the revelation. "Derek doesn't eat pudding. He eats Muesli."

"So what? Embrace change Meredith. I really do have to finish this fucking paperwork though."

"I'll see you later then, thanks for listening to my crazy." Alex nods before dashing away.

She thinks Bailey doesn't give him the credit he deserves. Yes, he's had a couple slip ups here and there, but Alex is a good Chief. At least a decent _interim_ chief that is. Better than she'd be. When Derek questioned why she herself wasn't appointed the position, all she could think was the same reasons Derek didn't want the job after all. She would've missed the OR like crap. Paperwork and bossing people around wasn't exactly her forte. Maybe telling people what to do was glorifying, but she could do that with the position she had now. With every difference Meredith shares with her husband, they have a fair share of similarities too.

It's nearing noon. For once it's not raining in Seattle and sunlight flutters through the semi open blinds of her husbands hospital room. Some trashy soap opera is background noise to them both. It's evident her husband isn't paying attention to the television, too engrossed by his delectable chocolate snack. At this point, Meredith is humored. It was pulling teeth years ago just to get Derek to consume a slice of cake on his own damn birthday. Now he was willingly gulping down one of her _own_ favorite guilty pleasure snacks.

"Hey." Meredith couldn't help but smile. It was strange being this happy after what felt like ions of depression. There'd been numerous occasions she broke down after Nathan frolicked away with Megan. Not because she missed him or desired his love, but that Derek would never knock at her door.

 _"Hey, I forgot my keys. I'm sorry for being gone so long."_

In a way he had. Maybe her miracle dream was three years in the making but nonetheless a miracle took place right before her eyes. Being cognizant her situation is unlike anyone else's provides a sense of specialness. Maybe if she really believed in God or higher powers Meredith would thank them for bringing her husband back or whatever. She could use a little faith, definitely has a tad now.

Derek cleaned the remaining drops of chocolate delicacy from his plastic container. Tossing the small cup into the trash bin near his bedside. He glanced at her, smiled, and motioned that she come forward. "Hi, Meri."

"Meri?" No one had referred to her as that since... since before she was even a resident. The only people to have ever used the nickname were her nannies and Derek. A flashbulb reincarnated to her brain. Her fist clenched tight in Alex's scrub top, moments from beating his face in. Per-usual, Derek zooms in to the rescue.

 _"Meri, Meri, Meri!" He murmured to calm her._

"I'm trying it out. Does Meredith Grey not associate with that name?" He taunted her, but only a tad. Neither Meredith nor Derek were big on pet names. Every once in a while he would have referred to her as "dear" but only when she was asking for sex. The occasional honey or more frequently _love_ came about when he was communicating to her. Meredith never referred to Derek as much of anything other than Derek or Der.

Okay, maybe she threw in a McAss or McDouche-bag every once in a while when her temper was off the rocker.

Shaking her head, Meredith adjusts herself to rest at the foot of his bed. "No it's fine. Just makes me think of all the nannies I had as a kid who called me Meri. Maybe they thought I was too adolescent for a nickname like Mer."

She never went into much detail about the specifics of her childhood. Derek knew about the crappy parents, daddy issues, rebellious pink hair and all. However nothing too, **graphic** , was ever spoken of. Meredith was never beaten no, but damnit she went through a lot of fucking hell just to get to where she is today. There'd been nights her own mother refused to come home, forcing Meredith to make her own dinner at the age of six. Sometimes she had fevers near a hundred and four degrees, Ellis forced her to school anyways.

That shit didn't seem all so important now. Not when she was a mother to her own children and they _did_ have their dad now. It just felt strange at times. She knew so much about her husbands childhood but he was only given so little about her own. Hell, she was even aware he attended a French preschool! What child goes to French preschool anyways?

Meredith reached forward and gripped his kneecap poking up from beneath the wool blanket. His favorite blanket actually. She dashed home a couple days before to grab him some necessities. It was a little bit of a struggle, seeing as a lot of his stuff she'd given away or locked in storage somewhere. She still had his favorite blanket though. Folded neatly in a wicker basket beside her bed frame. Maybe she wasn't all that inclined to use it herself but she kept it just in case. _Just in case she was missing him more than usual._

Her husband donned a very simple black tee and some sweats. Assuming he felt over exposed in such a flimsy hospital gown she picked up a few garments last night. Derek needed a shave and a serious haircut, but it didn't matter. Not now because he was here making her spine tingle as he ate pudding. Why was she so intoxicated by this goddamn pudding cup?

"You'll always be Mer to me." Derek interrupts her delusional thought process. His hand entwines over hers. He squeezes. She shivers. She's jovial to be _his_ Meredith.

They were being rather affectionate. Something neither would normally display when it came to the public eye. Usually their romantic moments wound up occurring in elevators or stairwells if they were at the hospital. Albeit Meredith missed him like crazy. She couldn't resist the poking urge to squeeze his hand or press a kiss to the underside of his jaw.

"I love you." Meredith blurted. Her cheeks heated. She felt a tinge of embarrassment coarse through her veins. She was a broken record. The woman just couldn't keep her lips sealed long enough.

GA

"I love you too." Derek can't help but lean forward to kiss her. His wife's lips are plump, supple, just the way he remembers. She tastes minty, a hint of coffee lingers at the back of her throat. He moans in appreciation.

"If you two are thinking about having sex don't do it here where literal people can see you." His attention splits at the sound of his sisters snarky commentary.

Derek rolls his eyes at the admission. "Not here. Maybe on the elevator ride down to the parking lot she'll give me good time in my wheelchair." He relished teasing Amelia. It felt wonderful to taunt her again and bicker with the brunette as though no time had passed.

She filled him in on a lot of the hell she's gone through since he left. It wasn't just his wife who seemed to be battling demons. His sister had a tumor. A tumor and he wasn't even there to hold her hand when it went down. She got married _and_ divorced. Amelia was even raising a foster child, Leo, and was a mother figure to a junkie named Betty. At least he thinks she's still playing house as Bailey so bluntly put it a few days back.

That story was still muffled for Derek. Was she with Owen Hunt or wasn't she? Vaguely, Derek recollects Amelia confiding in him about her new sprung feelings for G.I Joe. In fact, the last time she saw her before now was a walk of shame from his trailer.

 _"You guys are here." Amelia panted._

 _"Yes." Derek snarked. "We live here."_

"I think I liked it better when you dead and Meredith wasn't getting any." Amelia lifted both brows as she plopped at his left shin.

Panic encapsulated Meredith's face after Amelia's revelation. Notions of said boyfriend he had not a single clue about rammed back into his skull like a bull. " _Still_ not getting any." She corrected. "Besides I really doubt Derek's up for sex like he just got here! Why would he want sex? Right Derek, you don't want sex. Sex is complicated and you're wounded. I know you said sex heals wounds but that was satire. You were being dubious."

His wife rambled, a lot. She was a nervous rambler and usually he found the trait rather adorable. Meredith was the rambling, maybe chews on her hair, and nervously laughs sort of girl. If the nerves stemmed from her mystery guy, she didn't have to be so wound up. Maybe he hates this idea that his wife was sleeping with someone else but he wouldn't reprimand her for it.

Although, boyfriend aside, the panicked expression is also a combustion of fear. Maybe it's **she** who doesn't want the sex for different reasons. If his sister wasn't staring them down he could ask her what the nerves were for. He wasn't going to push it, not when logically he himself, wasn't up for it now either. Their emotional relationship stood before any physical aspect did.

"When do I not want sex?" He's optimistic the joke lifts coiling tension. Meredith snorts, barely.

Gagging, Amelia rises from his bed. "Bad, bad images of my brother in bed with my sister." Amelia retorts. "Look, I came in here to tell you mom and the rest of the Wolfpack are going to be here in a couple days to see you. Yes I know, Amelia sucked up her pride and called mommy to tell her the favorite child is alive and well."

"Your mother is coming?" Meredith pipes.

"Yes. I promise she won't eat you alive, Mer. They'll be eating Derek alive with tears, girly hugs, and random pies they've made him. When are they going to learn that Derek doesn't eat food that actually tastes good?"

"Haha, hilarious." Derek rolls his eyes at her. "I'll have you know I ate an entire thing of pudding just a couple minutes ago. _Processed_ not even homemade." Derek states. Through the corner of his eye he can see his wife is doing her best to conceal laughter over the admission.

Yes it was true, Derek was **not** a person to consume endless bouts of sugar or fattening foods. When living in England, Derek developed a tad of a sweet tooth. The cuisine was excellent and he just couldn't resist the scones or little biscuits.

Lucky for him physical therapy beat the crap out of his body, keeping the extra pounds off.

"He was." Meredith intervened. "I was gawking through the window. Seriously, when has Derek ever eaten _pudding_?" His sister snickered at his wife's bewilderment.

"It's not a crime. I eat more than Muesli and salads."

His wife tilted her head but didn't respond. Something in her irises told him she still believed otherwise.

"Well I have to run." Amelia sighed. "I have to resect a **massive** tumor from this guys temporal lobe. You know being Chief of neurosurergy and all I have fancy surgery's to perform." It was obvious Amelia was doing all that she could to get beneath his skin.

"Amy I don't care that you're the head. You deserve the spot I don't want the spotlight this time around. I just want to do consults and craniotomies."

She only narrowed her eyes to slits. "Seems like a load of crap to me." Rising from her spot, she leans forward to squeeze his calve. Derek's lip curves.

"Yeah maybe I'll go stir crazy and try to steal it from you again."

"I will snap your neck in two if you try that shit." With that his sister was gone, leaving Meredith and himself alone once more.

"Hey." Now he was stroking her knee. His thumb creates stripes along her dark jeans. "About that little freak out you had earlier, you know I'm not ready to have sex either. I don't know if you just said that to get Amelia off your back but." He felt weird. It was really _weird_ talking about **not** having sex with Meredith. Usually, sex was the only language they were always fluent in. Never had either of them discussed what was next when it came to their physical relationship.

"Yeah, I uh, it's been a long time." He can sense her hesitation to inform him of her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend more like it.

Derek itches to bring it up. Rip off the bandaid already! But it's not his place to. If this is going to work and their marriage stays strong, he isn't allowed to be a raging jealous idiot because some younger guy was screwing his wife. Derek wasn't in control of his fait, but to everyone else he was considered gone. It wasn't Meredith's job to never be carnal again.

"Don't think about it. Let's just try and get back into the rhythm of playing princess tea party with Zola and saving lives before we jump each other."

He senses the tension ooze away. Meredith's shoulders are now lax and free of dissonance. "I can't wait to see the kids." He chimes. God, to think he's missed out on three years of his precious children's life. A dagger twists at his heart knowing Bailey won't remember him. Maybe Zola has vague memories but nothing much.

"Zola's seems really excited. She told everyone in her class that her dad was home." She smiles faintly.

"I just want to hold them, Mer. Even with my memory gone over the last year I just felt like something was missing. Knowing I've missed so much of their early childhood hurts me. I want to grab them and never let go. I'm going to be there for now on and that's a promise." His emotions won this fight. Derek's vision blurry because of tears threatening to escape. His **kids**. Not only had he missed a chunk of his wife's life but their children's as well. The other night he lie awake in fear that they'll think he purposely left them behind. Even if he or Meredith do their best to prove otherwise, no surprise to him if doubt sticks.

Meredith keeps silent. Physically though, her gesture is worth a thousand words. Crawling forward he soon feels the constriction of her thin arms around his neck. His own limbs find a home curled around her waist. They're two lost puzzle pieces who've finally interlocked. She was comforting him. Derek embraces the assertion.

GA

"Are you _hot_ for cane or something?" Derek's verbiage brought Meredith out of autopilot and back to reality.

She wrinkled her nose a little, confusion spreading. "Excuse me?"

Her husband elicits a howl of laughter. A glimmer of a smirk lines his stubbled cheeks. "You've been staring at my cane like it's a porny sex toy or something."

She was frazzled. Reality wise, Meredith really hadn't been focusing her attention to the metal cane gripped by her hobbling husband. Her mind was on Jupiter and her body was still here on earth migrating with no direction. Great! Now Derek probably thought she was phased by the device getting her husband around.

Reality sank in last night. Knowing the safe bubble she'd conjured since Derek was put on hospital bound by Bailey when he arrived was being popped, sent her nerves on a freight train going in circles. Derek not only wasn't aware Ellis was a creation on this planet but their dream house no longer beloved to _them_. How was she supposed to logically explain that to a man whose entire life revolved around his children and that land?!

When she sold the house to an elder, the probability Derek might crawl out his grave was slim to none. Albeit the universe's most enjoyable hobby was making Meredith's life a rollercoaster of downs. Which really freaking sucked just to add.

"Only you could make a freaking cane that keeps you upright into a porny joke." Meredith grumbles, fishing for the key fob from a bottomless pit also known as her purse.

The hint of snort rings her eardrum. "Not porn, just an observation. And this thing doesn't keep me upright, I can do that on my own."

She rolls her eyes at his admission. "Yeah, sure."

"No seriously," Derek pauses. _Clank!_ His cane is decorating the pavement and Derek is preening like a fucking child on Christmas morning. An _evil_ little child that is. "Totally cool. I can even walk around if I **really** wanted to."

"Damnit Derek would you cut it out! Quit trying to be Mr. Invincible. You're not God." A light flickers and the trunk of her Lexus lifts. The single book bag Derek came with and a duffle bag of toiletries she brought to the hospital are crammed in the back. His cane follows after she bends down, snatches it, and practically throws it in.

"Meredith, I came back from the dead I'm pretty sure I'm as close to God as they get."

She doesn't respond. With every bit of anxiety she's created upon his arrival, nerves that he'll leave her again are still there. Maybe it's silly. She just got him back and now her crazy has come in to make plans for it he disappears again. Her severe abandonment issues never allow breaks and it sucks. Really freaking sucks when all Meredith wants to do is hold him and never let go again. The last time she let him get away the police showed up to announce there'd been an accident.

Meredith doesn't want any knock at her door that doesn't involve her husband asking for keys.

" _Coma._ You came back from the coma I had no earthly clue about." She says with agitation. Derek migrates to her proximity. His fingers touch her sweater.

"I'm not leaving again." Derek assures. "What happened is just... its unexplainable how terrible it was. But I'm not going anywhere."

Meredith rips her gaze from him. Her throat feels full. Eyes blurry. "I meant it when I said you weren't fucking God. Do you remember that time you found me crying in the hallway a couple of years ago and I exploded on you because you were driving your car too fast?"

Derek nods in comprehension.

"I told you I worried every minute that I was going to get a call you wrapped your car around a pole. I got that freaking call! Except then you were supposed to be brain dead. Do you even understand what's happening now? If I was cautious toward you after that, think about now. I feel like I can't even detach myself from you because what if I do and you're gone again? You can't control accidents. No one can. Death is always creeping around the corner and we know that better than anyone. You don't have a clue when you're coming back and when you aren't. So don't drop your stupid cane on the ground or tell me you're not going to die because no one knows."

The wind brushed cold air to her damp cheek. Meredith despised crying. She felt weak especially now that her husband was healthy and all she could think about was if he left her again. Only she could turn a light conversation about a cane being sexy to an emotional cesspit of depression. She really didn't want the abandonment thing ruin this for her. Meredith was supposed to be over that crap.

The universe cackled at her as she crumbled in a public parking lot. "Okay." Derek retorts. "I won't play God anymore."

Meredith sniffles, rubs her dripping nose, her wet orbs. "I wanted things to be normal but I don't think that's possible now." She says. "I have to work at this."

"We both have to work at it, Mer. I'm not all whole and healed either. I'm the farthest from McDreamy I've ever felt. So what we're fucked up? We just have to rebuild until the bridge isn't broken anymore or whatever." He was making shitty analogies, for _her_.

She couldn't help but try on a watery smile.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm going to be here for you as long as this world lets me be. You truly, are everything to me, I meant that more than anything. If you're scared, come to me. If you're happy, come to me. If you want to beat the crap out me I might hide but your tiny ineffectual fists will find me, and pummel my ass. That's what marriage is. Being there through everything, not just the good."

"Why are you so good at that?"

Crinkling his brow he asks, "Good at what?"

Meredith can't decipher if he's being deceitful with her in this moment. If he is, Derek's poker face is excellent. However, she does grin. "Making me feel better. Why are you so good at it?"

Derek's palms are furnaces to her skin. Cupping each cheek with delicacy, her husband leans forward. No kiss, but they do brush noses. His irises are gateways. A glimmering path into his soul. She relishes the closeness.

"I'm your husband, it's my job."

* * *

 **I was going to add in Derek's home arrival to this story but with the way it worked out, the chapter was already super long and an idea popped into my head. This chapter is kind of the beginning of issues Grey's never put to rest. Also, things I wanted them to explore but they didn't.**

 **I feel like they sort of brushed away Meredith's fear of abandonment. It was like Derek died and poof, she has a village? Seemed strange to me. I don't think things like that just go away, not when everyone in your life leaves like that. I want this story to be fun and give you guys that MerDer romance we've been ripped of but I wanna tackle their dark sides too. I've been making notes about what I'm doing for Derek and I'm really excited to tackle the problem.**

 **Next chapter is going to touch on the Dream House and the kids. I have so many ideas and literally it's making me crazy because there's so much I want to write about but never enough time in the day. I'm bringing in old characters too (ones I liked at least or who were close with Derek) I'll be doing a little bit of rewriting too. Taking scenes from the three and half seasons Derek hasn't been in and twisting it to fit my plot.**

 **I'd love to hear ideas from you guys really. Your reviews literally ASTOUND me. They make me feel so freaking good and motivate me to get this out for you all. Any idea's or suggestions you have or want for future chapters please let me know. The more the merrier.**

 **Thank you for the love, any review is helpful. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.**


	4. To Build a Home

**Hi everyone welcome to another chapter of Since You've Been Gone! Derek is finally coming home so yay!**

 **I want to thank you all so much for the kind hearted reviews you leave me. I really have to get on top of replying to them all. I don't want to stall any of you for much longer so here goes the new chapter. Let me know what you think!**

* * *

Meredith fails to inform Derek they won't be heading to the ferry. Instead, she makes a left toward the freeway. Her husband is silent. Makes no peep or acknowledgement that they're going the complete opposite to where their dream house is located. She's unsure as to whether he's caught on to what's _really_ happening or if he simply isn't paying attention to the route.

The Harper Lane home is about a twenty minute drive from Grey-Sloan Memorial. With traffic, depending on the time of day or when her shift is ending, the drive could be stalled to thirty-five or forty minutes. Even with those factors added in, she still prefers the drive from this home than the Dream House. Meredith did relish that place more than words could even depict. Unfortunately, the home was located in a place that didn't surround much at all. Plus she was making an hour commute to work everyday which wasn't ideal.

Every so often Meredith catches herself glance right to sneak a peek at Derek. With her eyes glued to the road it was difficult to catch a clear image of his facial features. His breathing panned out and brimmed the silent vehicle. Coming to a red light, Meredith halts.

Meredith's ponytail _swooshes_ left with the twist of her neck. Derek appears content, cozied in the leather thrown of her Lexus, a pillow tucked at his side, electronic heat activated at the highest notch. The temperature outside was brisk. Not so crisp she was forced to layer up excessively, but a chill that definitely required a sweater. Today actually, was a lovely day in Seattle being October and all.

Other than the tumbling guilt stirring internally, she felt giddy being cognizant Derek would be home this year for three of the years most prominent holidays. Halloween was just around the corner. Thanksgiving to follow and of course Christmas. Ironic she was exuberant for a family holiday. Before meeting Derek she hated any special occasion revolving around family of any kind. Her mother forced those thoughts on her. With no siblings growing up, no father, or even really a mother to be with, holidays seemed pointless.

Meredith's first **real** Christmas might have been when she was an intern. Still living with a load of strays. Izzie's array of rainbow lights still burned on her brain. Even then though she found the holiday dumb. Why were people celebrating and giving presents when there was little to be thankful for? She had this thought on thanksgiving too. Maybe her sour behavior stemmed from Derek choosing Addison at the time. Being forced to gander at them be couple-y physically assaulted her heart.

The first Christmas Meredith actually _enjoyed_ was the following year. She'd been serving a graveyard shift. Derek was finally hers and the only thing Meredith wanted was to curl in his arms and succumb to sleep. Showered by surprise, she found a small gift wrapped box lying on her bed.

A lavender scrub cap. **The** lavender scrub cap Meredith proudly displayed during her fellowship and through her attending position. Not many knew the headpiece was a gift from Derek many years before. Now that he's back she definitely needs to dig the fabric from storage.

Thoughts of holiday's and frosty weather were too much of a distraction to really take in Derek's expression. The light flickered green and soon her silver Lexus was making a right near a Food Lion.

"You know," her husband breaks the silence. The car cabin hums. "You've glanced at me maybe thirty times in the last four minutes."

She can sense the humor in his tone. "No I haven't."

"Ha! Yeah okay. Mer, any chance you get your gaze turns to me immediately. I don't mind but do I have something on my face, a hair out of place, a collarbone of scars, like what is it?" He's teasing her. She's melted butter at his admission. God how Meredith has missed Derek's relaxing her during tense moments.

The last thing she desires is to reveal the home he spent more then four years working on was now owned by another man. His stay at the hospital for observation allowed Meredith time to stall before coming clean. She was frightened he wouldn't understand but he wasn't to blame. It never occurred to her that Derek would come back. She feels like a shitty partner and he doesn't deserve to be let down just days after finding her.

But reality is calling and this time around Meredith isn't allowed to let voicemail take the fall. So she musters the courage to answer its siren.

"I have to tell you something." Gulping, eyes locked to dark gravel, a pound in her chest. "Something that I really don't know how to say." She hates this. Despises it really.

Meredith doesn't want to reignite a battle with her long lost love. Not when the universe is giving them a second chance. Life before the accident, much of their relationship was suffused by argument after argument. That last bit before he left still makes her chest clench. She remembers crying in supply closets after his death. It sickened her thinking this man she devoted every inch of love her body held to was taken from her without any warning whatsoever. Even worse realizing many of their final moments were spent at each other's throats.

"I know about the house, Meredith."

All ten fingers wrapped around the leather steering wheel are white. She crunches the digits as far as her body will allow. How the hell did he know? Did Amelia snitch the day before when she'd rushed back to get Derek his sweats and a toothbrush? She doesn't want to believe her sister-in-law would rat her out like that, even after Meredith explicitly informed her she was panicking about telling him. Perhaps someone else came to visit him and blabbed her secret by accident.

She couldn't tell if he was upset or unaffected by this revelation. He was giving her a damn good poker face- well poker _voice._ Was that even a thing? God she didn't freaking know. She was so lost in this moment. Her brain pounded.

"Who told you?" There's no point in denying it now. They were heading to her current residence whether she chickened out to admitting the truth or didn't.

Derek was silent for a few moments. She let her ears rest on the sound of his breathing. It kept her from relinquishing control. "No one, you don't have to grab your scalpel and slit someone's throat if that makes you feel any better."

She wanted to laugh at his joke but something restricted the action from taking place. Tears hit her corneas. Why the hell was she freaking crying again? In this moment Meredith was relieved Bailey made the call to keep her from work. Salty tears in an open patient was more likely than she originally thought. "Why are you making freaking jokes to make _me_ feel better? I sold the Dream House! Me! I'm a terrible, awful wife who sold that house and your land. I should be making you feel better, not the other way around."

"Pull over." Derek says.

"No, it's fine- I'm fine."

Derek grunts, she recognizes agitation. "Seriously Meredith if you don't pull this car over we're going to wreck. You can't drive when you're crying."

He had a point, even if his intellect only made her want to sob a river. What was wrong with her? Yes, Meredith Grey has had her fair share of hysterical outbursts over the years. But tears never seemed to flow this easy. Maybe when she was pregnant with Bailey and her hormones were on a never ending roller coaster. She was crying more with Ellis but blames those tears on Derek's death. Yet, never did something trigger the waterworks this easy.

Swallowing her pride and following his commands, Meredith obeys. The Lexus pulls into an abandoned liquor store parking lot. The beginnings of a rain storm plop at her windshield. Cars swish by through a watery lens. She cries freely. Derek's palm finds her spine. Her brain wants to shout that he stop but her heart has no courage to agree. It isn't just the stupid house or his land or that she's crying. They have another baby together. A combustion of their cells that made up a tiny person. Someone who really freaking resembled him the more her personality peeked through.

"Hey, I'm not mad, Mer." Derek's tone is a soft velvet. With his fingers working magic down her back she manages a shaky sigh.

This is what she dreads. Because even when Derek Shepherd says he isn't upset, deep down he probably is. Even when he does openly admit to being frustrated by something she's done, he manages to still comfort her anyways. A flashback to her last year of residency fills up her mind. Sitting in the lounge, choking on her own sobs, Derek's hand stroking her vertebrae. Ironically, then too dealt with a child in the mix. Zola. She thought they were going to lose her.

"No, you're going to be mad at me." Sniffling, she turns her head to face him.

"I'm not Meredith. I knew about the house days ago but it doesn't matter to me. I mean _yeah_ I'll miss that place more than anything but I get why you wouldn't want to be there. It was supposed to be our house. Not a home that you were forced to be in. I get it, no anger here."

Derek's eyes are an endless ocean. Even now as the sun conceals beneath thick gray clouds, they glimmer beyond the crappy backdrop behind him. She used to stare at his optics like her life depended it. During surgery, when they were able to operate together, she found herself taking glances at his shining irises more often than not. His gateways calmed her. When the entire world was a burning terror Meredith was able to count on his orbs for even an inch of serenity.

Ellis had Derek's eyes. In the beginning when life still felt impossible, she stared at her child. When Ellis was feeding or simply being cradled in Meredith's arms, she'd gaze with sheer intensity. Sometimes when she glanced hard enough, bits of her husband flashed before her eyes.

Derek deserved to know his daughter.

"There's something else I've been meaning to tell you. I stalled like an idiot because I didn't want to ruin this feeling I've had and it's selfish. Me being so freaking euphoric you're here again made me keep something from you. Something that is going to change your life forever." She was met with silence. Curiosity flooded her husbands eyes. "A couple weeks after you _died_ I um hadn't been feeling all that great. I was sick, a lot. Initially I thought the nausea, fatigue, and mood swings were because of what happened to you and the toll it was taking on me. I had some blood drawn to figure out if maybe it was the flu or something."

Slowly Meredith felt Derek's fingers trickle from her back. The loss of contact sent shivers down her spine. Goosebumps rose at her flesh.

" _ **Or something**_." His voice gripped her. With glassy eyes she stared at him. "Mer..."

 _I want more_

"Her name is Ellis. Ellis Anne Shepherd. She is beautiful and she's your daughter." Meredith is in peril that no bandaid can heal this wound.

GA

Derek remembers the teal house adjacent from Harper Lane. The first time his optics ever took notice of the home was just after sneaking out one morning. Meredith was still an intern. At her request she pleaded he leave before Izzie or George witnessed him. From the corner of his eye a flash of blonde hair and a pair of doe like eyes were rapid to dissipate from his view. Unsure of whether he'd been caught or not, Derek bolted. A small, one story, wood teal home across from Meredith's abode. The house captivated him for a multitude of years as it was doing in this very moment.

Trepidation courses through his veins. He's unsure of what to expect once crossing the familiar threshold. Meredith mentioned a few people were holding a small gathering for him, props to Zola who grabbed at the chance to throw her dad a "Welcome Home" party. At first, he found the notion sweet and was almost looking forward to a reunion with those he'd been close to before the accident.

Unfortunately then back at the hospital, when his wife was curled around him and informing Derek of the news, he didn't know there'd be a guest he wasn't familiar with attending the fling. Derek stilled at Meredith's reveal. Words escaped him at the mention of his daughter. A tiny human he had not a single clue about. It was one thing to miss three years of his own children's lives. However it was a complete 180 when it came to miss the _first_ three years of a child he didn't know.

Derek's already facing trepidation Zola and Bailey night resent him. Through the span of a twenty minute car ride a contortion of new trembles cascade his brain. Now he was perilous a piece of his own flesh and blood wouldn't even consider him as her father. What if this boyfriend his wife captivated in the years of his disappearance was more cognizant as a father to Ellis than himself? That fear swallowed him whole.

This situation was complicated in more ways than one. Not to mention how fucked it was a semi nearly turned him into fresh shish kabob. He knew better than anyone transitioning back to a normal lifestyle and routine would be rocky in the beginning. It wasn't the climb that tortured him but the anxiety he may never make it to the top.

"Hey." The elixir of his wife's tone tore Derek from his inner demon battle. He watched her finger push against the ignition button. The soft humming quieted to a flat silence. A slew of different sedans and SUV's lined the street, creating an easy path to Meredith's home. "It's going to be fine. You'll give everyone your best McDreamy grin and they'll reminisce with you. I get that what's happened in the last half hour isn't ideal but, don't let me being an idiot that kept secrets from you the reason you're not enjoying a party."

Derek wasn't angry with Meredith. It made his chest tight when she placed blame on herself for a situation that wasn't even in her control. He was the one to suggest adding on to their gorgeous little family just days before the crash. Never would he have pictured Meredith's hostile uterus to endow.

"I just wanna see my kids, Mer."

She nods but it's curt. Her lips purse, her eyes read there's no chance in hell she nor himself is going to ask their guests to leave the party. Not now. "I understand but you've been missing for three years and there are people inside that just want to see you. An hour and I'll kick them all out." Meredith's aura exuded dissonance. Derek could tell she was eliciting her frustration onto him but he wasn't about to pick a fight. The old Derek would've jumped at the opportunity to respond with a feisty retort. Even in the moments Meredith wasn't deserving of his snarling comments, he gave into his ego.

Not this time.

"I can do that." He trembles while exiting the car. Meredith leaves the Lexus perched in the driveway rather than shielding it beneath the garage. He imagines its permeated wall to wall with bins of old Baby clothes, Christmas ornaments, and things maybe belonging to him.

She announces something regarding his stuff, maybe informing him they'll come and grab it once their get together ends. Derek doesn't make a fuss. "Not too many people showed. Not like the last party thrown here."

"Car sex party?" His blunt response has Meredith giggling. Her flushed skin produces a tinge of color. His admission made her smile and that's what's important to him.

Jamming her keys to the lock, he watches her nod. "Out of all the parties we had here, _that_ seems to be the only one you ever remember."

"Men tend to have stronger depictions of memories that involve sexual intercourse you know." He says evenly.

"Seriously?"

"Oh I don't know, I just made some bullshit up on the spot so it didn't seem like all I ever think about is sex." She giggles a little more. The sound is euphoric against his eardrum. If he's learned anything in the years he's known his wife, it's that a happy Meredith, was a beautiful Meredith. She's obviously been through hell in his absence. The last thing Derek wants is to reignite that pain for her. He chooses to smile not frown, laugh not cry, joke not snarl.

Meredith fails to respond but he's certain he's got her thinking of porny car sex now. It was obvious their sex life would be on a break until they both got comfortable with the notion of nakedness and intimacy again. But he could joke around and make her feel good to jump start the sultry engine a little.

Music brims his eardrum. A song he recognizes from the _1982 Combat Rock_ Clash album. Many of his friends, especially Mark, teased him for the interesting taste in music. Meredith **hates** the band with a burning passion. She made that clear on multiple occasions in the car with him, playing a riveting game of who could change the station fastest? Usually she won or he let her win depending on the mood. He's humored that whomever put this party together knew him so well that they went out to purchase a Clash album just for the occasion.

Derek isn't in favor of trailing around with the metal cane stuck to his right hand. Usually in a setting like this where he has the free ability to sit if needed, the cane is out of reach. The long stick clonks to the door frame. Derek steps to the foyer.

This home is different. Renovated from the last time he'd been there. God, that seemed like... ages ago. He thinks it might have been a Halloween party the parents were throwing. Bailey was dressed in a pumpkin costume and Zola in butterfly wings he personally stitched up. He's met with the sight of furniture from the Dream House. A giant banner with the words "Welcome Home Derek" printed in bright blue lettering. There's an array of snacks resting on a paper table cloth, most of it junk. He can assume it's geared more toward the children and not himself. He smirks at the bowl of baby carrots sitting in solitary near the far right.

"He's here! You were supposed to yell surprise." A small feminine voice growls, catching the attention of most. Eyes stick to him like superglue.

The childlike tone belongs to Zola. Derek's breath hitches. From the last time he'd seen her, his daughter was four. She's seven now. It's wild that a person could change so drastically in a matter of years. Yet, Zola is still exactly as he remembers. A cauldron of emotion bubbles.

"Zo." Derek's voice is soft, but loud enough to catch the adolescents attention. Most people consumed by prior engagements halted the conversations. His beautiful daughter met gazes with him. He crouched to the best of his abilities to catch her.

Zola filled his awaiting arms. With her arms circled around his neck, his eyes glossed over. Maybe it was considered a party foul to shed tears, but it was the furthest thought from Derek's mind. Neither spoke. He could feel Zola's breaths by his ear. Time stilled and swiped every remaining guest from the living other than Meredith, Bailey, and Ellis. Derek could feel her eyes at his dorsal. He didn't have to face Meredith to know her loving approval was present.

"Daddy, I missed you." She whispers.

If only she knew just how much he'd missed her too. Even before the entirety of his memory came back, a feeling of lonesomeness consumed him for the better part of his residence in London. Always, something was missing but his amnesia wouldn't allow the process to clear. That void in his heart was flooded by this moment. Derek cherishes the love and prays he'll never forget again.

"I missed you so much, love bug." He constricts a little tighter before loosening the grip.

An inch of blonde hair is lingering behind a faded pair of jeans. One green eye, then another, focus on his ocean orbs. Donning a navy and red, striped long sleeved-tee, Derek recognizes Bailey. The last time he saw his son, the boy was merely a baby. He remembers that morning trying to clean the messy remnants of peaches from his child's face. Bailey seemed so big now. "Bails." Derek coos. "Come on, don't be shy." It's doubtful Bailey really remembers much of him but that's alright. Derek doesn't expect much from a four, almost five year old anyways.

Bailey is petite. His facial structure makes him think of Meredith. The blonde locks definitely didn't come from him. This child is Meredith's clone through and through. Zola is still secure in Derek's left arm but he opens his right one with a warm preen attached. Back at the hospital, Meredith has informed him of Bailey being somewhat shy around new people. She made sure to clarify if he was distant primitively, it was simply his nerves getting the better of him.

"Bailey, give daddy a hug!" Zola pleads with the boy. She stretches her arm out and motions that he trollop further. Bailey moves closer and finally concedes to Derek's open grasp.

"Hi bud." Derek says. His finger brush the longer strands of blonde hair away from his twinkling irises.

"Hello." Bailey retorts timidly.

Derek's shoulder go lax when Bailey's body isn't so stiff in his hold. The minutes tick by but he lets Bailey migrate at his own pace rather than forcing it. This transition couldn't be easy. Especially when at five you're told to never talk to strangers and yet there he was embracing a man he most likely thought of as foreign.

"Derek." Meredith pipes from the background. Twisting his neck he finds his wife and a familiar face perched on her hip. "There is someone who would love to meet you."

 _The girl from the ferryboat._ Yes, Derek concisely remembers her. His throat burns. Why hadn't he put two and two together before now? Ellis from the ferryboat was **his** Ellis.

Except now she's wearing tights, a yellow dress, and her hair is pulled back. Grogginess laces the tiny girls optics. A few stray honey-gold tendrils stick and poke out like a sore thumb. Ellis is clutching a brown stuffed bear. She exerts a yawn, similar to that of a kitten.

"She just woke up from her nap." Maggie addresses somewhere from the back. "Meredith went to get her."

He doesn't respond. Derek's too entranced by the imagery that is his daughter.

 _I want your crappy babies, Meredith. All of them._

"Go say hi." His wife's nose nuzzles Ellis's soft hair. The girl elicits a tired tinge of laughter at the contact. Carefully leaning down, finding her footing on the hardwood, Ellis' eyes connect to Derek's.

"Daddy! I saw you on da' big boat!" Her voice is puny but warms his heart. Just as he recollects from those few moments spent divulging with her on the ferry that evening. Their audience seems puzzled by the statement, especially Meredith who's orbs are expressive in stating, _what the hell is she talking about_?

Derek chuckles though, making room for the littlest shepherd to squeeze between her older siblings. "Funny story," He starts with a snort. "We um, we've met. The day I came looking for you at the land, I took a ferry back to the city and ran into Ellis. She even called me her dad ironically. At the time I had no idea who she was."

"Derek why didn't you say something? You've let me drive myself literally insane the last couple of days over a child you literally already knew?" Meredith's outburst elicits a fit of chuckles amongst their audience. He himself can't help but laugh at her antics. He finds her adorable when she's flustered, just as he always had.

"It's true, man. She was practically crying earlier today about the pudding." Alex mentions somewhere beyond the crowd.

Smirking, he says, "Sorry, Dear."

"If there weren't so many little ears present I'd be calling you something _very_ R rated." She's only teasing him, well maybe a little, but he's glad to have this type normalcy in his life again. Meredith threatening to name shame him with a McSomething and their family, plus her friends finding the show intriguing.

Derek reverts his attention to the three musketeers squished like peas in a pod. Their chunky cheeks rest against the cotton material of his sweatshirt. He's home. It only took three years but he's _here_ and there's not a single place he'd rather be. "I'm not leaving again, I'm here to stay." He assures his children.

"Pinky promise?" Zola asks and shoves her finger at his nose.

"Pinky promise." Derek laughs, entwining his much larger digit to her tiny one.

"Hey!" His youngest chimes. "I want promise with pinky!" She wiggles her small pinky from between her belly and his chest, raising the finger high. Even Bailey puts his pinky into the mix.

Yes, sharing pinky promises with his children is exactly where Derek Shepherd wants to be for the rest of his life.

GA

"Ugh." With a grunt, Meredith finds comfort in her giant, pillow tufted, bed. She's lying in a crooked mess of wayward limbs and sprawled hair. She's officially exhausted from the days events. A twenty four hour sleep sounds divine.

She hadn't slept here since Derek's return. She slumbered at the hospital in a cot or sharing the twin hospital bed with her husband. Maggie has so graciously agreed to watch the children during her stay there so she could reacquaint with Derek some before the return home.

Surprisingly, the party went extremely well. After nearly melting into warm goo when watching Derek reconcile with their babies, she was consumed by the gathering. Eternal boatloads of people racing up to her every chance they got to ask how she was doing with this whole situation. It was only so much a person could do not to burst into chunks of frustration after the fifteenth guest waltzed up, planted a hand to her clavicle, and gave their most sincere condolences.

At least Derek seemed to be enjoying it. There were moments she could tell while yes he was having fun reacquainting, he too just wanted the world to disappear and snuggle on the sectional sofa with she and their babies. He spent much of the party with the children in his lap or by his side. It was heart warming witnessing the way he seemed so protective of them. He didn't want to lose them again.

"Hey, Mer." Jo's voice tears her from teetering toward an unconscious state.

Turning her head, a sideways Jo Karev placates her view. "Most of the crap from downstairs is clean. I got Alex to pick up plates and napkins and I packed away the leftovers. Oh, also, I brought you some wine because you seemed exhausted." With a grin, her colleague and now someone she considers a friend waltzes closer.

"Thank god." Meredith finds relief the minute Merlot touches her tongue. It's close to midnight and maybe drinking this late isn't the best way to avoid a potential headache in the morning, but in this moment, the goodness of alcohol in a paper cup brings her joy.

"Where's your husband?" She asks.

Guzzling the rest of her beverage in a single swallow, Meredith licks her lips, burps quietly into her sleeve, and rubs her eyes. "Bathroom. He's taking a shower."

"This late?"

She snorts. "Yeah, he said something about just wanting to stand under the hot water for as long as his legs would allow." Meredith couldn't help but smile. This grin seemed to be stuck. For the last three days, she couldn't find the courage to wipe the gleam away. Yes, there'd been a flood of tears but even those were outweighed by the abundance of preening smiles.

"I'd want a long shower after being away from home so long too. It was really great talking to Dr. Shepherd tonight by the way. I was shocked he remembered me so well." She adds softly.

Meredith laughs when she convulses _Dr. Shepherd._ "Jo, you don't have to call him that. Derek is good. If you can call me Meredith then you can say Derek."

With rosy cheeks, she nods in agreement. "Sorry, force of habit I guess. I still called you Medusa sometimes even after realizing you weren't evil at all."

Meredith shakes her head but doesn't elicit a response verbally.

" _Jo! Quit gossiping to Mer, the car is running!"_ Alex's voice booms from the staircase and echoes to Meredith's bedroom. She giggles at his admission, still finding it strange how much of a _husband_ Alex Karev has turned into. Since when did he warm up cars and assist cleaning up at parties? She admired the person he's grown into since initially meeting him. Strange how she countered him as one of the lowest scum on earth and now he's her freaking person. Weird the way the world works.

"I think that's my cue. By the way, Maggie is at Jackson's and Amelia got called in to the hospital so if you and Derek want to, _you know,_ the house is all yours." Jo giggles and winks. She really reminds her so much of Izzie. Her optimism is out of this world. She hates that it's taken her up until this year to figure out how wonderful Jo actually is.

Meredith doesn't rain on Jo's parade. She and Derek wearing chastity belts for now was a private matter and not one she was going to blab, even to Jo herself. It's a complicated thing and there's a lot of unspoken reasoning behind why they're going to wait for the sex. The old Meredith would have jumped at screwing him any opportunity she got. It was funny how this time around, three years of celibacy from one another, she wants their first time together to be something _special._ Yes, it's a little corny maybe, but it's something she and Derek both decided on.

"I don't think there's gonna be any sex but if there is you'll be the first to know." Meredith says with a tired smile. Now that Callie is in New York, it's nice to have a new Team MerDer cheerleader around. Since marrying Alex, she can assume Jo is now a firm believer in happily ever after's.

"Don't hold out if there is." She winks and exits the bedroom. All that Meredith can do is cackle. Laugh over how feral everything has been but she wouldn't change not even a moment of it.

Just as Meredith is kicking her boots off, the bathroom door creeks and her husband emerges from a cloud of steam. Fatigue hugs his features but glimmering happiness shadows it. His hair is wet and slicked back by the comb. Donning a pair of flannel boxer shorts, a gray-tee, and a _new_ fuzzy blue robe.

Derek joins Meredith on the bed. Leaning over her face, their lips meet, mingle, touch. "Mmm, minty." Meredith purrs. "How was your shower?"

Meredith turns to lie her head to his breastbone. Instinctively Derek's arm swerves around her lower half. "Good. Would've been great if you joined me."

"I thought we agreed to no sex for now?"

"I said join me in the shower. Nothing about that sentence mentions the word sex." He wiggles his brows.

Rolling her eyes at his dialect, Meredith snuggles her face further into his shoulder. "A shower involves wet nakedness which usually leads to porny things. _Bendy_ porny things."

"Maybe you have a point." He admits defeat but she thinks it's only due to the lingering exhaustion flooding his periwinkle eyes. His groggy expression only furthers her own sleepiness.

"Will you tell me more about England? What it was like to be alone like that. Unknowing of who you were, surrounded by people from a completely different continent." She's curious of his time there. What had he done to get by? Did he have a name he chose to exercise in the absence of his memory. What triggered his memory to recuperate?

"Now?" He questions with bold eyes.

Yawning, she shifts her head left to right. "No, I'm too tired now."

Derek seems to take her answer in stride because soon the covers are being pulled over her frame and fleshy redness beneath her eyelid turns to black when the lamp switches off. Curling against the man she loves, Meredith and Derek fall asleep comfortably in their own bed for the first time in three years.

* * *

 **Alright folks you've made it to the end! A few things I've gotta discuss. First, your response to the last chapter was astounding. I adore seeing reviews of how touched or moved you are by this story. I'm in love with writing it whole heartedly.**

 **Secondly, I've set this tale in October for a few reasons. I want to do chapters in which Derek is celebrating holidays with the family. We didn't get to see much of this on the show and now that I've brought him back, I want to explore this. I didn't really go into detail about the party because I just felt like the chapter would have dragged on forever if I did.**

 **I hope you liked the reunion Derek and the children had. I assure you, there are SO many more Shepherd children moments to come! Also I gave Ellis the middle name Anne because I literally don't know if the show gave her one or they didn't.**

 **I'm glad that I'm kind of over the Derek is home hump so I can explore new things I want to try out. I'm going to talk about England for Derek and Meredith's going to talk about her life with him gone. Yes, Deluca and Linc are going to be brought up in this story. I don't know what I wanna do with them right now honestly.**

 **There are so many things I want to talk about in these authors notes but I don't wanna take up anymore of your time! Please leave reviews and suggestions for future chapters I adore them they inspire me so much. Hoping to get a couple chapters out this weekend for you all so stay tuned. Thank you for reading and coming along on this journey guys! Love you all.**


	5. Clocks

**Hello everyone! Welcome to the fifth chapter of Since You've Been Gone. Not much to say other than I hope you're liking the story and that I appreciate all of your reviews!**

 **Without further ado, here's the chapter.**

* * *

Derek shot up. Drenched in his own bodily fluid. The cotton of his shirt stuck against his pale flesh. Chills rushed down his spine. Goose layered at his arms. He panted, attempting to catch his breath. The bedroom was dark. The only illumination peeking from between the blinds and open curtains. Street lights, the moon, headlights from passing vehicles. Nothing so intense that it could bring someone to consciousness.

He prayed Meredith remained a slumbering lump curled next to him. The last thing he desired was having wrung her from a deep sleep, only to find him trembling, perspiring, panting for air. It wasn't his wife's job to keep him afloat or pat his back. He'd gotten this far without the gentle coo of her voice, he could keep going.

Luckily, Meredith remained sleeping. The gentle rise and fall of her chest lulled him. Every now and then a snore would peak through her even breaths, nearly initiating a chuckle from the man. It was insane all these years later and his wife still relinquished snores. She was dressed in a thin, royal blue, ribbed tank-top. A single strap limp as it fell down her shoulder. Her breasts poked beneath the fabric. An inch of her shirt lifted from the seam, pale flesh showcasing itself.

In the two weeks Derek had been home, this is something he took time to do. Even when a trepidatious nightmare didn't tear him from sleep, he couldn't help but purposely wake himself just to examine his perfect wife. Meredith was always at her most serene when dreaming. The worry lines and crinkles of her face dissipated from view. The quirk of a smile ignited. She seemed, happy. Exultant that sleep had come and the anxiety of everyday life was now washed away.

He appreciated that. To see that his wife felt safe while slumbering. She trusted him.

Derek ripped his attention from Meredith and back to the primitive issue. His clothes were soaked in sweat. His throat hoarse, in need of quenching. Before escaping the cocoon of their bed, Derek leans over to press a gentle kiss against the crown of Meredith's feral tendrils. She twitches but merely adjusts from sleeping on her back to side.

Taking this as a sign, Derek disengages from the bed covers, transitioning his bare feet to the plush rug beneath his bare toes. The carpet must be a newer purchase of his wife's. The bed from the Dream House was still the same, new sheets but identical comforter. Much of their belongings were simply exchanged from the old abode to here. A mixture of the two most prominent homes he knew since moving to Seattle many years ago.

A shockwave of chills shoot up his back after scuffling from plush fur to brisk hardwood. He must've lost both socks beneath the sheets during the minimal sleep he's gotten. Derek grins, remembering the many occasions his wife insisted he was nothing short of a psychopath to wear socks while sleeping.

 _"My feet get cold." He countered with a snarky smile._

 _Meredith groans with agitation laced through her tone. "Only freaks and psychopaths think wearing socks in bed is okay!"_

Ironically so, the only thing he _did_ end up wearing that evening to bed were his socks.

Derek squints when stark light blinds his pupils. He allows the spots to dilute into nothingness. Once his eyes adjust, his gaze finds the mirror above the sink. His raven curls are dirty, kinked, and stuck to random bits of his forehead. A sheen of dew coats his flushed flesh. Liquid permeates his waterline. He blinks and a simple tear succumbs to the overflow. He's not crying or has any reason to, but his orbs water when he recollects the sole reason he's even in this miniature bathroom.

He's beyond exhaustion now. The only thing he desires is a hot shower and some new flannel pajama pants before succumbing back to his side of the bed. He fears thumping rain from the shower head would likely wake Meredith from her comatose state. He exiles the option all together. Derek leans over the counter and splashes cold water against his skin. The elixir makes him shake and shiver. It's no cascading water over his head but it does the job for now.

Opting against toying with banging drawers in their bedroom, Derek makes a beeline to the laundry downstairs. The children are still sleeping as he tiptoes along the hallway. Amelia is at Owen's or at least that's what she said. Maggie isn't supposed to be in the house either. The home is their own for the time being.

The stairs creak with each step he takes. Silently cursing to himself just before making it to the bottom step. A cascade of memories flood him. Strangely these stairs held a multitude of them. Derek preens to himself when he thinks of Izzie and Alex walking in on naughty staircase with Meredith so many years ago.

The house is silent. A flood light glimmers from the porch but nothing more reveals that a single person is awake and moving around. It's strange witnessing the furniture from the house he built here. There's also a new wall connecting the kitchen and living area. Meredith shared that Amelia and Maggie were the ones to begin the destruction a couple days after moving here. There was no surprise to Derek that his sister had an inkling to do with the situation.

Migrating from foyer, to den, to laundry room, Derek plucks a fresh tee and pajama flannels from the Downey scented basket. His sweat slicked clothing descends to the dirty clothes pile and in seconds he's good as new. The only thing left to scribble off his mental check list was a glass of water before crawling into bed with his wife.

It's only then that he realizes he isn't the only life form awake at 3:34 AM in the Shepherd-Grey household.

"Jesus." Derek's palm collides against his erratic heartbeat.

Maggie is perched at the island, fingers interlaced around a ceramic coffee mug labeled "Best Mom" for whom Derek believes is Meredith's. Oddly enough she was sitting in pure darkness, another reason he didn't notice her before now.

She twists her head and their eyes meet. Dark chocolate on periwinkle. Guilt strokes her expression. "I am so sorry, Derek. I had no idea anyone would be awake I didn't mean to scare you." Her apology seems sincere, sorrow dripping.

"It's okay." He says. He makes a trail from the laundry room to the steel fridge. A plastic bottle sits next to a cartoon of orange juice. He grapples at the water clogged bottle and chugs the first few gulps as if his life depended on it. "I didn't know you'd be here, I thought you were with Jackson." It was still strange for Derek to acquaint himself with the new relationships and people since returning. Last he was here Jackson was married to April. Now he was with Maggie and had a kid.

Maggie's lips tighten. She traces her finger along a crack in her coffee mug. A sigh elicits. "I am or I _was_ anyways. I don't know, I couldn't be there."

"What do you mean?" He's done as well as anyone could with the limited time frame given to catch up on the events in everyone's lives. There were so many things he was still unknowing to.

She gestures to the barstool across from her own. He assumes it's an open invitation to take a load off because whatever it is she's going to get off her chest is a doozy. Derek takes the bait though, partially because the fatigue had caught up with him but secondly he does remain curious.

With the yawn of a lion, Derek plops adjacent to her. Maggie's still donning a pair of jeans and a fleece sweater. How long had she been sitting here for?

"What I mean is that Catherine has an incurable spinal tumor and I don't know how to deal with it! I've never seen Jackson like this before. It's- God I just don't what to say or what to do. It's likely she's going to die and it sucks you know?"

He blinked, once, twice, three times more. Catherine Avery had a tumor? Or well Catherine _Fox_ apparently now. How much was Derek still in the dark about? "Wait, Catherine has a tumor?"

From the looks of it, Maggie seemed as if she desired to roll her chocolate irises at the admission he made. Except she didn't do anything of the sort, only exerting a breath he assumes may have been tinged with annoyance. "Yes. I forgot that you're only just getting here. It's inoperable and we don't know how much time she has left. Amelia and Koracick have been searching for answers but nothing works or will do the job."

Personally, Derek's been in a situation such as this a multitude of times. Flashing back to when Isaac, the radiology tech, requested Derek take a chance and remove his hemangioblastoma without paralyzing him. Richard denied him many times after Derek insisted he could get it done. Much to everyone's, including himself, he managed to beat the odds barreling against him. Perhaps there was a chance he could serve some purpose now too.

"Maybe I could take a look." Derek insists, quirking his lip to a sympathetic grin. "I was known as Mr. Impossible Tumor you know."

While he did have faith in Amelia and her surgical abilities, she seemed to take less risks than he, but he understood the caution. It was all about mortality rates and no one dare desired a high percentage of those. His first night back she came to brag that his rate was a tinge higher than hers. Even though he wanted to insist she hadn't been at Grey-Sloan nearly as long as he and that the surgeries she did were more by the book than anything. But Derek is doing his best to turn over a new leaf because life gave him a second chance. He doesn't yearn to rain on anyone's parade.

It's the expression Maggie contorts that puts him off. With her brow crunched, annoyance striking her eyes, Derek finds himself frozen at the spot. Clearly she wasn't seeking his help. He did tend to get cocky in his work, especially when it came to impossible tumor resections.

"I don't have to intervene. I know Amelia and Koracick can handle this 100% i was just saying the more the merrier. I get it, I've been gone a long time and it might seem skeptical of me to come back so early, but if there's something I can do... I want to help." Derek's pet peeve was watching his patients suffer. When cancer overruled and medicine wasn't enough to fix the dilemma, he got frustrated. Working in the medical field especially surgery was always a gamble. Surgeons couldn't prevent death. However, they could stall it.

His wife's sister sighs softly. "I get that you want to save lives, we **all** do. But this isn't just another patient you get to experiment. I know about you Derek. I know all about your successes but your failures too. You tried something experimental once with a pregnant woman and when it went south you hid."

"That was different. I wasn't trying something experimental with her I botched her surgery and I'll be first to admit that. But you have no right to accuse me of something you didn't even witness." Anger bubbled. This was his problem. Derek got defensive and when the person, a lot of the time Meredith, didn't agree he just blew up.

"This situation is just close to home. Catherine is like a mother to me. She's Jackson's mom and I'm his girlfriend. I know what it's like to lose a parent and it's torture. Your entire world crumbles."

"I do know what it's like to lose someone you love." Derek knew of this surprisingly well. Witnessing his father's murder, unplugging his best friend, he even lost a child after his wife miscarried. "I've lost a lot of people I care about. I even watched my own dad go down right in front of me. It was... it was awful." His fingers clench at the countertop thinking of the manifested gunshots ringing to his eardrum. Michael Shepherd died without decision. No doctor in this world could depict whether his life would be prolonged or not. There was still a chance for Catherine Fox, even if the probability was minuscule, miracles happened everyday. Derek knew this best of anyone. He came back and now so would Catherine.

"Oh god, I-I had no idea. Was it a heart attack or stroke?"

Derek's head shakes but he doesn't meet Maggie's gaze. "No. Two men shot him in his store. Amelia and I were there and we saw everything. By the time the men were gone it was too late, my dad was gone. I want to help Catherine. It's fucking hell when someone you love leaves. If Catherine can be helped I want to contribute something. I won't be in the surgery, I can't. My medical stance won't allow but I can research. I'll help."

"If I can sneak you past Dr. Bailey's hawk eyes then I think we can work something out." She cracks a smile and Derek reciprocates the exultant feeling. He wasn't sure how Meredith would react to he assisting at the hospital this early on, but he was certain she wouldn't fuss a great deal over the issue being cognizant Catherine was involved.

Derek presses the plastic opening of his water bottle to his cavern once more, gulping a cool swig of liquid down his throat. His adam's apple rolls at the admission. "Sounds good. I think I'm heading back to bed, you staying?"

Before Maggie is able to retort, the siren of her page brims the kitchen. "I guess it's a good thing I'm already awake." She says with a slight chuckle. Derek joins in on the laughter with a small snort but nothing more. The exhaustion has caught up to him and he's drained. Maggie quietly excuses herself, pouring the remnants of her coffee to the sink before escaping out the back door.

Derek's legs take a different direction to the staircase. He's so tired he doesn't recount just how he managed to the top and down the corridor to his bedroom shared with Meredith but somehow he does.

Meredith is lying on his side now. Every blanket twisted around her small silhouette. He smirks at the imagery. His knees make dents to the mattress, springs squeaking, the noise jostles Meredith from sleep. "Der?" The word thick and slurred.

He admires that her lids are still firmly closed and her lips barely part to execute proper dialect. God, he desires to kiss her. Her lavender conditioner stains the sheets with fragrance.

"Went down to get water." Derek whispers to his wife.

Her response is muffled. Derek doesn't catch the incoherent words but assumes she got the gist because soon after he rolls into bed, Meredith migrates back to her own side. Still swaddled in their comforter, Derek curls arms, legs, feet, and hands around her tiny body. Meredith grins at the contact and snuggles backward into the spoon. Her bare shoulder pops from beneath the covers. Derek kisses the freckled skin.

"Ur' warm." Meredith mumbles.

"Mmm." He rumbles back, tucking the tip of his nose into the enclave of her feral blonde waves.

Meredith succumbs to sleep quick. Her breathing evens in moments. Derek isn't far behind and soon he follows her back into the land of dreams. This time, no nightmare in sight. Only dreams of Meredith, waiting, just as he'd asked her to do so many years ago.

GA

Birds chirping and the beginnings of rain splattering. Typical noises to brush Meredith's eardrum for a Seattle morning. She dreads peeling her orb open. The fleshy darkness behind her lids is all too tempting. Sleep is her accomplice. Besides the hum of the falling rain, another white noise perks her interest. The shower. It's running. Steam slips from beneath the cracked bathroom door and it's enough to force her into consciousness.

Her cheek is smushed to a pillow on her husbands side of the bed. Every blanket is knocked to the ground. Each strap of her tank top has fallen and the boy shorts she wore to bed the prior evening have slipped from her waistline. Meredith's body aches. The soreness isn't bad so to speak. It's the kind that reeks havoc upon ones frame after a _really_ good sleep.

Being a surgeon and a mother to three didn't allow for perfect rest. Usually at some point one of her children was knocking on the door to report their thirst or a wet bed. With their energetic spirits normally by seven they've waken her to fix breakfast. If it wasn't the kids pulling at her arm it was the hospital.

Nonetheless it was a rare occasion Meredith Grey had a good slumber or a long one at that. The combination of pelting rain to the window and even drumbeat of the shower is enough to send her back into dreams. She was enjoying a rather glorious one anyways in which involved Derek and minimal clothing on his part. Just because they were wearing chastity belts for the time being didn't mean her brain couldn't conjure porny events.

She nearly capitulated to unconsciousness until her eyes cracked open momentarily to catch sight of her alarm clock. In bold, bright lettering, the numbers 12:34 PM blitzed her view. Feeling panicked, Meredith practically rolls off the bed. Derek's gone and no longer a comatose bear in their cocoon. The dots take a few moments to connect but then realization that he must be the one hogging their en-suite shower rams her like a truck. Why the hell had he let her sleep for so long?

Luckily she didn't have work. Bailey was keeping her on probation for a month and then a lighter work schedule to follow. She's sure if anyone besides Derek emerged back into her life that Bailey wouldn't of forced Meredith from work in the first place. She doesn't complain though. Instead she embraces the time off to be with her husband and children.

Before confronting Derek there's one thing higher on her mental checklist. She really freaking has to pee. Meredith's bladder is insistent it be emptied and soon. She doesn't bother knocking when she enters the bathroom. She and Derek have never been modest around each other so why bother now? He even left the door cracked for her.

"Hey, it's just me." Meredith calls. Exerting a breath, her gray boy shorts fall to her ankles and the trickling noise of urine coincides with the shower rain. Scrunching and wiggling her toes on the floor mat beneath her feet, Meredith sighs as the pressure digresses from her pelvis.

"Well I sure hope it wouldn't be anyone else." Derek calls over the splattering water.

"Maggie or Amelia could waltz in at any time thinking it was me you know."

Derek doesn't immediately answer. She uses the brief intermission to wipe and flush. Immediately, Meredith regrets her decision knowing that her husband was now being pelted by boiling water. "Sorry." She murmurs quietly, hoping he wasn't burned too severe.

"It's okay, I like my showers _hot_ anyways." He doesn't seem angered or annoyed by her accidental slip up. It was weird. To think things she did now no longer bothered Derek as they did before. The same went for himself ironically. His halitosis and stubble wasn't a complaint of hers now. She didn't mind that he left socks in their bed or that he sometimes crunched with his mouth open. Meredith was enjoying their vulnerability. It was lovely being able to just do as they pleased without one or the other fuming.

"Do you want to come in?" Derek asks. The questions throws her off the rocker. Something taut forms at her bellybutton. She doesn't think she's ready for that. And yes, Meredith knew he didn't want sex. Most likely desiring to wash her hair and take a whiff of lavender conditioner too. Maybe with sudsy palms Derek would feel her up in all the right places. But she couldn't help but want to deny his offer.

Meredith wasn't insecure or maybe she used to not care about her body. That was before. When the people she was screwing didn't mean so much to her. Deluca was never a prominent partner in her life. Maybe he gave mind blowing orgasms but he didn't provide love. Plus, Derek was still in the dark about her attack from two years ago. There were long lasting scars from the horror that came with the beating. Not to mention he's still yet to see the c-section wound either from Ellis.

Except, the notion of Derek's firm fingers combing her tendrils makes her jaw tingle and head clog with cotton. Not to mention how divine a shower sounds right now. Damnit! Why did Derek have to be so convincing with his dreamy eyes and soothing voice? It lured her into doing things her brain protested against. He was a lurer! or whatever.

"Where are the kids?" She's stalling with lame excuses about their children to defer his mind from the current topic.

"Zola and Bailey are at school and Ellis is with Amy. She offered to look after her because she doesn't have to go in until six tonight."

Meredith's breath constricts when she thinks of Derek letting her sleep while getting the children ready for the day. Just imagining him pulling them from sweet dreams and sleep with a gentle kiss, swaying them to the bathroom to brush their teeth and comb their hair, all the way to the breakfast table where he prepares delicious pancakes for them. That thought was enough to send her hormonal mommy emotions into overdrive. For so long she had been the one to get their children's day started. Sometimes Amelia and Maggie assisted when they could. It was a change in pace as Derek was fully taking the reigns and getting the job done for her. Somehow they'd settled into a perfect rhythm already and it made her heart swell.

His gestures were enough to get her clothes off. Her tank and shorts warm the tile instead of her body. Meredith stares at her feral image in the mirror above the sink. Hair oily, wild, knotted like a beast of the wild. Cheeks plump, red, burning.

"Mer?" His voice tears her from the thought process. "Are you coming in?"

"Yeah." Meredith pushes back the curtain to reveal her husband. Suds falling from his scalp, dripping from shoulder to thigh. His body is just as gorgeous as she remembers. His chiseled features only make doubt crescendo in her mind. Stepping over the lip of the porcelain tub, her arms cross over her breasts, shielding her womanly features from his scrutiny.

"Hello." Smiling like a peacock, he pulls her in for a wet hug. The water melts her hair down. The blonde fading to a darker shade from the drench. "You look well rested."

Rolling her eyes, Meredith responds to say, "Well yeah, you let me sleep past noon today. Seriously what's wrong with you I'm going to be up all freaking night." Not that she can mind too much. This is the most awake she's been in what's felt like ages.

"I didn't want to disturb you, snoring and all. Plus you deserve a break. I'm your husband and the father of our children, it's not me doing you a favor to take care of them it's my job. Give and take remember?"

"Why are you so good to me?" She asks.

Derek smirks. "Why are _you_ so good to me?" They've never been the type of couple to exude endless compliments to before. They don't do the "I love you more" bit over the phone either except lately she's compelled against her will to reel into the antics.

"I think we're becoming **that** couple, Derek."

Derek's response is the squirting noise of shampoo and the cold substance creating a pile at the top of her head. She fights to repress a moan from submerging after his fingers delve inward to her hair. "What couple?" His tone is teasing. Hot against her ear drum and it makes her throb in all the porny places. There would be no sex. Not now. Not in the shower. Not when she felt gross next to him. He was an Adonis and she was a straggling rag doll. At least that's how she felt.

"The kind that fights over who's the best and who loves who more." Her muscles lose tension with every stroke of his thumb upon her scalp. Satisfaction consumes her body.

The last person to wash her hair had been Derek before the crash. They were lazing in the bath, he the big spoon and she the little. Her head perched on his shoulder and his fingers toying with the strands. It was the night he pronounced his dreamy speech to her.

 _You're everything. And I'm not gonna stop loving you._

The memory makes her waterline brim. They really had been apart for so long. An array of life together ripped from their hands. She wanted to make up for lost time. Instead of fighting his gaze on her body, Meredith's arms fall lax against her sides. Derek is standing behind her. Derek's fingers trail to her belly. Scars from liver resections, c-sections, appendicitis all tattoo the plane of her abdomen. A pudgy one remains at her hip from when Lou slammed her body into the wall.

The water whisks the remaining bits of shampoo and conditioner from her locks. Derek takes this opportunity to turn her. Now they're meeting gazes. His expression permeated by sheer love for her. "You are so beautiful." He presses a soft kiss to her jugular and migrates down. He stops at the shoulder blade, onto her collarbone, over her thumping heart, and through the valley of her breasts.

Meredith watches as he struggles a tad to bend down. With his weak motor function in the legs it doesn't shock nor surprise her. She can't mind though, not when he's giving her appraisal.

Tears flow and she hates that. Derek's doing all that he can to make this moment something sexy but intimate for her. Why is she freely crying when his lips find the jagged scar on her hip?

"Where did this little mark come from?" Initially there is light heartedness in his tone. But then he tilts his chin to catch her shedding tears.

"Mer."

To the best of his abilities, Derek rises from his spot crouched at her waist. Meredith wipes her face and wrings out a watery smile but he can manifest through the facade. "You've missed out on so much." Meredith cracks. "So many things have happened and you weren't here. I've missed you so much and now that I know you were really alive hurts me. I know it wasn't in your realm to be here but, fuck, you weren't here with me." She trembles. His hand finds the small of her back. Derek brings her in, his chin to the crown of her head. This might be the most vulnerable she's been with him since he'd been back. How much more personal could someone be with another human than being skin to skin and shedding tears openly?

"Meri, I'm here. I'm here now I'm not going anywhere." Their foreheads press. Derek smothers her face in gentle kisses, assuring her in his own way that yes, he will be here when she goes to bed tonight and in the morning.

"Someone hurt me. I was attacked. That's how I got the mark." Meredith held demons in her closet that could no longer shy away from her husband.

She witnesses first hand as his expression drops.

GA

They're sitting face to face on the denim material sofa. Knees touching, fingers entwined, but no talking. Derek squeezed his wife's soft hand in his. She reciprocated his touch easily. It was near three now. Meredith's hair was almost dry, curling and twisting into inconsistent waves. She was wearing one of his t-shirts. A large navy blue one she kept behind after his disappearance.

The rain dissipated some, the fractions of sunlight shimmering through the curtains make the freckles across Meredith's nose showcase. With his free hand, Derek brushes her bare knee. A bruise was forming at the cap. She told him a couple days ago she bumped her knee at the threshold of their front door.

They spent the last hour sharing tears in the shower, soon after drying off hand in hand, before migrating to the couch to talk about Meredith's attack. Never once had she mentioned the abuse since he'd been here. But Derek couldn't sit and point fingers when he himself was keeping his own personal skeletons in the trunk. At least Meredith had enough courage to stand up and tell him. Unlike he who creeps out of bed in the middle of the night to change shirts and collect himself.

Maybe it's for the best he wasn't there to witness what occurred. From her gruesome detailing, the patient managed to have her hospital confined for months. Truth be told Derek doesn't think he would have been strong enough not to crack apart. Recollections of when she nearly died after drowning flood forward. He'd been an utter disaster during that fiasco and the damage still lingered after.

"I'm so sorry." He repeats himself again from the apology he reciprocated minutes before. Derek can't help but feel responsible. Maybe if he had just been there, she wouldn't have been hurt in the first place.

Crawling forward, Meredith cups his cheek. "Der, this is _not_ your fault. No one could've prevented what happened to me. I wanted you to know because I don't want to keep secrets anymore. We got a second chance. Most couples don't get that. I shared because you're my husband and I love you." A smile spreads against her cheeks. In this light, she is so undeniably gorgeous.

He could sense in the shower she felt uncomfortable in her skin. He understood the feeling well. Back in England, when first waking up, he felt sickly. His body was thin and weak. Derek still doesn't feel that he is completely back to his normal state. Even after over a year of physical therapy he may never get there. But he has grown comfortable enough with his body that he doesn't cringe with every glance in the mirror.

They were a pretty banged up pair. "You're right. We don't keep secrets now."

It wasn't fair that she could open up to him about the attack and her insecurities for he to offer nothing in return. Their marriage couldn't heal when he wasn't completely honest with her. "Mer." Derek starts. "I think I have PTSD."

* * *

 **I'm posting this late at night I know! I meant to have this chapter up WAY earlier than this but I've been really consumed by school work amongst other things so here it is.**

 **I like this chapter but I couldn't add more or else it would have gone too long. Plus it brings us into a few topics I've been DYING to touch on. Firstly the idea that Derek is going to help with Catherine's tumor isn't my own. Someone made a comment that he could possibly help out and it inspired me to write this. Secondly, the whole Derek has PTSD is something I personally want to dive into. No, his struggles wouldn't be the same as Owen's in which he's choking Meredith in the middle of the night he he definitely has a lot of demons floating around. I think Derek had PTSD tendencies on the show and they never really touched on it. So I found that this, he who was supposed to be dead, found alive but in such a traumatic way.**

 **I'm also not quitting on Meredith's abandonment problems. I bring it up slightly in this chapter with the shower bit. It's clear she thinks a lot about how he was gone during these three years. The toll it takes on her and it's evident she's just frightened he might leave again.**

 **There are going to be more scenes with the children I promise! I have stuff planned and I am going to do Bailey's fifth birthday for this too! Speaking of I think I might make Linc and Derek friends in this? We'll see.**

 **I want to thank you all for the endless amounts of support on this story. I'm going to start thanking you guys in the beginning of every chapter so if you're a guest reviewer just leave a name or something that I can use when thanking you! Any commentary helps always.**

 **Tell me stuff you want to see also. I'm not great at remembering a lot of the stuff that's happened since Derek died or is currently happening. Remember any medical information is from google and my personal knowledge so don't be too harsh if something isn't correct.**

 **Also this isn't work safe. I edited this myself so any mistakes are on me.**

 **Thank you again, I adore you all!**


	6. Miss You

Meredith felt like a peeping tom in this moment. _Tom Koracick_ more like it. That man was seriously a pervert and an objectifier of women. Except Meredith wasn't itching to crawl inside someone's pants, instead she was gawking at her very much alive, and for the time being _chaste_ husband. She was digging her toes against the cotton sheets of her bed. They were fresh. Smelt of Downey Fabric Softener and Derek's elixir. When Meredith first entered the bedroom he was napping. Since returning home she slowly but surely fell into the rhythm of his schedule health wise.

Derek often succumbed to random cat naps during the day. She understood after dealing with numerous cases similar to Derek's. With his condition and sustaining injuries it came as no surprise he grew fatigued easily. Besides the point, her handsome husband was peacefully resting on crisp sheets and Meredith joined him for a nap. Her initial intentions were a rapid fifteen minute sleep. Unintentionally was stretched to a two hour rest, complete with body snuggles and Derek's thick stubble scratching her forehead.

Being this way was completely opposing from their married life prior to Derek's accident. At that time they were both so consumed by the hospital, work, being on top that time spent such as this never peeked through. With the surgeon aspect of their livelihood subtracted, a stronger bond was conjured. Spending such a profound amount of time together per-day allowed for a different type of bonding.

Now, Meredith received the luxury of dozing with Derek in broad day light and she really freaking relished that feeling. It was the most well rested she'd been in possibly years. As everyday crescendoed, the less Meredith found herself missing the surgery high.

Meredith was jolted from her comatose state when Derek's lips touched her shoulder blade. They were spooned together; a jumble of limbs entwined comfortably. He murmured the hour, insisting their children would be home soon and dinner time was approaching vapidly.

She still couldn't prepare an edible _and_ delicious meal to save her life. It was Derek who was the master chef. Maybe not specifically a wizard in the kitchen but at the very least his toast wasn't a crispy charcoal. Derek would inform Meredith the only reason he even knew how to cook digressed from his mother and four _very chatty_ sisters. Especially after his father passed, he insisted it was his place to step up and care for the girls, even the older ones, Nancy, Kathleen, and Lizzie.

There were no complaints when he took the liberty of making some type of casserole for the family. With his return she was exultant that now he could concoct their meals. The kids appeared more than joyous as frozen meals diluted from their daily appetite.

The gooey cheese melting on her tongue during dinner was almost enough to elicit a moan of gratitude from between her lips. Meredith was more than grateful home cooked meals such as these could be served more often now that Derek was safe and sound.

As of current, Meredith found herself to be grateful again because not only was she gifted the luxury of fatty, cheese drizzled, carb loaded casserole for dinner but now the intoxicating imagery of her husband skimming through dresser drawers was her prominent view. Having just finished his shower, Derek was standing clad in navy boxers, his naked back to her irises.

She gulped. Gazing with intricate detail at the way his muscles bulged and curved against his back. Derek's tendons rolled with certain movements. Meredith wiggles her toes at every opportunity.

"If you want to jump me, go ahead Mer nothing is stoping you." His voice jolts her from the hypnotic state. Her body jerks and the book perched at her lap falls helplessly to the rug down below.

Meredith senses a smirk striking Derek's cheeks, even when she isn't able to inspect his expression. "What is that supposed to mean?" She's quick to defend herself.

With a chuckle, turning to face her, Derek gleams. Mischief circles his ocean orbs. "I could literally feel your eyes glued to my back. Seriously, if you want a show or some action I'll give it to you." Derek was joking or so she assumed he was. Throughout much of the time she's known him, Derek's mantra was definitely igniting sultry conversations between the two. Their _thing_ so to speak was sex or anything to do with the physical act. When words failed for the both of them they used their carnal desire to speak volumes.

A multitude of instances flash before her eyes when she thinks about it. During their rough patch just before his _death_ she recollects the angry shower sex they endured one evening before Richard and Maggie were supposed to show for dinner. Sex verbalized a lot of emotion for the two. Meredith was never brilliant when it came to expressing love. She was emotionally stunted for much of her life. Derek taught her how to embrace every feeling bubbling internally through physical acts of love. She showcased passion, desire, anger, sorrow, love through sex because truthfully it was the only way she knew how.

It was a definite shock to not only her peers but to herself regarding the celibacy. The old Meredith and Derek would have tackled one another to a mattress the moment their eyes locked. Now though, the waiting, was nearly enjoyable. Sex placated a fixed amount of pressure on anyone. With the carnal activities executed from the equation, things flowed easier.

Now that Meredith could really talk to her husband, she kind of never wanted to halt it. Except of course that didn't mean her sexual appetite dissipated by any means. She still found him easy on the eyes. If their weren't rules surrounding a chastity pact then maybe Meredith might have taken Derek up on his offer to screw like bunnies.

To the best of Meredith's abilities, she contains the beast within. "There will be no sex." Meredith asserts. She smirks at him rapidly just before leaning over the edge of their bed to retrieve her trashy romance novel from the floor.

"You say that now." The sheets rustle when Derek's weight dips the mattress. A bundle of gray cotton is tangled in his hand. Derek's chest remains bare. The only warmth radiating his torso his own flesh.

A few scars layer his skin. They're faded and some barely noticeable to the naked eye. She only imagines the effects a semi submerging against a human's body could have on someone. Her husband is a living poster child for semi damage. That twists her heart. His body was something she well acquainted herself with over the years. Learning every indent, freckle, hair, crease. Once the sex aspect of their lives reignited she'd re-learn his frame plus the newer additions including the winding, jagged wound near his left hip.

Meredith discovered that during a shower they indulged on a few days prior.

"No sex." Her tone is soft. Shifting to his side, Meredith stretches her thigh across his lap. With her fingertips she concocts a trail from chin to collarbone. Her lips promptly suckles and nip near a larger scar just under his ear. Derek's eyelids dip at the contact. "But, that doesn't mean we can't play a little."

Derek's skin is surprisingly soft. Alongside his battle scars a cluster of freckles is an array across his flesh. His fragrance is a concoction of Dove soap and Old Spice deodorant. He smells like _hers._

Without hesitation her palm is steady against his beating organ. The rhythmic thumping of his heart makes her own quicken in beats. Sometimes Meredith still felt like she could be dreaming. That this entire scenario was something her subconscious created to play games with her. Except no matter how many times she embarrassingly pinched herself when no one was watching, she never woke. Meredith's miracle dream was a reality.

She got high off that thought. Maybe the neck kissing and gentle fondling was an excuse just to avoid their bigger dilemmas. Like that he openly admitted to possibly having PTSD a week ago or that she's still avoiding work because then she'll have to face DeLuca. Meredith did relish these newfound conversations with her husband of course, but it didn't mean she was up and ready for anything.

For the time being, she avoids words and hides behind a veil of lust. Maybe no sex would present itself but they could still whittle the evening away.

* * *

Halloween was approaching. Usually for Meredith, Halloween had just been another holiday where random children stalked her door all evening for free treats. Before the children and before Derek she found the occasion annoying. The only elixir that used to come out of Halloween for her were the feral parties she attended only to get shit-faced or laid in the end.

Life was ironic in ways that made her desire bursting into giggles when pushing a shopping cart down aisle four of a Costco in search of Hershey bars or Kit-Kats. Ellis wiggles in the miniature seat of the cart. Her stumpy fingers curl and pull at the plastic encasing the metal handlebar. She constantly reaches to grapple items from a shelf but Meredith's reflexes are rapid enough to halt any intrusion.

"El." Meredith sighs. "Please try and keep your hands away from the shelves, we have to hurry and pick daddy up from his PT class." The mention of Derek is enough to do her daughter in. With a grin, Ellis claps her hands, bouncing with euphoria.

Normally any mention of "daddy" does the trick. Meredith's picked up on the tight knit bond between her youngest and husband. Even with the proximal time Derek has been here, they've developed something special. He has unique relationships with each of their three kids. She's grateful he's here to make memories with Ellis. It doesn't irk her when Ellis insists her dad tuck her into bed now because not only is Meredith exultant he _can_ but she's graced with the beautiful sight of Derek rocking their daughter in the chair, tumbling his fingers down her tiny spine, whispering a bedtime story as she falls asleep.

"Daddy gimme' bath tonight?" She pleads with those shimmering periwinkles. Akin to Derek's begging irises.

Snatching a box of lucky charms from the third shelf up, Meredith clicks her tongue. "We'll see. If he's not too tired I'm sure he'd love to give you a bath tonight."

Derek started his physical therapy again a few days back. After Amelia begged and pleaded that he try, Derek obliged to her numerous requests. She made a slew of promises that this time, if he **really** put in the work ethic, there could be a chance at regaining much of his mobility again. Possibly lose the cane too. His classes are at the hospital. Someone Amelia is tight with in the non-surgical realm of things offered to be Derek's instructor. Amelia insisted this guy could get him to a semblance of normalcy.

She said they could tether with the notion of a surgery or two if Derek thought it might be more effective than another round of PT. Meredith was an icicle pondering him going under the knife. However, she didn't intervene but was secretly exultant he opted against another surgical procedure for now.

The wheels of her cart squeak every few seconds. If her buggy wasn't nearly brimmed she would have traded it much earlier for a different one. Meredith _still_ has to pick up Zola from her dance class and Bailey from his play date with Trevor before rushing back to get Derek. They're scheduled to head for the Porsche dealership in a few days to purchase him a new one after the last Cayenne was totaled. That way when her leave is over Meredith can make an easy transition back to work and Derek can drive himself to and from his physical therapy.

She shucks a few more bags of assorted candy into the metal chamber. Ellis quiet now, toying with the loos strands of blonde curl of her hair. Meredith finds herself grinning unintentionally. She's euphoric to be pushing a shopping cart around in a store built for mother's in search of Halloween goods. Strange how life works.

GA

Derek grinds his molars. Drops of sweat slip from his temple to jaw. A fresh sheen of dew coats his skin. He's really fucking tired. Exhaustion swept him a half hour ago but his trainer refused to relinquish. Amelia wasn't toying with jokes after admitting this guy was a tough cookie to crack. His previous physical therapist in England wasn't nearly as gruesome as this one. It makes him curious if his easier tactics could be why Derek's forced to a cane now.

He pushes through his struggles at that single thought. Because no matter how much he's aching to drop down to his back and lie unmoving, quitting was never an option when it meant he could rehabilitate. It's the sound of a door buckling back into its place that tears him from exercise. His instructor shouts somewhere in the distance that "He's good to go." for the day. Genuinely succumbing to his rear end, Derek slides down the wall before meeting gazes with his gorgeous wife.

Her hand is clipped in Bailey's, Ellis at her hip, and Zola poignantly trailing behind decked out in a leotard and a purple peacoat. He finds himself preening at his beautiful family. "Overdoing it?" Meredith gently questions. Humor laces her tone which only widens his smile. He's missed her since arriving at the hospital earlier. Corny considering it's only been a few hours but he allows the sap only because of their three year separation.

"Maybe." He retorts softly.

Derek's gaze wanders watching Ellis escape her mother's clutches. She leads Zola and Bailey to his realm. Derek accepts their love with open arms. "Hey guys." Derek does his best to incorporate all children in his hold. The children snuggle against him. Sometimes he genuinely doesn't believe any of this is real. He thinks by some off chance he'll wake in a panic, still trapped inside the cramped loft back in London.

"Daddy you stink!" Zola giggles and punches her nose in an attempt to evaporate his sweat brimmed stench. The admission causes him to chuckle, Ellis and Bailey mimicking their older sisters gesture. He finds Meredith on a giggle kick herself in the corner of his eye.

"Sorry. PT makes me sweat so I smell bad." His hand caresses Zola's upper back, stroking tiny circles across her spine. His daughter leans into the touch, hugging him further despite the odor of his skin. Ellis follows suit, even going so far as plucking a sloppy kiss against his cheek. He's grateful to have this opportunity to reacquaint himself with all three children. He's learned several things upon the return. When he left, Zola and Bailey barely had personalities. They were still babies. The worst was that he never even got just _that_ with Ellis.

Being here a month has taught him Zola is incredibly smart and strong. He's certain that girl is going to keep he and Meredith on their toes from here on out. Bailey is shy to outsiders but breaks from his shell to those he's proximal too. Plus, he's picked up that his son will add the word "funny" before most sentences he divulges. "Funny, I'd like an apple." or "Funny, I need pajamas." The littlest, Ellis, she's brave. Not to mention her adorable obsession with hip-hop.

Derek's thankful for his health and he's thankful for his family. He relishes them to pieces.

"You guys ready or are we having a slumber party on the floor here?" His wife suggests.

Derek tiredly lifts his free arm, motioning that she join them. "No slumber party but maybe a quick nap." He teases Meredith with a slight wink. She only shakes her head in response to his antics but cashes in the offer to join he and the kids on the ground. Meredith nestles between Zola and his left side. Each of their little ones snuggle closer.

* * *

After a manifold of pleading from Ellis, Derek does indeed bathe her that night, Bailey too once Zola finishes her own bath. He doesn't mind though. Even if his muscles were crying uncle it didn't make him want to keep their children of that time spent together. Plus, Meredith informed him over Ellis' begging in the grocery store earlier. Their youngest daughter is a perfect combination of himself and Meredith. She's inherited her mother's pleading gaze however. The sort that makes it hard to deny her.

Meredith offers to get them to bed that night, bed time stories, tucking blankets, kisses to their tiny foreheads. Zola and Bailey are too groggy to ask for him but Ellis is a completely different realm. She's done this since he arrived. He assumes the clingier attitude stems from his absence. A feeling of guilt subdues him if he were to say no. His daughter screams bloody murder if he isn't there to stroke her hair back and read Goodnight Moon. Derek does his best to keep her exultant. An unhappy three year old is the **last** thing any parent wants.

"It's okay to tell her not tonight, Der. She has to learn." Meredith whispered this to him as he tiredly trudged for the hall bathroom to start his daughters bath. Before he could create any answer, Ellis ran from her bedroom decked out in a yellow duck towel, the hood eclipsing her blonde tendrils.

Derek lifted their little girl with a snort. "Oh come on, how do I say no to this?"

Ellis' bedroom is lavender. A similar shade to Meredith's. Derek took note of this the primitive time he rocked Ellis to a stupor. He's reciprocated that action almost every evening since. Their hair sprouting from her scalp is slightly damp but mostly dry at this point. Ellis wears a pair of donut pajamas she so excitedly plucked from her bottom dresser drawer. The noise of her even breaths nearly lull him to sleep. Her tiny thighs straddle his waist and her hands clutch the fabric of his tee. Her grip loosens though as unconsciousness nears.

"I know I wasn't here when you were born." Derek's coo resonates against the watermelon scent of Ellis' silky locks. "And that kills me. Not knowing you existed for three years of my life. I do love you so much. I'm going to anything and everything I can to make sure that I am here to watch you grow big in this world. I'll be here for Zola and Bailey too. All three of you guys. I don't mind rocking you until your eyes dip and your breathing deepens because it's just another moment spent making up for what I lost. I'm doing my best to make it up to you guys, your mom too."

"She's asleep you know." Meredith's whisper jostles Derek. Leaning against the white doorframe, she quirks a soft grin his way.

Derek's eyes narrow at the girl. He _knew_ his daughter was sound asleep ages ago, but humors his wife to check. "Really? She was just reciting the Pythagorean theorem a few seconds ago?" If their creation wasn't soundly nuzzled to Derek's chest he believes Meredith might have thrown something at him. She doesn't and instead moves toward the rocking chair.

"She is very intelligent." She says, pressing a sweet kiss to her crown.

"How long have you been standing there?"

Meredith sits at the armrest of the chair, halting its swaying movement. "Long enough to know that you secretly adore when Ellis asks you to rock her asleep." She curls her long fingers around his wrist, squeezing, reassuring.

"How do I tell her no when she has this bossy but very cute expression striking her face _all the time?"_ Derek's head cocks to his right, a slight pucker of his lip. "Similar to yours actually."

"You like the bossy-ness." She reciprocates.

It's true. Derek relishes his wife's bossier tendencies. Her dominance one of the many things Derek fell for so long ago. Even that primary night in the bar, sipping on a glass of double-malt-scotch, evenly prodding the more she denied his charms. "I do, yes."

Ellis' room was rather dim aside from the butterfly nightlight illuminating the far left of her vicinity. Even in the crappy lighting, Meredith's orbs still glimmered. Her emeralds beaming. Living in London with not a single recollection was torturous. Being unaware of his own first name was daunting. Strangely enough the single Polaroid found buried in his wallet was the single thing guiding him through the nightmare. At the time, Meredith Grey was only the mesmerizing blonde with the crazy gorgeous orbs in a picture he couldn't recognize, but it got him through a lot of the harder shit for sure. He's found an obsession with her irises since recovering his memory. They served importance for the year he was gone, awake, and they still serve that now. The fear of forgetting her again still lingered.

Albeit, Derek kept hope separation wasn't upon them any longer.

"You're staring." Her voice is a gentle whisper, mindful of their daughter who is sleeping peacefully.

Derek presses another kiss to Ellis' hair. Unconsciously, she snuggles closer. "Admiring, not staring." He groans when rising from the polka-dot rocker. His thighs scream at him to rest but his brain ignores the siren call. His first priority is tucking Ellis in before anything. She shifts in her sleep when cool linens touch her soft flesh. Derek admires her sleeping form, brushing hair from her face, kissing her rosy cheeks.

He can tell that Meredith is watching from behind. Derek doesn't mind the audience. "Night, love-bug. Love you." His words cradle at her eardrum. A faint grin curving along her tiny face. Derek takes this chance to leave, throwing an arm around his wife in the exit.

All the little ones are officially asleep. The old Meredith and Derek took this free time as an opportunity to make love or indulge on a bath. Being chaste was different considering moments like these were spent communicating with words rather than actions. The couple ponders down the hall, to the master bedroom, the door closing behind them.

Derek unfurls his arm from her shoulder. Meredith in turn twists each of her limbs around his neck, leaning up at her toes to kiss him.

Their lip lock starts soft. Slow, easy, natural. His wife tastes like the chocolate brownies she devoured after dinner. Derek notes that her lips are supple. They mingle against his cavern perfectly. Their lips are matching jigsaw pieces. Meredith winds Derek backward. With a thump, his shoulder blade meets the lavender wall. His hands trail down her vertebrae, tailbone, to the pockets resting along her firm tush. His fingers dive into the denim. Their kiss crescendoes from PG to nearly R-Rated in moments. Something neither of them have dipped into since he came returned.

It's when her tongue pushes beyond his canines and mingles with his own that he elicits a quiet moan. Pushing and connecting with hers, Derek keeps the fiery kiss going. At this point Meredith's fingers tangle in his curls, tugging, pulling, crinkling the hair between her skin. They're still fluent in sex and all things surrounding. No matter the amount of time that's passed, Derek still is cognizant with her body, what makes her tick, all the pleasure spots.

 _I've never been a fan of new. I like to know the person, their bodies, what makes them moan._

Primitively, Derek would have grabbed Meredith by her thighs and launched her to their bed. Like a prowling animal, he would lunge her way, taking Meredith carnally with passion. But this time he doesn't. He continues their kissing. Acquainting his tongue with hers.

She disconnects the steamy moment. Her lips slowly tear from his. Meredith pants, her breaths pulsing against his chin.

"I-I don't know what got into me. I just, I miss you." Her tone is a wrecked whisper.

Derek dislodges his palms from her back pockets. Pushing up, up, up, until the digits of both hands reach her hair. He cups her skull like a halo. "It's okay. Baby steps are good. You can kiss me like that any time you want."

His lips brush her forehead. The skin there is molten, burning, dewy. "When you were rocking Ellis and putting her to bed it just hit me that this is my reality. You're here and I think that thought made me want to jump your bones." A faint chuckle releases. Meredith leans her head to his chest.

"French kissing is good, I like the kissing." He says. "More kissing I say." Derek wiggles his brows at her. That gets her to laugh, a noise he relishes with every ounce of his being. His arms encase her body. They hug for a couple moments with no talking.

Meredith pulls herself from him. Her hands cup his arms. She clenches. "I just want it to be something special. That sounds really out of character but when you and I decide we're ready to move past the scars and all the shit, it should be something really special. I barely even remember the first time we had sex because I was drunk and I didn't know you. This is our do-over first time. I want it to count for something."

"It'll be perfect. I promise. No rush." Meredith's bluntness makes his heart swell. She unshed's her walls around him. He appreciates her honestly on the topic.

They kiss again. Her cavern is still warm. "Is a bath too big of a baby-step?" She questions quietly.

Derek shakes his head. "A bath is good." He takes her hand to lead them across the bedroom and to the en-suite bath, brimming her claw-foot tub with bath salts.

The smell of lavender is heady for the remainder of his evening.

GA

Meredith groaned, gritting her teeth as she struggled to pull the zipper up her side. Her costume was too small. It was Halloween night, the kids were begging to head out for trick or treating, and Meredith's costume wouldn't zip.

Fabulous.

She curses Derek internally. This was all _his_ idea. His freaking notion to dress her up as Wendy from the Peter-Pan movie. Where he thought up that was beyond her. But she slapped a smile across her face and agreed because it was him and his incredibly charming smile usually got the best of her. She was weak. She was a weak woman to submerse herself to this sort of thing.

"Meredith?" His voice rakes her attention. She swivels her gaze to Derek. She nearly opens her mouth just to curse at him for his ridiculous ideas except her eyes trail downward at his dark green tights.

Meredith struggles to keep laughter inside.

"You're wearing tights." She counters before he can ask what her deal is. With a sigh, the zipper she nearly pulled to the top slugged back down to the bottom. Exhaling in annoyance, Meredith left the contraption where it was.

Derek's head cocks. "Costume, Mer." He trails into the bathroom, shifting behind her. His face appears behind hers through the mirror. "You okay? You've been up here for almost a half hour."

There's no time to lie and tell him she's _fine_. Not when really, she's freaking upset, miserable, and her Wendy costume itches the crap out of her back. "No. I'm not _okay_ because you made me order this costume and it doesn't really fit me. Not to mention the kids are ready to leave and these spanks I'm wearing are kind of cutting my circulations off."

She meets his gaze through the mirror. His hands find her clavicles. He squeezes her joints. The dissonance of her muscles melts. When his nose presses against her neck, a rush of heat flushed her lower belly. "You don't have to wear it, _love_." The pet name nearly throws her off. Except it doesn't and secretly Meredith finds herself enjoying the sweeter title.

"Derek stop. You're just going to get upset that we can't wear the couples costume. You were so excited the other day that you nearly hugged the Amazon delivery guy at the door." She says. "You wanted us to be Peter Pan and Wendy."

A couple weeks back after Derek first suggested the possibility of a couple's costume this year, he asked if there was something she might want to be. Meredith drew to a blank. Her own childhood never consisted of Halloween or pleading for candy from random strangers on her block. She distinctly remembers Ellis blatantly dumping a bag of pre-packaged Kit-Kats and Tootsie Rolls in her lap each year before hurrying off to work. Then he asked if there were any childhood movie characters she liked, lopsided grin and all, so she panicked and blurted Wendy from Peter Pan. Meredith didn't watch Disney movies as a kid. She didn't know who Snow White was until junior high and she thought Sleeping Beauty was another term for beauty rest. Peter Pan was technically one of the only movies she watched as a child. But that had been a fluke because seven year old Meredith was at home sick with a hundred and two degree fever.

Derek practically squealed at the notion and ran with it. "If your costume doesn't fit right and you're uncomfortable, then it's not a big deal. You're going to be walking blocks, probably carrying a load of candy for the kids, I wouldn't want you doing that miserably." His sweet serenade follows up with a round of gentle pecks to her taut collarbone. Derek pushes the fluffy, silk sleeve down her arm. Her shoulder exposed now.

"Maybe we could improvise." Her hair was already pulled back, bow perfectly perched. She had the shoes it was just the dress that didn't seem to cooperate.

A quick outfit change a few adjustments later, Meredith was happily strolling down her block with all three children's and a Peter Pan to follow. She was donning a light blue tee and some jeans. A pair of black mary-jane's on her feet. Derek's cane slipped underneath the stroller. She was a worrywart, continuously asking if he needed the contraption but always he denied her offer.

"My physical therapist says it's good to push myself. If I want near 90% motor function back it's good to walk without it outside the house."

Meredith doesn't push on the subject, especially when Bailey begs to be held after an hour and holding a five year old _and_ pushing a stroller seemed near impossible.

Zola skipped at the speed of light. Her costume this year was a cheerleader, much to Derek's dismay his little girl no longer wanted to be a princess. Her pigtails bounced each and every time she hopped up someone's front porch. Bailey was an Avenger's character. Iron Man she thinks? Derek convulsed an entire spiel regarding the characters and the franchise. Even going so far to correct her after saying "Hulk" instead of "The Hulk."

Ellis went as a lady bug. Her costume seemed fitting because the round black dots on her plush outfit were shaped as hearts. Derek always referred to Ellis as his Love Bug. She conked out around two hours in. Their tiny girl resting peacefully in the stroller, thumb adjusted at her lip, and the soft stuffed lamb Derek bought her a couple weeks ago constricted in her arms.

"How much longer do you think she can go?" Derek asks, curling a free arm around Meredith's waist. Bailey was sleeping too, leaving Zola the only Shepherd child still alert and ready to conquer the neighborhood.

Meredith yawns and shrugs. "I really don't know. Last year she was pooped six houses ago. How does a seven year old have more stamina than us?"

"We're old and brittle." Meredith teases. She leans forward to tauntingly nip at his green fabric shoulder.

"Maybe not you."

She knows he wants to joke around his injuries and what's happened to him. But Meredith can read through his facade. Sadness does linger sometimes. It must be awful not knowing if your legs will hold up long enough or that complex surgeries are completely out of the question now. If it were she'd be devastated, he doesn't have to put on a happy face for her benefit.

"Hey." They stop and let Zola greet an elderly couple at the next home. Bailey shifts in Meredith's arms but the thought is distant. "You've gone pretty much this entire time without your cane. You only just needed it a half hour ago and you're still pulling through. You're already amazing me with the progress you've made. Who knows? Maybe one day you'll be back in the OR standing for twelve hours resecting inoperable tumors again."

Derek's expression softens and he brings her hand in his. "Mer, that means a lot. But the OR isn't on my main list of priorities anymore. I'm so grateful to just be here with you and our children. That's what matters to me. I get to go to the soccer practices now and the ballet. Maybe I tease about being immobile now but there's not a moment that goes by where I find myself ungrateful for this. I love you and I love our babies so much."

If it weren't for Bailey, she'd embrace him.

"I love you too." She reaches for his hand and the two continue their voyage for candy on Halloween night.

* * *

 **I know it's been a week since my last update but I was super busy! Plus I felt like I couldn't get the words down on this chapter for some reason. A lot because this story is really kicking off next chapter. I know this one is slightly filler-ish but I couldn't not write about Halloween and Derek being the sweetest dad.**

 **I think Ellis and Derek are going to have a really special bond. Of course he has bonds with all children but because he wasn't there and is making up for lost time, I think their connection with be strong. If you've seen anything from season 15, I hope you caught a few things I added. Including Meredith's speech to Thatcher and Bailey's Avenger's obsession.**

 **I went ahead and used Meredith's thing about the kids here because I have different plans for when Meredith (and Derek) visit Thatcher and the outcome. I want to address quickly that I most likely won't ever follow season 15 word by word if that makes sense. I'm incorporating ideas and events that are happening but I like to write my own dialogue and not take too much from the show.**

 **I'm really trying to touch on Derek and Meredith's whole celibacy thing. It's happening for a reason and maybe I'm just a sappy romantic but I can't help it. I feel like MerDer's first sex was just them getting drunk at a bar and I feel like their relationship grew so much more than that. Plus I feel like both Derek and Meredith have these insecurities, both physical and mental ones, that they're trying to be comfortable with for each other.**

 **Next chapter is introducing DeLuca and Linc so I guess we are going to see how that pans out. Would you guys like to see some old characters return? If so who?**

 **I appreciate all the support for this story, I hope to continue writing for as long as you all are interested. Leave a review it always helps!**

 **Thanks for reading, love you all!**


	7. Rumor Has It

**Hi friends! Welcome back to another installment of MerDer therapy as I'm calling it now. I forgot to mention from the last chapter, the Peter Pan and Wendy costumes were not my idea. Someone commented it on my Instagram when I asked for some ideas.**

 **This chapter is long. Very, very, VERY long. I finally get to where I want to and it's come to a place I think a lot of you might be shocked to discover. Remember MerDer is always endgame in the postitdempsey universe so no worries. I'd like to thank all those who reviewed last chapter; Paola1991, dempsxys, Leann Nickerson, jalinsod, patsy, G, baru11, J, Melanie, writer-in-newyork, izgreysfan, and all the guests as well. I love reviews they are so insightful and inspire me to continue. Grab a snack or some tissues before you start, I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

The air was damp. Drops of rain beginning their decent down on Seattle in the pre-dawn hours of the morning. November air whipped Meredith's cheeks, creating a rosier hue. She had goosebumps decorating her arms as she dashed from the porch to her Lexus in the driveway. Meredith could practically scold herself for leaving the vehicle outside rather than pulling it into the garage. Especially now running through rain and a freezing forecast.

She was going back to work. Never could Meredith have thought the notion of fifteen hour surgeries would be so exhausting. Three months ago the OR happened to be a prized possession. It was the one factor in her life other than her three children that provided a sense of normalcy when everything else felt foreign. She got comfortable when Derek reappeared. Especially because he was at home which only handed Meredith her own excuse to cozy up in her abode. The perfectly-polished bubble she was residing in soon went splat when Alex came to visit the other day to tell her they needed the chief of general surgery back from leave.

The way her stomach knotted like a pretzel when she pondered going back to reality was out of character. She can remember being nothing but a lowly intern and still getting eager to do her job even if it meant she was running on minimal sleep. She was barely slogging through now. Fatigue dripped from every pore, it'd be nothing short of a miracle if she could make it to the hospital without snoozing at the wheel.

The crappy weather only added to her dreary attitude. Those light drizzles now a windstorm as the car door slammed at its hinges. A shoddy breath elicits from between chattering teeth. Her seat was ice and it chilled through the barrier of her navy sweater. The familiar hum of her engine flooded the silent space. Purring, the Lexus beamed with life, lights enhancing, music blaring from her stereo. Meredith's already running behind but it doesn't halt her from waiting until the steering wheel isn't a block of ice to reverse.

Fluttering her lids shut momentarily, Meredith reminisces to an hour ago when Derek's arms were twirled around her waist, his even breaths pulsing in puffs to her neck. The shriek of her alarm nearly caused her skin to shed off. It was a shrill she'd dreaded to hear. Subconsciously the noise almost felt like a dream. Maybe if her eyes clenched tight enough it's awful blare would cease to silence.

Except Derek groans against her eardrum and not one of pleasure. It's when his arms unravel that her brain connects the dots to understand her vacation is over.

 _"Mer, get up." Came a groggy chirp from behind her shoulder._

 _Silva caked the corners of her lip. Glops of crap crusted her corneas. A sheen of sweat dotted her brow from the humidity of their human cocoon. Meredith did_ _ **not**_ _want to leave her pillow or Derek's warm chest. "No, I don't feel good." Came a moan. Her words muffled when her lips migrated to the fabric of her pillowcase._

 _It was rigid outside. Damp, depressing, and drizzling. A combination Meredith Grey was avoiding at every cost. A sliver of her prayed and wished Derek would feed into her phony cold, play along, and let her ring into work announcing her return would be halted. Unfortunately for her that plan sank almost immediately after it tread on water._

 _"You have to work. I'll be fine." Guilt eclipsed her. Yes, a small part of her was anxiety ridden that if she left him alone, there was a fair chance he might not be there when her shift ended. This phobia only stems from the last time Meredith went to work and he didn't follow._

 _ **"There's been an accident."**_ _That memory still burned to her temporal lobe. Never does she desire another horrifying ring from the police again. The abandonment phobia still runs deep. Maybe the idea of people possibly exiting wasn't so shocking to her any longer but that optimism they'll stay is there. It's when people do vanish that the abandonment complex fires away. Her alerts are shockingly high and well aware now more than ever. It's an all consuming fear that traps her into believing not swishing her head back over her shoulder means Derek's zaps away again._

 _But when his fingers touch the bare skin of her thigh, shifting from knee to hem of her shorts, that this tension drains. Looking back over her clavicle, her husband is nearly comatose. His lucid state is lingering by a thread, strong enough to stroke her flesh in a way that soothes her. Derek gets her issues, the mental crap, the daddy stuff, her commitment and abandonment problems, like no man before or_ _ **after**_ _him. He can read her mind or finish her sentences. It's like they're communicating through twin telepathy except they aren't twins and probably don't cultivate telepathy for real._

 _It's been lovely having someone who got her around again. "Maybe I'll just quit being a surgeon. Stay home with you all day and take naps at noon." She was going to miss their snuggling cat naps. Maybe the beginnings of laughter sprout after her commentary but they don't amount to much._

 _"You love surgery it's in your blood. A good morning surgery is your coffee." His metaphor was weird and her lids literally felt too heavy to lift. Except he was right completely. She would resent him and herself if surgery was exiled on her own behalf. Plus no job meant no support their family and Meredith wasn't seeking to move their abode of five to a cardboard box beneath a bridge._

 _"I hate when you're right." She spills gruffly, stripping the sheets blitzing with heat from her pale legs. Her husband only mumbles a response that her brain cannot comprehend. It's too early. She's envious he's fallen to rest again and her clock still reads 5:20 AM._

 _Some way or another Meredith slogs through a shower. It was the sort of morning she would sleep beneath its spray, toothbrush dangling from her lip. Derek shifts from his cozy position in their bed to press a tiny kiss to her lips just before she's needing to dash._

Meredith really does not want to go to work. She's developed feelings such as this time and time again.

 _I have a feeling I might die today_ her brain insisted before the bomb went boom! during her intern year.

Perhaps it wasn't the ten hour surgeries getting to her or even the early shift prying her from the bed. She was dreading the _people_ she may encounter once stepping through those doors. The leave of absence wasn't a gift that only provided hours of sleep her body craved but it was a protection of avoidance from her real life.

Speaking with DeLuca was the equivalent to carving her eye sockets out with a steak knife. He evidently had not a single recollection of her whereabouts or even why she was absent from her job. Endless mountains of texts, calls, emails, angrily questioning what the ghosting was about. She knew better than most DeLuca was impatient. In the past, when her mind went blank and the only excuse was her children to keep avoidance, it fueled his temper.

Some way or another Meredith's wheels aligned within the pasty, crumpled, parking spot line. Rain continued its downpour. It inhibited her sour attitude further. Familiar cars flooded the space. Alex's Audi and Amelia's BMW. She didn't want to enter in solitude. The tap at her passenger window nearly caused her heart palpitations.

Amelia stood beyond the glass, concern dripping from every pore. With a tired motion, Meredith sank her forehead to the cool texture of wood grain coating her wheel. "What the hell happened to you?"

Peeping a glance to her sister-in-law, Meredith grunted. Drips of dampness stuck at her hairline from the nasty hurricane brewing outside. "I do not want to go inside there." She lifts her brows to gesture toward the hospital.

"Is it DeLuca?" Meredith's breath hitched. At times guilt consumed her for the way things between she and her _sister_ had been over the last couple years. Recently their differences have fizzled but for a while there Meredith buried her anger for Derek's death on Amelia. Not because she felt it was her fault but because she was never going to be the right Shepherd. Which in reality was a shitty move on her part. Amelia was strangle one of the only people who understood her dark and twisty tendencies.

Just like now. Amelia knew the apprehension stemmed from DeLuca. "I ghosted him. Derek came back and my heart just shifted immediately back to him."

The leather crunches under Amelia's movement. Her sister-in-law migrates to face Meredith. Sympathy strikes her expression. "I know I'm Derek's sister and maybe I'll kick your ass if you say yes but, if you still feel things for DeLuca then say something. I mean if that is what this whole pouting, hiding out in your car, moping thing is anyways."

Meredith's stomach turned. Thinking of being with DeLuca now after everything that's occurred makes her nauseated. There has been moments where she lies awake at night, quivering that DeLuca slept next to her in Derek's spot. Grimy would be the proper verbiage to describe what she feels toward him.

"Oh my god no. I don't want to be with him. I mean sure he was fun to screw and pass the time with but I don't think I ever _loved_ him. Derek is the love of my life, not him." She says with every ounce of certainty. "I'm not nervous to see him because I think I'm in love with him. I'm apprehensive because I doubt he's going to take it well." Bile burns at the back of her throat when she thinks of his attitude toward her the numerous times she turned him down.

Derek yes, tried to pursue her back when she was merely an intern, before his perfect-leggy wife popped up and he stole her panties at prom. But never was he so cocky and arrogant in the way DeLuca was with her. Derek was playful and their banter at the time was all lighthearted. A lot of the time she felt like an object with DeLuca. It sickens her knowing much of the reason she even agreed to be with him was only because the attending/resident relationship reminded her of what she held with Derek.

DeLuca was blunt and rarely took no as a suitable option. "If he wants to be a bitch baby because you're happy with your _husband_ then I'll beat his ass no problem. I have no problem pummeling that arrogant son of bitch's face in." Amelia reminded Meredith much of Cristina in that moment. They were similar at an aggressive standpoint. She was grateful to have someone be there for her in situations like these.

"Don't murder him, please." Meredith retorts rapidly.

"I make no promises. Seriously though, just talk to him. Derek is the father of your children too and he needs to learn how to respect that. I seriously will intervene if he tries to get aggressive."

Meredith's locks her shoulders to her ears, holding down her airways before releasing a shaky breath. Her arms fall and lie relaxed at her hips. The engine tires it's even hum when her finger releases the 'START' control. "I just want to get it over with. I'm ready to move on."

"You're Meredith Grey. No one tells you what to do or how to live your life. Now get your butt up and march out of this car and tell Andrew DeLuca who the boss is! You not him, figuratively and literally."

Meredith grins at Amelia's feral pep-talk. Weirdly it shook her of the shoddy nerves enough to yank her from the seclusion of her SUV.

GA

The sterile aroma of medical supplies brushes his nostrils. It was a familiar scent. The kind he associated to more than a decade. Ellis walks beside him, the tiniest hand clutched to his palm. After dropping Zola and Bailey at school for the day, he was scheduled to meet Amelia today to discuss a game plan for Catherine Fox's surgery. The likelihood he would be able to stand through a thirteen hour surgery was minimal. However it didn't mean he couldn't placate his ideas for good use. Meredith was unaware of his attendance or that he was going to contribute to the Catherine Fox case at all.

Derek relished his wife but a nervous feeling encapsulated him. Meredith would likely endure a heart attack if she caught wind he was assisting on a case. Not simply that she wasn't supportive of the notion he reel back into work but that she might get weary if ideas sparked of her husband standing in on surgery with his current medical condition.

He brushes cognizant worries away for now. If Meredith so happened to spot him or bump into him in the elevator than so be it. He texted his sister a few minutes earlier of his arrival but there was no response. He couldn't page her. Derek was still familiar with the hospital although changes have been performed in his absence. Starting with the renovation of their waiting lounge. Things progressed deeper than its cosmetic attributes. The people. Derek hardly recognized anyone wandering the corridors. Many of his favorite nurses seemed to be traded for newer models. The batch of interns he remembers is now grown and off to better things. Even the attending's, Derek did not associate most.

He felt like a prisoner of his own mind again. As if amnesia kicked in once more to wipe the recollections.

 _Gasps of air flutter in haggard breaths from between Derek's lips. His hands tremble, fingers shaking, cavern quivering, knees insistent to buckle. Although he refuses to stop. Not until he reaches the loft._

 _A seven week hospital visit to rehabilitate seemed like more than an abundance of time. Except now when his brain is thumping and swollen, eyes watering, and his calves shake the statement is laughable. His nurse, the one who'd been there when he came to, is the one who offered him this place. Her title was Alice and they bonded over his stay. She felt like the single ounce of normalcy in a storm brewing with chaos. Derek couldn't leave considering there was no place he could really go. If he returned to the states, which one was the right one? He was thankful for this abode until his memory reappeared in full, if it ever would that is._

 _His memories were still shot and nothing he tried brought them forth. Only tiny snippets flashed in at some points. However they were never enough to bring him full circle. Only tinges of the mystery blonde from his Polaroid. One being his blonde hissing "Derek" at him, the only reason he knew his first name. A strange recollection popped in a couple days ago. A periwinkle post-it note. Most likely a younger version of himself sits adjacent to his blonde._

 _ **Take care of when old, senile, and smelly**_

 _ **That you'll love me, even when you hate me**_

 _ **No running**_

 _ **This is forever**_

 _The phrases spoken reminded him of wedding vows. But, they couldn't have been at a wedding. They were scribbling words on a sticky note. His blonde wore baby blue scrubs..._

 _Then it struck. He nearly jolted at the revelation. His mystery girl from the Polaroid was likely a doctor. Scrubs equaled physician right? The information was minimal but enough to narrow down the choices. He would dial Alice after a long nap and some food entered his growling stomach. She offered to remain close to him to help find his real life and home. He appreciates the loyalty._

"Whoa!" A taller, fit gentleman crashed head first into Derek on his way to discover Amelia's whereabouts. He was dressed in navy scrubs, digits curled tight around a cup of coffee, and a chart stuck to another. Sandy blonde hair and a pair of ocean orbs similar to his own completed his physique. Something insisted this guy was full of himself but still cared about others. Had Derek been that way?

Mr. Perfect places his items to the nurses station. Running a now free palm over his tresses, he sighs. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to run into you and..." his sentence drifts.

Ellis pulls at Derek's hand, whining and insistent they make a move immediately. "Daddy, I have to potty." His daughter makes a face. Her brow scrunches tight and her tiny legs cross.

"How do you know Meredith Grey?"

Derek's taken back by the question. How did this man know Meredith was associated to him? And what the hell made her name pop in his brain at this instant? Derek's gut somersaulted. "How do you...?"

He slaps his forehead. An extensive smile and chuckle escapes. "I completely spaced I'm sorry. I'm Atticus Lincoln, most just call me Link though. I'm an orthopedic surgeon, I work here. Well obviously I'm wearing the scrubs and all." Derek nodded slow, taking in the peppy, cheerful attitude with grains of salt. He seemed high but Doubted _Link_ would be someone to possess drugs or inject morphine regularly.

"Anyways." Link continued. "I asked if you knew Meredith Grey because of this little cutie pie. We're friends and I've met her kids before so that's why I asked. I've never seen you around before."

His reveal settled Derek's nerves somewhat. At least this wasn't the mystery boyfriend his wife was still keeping silent about. Derek isn't angry at her for having someone else but he doesn't think jealousy will quiet itself if he ever does meet the man. "I'm her husband." He quips.

"Meredith isn't married. She told me she wasn't."

"I came back from the dead." Link looks positively terrified or possibly weirded out by his strange offering. Derek wants to snort because he possibly broke Pretty Boy.

Except Link doesn't bolt for a psych consult, instead he stays. "What? I-I don't?"

"I died three years ago. Well everyone thought I was dead. I suffered from retrograde amnesia and was living in London until a few weeks ago when all the memories flooded back. It's why Dr. Grey has been on leave for a month, I've been home. She's still my wife and this is my daughter Ellis."

"Wow that's incredible, I had no idea. I just thought she was divorced or something. Thank god, I hated her boyfriend. DeLuca, he's a real ass." An ass? To **his** wife? Derek's blood bubbles with fiery heat. "Oh, I thought she told you about him?" Link's apology likely stems from the expression of mortality darkening his periwinkle irises.

"I knew about him."

Guilt floods this mans features. Truly, Link seems to be empathetic of the situation. "I'm sorry. I really hope I didn't screw anything up with you and your wife. Meredith, err, _Dr. Grey_ is a wonderful person. I saw her earlier and she seemed different but I didn't know what is was. For a while I could tell this dark aura followed her around and suddenly it's just gone. It's you, your absence was her darkness. I can help you find her if that's why you're here."

Derek somewhat enjoys Link. Mr. Perfect appears genuine. Although his brightness is slightly scorching to the cornea, he's a decent guy. "No, it's alright. I'm not here to see Mer, I'm here for my sister Amelia Shepherd."

One would have thought a bomb detonated judging from Link's eyes. They crescendoed to saucers in seconds flat. "Oh my god, you're Amelia's brother?! I remember when you died, it was in every medical magazine, blog, article! You were a legend, **are** a legend. You're Derek Shepherd. I don't know why I didn't connect the dots sooner. I should have recognized you immediately but your hair is shorter now and you're not wearing scrubs so I mean ah, total brain fart. Sorry to make brain jokes I understand you're really serious about your specialty and on a professional standpoint I do know brains can't actually fart."

Link likes to ramble. In the four minutes Derek's known this guy, it's evident he relishes the art of fast paced speech that barely correlates. Similar to his wife who could ramble her head off. Except Meredith's was a nervous habit and he can guess Link goes about this normally. "Link, it was nice getting to know you and I'm glad to know you're apart of the 'Derek Shepherd Fan Club' and all but my daughter is about to pee on this floor if I don't get her to daycare and I really need to find my sister."

"Yes! Right, I'm going to have a resident take my consult and I'll get little Ellis to a bathroom and you to see your sister."

"Oh, you don't have to-"

Before Derek can finish, Link extends his grip to Derek's wrist. He and Ellis are nearly sliding along the ground to an elevator.

This should be interesting.

GA

Meredith Grey hated her job. Before this very moment, she enjoyed the profession. Except now, being a surgeon at a teaching hospital meant residents and interns were placed on her service. Meredith never chose due to favoritism, the chief chose for her. Dr. Hellman and Dr. DeLuca were working a case with her today.

She is _so_ going to beat the crap out of Alex when she finds him. Ignoring Andrew DeLuca was harder than she could have predicted. That man was nearly chasing her down hallways just to grapple her attention. Maybe hiding from a sort of ex-boyfriend was childish on her behalf but she knew better than anyone what the repercussions would consist of.

Her life was finally getting back on a track. Meredith didn't want to diminish that because of some Boy Toy she fooled around with for a few months. She sighs when standing at the OR board. There isn't a crowd which frightens her DeLuca will find her and question her. She's only spoken to him on a professional level. Asking how gallstones formed and if they could cause an inflamed pancreas during rounds today. There was a bitterness entwined with his tone she didn't appreciate. Even if they were dealing with personal matters, it was no excuse to elicit an attitude in front of patients.

Tipping forward and backwards on her navy converse, a hand curls around her shoulder to halt the movement.

Meredith gulps.

"You've been avoiding me." _Crap!_

Maybe if she bolts he won't be able to catch up. It's doubtful. He's younger and she knows of his stamina, even if the way she's cognizant makes her ill to think about. She turns, slow, meeting his gaze.

DeLuca's hazel eyes are dark. The way his brows knit is why she backs a step away. "Dr. DeLuca I don't think now is a good time."

He scoffs. "No time is ever a good time for you, _Meredith._ I want to know what the hell is going on. You let me bone you in an on-call room a month ago and then I don't hear from you again! When I ask people where the hell you went they all answer with the same bullshit 'it's a personal matter.' I'm your **boyfriend** I should know where you disappear to."

His demanding nature doesn't settle well with Meredith. In fact if it weren't for the Hippocratic Oath she would pummel him into the nurses station. "I shouldn't have left unannounced but I had a damn good reason for why I did. If people told you it was personal, then it fucking was. You have not a clue what's happened to me in the last month."

"Exactly!" He spits. "I don't know what the hell is going on because you're more closed off than a brick wall. I didn't deserve to be ghosted, you could have at least called."

"I was with my freaking husband!" A crowd draws inward. Scrub nurses and residents file in to watch the disaster unfold. She's clenching her fists to keep from exploding further. What she wouldn't do to just slap the hell out of DeLuca right now.

"Husband? Meredith he's dead. How many times do I have to tell you it's okay to let go and move on? It doesn't take a month to visit someone's grave."

"That's not what I was doing..." She starts.

"Oh then what? Riding the ferryboat back and forth to _talk_ to him? You're my girlfriend. Talk to me not a dead guy."

"I'm not your girlfriend anymore. I was never... I didn't love you. We fooled around and sometimes we went to dinner but I don't feel love toward you. I let the excitement of a resident and attending relationship get the best of me. I only wanted this because it reminded me of my husband."

DeLuca sneers and moves forward. The hot puffs of his breath hit her neck. She's uncomfortable and wishes to flee the scene. Her lab coat hits the OR board. "You're breaking up with me? I spent months chasing you and the moment I finally get you, you're turning me down for a guy who died three years ago. Get over him already. You know good and well we were in love."

She slaps him. Meredith Grey slaps someone at her place of work in front of her colleagues. Her hand stings from the collision. Tears fill her waterline. "You don't know what it's like to have someone you're in love with die like that. It doesn't matter what I was doing, it's my business, not yours. You have no right to bring him up or tell me when it's okay to move on. I don't love you." She pushes past him and the building audience. Alex or Bailey will surely hear about this and punish her in some shape or form. Meredith doesn't care.

The people surrounding blur when tears encapsulate her. It's the next hand that grabs her arm to relinquish a scream from her throat. "WHAT?!"

Link releases his hold. He steps backward a couple feet to give her space, but doesn't leave. "I didn't mean to scare you, I just..."

Meredith shakes her head and lowers her chin when drops of moisture drip from under eye to cheek. "You didn't scare me. I didn't mean to yell at you either. I'm just having a bad day."

Link pulls her in for an embrace. Usually she would restraint herself from something of this nature but this time she melts into the hug. His hands slip up and down her spine. His chin lies at her crown. Link doesn't make a peep when she cries against his scrubs nor does he ask what her deal is. She doesn't feel for him romantically but his gesture reminds her of something Derek would give. He gives off 'big brother' sort of feelings. Making her think of Mark Sloan and the way she used to protect her. Meredith could use a brotherly figure now.

"I met Derek. I had no idea that he was married to you or that he was back. He's really nice. Ellis was with him and she was doing this adorable little dance that tells she really had to pee. I took him to meet Amelia, said they were working on something together."

She's too stirred to ask why Derek was here or wonder why he didn't tell her. "Thank you." Meredith croaks. Moving her face from the warm plane of his chest, she wipes the remainder of tears from her skin.

"No problem, I would love to get know him some more. I was really fascinated by him back when I was just an intern a long time ago. Anyways, I'll let you get to wherever it is you need to be. I just know hugs usually make me feel better in bad situations." He really is a sweet guy. It makes her angry at herself she chose DeLuca and stood Link up before Derek came. Maybe she wouldn't have fallen in love with him but at the least friends.

"I have to go find my idiot husband and first hug the crap out of him and then kick him in the shin for lying about coming to the hospital." A sad snort fills the space.

He doesn't prod on the issue and instead offers a gentle stroke to her arm. "Good luck." His pager buzzes, forcing him to leave the scene.

GA

It's in this instant Derek clearly remembers why Thomas Koracick makes his skin crawl. The man was nothing short of brilliant when it came to neuroscience and surgery, he could give him that. However, any other aspect of the man was complete garbage. At least in Derek's eyes. His behavior reminded him much of the way Mark used to behave. The consistent sleeping with any and every woman. The god complex.

But a faux smirk lies against his cheeks for Amelia's sake. He doesn't understand what she sees in this man but clearly his sister wants Tom on their team. Derek keeps his mouth shut, for now at least.

"Derek, what hell hole have you been in since I last saw you?" Tom preens something similar of a Cheshire Cat. Derek struggles to keep his eyes from rolling.

He watches Amelia nudge him, flash a face, and turn back to Derek's direction with a sweet smile. "Sorry, I mean it's good you're okay now."

"Amy I'm fine." Derek insists. He leans lowers to the chair behind him, eliciting a sigh of frustration. Enveloping his arms across his chest, he meets Tom's gaze. "London, England. The city not much of a hell hole but I'd like to consider the year I was conscious there tormenting. I lived in a tiny loft with no heat for a while and to make money in order to get back to America I worked in this shitty little convenient store stocking shelves."

He thinks a lot of his tumultuous time there. His only friend being Alice from the hospital. Derek consumed a lot of Ramen Noodles and nearly burned the only home he had down after starting a fire to keep warm one night. It wasn't just that his medical stance sucked but his memory being wiped was torturous. He was only ever graced by tidbits of information over a years span. Why did words like neuroblastoma easily come to him but the name of his own mother was absent?

"Fuck, I'm sorry man." Tom apologizes. Derek's taken back by the admission, not that he's seeking anyone's apology. He doesn't want sympathy for his time in London. When his memory flooded in like a crashing wave, Derek thought he deserved what happened to him. With the way he treated Meredith, kissing that lab tech, betraying his family, hurting Amelia, leaving his children behind.

Was it possible he was deserving of being incorrectly diagnosed? To be hit by a semi and lose enough motor function in his legs that being a surgeon was never an option again? Maybe he had been a terrible human being.

He fought with his subconscious constantly.

 _You deserve what happened to you._

 _Watch out, your second chance won't last long._

 _Meredith is going to leave you for her boyfriend._

Those ideas constricted him night and day. Derek was scared. Traumatized that one wrong move is going to either kill him for good or send him right back to solitude. "You don't have to apologize. It happened and I'm moving on." Derek insists. "Let's just talk about the tumor I don't want to talk about London right now."

"Der-" His sister worries.

"I'm fine." Initially his tone is stark and stone cold. His fist shakes but he unravels the digits from his palm. Derek couldn't snap now. Not when he was finally back to doing something he cared about. He wanted to save someone's life again.

"Well okay then." Tom turns his attention to the white board they rolled in from the skills lab twenty minutes ago. Already, Amelia and Tom have concocted their notions to the blank canvas. Most to all of their methods so far end in death or Catherine becoming a vegetable.

"I don't get it." He continues. "I'm good at what I do, no scratch that, I'm excellent."

"You know this is why I called you an ass at the conference, right?" Derek interrupts.

Tom grunts. "Quiet it down over there cripple I'm trying to speak."

Amelia can't help but laugh at his joke. Derek _does_ roll back his eyes this time but ceases to fuel Tom's fire. Something tells him that man relishes going off on anyone or anything. "Now, back to my brilliance. Usually I don't get stuck this way. I resected Amelia's tumor perfectly. I mean one minute she's a crazy lunatic and the next, poof! Completely normal. God I'm good I just, ugh what is it that I'm missing."

As Tom ponders his mistakes, Derek turns his head to Amelia, mouthing " _What the hell are we doing?"_

She shrugs, asking him to simply trust Tom and herself. Amelia wants Derek to be proud of her. Maybe she's too proud to admit it out loud but he's cognizant. For the entirety of their lives, Amelia has yearned to amount to Derek. To do something other than be the drugged out little sister stealing and _crashing_ his Mustang.

 _I'm not fragile. I'm a drug addict. I've fallen off the wagon twice and gotten back on._

 _That does not make you fragile Derek. It makes you very freaking strong._

He too wants to make her proud. Derek isn't seeking to be this arrogant tyrant anymore. He used to live life as though it were a competition. Derek's tired of competing. He's risen his white flag. The least he can do is prove to her he's changed. Support is now his mantra and it's what he desires to give to her and everyone surrounding him.

"Open her up." Derek says. Amelia and Tom quirk their orbs to him, confusion wandering their expressions. "I've had a similar situation to this before. It was a long time ago but the guy lived and I got it out. You don't really know of anything until your patient is lying there on the table, open in front of your eyes. Visualization is good. Besides, getting some of the tumor out is better than all the tumor, right?"

"Look at you being Mr. Glass Half Full today." His sister beams. She trails from her spot adjacent to the white board to his seat on the far left of their room. She wraps an arm around his shoulder, he lifts upward to placate a halfway hug.

"I'm trying something new." He chuckles.

Tom taps the Expo against the board. "I'm all for sibling bonding but to get back to our point, I think Derek might have a point. Shocking, I know, but he's onto something."

The noise of rubber shoe soles scratch at Derek's ear. His attention splits from Amelia, focusing in on his wife. Before his brain could panic that she had found him, his breath hitched. She stood, flushed, red rimmed eyes, sad irises. Her hair was down, golden waves contrasting to the navy scrubs.

Meredith rams for his seat. Without saying a word, she encircles her arms around his neck, tight, secure, safe. "Amelia, lets leave before this makes me anymore uncomfortable." Derek watches from over Meredith's clavicle Tom nodding and motioning with his thumb to escape. He's grateful, even if his commentary was sarcastic and rude, that he's alone with Meredith now.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She sinks to his lap. Her feet dangle, barely touching the ground now. His hands soothe up and down her spine, a gesture he's fully aware is one of her favorites.

Sniffling, she retorts, "I should be kicking your ass right now."

Derek wants to laugh but the noise rebukes itself from slipping into the dissonance. "Why are you always trying to kick my ass?"

"Because you're a stupid, idiot, dumb brain-man who lies to his wife about coming to the hospital on her first day back to work with Amelia. That's why I should be kicking your ass."

This time he does relinquish a chuckle. Meredith reciprocates with one herself, but the tears do not cease their decent. "It's not lying, I just never said anything."

She slaps his shoulder, he pretends her ineffectual fists could damage him, and puckers out his lower lip. "That's lying by omission. To be a neurosurgeon you're really freaking brainless."

Meredith presses her nose to the lining of his navy t-shirt. Her fingers are cold and he can feel the icy digits through the thin material of his tee when she cascades them under his leather jacket. But he doesn't flinch or force her to remove them. She snuffles and divulges random sounds of agitation to his shirt. Derek silently wipes tears from her cheek.

"I'm having a bad day." She finally concedes to his curiosity. "And Link told me you were here and I couldn't decide if that made me mad or grateful. So now I'm crying against your chest because I'm an emotional cesspit of hormones now that you're back. I cry all the time. I cried the other week watching a Zoloft commercial. But I'm glad you're here because I get to hug you. Thank you for not dying because visiting your grave is torture and I really don't want to do that anymore."

"If it makes you feel better," Derek starts. "I met Link this morning. That man is positively the most cheerful human being I've met. He reminds me of an Izzie clone but with a penis."

Meredith snorts. "He grows on you. He's like a fungus I guess? That was a crappy simile. He's the one who got me to calm down some after what happened with DeLuca." His wife's body tenses. Moments ago she was supple and lax in his hold and now her flesh was stone.

"I know DeLuca was your boyfriend." The cat is out of the bag. Tension multiplied. " **What did he do**?" The assertion was harsh.

Meredith adjusts herself from her spot on his lap. She inserts her fingers to the raven mane of his hair. "It's not a big deal."

"Clearly it's a big enough deal to make you cry. Link mentioned he was an ass so what did he do to you." Judging from Meredith's contortion, he can easily guess whatever it was he'd soon be paying for.

"It's _nothing_. We had an argument in the hallway okay? He came up behind me and asked why I was ignoring him. I told him, it was none of his business and he didn't like that answer. Look it wasn't even that part that got me upset it was when he..."

Derek stared. His gaze never left Meredith's. Fear cascaded over her now gray optics. His fist clenched the material of the chair they were seated in.

"He brought you up and it made me mad. He didn't even know what I had, _have_ , with you. He made comments that I should just get over you already. He made it sound like I was his property or some bone to his dog I don't know. I was uncomfortable. There was a big crowd and he wouldn't let me leave until I answered him. But I'm fine he doesn't matter-"

Derek pushes Meredith from his body. After weeks of rehabilitating in physical therapy, now was a better time than any to exercise his new found strength by bolting. His wife's body thumps to the cushion. "Derek..." She begins, reaching out to grab at his hand.

"I'll murder him." He asserts bluntly.

Without another tinge of commentary, Derek escapes the attending's lounge. Meredith calls out for him from behind. He starts with a power walk. "Where are you going?" She hisses from behind.

"I told you I will murder that arrogant cock if that's what it takes! No one makes my wife cry."

"You don't even know what he looks like!" Meredith shouts. Derek halts to a pause. Shit, she was right. Derek only knew of his name, nothing more.

A lightbulb goes off. Derek reaches for a blonde, stumpier girl, in periwinkle scrubs. She's ogling at Meredith which somewhat makes him uncomfortable but he pushes the feeling away. "Excuse me, Dr..."

"Helm. Dr. Helm. Can I help you with something?"

"Do you know where Dr. DeLuca is? I need to see him immediately." The intern seems stumped momentarily. Wondering whether or not it's appropriate to address a complete stranger of a physicians whereabouts.

However, Dr. Helm nods. "Yeah, someone told me he was going to the intern locker room to shower after some patients guts exploded on him in the OR I think."

' _Serves him right'_ Derek's conscious sneers. "Thank you."

He's running. Granted, his legs are burning and if anything he's aching to stop just so he can catch his breath. It's been... a while since he sprinted. Memories of the morning before his crash come to mind. Running in circles to save those innocent people from death.

That had been the last time.

Meredith chases after him. Her converse squeak against the tiles. Witnesses gape at the scene unfolding around them. Derek doesn't care. Not when his wife's happiness was at stake.

The steel doors of a familiar elevator are his saving grace. Derek breathes a sigh of joy as his fingers touch the button to pry the doors open. Luckily, no one else is in the confined box. He presses the number four and close.

Except a hand derails his perfect plan to destroy this adolescent prick.

 _Shit._

Meredith's face appears from between elevator doors. She seems less than amused by his antics. "Are you nuts? You could have killed yourself or caused even more damage to your legs! You hate your cane Derek, do you really want to keep that as a permanent accessory or even a wheelchair for Christ's sake? You can't over exert it because you're jealous of a boyfriend I had when you were supposed to be dead."

Meredith's verbiage pierces at his heart. "I'm _not_ jealous, I'm protecting you!" The doors enclose behind his wife and they remain solemn in the cabin.

"Pft, sure you aren't jealous. You never are! You weren't jealous of Finn either and yet you nearly threw a tantrum when I walked down those stairs in his shirt."

Derek pants for air, gripping the metal bar behind him to keep him upright. "That was different! You knew I was in love with you."

She scoffs at the retaliation. "It is not the same! You chose Addison. I didn't choose DeLuca, I chose you."

"Oh so what he was an option? You would have chosen him over your own husband, huh?" The color drains from Meredith's expression.

She steps forward, crossing her arms along her breasts. A sniffle comes about. "You're just as arrogant as he is. Look at you, acting like I'm some kind of prize. Just like you did with Finn... you, have no idea what you're talking about. You don't want to protect me. All you want is to claim me like every other man in this hospital does. If you were my husband you'd understand what I had with him was nothing compared to what I have with you."

"I flew five thousand miles to get to you. I spent a year searching for you. I was in a medically induced coma for two. I-I figured out your name after months and months _and_ months of struggling to recapture memories. Finally I remember the name Meredith Grey. I research you and the moment I'm set to travel to Seattle with no recollection or a single idea of who I really am at all, only a shriveled picture of us in bed, a woman named Alice tells me she's in love with me. A woman at the time, _I knew_ , far more than you. Except I chose **you** and I didn't even know you. I could have stayed in London with her but I didn't. I got on a freaking plane to be with you. And thank god I did because on that plane ride when I knew nothing, everything came back. So yeah, maybe I chose wrong a decade ago but I vowed I'd never make that same mistake. So maybe I have a right to get upset some whiny, cock-wad hurt your feelings. I just want to be with _you,_ Mer. That's what I've wanted forever."

Time stands still. His wife adjacent to his frame. Tears clog his ducts. Silence strangles him. "Another woman loved you?"

A gnarly sound brims the elevator. It contracts and shakes them. The lights power off.

"Shit." Meredith whispers to herself. She turns to the doors and begins to fiddle with the buttons. None will light or create sound.

"What's happening?" Derek questioned.

With a loudening sigh, his wife turns to meet his gaze. "We're stuck."

* * *

 **This chapter is a doozy I know. I spent a couple days working on this, I meant to post it last night but I ended up going out. Good thing I didn't though, I ended up going a completely different direction than what I planned.**

 **Also, this is the longest chapter I've written. 8000 words! Phew that's a lot of Meredith and Derek. I think I needed it though, after Thursday's episode and what came about it, I've been upset since. I'm putting it out there that I don't like DeLuca or care for him in the slightest. I find him really immature and he treats Meredith like she's an object not a person. He's only in it for the chase and acting as if she's his property which is gross.**

 **So to put a lot of your minds at ease, I'll go ahead and assure you Meredith won't ever be with him in this universe. I find it HIGHLY unlikely she would go to DeLuca rather than Derek if this situation ever occurred.**

 **I'm slowly but surely adding in these season 15 plot lines. We got Derek, Amelia, and Tom interactions. I knew immediately when Grey's mentioned Tom knew Derek I had to use it. Also LINK! How do we feel about him? Personally I like him a lot. I think he's a good person plus I totally know he'd be a Derek Shepherd cheerleader or whatever.**

 **If you didn't catch on, MerDer is stuck in the elevator not Meredith and DeLuca this time thank god. I tried incorporating more details of Derek's stay in London. Much of that plot line will develop later on and I can assure, this will not be the last you hear of Alice.**

 **I felt like I needed to have this story of Derek searching for Meredith in here too. Finding this mystery girl with the blonde hair was his thing, the only thing that kept him sane. Bits and pieces of random memories came to him but the whole thing wasn't until after he made his choice.**

 **Also, anything medical is from google or something my brain thought sounded legitimate. I'm no doctor!**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the cliff hanger! I'm already working on the next chapter. Can't wait to bring in more characters and give everyone the MerDer they deserve.**

 **Please leave a review they always are helpful! I love feedback and I'm assuming after this there will be lots. Thanks again for the support, hope you're having a lovely Sunday.**


	8. Stuck Like Glue

**Welcome to another chapter! I want to jump right in but before I get I'd love to thank those who reviewed last chapter; Patsy, Leann Nickerson, doubletwoa, DerekMcDreamyShepherd, Lianna, Lina, mandyg67, dempsxys, 098, jalinsod, Sandra, paola1991, Hitam1, Lauren, writer-in-newyork, gracenstehr, all the guests, those who leave reviews on Instagram and my other outlets for this story you are all appreciated as well.**

 **Remember if you ever have a question of a suggestion feel free to PM me, I'd be glad to talk. Enjoy this chapter, it's MerDer heavy. Also, this is a somewhat remake of 15x09 so if you remember DeLuca talked to Meredith in Italian... you'll see how this changes.**

* * *

The emergency lights flickered. There was usually a hum. A faint buzz of noise to indicate the elevator was running. Silence strangled the air surrounding Meredith and Derek.

 _Crap._

She faces the steel doors. A distorted reflection stares back at her. The faint imagery of Derek standing behind her. Confined to an elevator with a man she desperately desired to strip herself from right now was not ideal. Normally after a blow-up between the lovers, Meredith ran. Disappearing was her speciality. That or she hissed he leave.

 _Fine, go!_

 _Oh I'm going_

Neither speak. Soft sounds of breathing brimmed the space. Her heart physically knots internally. Derek's revelation was akin to a scalpel lodged through her chest cavity. Why had that been so disheartening to hear? She slept with a handful of men in his absence. Was it the notion of he being with another woman carnally or was it another woman possessing feelings of love for him that made her want to claw her eyes out?

Maybe both, she doesn't know.

He never explicitly addressed anything happening between he and the alleged "Alice" during his stay in the United Kingdom. Except that did nothing for the gaping wound in her heart. Flashbacks to when Addison popped in permeated her brain. She and Derek were happy. Casually dating. He was taking her for steaks and wine. Derek asserted there would be talking later in their evening but she dismissed the topic.

Then his _wife_ showed up. The first relationship Meredith Grey felt as though she could fall in love was crumpled by a luxurious female in Prada. Her stomach sank simply thinking of that situation occurring again.

Meredith and Derek were living in a fantasy bubble the last month. Languorous naps at noon. Standing behind her husband with her arms accentuated around his waist in the midst of dinner preparation. Derek's signature 'Mmm' when lying in bed with her, glancing over a patients chart. His glasses always too low at the bridge of crooked nose. The same rumpled pair of striped pajama pants scrunched up his calve. Meredith's cold toes atop his foot. The stolen kisses and whispered affection to one another.

It was a safety zone. For a month she placated herself into a situation where outside forces were nonexistent. Her mind never factored angry boyfriends and mysterious British women into the mix.

It's Derek's voice that draws her from her inner demons. "What do you mean we're stuck?" His tone is firm. Anger seeps through the cracks. But a warbling bout of fear laces intricately as well.

She's prepared to lay it on him. Fluctuate her hands in the air, point fingers, possibly stomp her foot and dramatically turn from his burning gaze. Except his facade halts her decision. Twirling, her hair falls at the base of her shoulders and strings down her back. The illumination of the emergency lighting shines over Derek. His skin is pasty. Dark circles hug his under eyes. Meredith darts her watchful gander to his fingers clutched at the metal bar behind his spine.

"Stuck, Derek. The elevator isn't working because the power is out. We are trapped." The divulgence is firm but not harsh. Meredith's a surgeon but also a caretaker. She's familiar with patients _tells._ The things that give off whether they're jovial or upset. She's cognizant of those who are anxiety ridden or suffer from mental illnesses that make the prospect of surgery agonizing. Her best friends ex-husband suffers from PTSD for crying out loud.

Meredith Grey knows the tells.

Derek was never claustrophobic before. Tight spaces were never an evil lingering in the background. The two of them have been confined to a much tinier vicinity than this. The shower comes to mind and she despises that her brain conjures porny images in a situation like this. Especially because it's possible Derek Shepherd may go full panic attack mode and that her chest is still tight with hurt from his recent revelation.

With any patient similar to this, she would reassure them. Speak that whatever it is they are worried upon, everything will be alright in the end. "Derek." Meredith starts. She moves toward him, keeping a respectable distance between their bodies. She stretches her arms. Meredith's palms meet his shoulders. Her thumbs stroke against the dark leather of his jacket. "Look at me."

"No." A croak erupts. "I-I can't. I have to get out of here. I can't be here!" Meredith is pushed from his body. Derek brushes past her, eagerly making a dash for the steel elevator doors. His fingers find the crevice. He does all that he can to by some account pry the doors open and free them from their captive holding.

If this weren't PTSD Derek struggling to free himself, she might slap his clavicle and insist an idea like this is idiotic. Her brain knew the only thing they could possibly do is wait for the power to come back. Instead she lets Derek ride it out.

"Der, stop." Her fingers curl around his upper arm. "We can't leave until the power comes back on. There's a big storm outside. This is just a tinier space. No different than being in the hall or our bedroom. You and I are going to be just fine." She squeezes, doing all that she can to keep him calm.

Derek only struggles further at the assertion. His fingers are white from the pinching. Her eardrums physically pick up the grinding of his own teeth. "It's not about the space being small. We're trapped. No getting out. I can't be trapped! Not again!"

Meredith freezes on the spot. This doesn't stem from a fear of confined areas. Derek's not claustrophobic. He's terrified of the no escape. How could she not have pieced this together? Shamefully, a part of her almost forgot Derek's PTSD crisis after he mentioned it to her. There'd been no reason to worry about it because no part of Derek was confined at the house. Who wouldn't undergo this type of suffering after the crisis he's been through?

Now she feels like an ass for yelling at him and calling him an arrogant, _even if he could be at times_.

Meredith needed to concoct a plan to ease his mind away from this dilemma and onto something different. She almost rather he be yelling at her for her shitty boyfriend DeLuca than undergoing this.

 _What the hell is she going to do?_

GA

Derek can't breathe. Physically, it feels as though his airways are closed off. Oxygen doesn't replete unless he heaves. Beads of sweat trickle below the unruly curls near the base of his neck. His heart thumps erratically. Meredith continuously touching him doesn't help matters. Not when he's riding a panic attack.

"Fuck!" He screams, the bravado shaking his frame. He's pissed. Furious that this elevator halts on his way to kick DeLuca's ass. Upset that his wife even compared him to that grimy crap. He despises that his own mind betrays him in situations like these. Derek _knows_ someone will come get them or the power will come back on. But that doesn't demolish his fear. Usually his PTSD episodes occur through dreams. Nightmares of being confined to a body bag. Each one is the same; Derek struggling to get out. It doesn't matter how many times he shouts or wiggles his limbs, no one rescues him. Just before the lack of air kills him off, he always wakes.

Sometimes he's being buried alive but normally, the body bag nightmare occurs most often. He didn't think the PTSD was so corrupt that something such as this could overpower him.

Meredith seems petrified. She's too stubborn to verbally admit it but he can tell. Who wouldn't be terrified by their lunatic, PTSD husband enduring a meltdown? "Derek!" This time her voice loud and concise. "You have to pull yourself together. I get it, you're freaking out. I can't say I know what you're going through and it must suck like hell but you have to stop. At least for right now."

She presses her soothing palms to his cheeks. "Look at me and I mean it this time. Just breathe. Think about something that makes you feel safe. What makes you safe Derek?" Meredith asks. Oddly, the serenity of her gray irises soothe him. His fingers curl around her tiny wrists but not restraining. Her small thumb strums across his cheek.

Derek sniffles. His hands squeeze her wrists. They lock eyes for an intense moment. Her lip quirks, the smallest of dimples forming at her right cheek. "You." He chokes. "You make me safe." With the flick of a switch, Derek's arms encircle Meredith's body. These tendencies are ran by an on/off mechanism. Something over comes him and all he sees is red until he doesn't any longer. Derek's possessed by the possibility of dying alive and his wife is the angel to tear him from the terror.

Meredith doesn't reciprocate the embrace at first. He doesn't believe it's because she isn't interested in holding him back but that possibly she's shocked he was willing to give into her so easily. Like molasses, eventually her arms do encase him. Meredith's palms and fingers push at his upper back.

"Nothing is going to hurt you." She whispers. Her right hand strokes his neck. The frigid feeling of her fingertips to his burning flesh is a cool contrast. "We are going to be fine. You're safe now."

Derek takes the convulsion in stride. Meredith Grey is the one person out of everyone else in this universe he trusts whole heartedly. She just like anyone else has screwed up on the trust spectrum, himself included. But even after shit such as their Alzheimer's trial, they rehabilitated that trust. When Meredith Grey tells him that he is going to be alright, he believes her. She meant it after he'd been shot and after the plane crash right?

"Let's sit? Is that okay?" Derek nods. Their hug slowly untwines. Meredith does reach for his hand and he gracefully accepts the offer. He groans when they slip down to the floor. Igniting a personal marathon in the corridors of Grey-Sloan was a stupid decision on his part. Now he's royally screwed his knees and calves.

Meredith reaches across, slipping her fingers into his shorter tendrils. His head finds a home at her shoulder. They sit in peaceful silence for minutes that feel like hours. After an argument between the two of them, rarely was there an apology or an I'm sorry to come of it. Either something similar to this happens to distract from the problem or maybe he whispers something dreamy to his wife's ear. They kiss, hug, and have make-up sex. Then it's over. They never discuss it again.

He desires to work on that with her. "I have a fear of being trapped." He starts. "I think something happened to me when I woke up alone with no clue of who I was. I thought coming home and remembering would change things for me. That the nightmares and this torture would end but it didn't. I have these dreams. Dreams where I'm trapped in a body-bag, begging to be let out. I think about the 'what ifs' all the time. What if someone never found that I was breathing? What if I was buried alive? What if I never got the opportunity to be with you again because ignorant surgeons at a low grade medical center deemed it correct I was brain dead?"

Over the years Derek listened to much of Meredith's dark and twisty. He waited patiently through the fears of commitment and abandonment phobia's. She too suffered her own personal demons. Maybe those didn't include panic attacks or constricting nightmares but she was cognizant how fear could overtake someone. He's optimism that she'll be patient with him now as he'd done for her in the past.

"Do you want help?" She asks, interrupting the silence. Derek never thought of it. When he thought about psychiatrists he thought of people who were mentally unstable. He didn't see himself in that way.

"Are you suggesting I should get some?"

She sighs. Her head nuzzles over top of his. Meredith reaches between their bodies to find their folded hands. Her free digits eclipse the mountain of fingers. "I don't think help is a bad thing. I used to think therapy was stupid and did nothing but make people weak. Except I drowned and I couldn't be with the man my heart really wanted. I got help, it did something for me. If I hadn't, there's a real possibility this between us would cease to exist right now."

Derek's throat constricts. He remembers the way his heart sank to his stomach when the quiet girl pointed to Elliot Bay, indicating Meredith's location. It was a constant battle deciding which scorned him worse; that she fell into an icy oasis or that she could swim but didn't pull herself to shore. It's a depression he fought for months. She had not been in solitude after that fiasco. Derek didn't know how to be part of a relationship either when fear consumed him every moment of everyday. The sleepless evenings, watching her chest steadily rise and fall was daunting.

Albeit, the therapy had worked for Meredith and in some twisted events it assisted him too. She got better. So good that they married and now have three gorgeous children.

It was a bruise to his ego. For much of his life Derek placated a perfect facade over a broken soul. When life threatened to smack him to bits he refused to let it show through. His flaw was other people's judgment on himself. Anyone else's opinion ranked higher than his own. Maybe it wasn't a trait to be proud of but his own subconscious wouldn't relent. What would people say about he attending therapy? Sure, he could keep to himself but Grey-Sloan was the trope for gossip. Nothing was private in this hospital.

Except everything aside, Derek was seeking to be better. Not just for his own well being but for Meredith. Even if an inch of him remained angry she could compare him to another man he didn't even know, nothing could dislodge him from her. If this was going to be their do-over, it was only fair he try.

"Owen went to therapy too. It seemed to work for him and he has PTSD." She adds. The tips of her nails continue their voyage from his scalp to ear. They form crescent moon scratches within the mane of curls. Derek adjusts his head so that his nose lies against her neck. His frame relaxes at the soothing scent of lavender from her conditioner.

"If I go." His voice soft. "You can't say anything. It's a secret between you and I. No telling Alex or writing to Cristina through an email. Not even Amelia. Just you and I."

A lot of their relationship prior was shared with much of the hospital and their personal friends. Never could anything be for himself and Meredith. Not even at night when all he desired to do was spoon his wife to bed, somehow Cristina Yang popped in. With Meredith's person residing in Zürich, this provided a different perspective on the notion of their partnership. Desperately, Derek desired to finally be so in sync with Meredith that _he_ could be her best friend. She was his whether Meredith knew that or she didn't. Derek had Mark but _Meredith_ was always his own person in the truest form.

She nods. He feels a squeeze against his palm. "Okay. I'll even go with you if that's what you need." Derek doesn't think Meredith attending the sessions would be necessary. But he doesn't speak on the topic. Instead his eyes flutter to a close as her lips brush his forehead, directly over the motorcycle indent.

"So we wait?" Derek piques in reference to the elevator.

"We wait."

And together they wait out the storm.

GA

Atticus Lincoln was bouncing. Okay, not _physically_ bouncing but he was internally. Since moving to Seattle, his life has been a rollercoaster. Being stood up by Meredith Grey at an Italian restaurant was one of the lower points. Reacquainting with Brooke, apparently now Jo, had been rewarding though.

Meeting the infamous Derek Shepherd was the high point of his ride and he wasn't completely sure if he would ever come down from the high either. Derek was the type of surgical legend any aspiring physician sought out as a role model. The man had around seven years on him. When Link primitively began his internship, Derek was making headlines across the country. Weirdly, a goal of Link's was to conduct a real conversation in person.

He lectured at Columbia once. Before questions could fly his pager sounded off and the speech was dismissed ahead of schedule. Medical school and residency punctured his eternal plans to fly to Seattle and meet the guy. He was fascinated by the brain mapping initiative assisted by Dr. Callie Torres, a fellow orthopedic surgeon. But before Link was able to meet him his _death_ stole every headline across the nation.

It was a feral situation to wrap his brain around this idea that the claims were false. Somewhere in the world Derek Shepherd was alive. And he was married to another critically acclaimed legend.

What a time to be alive and working in the same realm with such a slew of renowned surgeons? Link felt like floating. After bringing Derek to Amelia's location, paging four interns and barking at a nurse, it was **his** duty to find little Ellis a restroom. Derek didn't specify if she was heading off to daycare or maybe he had but Link's brain was swirling with excitement.

Ellis Shepherd was an exact replica of Meredith Grey but with Derek's eyes. She held her mothers spunky attitude as well, a quality Link took note of in the time he's spent with her.

With his hands folded, rocking between his toes and heels, he waited patiently outside the stall. The tiniest pair of legs dangled from beneath the door. An incoherent mixture of words inhibiting from Ellis' cherubic voice. He waited out the tiny trickling sound.

 _Floosh!_ Sounded off the porcelain thrown. Ellis giggled to herself, unlocking the stall stealthily. "All done?" Link asks with a wide spread grin.

She nods eagerly. He lifts her from the tiles to reach the sink. Her stubby fingers reach forward beneath the faucet. An array of antiseptic soap bubbles in the basin. "Done!" Ellis pipes with toothy smirk.

The earlier page he received was pushed back to a later time due to a lack of free OR's. Not that he minded. It was a routine bone fracture. Normally he dealt with simpler procedures like that daily.

As the tiniest Shepherd finished the routine of rinse and dry, she padded adjacent to Link's leg, small fingers clutched to his palm. Flickering lights grappled his attention. Corridors packed with frantic doctors, nurses, lab technicians. They were the equivalent to chickens with their heads chopped off. It's when his neck twisted to a transparent window that he understood what the commotion was about.

An erotic wind storm hustled outside the walls of Grey-Sloan Memorial. Rain sleeted in consistent sheets. Miscellaneous objects flew, clanking to concrete. "I don't like the rain." Ellis whispered, scratching her tiny nails to his flesh. Fear overtook her large irises. Many of the children he visited in the cancer ward shared the storm phobia. He himself carried the fear as a child himself.

"It's just rain, Ellis. It won't hurt you." Link insists, doing his best to offer her solace. She rejects his assertion immediately. The child only begins to whimper.

"No, there's tunder' and scary light! I want my mama and daddy!" The high pitched bravado pinched his heart. It was terrifying for himself when he'd been a kid back in Philadelphia. Especially, a child with cancer, lying alone in a sterile hospital room. His parents bickered and fought much of the time he was there. It lead to their split. He could relate to Ellis in the sense of knowing what it was like to grow up without both parents there at all times. At least she was granted an opportunity to turn her story around.

Link never received such a pleasure. "Okay, I just saw your mom. Let's see if I can get someone to grab her for us?"

Ellis was reluctant but followed his lead. With her thumb puncturing between her lips she trails next to him. Every colleague he encounters either is clueless to Derek and Meredith's whereabouts or simply no response. He gets it, super storm brewing outside, loads of trauma! Except the possibility of a hysterical little girl creating a scene in the lobby seemed unideal.

When a frantic nurse finally parked long enough to adequately retrieve Link's burning question, she answers, "I saw them both running to the elevator." There's not enough time to address which elevator or what floor it's on. But the information is enough to guide him somewhere. How difficult could it be to locate them, right?

"They're just going for a ride on the elevator. No big deal." Except the minor issue fluctuates to a gigantic dilemma the second all power ceases to exert. Every square inch of the hospital is coated by a thick blanket of darkness. Link is desiring to panic. Because not only is the power shot but there's a likely chance Ellis' parents are stuck on a powerless elevator at this very moment.

"Shit." He mumbles, unamused by the rotten turn of events. If that wasn't enough for karma, Ellis starts to sob.

 _Great._

GA

Meredith's bladder was brimmed. She guzzled down an entire lemonade during her break a half hour ago. She slurped it so rapid it nearly gave her shell shock. Anxiety did that to a person. She was mentally cursing her nervous brain because now she couldn't exculpate the liquid from the other end. She was stuck. In an elevator. With a panicky PTSD husband who apparently had women falling for him in foreign countries!

So not much has changed in the last ten years or so. Pacing was her current mantra. A tedious circle, _back and forth, back and forth, back and forth._ She was nauseating herself. Either way, if she kept the motion up, her frozen Minute Maid would be exiting one end of her body somehow or another.

"You're going to ware a hole." Derek musters in the background. Abruptly, her journey from left to right stops. The dissonance in his eyes has lessened. He doesn't appear so wound he can barely function. At least she's done something right today. She got her husband to reel from a panic attack in a trapped elevator. That should be rewarded by like, a million brownie points, correct?

God Meredith wanted a brownie. Her stomach gargled in response to Derek's question. She was too nervous that morning to permeate her belly with breakfast. Then lunch slipped past her. She meant to grab a bag of Lays from the vending machine or a bag of _processed fat_ as Derek calls it. But that thought popped in her mind before she managed to get stuck in a confined box.

"I'm trying to distract myself." Meredith finally says. "If I don't stop pacing then I'll think about peeing. I'm assuming you don't want me to pee in here."

He chuckles. "Urine in the elevator would be bad, yes."

Meredith's toes crinkle. The mention of pee or urine only increases her the chances that she really might. She presses her thighs together to keep from an unwanted accident. "Do not talk about the P word or I really might." Her teeth grit.

"You're the one that brought it up."

"You asked why I was pacing!"

Derek shrugs as if to say, "Oh, yeah forgot about that" but he verbally asserts nothing. "Plus, I pace when I'm nervous. And if I don't pace, then I ramble and I'm sure me rambling to you is the last thing you want right now."

"Oddly enough the jumbled mixture of words soothe me. Just like your snoring, it's a particular taste I've acquired." He plasters the first smirk she's seen from him since entering this death trap.

She wishes to expel that the top thing on her mind right now is his subsequent blabber about Alice. If this were a regular situation between the two, her top would have popped off long ago. They would be knee deep in a hissing argument. Meredith questioning why he didn't simply leave her and he screaming that the post-it is what binds their marriage. She hates that for much of their fights, the post-it note was much of the reason neither left. Shouldn't marriage be bonded by two people not solely from vows but because they admire one another too?

"You don't want to hear what I'm rambling about." Her tone somewhat distant. Her brain was on an eternal roller coaster right now.

Meredith faces the entrance of their trapped elevator. Shuffling was heard from behind. A gasp nearly dropped when his hand curled stiff around the bone of her shoulder blade. "If you want to ramble about Alice, then go ahead."

Was it her given right to be jealous of this woman? Or was her rights as a wife to be burned washed away because of his amnesia and the PTSD? "Did you love her back?"

"What?"

She spins on the balls of her feet. Hair swirls and drapes at her navy scrubs. "Just go ahead and tell me. I can take it. I watched you die or whatever. If I can do that then you telling me you're in love with another woman won't be such a blow. I _can_ take it."

Derek's eyes gloss. His beautiful ocean orbs entrance her. For many years they've kept her safe, consoled her, relished her. His irises have witnessed things and events she'll never fully be cognizant of. His time in England is still much of a mystery. Judging by the colorless hue striking Derek every time he mentions it, the experience was painful. She understood his pain regarding DeLuca. Just thinking about Derek caressing another woman who wasn't herself made her insides turn.

"I don't know." He whispers. Meredith wants to collapse to a puddle. Her heart begged he lie to spare her feelings. Things were finally regrouping to normalcy and now he drops a big fat 'I don't know' bomb on her.

"You had feelings for her? What did you kiss her? Did you make love to her? Did you say it back?!" The tables have turned. She's the one hyperventilating even after promising to keep the composure.

"Meredith, please stop." Derek obstructs. "You panicking is only going to make me panic. Just listen to me."

"You said you loved her!" She screams.

His palms grab at her face. The grip is firm. "I said I didn't know! I didn't know when I had amnesia. I didn't know if I felt that for her but it didn't matter because something in my heart told me you were the one. That freaking blonde girl in the picture is made me reject her. When my memory came back on the plane ride home, everything I felt for you rushed back. It didn't matter if I was confused or not because no woman will ever compare to you." Derek loosens his hold on her cheeks. The softer skin of his thumbs dissolve her tears.

"Right now, in this moment, I don't love her. We kissed yeah and I admit it we had drunk sex in my shit hole loft once but that was long before she ever came clean to me. But you need to realize that I will never love another woman, kiss another woman, or make love to another woman the way I do with you. You're it Meredith. I meant that the second I signed the post-it. So for better and for worse, we stick together. I didn't tell you this to hurt you. I told you because this is our second chance. We don't keep secrets from each other, not anymore."

Meredith's eyes are heavy with tears. She's confused and unclear of how to respond. But what she does know is that his heartfelt words make time stand still. "I don't love DeLuca. I never loved him. I had a lot of sex with him and I had sex with other men too but I did not feel for them the way I do you. No one I found ever compared." She wanted to clear the air. If he could do that for her the least she could do was expose the relationship she had with DeLuca.

It wasn't right to have kept something so monumental from him. Before now she allotted herself the excuse of "He never asked" yet Meredith was still fibbing by omission. A force brought Derek back to her. She didn't believe in God or maybe not the kind people in churches do. But there was _something_ up there that desired she and Derek be together. Meredith didn't consider herself a lucky person and now her husband was back in her arms. She wasn't willing to let her bout with good karma go to waste because of a petty argument and some skeletons in her closet.

Meredith's back is poised to the corner. Derek's gaze is soulful. Anger is nowhere to be found within his periwinkle eyes. Only love.

" _Tu es la seule femme que je vais aimer. Je ne voulais pas être si énervé par le petit ami." (You are the only woman I will ever love. I'm sorry about how acted with the boyfriend)_ The words spill from Derek's lips like melted butter.

Her jaw is nearly to the ground. "Is that _French_?"

" _Oui. Je suis allé à l'école maternelle française." (Yes. I went to French preschool.)_ a delightful smirk decorates his dimples.

"Hmm." She purrs. It's doubtful Derek knows she's completely coherent with phrasing. Having learned French herself in undergraduate school.

Derek's fingers snake to her jaw. His hands halo her facial structure. Their noses are proximal. The air surrounding is stiff and hot. Somehow revelations of ex lovers was arousing. Especially so once he admitted she was it for him.

A loose curl floats over his forehead. " _Vos yeux sont si verts en ce moment. Ils sont mousseux. Je veux t'embrasser maintenant. Je veux vous montrer que vous êtes l'amour de ma vie." (Your eyes are so green right now. They are sparkling. I want to kiss you right now. I want to show you that you're the love of my life.)_

" _Alors fais le. Embrasse moi." (Then do it. Kiss me.)_

Derek flutters his eyelids. He seems dumbfounded that she can understand him and better yet respond. "I didn't know Meredith Grey could speak French." His words delicate.

" _J'ai minored dedans. Italien aussi." (I minored in it. Italian too.)_ She maneuvers her fingers to his neck. They're close in distance. Meredith really does want his lips on hers.

" _Je vois une femme de plusieurs langues."_ Derek husks. " _Je vais t'embrasser et continuer à t'embrasser jusqu'à la fin des temps." (A woman of many languages I see. I will kiss you and keep kissing you until the end of time.)_

There lips nearly collide. Tinges of flesh brushing against each other. It's the doors squealing apart that split their attention. Meredith yanks herself from Derek's grip, her forehead and cheeks raging with fever.

"I see we got you two out just before you decided to jump each other. I swear this hospital is just brimmed by horny fools in elevators." Dr. Bailey waits on the opposite end. Freedom from the small captivity was the only thing pondering Meredith's mind.

Carefully stepping over the edge, Derek follows. His hand slips in hers. Primitively the action doesn't register but soon she squeezes the united hold. "We weren't having sex." Derek admits.

"Mhmm, not _yet._ You'd think after this long you two would be over the porny fireworks. You're still little jackrabbits and it's just nasty." Bailey scolds. Meredith withholds a giggle.

"Miranda," he sighs. "I haven't made love to my wife in three years. So if I want to get sexy in an elevator, by all means I will. So if you excuse us, I'm taking my wife home."

They escape the scene. Bailey mumbles something sinful beneath her breath but the correlation doesn't quite register with Meredith's brain. Her head is a cloud of cotton right now. "I can't believe you just talked to Dr. Bailey about our sex life." She gapes.

Derek snorts. "We don't have one at the moment anyways. Plus, it doesn't matter if we were screwing like teenagers at the prom, it's perfectly healthy to be physically active with someone you love. She has sex, everyone in this hospital does. Why is it a big deal if we do?"

"Do you want a sex life?" She asks and migrates her hand from his palm to waist. His arm mimics her gesture, circling her shoulders snug.

"I do miss you." They stop momentarily. "I miss us. That physical part."

She squeezes his waist. "Should we plan it then? You know maybe set out a night where we go to dinner or maybe a movie. Kids are hanging with uncle Alex for the night. We can re-christen the couch or maybe the kitchen table." Blood rushes to her abdomen. Her sexuality tingles with awareness.

Derek's head shakes. Sweeping fingers through his tussled hair, he chuckles. "Maybe I'll make us dinner instead. Make it a little more _intimate_ if that's okay with you."

She leans to her toes. Her mouth kissing his stubble. "It's a date." Meredith announces quietly. Her breath strokes his skin.

"A date." He coos.

"Are we still attacking exes now?" Meredith addresses. They talked, sort of, and honestly she isn't sure if she can handle keeping Derek from ripping DeLuca's testicles off. Not tonight anyhow.

A sigh exudes. "Not tonight. I have to warm up." He jokes. "I don't think I'm going to hurt the guy but I would like to at least tell him to back off."

"Maybe I can have that arranged." She says, her voice soft.

"There you guys are!" Link is seen carrying a sleeping Ellis or near slumbering one anyways in his left arm. With her head perched at his shoulder and eyes closed. "The power finally came back. I heard you were stuck in the elevator."

Derek nods. "Yeah, but it was okay. I had Meredith. We took care of each other and things turned out fine." His hand strokes her arm.

Meredith is crimson at the admission. She relishes that they can be life boats for each other. A little slice of heaven when hell is flaming around them.

Link seems dubious. "Take care?"

"Long story." Meredith finally speaks. "But we're good. It's been a long day. Thanks for looking after Ellis by the way." She glances to her daughter.

"I didn't mind. She's a sweetheart."

Derek untangles from Meredith. He reaches forward to extricate Ellis from Link's arms. Meredith watches their little girl settle peacefully. "You should come over one night. Come see the kids. Have dinner. They really like you." She smiles.

With his hands on his hips, a grin eclipses. "I would love that. I can cook! I make a mean lasagna."

"We'll set a date then. I'll let you know."

"Damnit I'm being paged." Link snarls at the repetitive ding. "I'll talk to you guys later! Hope to see you around here more Derek." With a toothy grin he's gone at the speed of light.

His absence leaves Meredith, Derek, and Ellis wrapped into one another. "Car, home, dinner, bedtime stories with the kids?"

"Yes, yes, yes, and yes." Meredith retorts. She curls her arms around Derek's. Her cheeks nuzzles into his leather jacket. "Take me home, Derek."

They exit the hospital with lazy grins and optimism for the future ahead.

* * *

 **So, what did you guys think? I added the small POV from Link because I thought it might be cute. You'll be seeing more of his relationship with the Grey-Shepherd's soon enough.**

 **Next chapter is going to start the Shepherd family arch I'm so excited. I'll probably have a few POV's from Carolyn.**

 **I don't have much to say in this authors note other than any reviews you guys give are great and I love the feedback. Thank you for reading and enjoying this story. More to come soon.**


	9. So Good

**Hey everyone, welcome to another installment of our little MerDer story. I wanted to say thank you for the reviews! Also we are almost at 150 and we surpassed 10,000 views which is crazy! You guys are amazing and the support means so much.**

 **Before we begin I want to mention that there is like a very,** _ **very**_ **minimal mature scene down below. It's barely anything, nothing like next chapter will contain. But I felt it was important to mention in case anyone didn't feel comfortable reading it but again very small.**

 **I want to thank the following reviewers of last chapter as well; MerDer2015, TeamMerDer4ever, izgreysfan, Wiizz, , Your fan, dempsxys, Lina, Leann Nickerson, 098, Patsy, French, meredithgreys, whateverwriter, and all the reviewers from my other outlets and instagram! Thank you guys without you this story would never be completed.**

 **Now onto the chapter.**

* * *

Derek's brain throbbed. If he were to jam a single more thought into his hippocampus it may just implode right then and there. There was a ridiculous amount of events happening all at once and it made him stir crazy. How was he expected to plan a five year olds avengers themed birthday party when there was fifty million other things captivating his attention? God he was exhausted and the planning had only begun a half hour before.

He skipped his nap at noon. The day's cluster of events got the better of him and a snooze midday felt irresponsible. His exhaustion crept in the shadows. Derek did all that he could to fight it's wrath and for the most part his battle was successful. Up until now when he thought he may topple over. He didn't sleep well the previous night either. Another nightmare stroked his mind. Except this time his death wasn't plunged by body bags or a coffin. It was an elevator. He was trapped by an elevator that no one ever found him in. His death was wrung by starvation.

Of course as all his dreams came about Derek woke in a frantic sweat. Usually his wife remained conked by his left, an arm dangling over her forehead and her mouth parted to release the vapid snores. This time she found consciousness with him. Immediately her palm stretched along his back. He panted for air. She pressed her lips to his shoulder blade and they remained firm to his flesh for minutes that stretched into hours. Nothing was said but her gestures were words enough. They told him, "Hey I'm here and I care about you" which was enough to send him back to a land of happier dreams. She curled around him once he settled. Her arms and legs a monkey and his body her tree. They were _forking_ to the contrary of their normal spoon. She cradled his head to her chest this time. Fingers combing through the sweat slicked curls of his scalp.

Unfortunately the sleep hadn't lasted long. Meredith's alarm broke his slumber which only signaled that he get up to help with the kids. Plus he was do to meet Amelia at the hospital again. He opted to ride with his wife instead of following in a separate car hours later. They showered together to strictly save time. Not a tinge of porny goodness dripped from the excursion. They were simply there to bathe and move on with their morning.

Meredith's Lexus was the last he saw of her that day. With the exception of a small wave in the hall, they didn't cross paths. Derek wasn't necessarily working for Grey-Sloan again, not yet anyways, but his day was jam packed assisting Amelia and Tom with the Catherine Fox case. That, combined with Bailey's birthday coming, _and_ his mother and sisters flying in to see him the day crept away from him. Allotting little to no time at all to see his wife. Kicking Andrew DeLuca's ass had yet to come either. It was evident that man was doing all that he could to hide from Derek.

Plus there'd been little to no time at all for planning he and Meredith's romantic evening. No date was set but both were cognizant it should be soon. He wanted her. Derek missed his wife and her gorgeous body. The way she purred and writhed under his skin akin to a kitten. He was prepared to rediscover her carnally. Find every crevice that made her tick like a bomb. Except he couldn't do any of those things because his family was coming to Seattle and there were ground breaking surgeries to find answers for and his son was turning a year older.

Derek groaned. He slammed his forehead to the dinning table, moaning in annoyance. He's ready to slip his notebook away, shut off the lights, and make a beeline to the bedroom. Except a familiar fragrance of heady lavender fills his nostrils. Meredith's keys jingle. His ears prick when they land with a thud on the island. The noise of boots clanking to hardwood brims his drum. A sigh elicits when her fingers dislodge the black beanie from his hair. They entangle to his thick curls. Her lips find his scalp.

"Mmm." He hums. Meredith massages his curls for a few lingering moments.

Her hands slip from his hair to shoulder blade. The sound of her even breaths fill the silence. "Birthday party planning isn't as easy as it seems, huh?" She asserts, a half hearted chuckle escaping.

Derek makes a noise. Something incoherent to the rest of the world but his forearm. "Seriously. How was your surgery, Mer?" Around 4:30 when her shift was scheduled to end, a patient, a ten year old girl, was suffering complications. Meredith called Derek to alert him she would most likely be in surgery until later that night and Amelia should drop him off at the house.

Silence stretched. He lifts his head from the cool wood of their table. Redness circles her waterline. "Not good. There was too much damage. I couldn't do anything. The cancer had completely spread. I had to close her back up."

"Oh, Mer..." Derek motions to her. She comes forward and they embrace. Now he's comforting her. It's always difficult when a patient comes around and there is physically nothing you can do for them. That pain is excruciating when it comes to children.

Meredith sniffles, keeping her emotions at bay. They untangle from the hug. "I'm good. I'll be okay I just need sleep or maybe a really good distraction." The glimmer in her eyes at the mention of a distraction caused his breath to hitch.

She reaches for his hand. Their fingers interlock. Meredith scoots her seat closer. The legs of their chairs bump. She leans in for a kiss. One that snatches his breath. The kind that leaves him begging for more. Her left hand strokes his thigh. Their tongues battle for dominance. Meredith's seems to take the reigns. Their lips mesh and tug. She's nearly swallowing him whole with her cavern.

This is a tactic Meredith used long ago. Using their sexuality as a distraction from communicating. George's death comes to mind. She used sex as a way to keep herself from crying. "Hey," Derek releases her strong hold on his mouth. "You don't want to have sex now do you?"

Her face is flushed. She unravels their fingers. "Why not now?" She asks. "The kids are asleep. Maggie is with Jackson and Amelia is with Owen. We're all alone. I've had a shitty day and I just want-"

"That's exactly why we can't have sex Meredith, you're upset."

Her expression shifts. "I'm not upset. I want to be distracted I want something to..." Her voice wavers. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I-I don't know what came over me. We shouldn't, not now."

"It's okay. You lost a patient. When I would lose someone, especially a child, I would want sexual healing. I'd want you to numb the pain. It's okay." He says.

Meredith lies her head against his shoulder. His fingers strum her spine. "She was so young. It's not fair." Her voice breaks.

Derek constricts her. It breaks him to think of the nights she broke down this way when he was away. Who was there to pick the pieces up? Who kissed her head and assured her the pain would cease at some point? "You're a good surgeon. You did all that you could. Just knowing that you tried is enough. Many surgeons wouldn't have but you did. You're a fighter. Think about that."

He feels her nose touch his neck. Right over a long, winding scar the semi decorated his flesh with. Her lips peck the pudgy line. "Thank you. I needed that."

They sit through the quiet. Derek's lids dip. He could sleep just like this. _Happily_ sleep too. With her body so proximal. Their hands touching. The soft scent of lavender making his head rush. Their feet touch. His sock clad toes migrate over her leather ankle boot. He can feel her nose scrunch. It tickles.

"I did make you dinner though." He piques in referral to their _sex date_ processing. "It's in the fridge if you're hungry. Chicken. I put all the fattening crap on there just for you." He smirks at her scalp.

Meredith snorts. "Thank you. But I think I just want to drown my sorrows in a tub of strawberry ice cream." She removes herself from the cocoon they've created. Derek turns his attention back to the table. The scattered notebooks, papers, his iPhone laying at the far end. Noises of his wife shuffling prick his ears. The fridge opens and closes. Rattling of silverware. He smirks when she grunts in an effort to open the ice cream container. His smile deepens at her moan of satisfaction to follow.

"Ben and Jerry are lifesavers you know." Meredith asserts, her mouth permeated by the soft elixir of cream.

Meredith circles back into his view. She kicks her boots off. Her feet come to rest in his lap. "I'm sorry about nearly having my way with you on the table right here." She blushes.

"If this wasn't supposed to be our do over first time I probably would have let you." He smiles at her. "Speaking of, when do you want to, you know."

Meredith keeps her attention on the tub of frozen dessert. Derek absentmindedly rubs her feet. His thumbs push against the tendons and knots. His wife purrs. "Doesn't matter to me. Maybe after Bailey's birthday? I don't think it matters when your family is here they're staying at a hotel anyways because we don't have enough rooms at the house. Oh! Maybe your mom could watch the kids for us in case Alex can't do it."

"Do you really want to ask my mom if she can watch our kids so we can have sex?" He raises a brow.

Meredith giggles. "She won't know we're planning on being porny."

Derek scoffs. Carolyn Shepherd knew everything. His mother relished to pry in his business. When he was fifteen and kissed a girl for the first time, she _knew._ Secrets were a myth in the Shepherd household.

"Mer, she's going to know I promise you."

"I don't care if she does." Meredith says. "You're my husband. If I want to plan corny romantic nights where you cook me dinner and we have naughty kitchen table sex then that's my business."

Derek chuckles. Meredith has never been the type of woman who cared for anyone's opinion but her own. He admired that about her. Sometimes he felt he cared _too_ much about what other people thought of him.

"I really want to make love to you." Derek whispers. His wife preens.

The tension and buildup to their rendezvous has subsequently made their intimacy stronger. They've never done this before. Well, scratch that, when they started dating again after the prom excursion Meredith planned that their be no sex. Except that tactic failed miserably a few days following because neither could keep their hands off each other. This is the longest they've willingly waited. Other times they've put sex off was only because of a fight broke out and they were pissed at each other.

"Me too." She whispers. "I know I just tried to jump your bones but I really want it to be special." Her toes wiggle between his fingers. Derek's heart races.

He imagines their night to be brimmed by romance. Much of Meredith's giggling when they decide to just rip off the bandaid and get to it. They'll probably bump their noses and it may be awkward in the beginning but soon they'll find their rhythm. Just like they always do.

It isn't even so much the pleasure of sex that's exciting him. It's that connectivity. The moment when the world collapses around them. He wants to show her he's there to commit. This time no force is going to break them apart.

With a clunk, his wife's ice cream rests on their table. She removed her tiny feet from his lap and soon stands, reaching her arm out to his proximity. "Lets take a bath. I'm all gooey in all the right places and we can't do the sexy thing. So, bath?"

Derek shakes his head at her antics. Twenty minutes ago he was counting down the minutes until his head could crash on a pillow. Now he's nothing but giddy to sink back in a tub with his wife's back to his chest. Their hands meet. He groans softly to stand.

"I could use a bath." He leads her to the stairs.

GA

This is heaven or pretty damn close to it. If it weren't for the children's bedrooms just behind this wall, Meredith would be moaning, _loudly._

Candles flicker in the darkness. Their two pale bodies lie comfortably in a pool of bubbles. Warmth from the water surrounds their nude frames.

Derek runs a burning wash cloth down her vertebrae. It seeps into her taut muscles and makes them piles of jello instantly. Her cheek lies at the lip of the claw foot bathtub. It's cool porcelain feel a frothy contrast to her hot cheeks. His thighs confine her. She uses his knees as the perfect armrest. It's then that his lips touch her shoulder. Her body writhes.

"Do that again and I might orgasm on you." Meredith insists. She closes her eyes when the warm cloth drags down to her tailbone.

Somewhere in the background Derek chuckles at her assertion. "I haven't even touched any of your porny places." He corrects but his lips remain glued to her wet skin.

Forcefully, she opens her eyes to slits. Their clothes are strewn over the floor. Both were far to eager to drop them into the dirty clothes hamper. _I'll get it later_ the tiny voice in her head assures. Meredith leans backward. She lies against the solid plane of his chest. A smile forms from cheek to cheek.

Derek's washcloth migrates too. From her back to front. He starts at the navel and makes a voyage to the mountains and valley of her chest. "You could blow on me and it might undo me." She sighs. It had been a while since the last _Derek_ gave Meredith a run for her money. DeLuca was a fine lover but it was nothing in comparison to her husband. Andrew was more of a _boy_ searching for the right spots while Derek was definitely a **man** taking his prey, leaving her desiring more.

A devious snicker releases from behind her. His breath pulses at her neck. The washcloth easily inserts itself across Meredith's puckered nipples. He cups her breast and tests it's weight in his palm. This time she _does_ moan but does her best to keep it soft. His legs cradle her body. She feels his semi erection pressing against her spine. _Why were they waiting again?_

"I'm sorry that DeLuca couldn't satisfy you in my absence." Derek husks to her ear. His teeth grapple at skin of her ear and she quivers in his hold. Her toes crinkle. Her hands tighten around the sides of the tub.

She bites her lip. "Not like you can." She whispers. "Nothing like you."

"Do you ever try to satisfy _yourself?"_ He questions. His question slogged through her brain. With his two pronged attempt at getting her off with the ear nibbling and warm cloth circling her puckered buds, she could barely think coherently.

"Sometimes." The word is barely a choked divulgence.

Her answer seems to intrigue Derek. He maneuvers closer. His bouncing boner sticks at her tailbone. She whimpers. "Do you think of me?"

"No, _Bradley Cooper_." Meredith groans sarcastically. He has her wrapped around his finger and she hates that he has so much control over her body. Except the heat in her core begs to differ. It seems to relish the newfound attention and its pleading to be released from its cage.

"That's too bad," the washcloth makes a splash into the water. His fingers replace the fabric covering her left breast. "Because I think of **you**."

Derek's fingertips circle her rosy nipple. They're ripe and puckered. He toys with the sensitive bud like a joystick on a game controller.

Meredith hiccups. Since when did Derek mast- "Ohhhh." She whines when his other hand trails to her leg. To the crease that connects thigh to her womanhood. His fingers never quite migrate to her throbbing center. She thinks partly to be a tease but also to remain chaste for their pending partnership next week. But none of that meant they couldn't have fun in the process, right?

He continues to flick his thumb and forefinger across her breast in an attempt to get her off. His ministrations seem to pay off though when her body starts to tremble. Meredith's feet slip and slide against the bottom of the tub. She's floating except Derek's arms tighten around her waist to keep her grounded. Spots color her vision. Her silhouette tightens and contracts with need. This climax isn't loud and doesn't involve her usual bit of screams, but is still all as powerful. He managed to get her off without a single touch to the cluster of nerves between her legs. How had he done that? Maybe the pent of sexual tension had gone to her head. Maybe her bad day had needed a bit of sexual healing. Maybe she just missed him more than she was letting on.

No matter the cause of her orgasm, it was really freaking perfect. His hands combed through her now sweat slicked locks. He brushed perspiration from her forehead away. "Thank you." Her gratitude was nothing more than a wrecked whisper.

"Hmm." Derek murmurs to her hair. They lie like that, constricted to the tub for a while longer.

Minutes that feel like ages seem to pass. The rest of their bath is brimmed by small kisses and chaste touches. Derek ends up washing her hair for her and she does the same to him which ends in both of them giggling at her gesture.

"What time is your family supposed to be here tomorrow?" She asks when pulling on a pair of panties.

Derek is clad in gray boxers, towel drying his hair. "Uh, I think only my mom is coming tomorrow. Nancy has a critical patient, Kathleen and Lizzie should be here the next day though." He retorts. He passes her to placate the cream towel back on its hook. She watches when he blows out the remaining candles in the bathroom and picks up the remnants of their clothes from the floor.

She grabs one of his Bowdoin shirts from the drawer. It's freshly washed and smells like Downey fabric softener. Swiftly the garment goes over her head. "I'm excited to see her." Meredith admits and this time she's being honest. Memories from when she initially met Carolyn strike.

 _You're wearing an alarmingly high pony tail._

 _Your mother is coming!_

"I think she's excited to see you and the kids. It's been a while."

Suddenly Meredith is flooded by guilt. That's partially her doing. When Derek died she couldn't particularly bring herself to invite Carolyn down to Seattle or make a trip to New York. At the time, anyone close to Derek sent her on a rampage. It's why she and Amelia couldn't get along for so long. She was the wrong Shepherd and that pained Meredith for so ions. And then, once she was able to get over herself, time slipped away from her.

"I'm sorry." Meredith admits. "I'm sorry I haven't had her around."

The mattress squeaks when Derek climbs to the bed. He pulls down the comforter and slides in next to her. "Meredith it's okay. I get it, you were grieving. If the tables had been turned I wouldn't have wanted your family around either. You don't have to apologize for that." She takes his hand at the finish of his spiel. Admittedly it does make her feel better.

She too settles into bed. Crisp sheets cocoon her. The television runs in the background, _Jimmy Kimmel_ is their evening white noise. "I want our kids to know their grandmother. They don't have any grandparents and it's a shame. Whether you were dead or you weren't I should have never kept her away like that. I'm sorry."

"I swear if you say sorry one more time I'm going to get up and call my mom in New York right now to tell her not to come." He laughs softly. Their eyes meet. Derek moves forward to kiss her forehead.

"Okay I won't say it again." She says. "I am happy she's going to be here for Bailey's birthday Saturday."

"Me too. How is he five years old? It feels like just yesterday he was a baby and..." his voice depletes. This is what crunches Meredith's heart. It must be one of the most excruciating feelings to have missed so much. The most critical years of their children's lives were completely gone from Derek. She can only imagine if she herself was in this type of situation. How terrible she might feel if this was her.

In an attempt to bring him solace Meredith kisses him. Not a sexy kiss that leaves him panting and begging but the sort to reassure him that things were going to be alright. "I'm so happy you get to be here for his fifth birthday." She whispers.

"He's five Mer, _five years old._ The last I saw him he was just a baby. He still sat in a high chair." Tears fill his eyes. The only thing she knows to make the situation any better is to wrap her arms around his body.

"I know. I know it really freaking sucks." He holds her back. "But you have to live now. Because if you don't live in the moment then you'll just miss even more. Live in the moment, Der. It's good." With his hands encased around her lower back they continue their quiet embrace.

She thinks this might by in the top three of things she missed most about Derek being here with her. Now that he's back it's lovely how they're able to comfort again. To bring each other serenity in times of ache.

Derek seems beat. Literally exhausted from the appearance. His lids are nearly shut. He suffered a nightmare last night. The kind that left him begging and gasping for air. It physically broke her heart watching him suffer that way. Through pain he so did not deserve. She thinks physical contact helps or might help.

"Hey, Der?" Meredith coos. Derek's orbs open. Fatigue laces them.

"Mm, yeah?"

She sifts her fingers through his damp hair. "Turn around. I wanna be the big spoon tonight."

He seems puzzled by the statement. "What?"

"Just do it. You're always spooning me to bed and tonight I want to spoon you." Meredith kisses the tip of his elongated snout. Derek always protects her. Keeps her safe from harm with his arms twisted around her waist. Can't it be her turn to do that for him? After everything he's suffered through, the least Meredith can do is try for him. Try to make things better.

To her surprise he obliges to the request without argument. She reaches to turn out the lamp first and then she moves to his silhouette. Her breasts mash to the dips of his dorsal. It's awkward at first. Her body is entirely smaller than his. But Meredith does what her frame will allow to make do. She circles a leg around waist and can't help but smile when his hand curls at her thigh. She presses each hand over his beating heart. Her nose touches the nape of his neck, just where feral curls flare out.

"Comfy?" Meredith asks.

A relaxed sigh elicits. "Mm, very."

She feels for his heart rate. The organ slowly grows steady. Derek's breathing pans out. If she can take the stress away for even ten minutes, she wants to. Even on the nights Meredith doesn't wake up to help him through a PTSD contracted nightmare, she knows he has them. She's hopeful physical contact might help him. Maybe subconsciously his brain will indicate the protection of someone else or she's optimistic it will.

Meredith's near the land of dreams herself when Derek's fingers connect with hers. They rest comfortably at the apex of his chest. She sighs happily.

They remain that way for the rest of the night.

GA

Carolyn Shepherd silently grinned to herself when the taxi pulled up at Harper Lane. The last she had seen her son and his wife was at the old home Derek built. She was still fuzzy on the details behind that. She made a visit just after Bailey was born. Carolyn desired to see her newest grandchild who in fact was no girl this time around and that excited her.

The meeting was curt and Carolyn barely spent any time with the children before she was rushing back to New York. Since then, only phone calls and Face Times have been made. When Derek passed she briefly saw Meredith at the funeral but the poor woman was too distraught to even look her mother in law in the eyes.

She couldn't quite blame Meredith. Carolyn had been through something similar. She lost her husband and that was enough to shut every person she cared for at the time out of existence.

It was a shock to system a month ago when her youngest daughter called. Amelia was choking back sobs to inform Carolyn that Derek was alive and well. Initially Carolyn didn't want to believe Amelia's antics. She assumed maybe Amelia was back on the drugs or a terrible dream had awaken her that her brother was here. Except she herself knew that the youngest wouldn't be so inclined to make a phone call to Carolyn unless it's importance was sky rocketing.

Then she passed the phone to her son and every bit of emotion she'd kept at bay flooded outward. Hearing Derek's voice again struck a nerve with Carolyn. He'd always been special. Derek stuck out like a sore thumb in the Shepherd household, mostly because after Micheal passed he was the only testosterone left. Derek was different from his four sisters in every way. While they tended to be loud, gossipy, and popular, he was shy. Derek kept to himself during his adolescence. To put it bluntly her son was an outcast. Not that it mattered to Carolyn. She admired he migrated to his own beat.

Always he was going about life differently than the rest of the clan. At first Carolyn couldn't help but be bothered by it. Moving to Seattle with no goodbye. No Shepherd left New York. Then he met Meredith Grey and suddenly she could accept his new life across the country. It was a miracle her son was able to enjoy the prospect of living now.

She kindly thanks her driver, hands him a tip, and exits the yellow cab. It's a gorgeous morning in Seattle. The sky is crystal clear, not too brisk, and the sun beams bright. Her watch reads 11:30 AM. Derek was supposed to have plucked her from the airport an hour earlier but he never showed. Carolyn hadn't put much thought in it, assuming something came up at the hospital.

Except her irises stick on the silver Lexus and Black Porsche Cayenne sitting poignantly in the driveway. _Had they forgotten?_ Carolyn wonders. She wheels her bag up the sidewalk and to the front porch.

A knock elicits. No answer. She sounds off the doorbell. Nothing. What the hell was going on in there? It was then that she concluded the front door was unlocked. Carolyn lets herself in.

The abode is quiet. Aside from the grandfather clock near the stairs ticking back and forth. No giggles or squeals relinquishing from the children. Carolyn makes a trail to the living area. It's clean with no evidence of anyone having been there this morning. Then she checks the kitchen but only finds her sons phone and a stack of papers on the table.

Her numerous texts fill his notifications.

The only plausible option she can think of is that they're sleeping. She's been to this house a handful of times. Just enough to give her information of where the master bedroom might be. The staircase creaks with every step she makes. Mentally she's berating the contraption, in hopes the croaks don't wake the couple if they're slumbering.

If Carolyn knows her son, she knows he has to be completely wiped in order to over sleep or even sleep at this late of an hour. She can assume the accident has taken a load out of him and the process of getting reacquainted in Seattle must be exhausting.

At the end of the hall, a bedroom door is cracked. Lavender walls poke her vision. A large bed at the center of the room and in the apex lies a tangle of limbs.

Two people are entangled to one another. Faint snores elicit from Meredith's mouth and Carolyn does all that she can to keep from giggling. Her sons nose is pressed to his wife's forehead. They're wound so tight to each other it nearly makes her awe at the imagery. The power must have gone out the previous night without either of their knowledge. Judging by the flashing _12:00 AM_ on the clock, their alarm never sounded off.

They look so serene lying together. Carolyn doesn't have the heart to disengage the two from sweet dreams and a peaceful rest. Instead, Carolyn leans forward to place a soft kiss to her sons head and her daughter in laws. Derek shifts and mumbles unconsciously. Meredith moves closer to her husband.

They remind her much of she and Michael. Helplessly in love decades and decades before them. Carolyn's thrilled that the only difference in their love stories is that Meredith's husband came back. Their love hadn't halted permanently.

"Sleep well." Her voice is a gentle whisper. The couple remains unaffected by her words and continues their slumber together.

Carolyn exits the bedroom and migrates down the hall to her gorgeous grandchildren's bedrooms.

GA

Derek's eyes are sticky. The taste in his cavern is gross and his subconscious demands he plant a mouthful of Crest to his teeth. The second coherent thought he has that morning is that he slept. He slept well without a single nightmare captivating him.

That alone was enough to jolt him from the tangle of blankets and sheets. Primitively, he's alone. Meredith's side is empty aside from her pillow. There's no noise of the shower running. No light illuminating from under the bathroom door. _She must be downstairs with the kids._ He thinks. They opted to keep their children home this Friday. With Bailey's party tomorrow and his mother flying in today, a skip day wasn't the end of the world.

 _"Fuck!"_ Derek hisses. Suddenly he remembers exactly where he's supposed to be or supposed to have been earlier this morning. When he glances at the alarm it's flashing a random time. That makes his stomach roil. His job was to get his mother after her flight landed. Clearly that hadn't happened.

In a frenzy he bolts from the bed. Icy hardwood plunges against the soles of his bare feet. Derek's in too much of a frantic haze to bother slipping socks or bedroom shoes on. He slips from bedroom, to hall, to the staircase.

"Meredith!" Derek shouts. His heels create a rhythm of thumping with every stomp he makes. "Mer, we overslept we forgot-"

The sight he's greeted by is one he didn't expect. His mother, decked out in an apron, and Meredith wearing a black one, are standing by the stove. Zola, Bailey, and Ellis are plopped at the kitchen table. They're coloring. Well Zola is coloring while Bailey and Ellis nearly scribble on the placemat.

His wife is still wearing clothes for sleep. Except she's pulled on some leggings and her hair is tied back. There's the smallest dollop of pancake batter decorating her pink cheek. Meredith's smile brightens when his presence is known. "Hey, Der!" She asserts quickly before returning her attention to the bowl she's mixing batter in.

Meredith cooking was... odd. His wife couldn't cook. She could barely whip up a pop-tart without burning it. And yet there she was decked out in an apron labeled _kiss the cook_ and it was all weird. Then there was his mother who seemed to be assisting Meredith in the pancake making process. They were laughing together, smiling, having a good time.

What the hell had the universe done with Meredith and when did it replace her with this pod person? She didn't even seem like she was struggling. Usually, Derek could easily decipher when his wife was pulling a facade. Except right now she didn't seem miserable at all.

"Hello, sweetheart!" His mother beams from across the kitchen. She drops her spatula and adjust a couple settings on the stove. "Watch those for me, dear." She coerces to his wife. Quickly, his mother hurries for the threshold where he's been standing the entire time, dumbfounded.

Her stout arms embrace him. Derek reciprocates her hug without encouragement. "Oh my, darling it is so wonderful to hug you again." Derek's fingers curl at his mother's shoulders. She's warm and soft just as he remembers. How had it been almost four years since he last hugged her?

They'd spoken on the phone after popping up in Seattle. Then she offered to drop everything and come out to visit but it was he who insisted that wouldn't be necessary. An agreement was made that she along with his army of sisters could fly in near Bailey's birthday and stay through Thanksgiving.

He nuzzles his nose into his mother's nearly white tendrils. their embrace lasts for a couple of minutes. It was the moments like these that he found himself grateful. God hadn't let him leave and lose people like Meredith and his mom. His time on earth wasn't finished.

 _He_ wasn't finished yet.

"It's so good to see you, ma." Derek whispers.

His mother sniffles. "You too, sweetheart. How are you?" He untangles, pulling a seat out for she and himself at the kitchen table. "Oh no, I'm good. I'm helping Meri over here make breakfast. Well, more so lunch it is nearing 12:30." She adds with a grin.

"A pain in the behind is how he is." Meredith interjects somewhere in the background.

Derek scoffs at the admission. "Haha, you weren't saying that last night now were you?"

His wife's face is blooming with blush at the comment. It's evident Carolyn is suppressing laughter. "What happened last night, daddy?" Zola asks after putting down her crayons.

"Yeah, _daddy_ what happened last night?" His wife lifts her brows, a smug smirk stretched at her cheeks.

Derek bends to the best of his ability. His hand strokes Zola's hair. "Mommy was being nice last night because we were cuddling. You know how much you love to cuddle with me? Well mommy does to."

Meredith murmurs something under her breath. He can assume it's something unkind toward him but Derek can only beam. It's a glorious feeling that he and Meredith can tease one another again just like they used to. Not every moment has to be permeated by seriousness.

"Alright guys, what about you guys go get your shoes on so we can eat the pancakes Mommy made and then we'll all go to the park?" Carolyn suggests. All three Shepherd's squeal with delight and hurry from their seats at the table and out the kitchen door.

"You are such a jackass!" Meredith snarls when the children are out of sight. He chortles when her dish rag collides with his shoulder. He's backed into the island, her tiny fists pounding at his chest but they're barely leaving a dent to his torso.

Derek yanks the towel from her hands. The scrap of fabric lands somewhere behind them. His fingers grapple at her waist and he takes the reigns. "Stop it!" She giggles when his fingers tickle her tummy. Her shrieks of exultance eliciting beyond the kitchen walls.

Their actions halt when Derek finds his mother peeping at their charade, a thin smirk lacing her features. "Oh don't stop on my account dear, I know how it is." She gestures her chin to them in an attempt to further her point. Derek feels bile collect at the back of his throat.

"Ma, we weren't really doing anything last night." Derek says.

"Right we were just-"

"Oh you two don't have to make up a cover story. I know what it's like to be happy and in love. Meredith, dear, your husband died and then he came back. It's perfectly healthy if you two are spending a lot of _quality_ time together."

Derek unfurls his grip on Meredith's hips. Suddenly feeling beyond awkward in the midst of this conversation. He steps away and distracts himself with the contents of the fridge. It's when he's snagging a carton of orange juice that he hears Meredith stirring a conversation with his mother.

"Actually, Carolyn," Meredith sighs. "I wanted to ask you about something. Things have been really great since Derek has been back I promise. But with our busy schedules and all, Derek and I haven't really been very _intimate."_

Derek's flesh burns. "Meredith stop." He blurts to pause the ongoing conversation.

"Derek, your mom doesn't mind! The point is, I really want to be with my husband. It's been so long but we can't ever find the right time. I want a night with no distractions. Plus, my birthday is next weekend so I was just going to ask if you could watch the kids then. Would that maybe be okay?"

His mother smiles softly. "Oh dear, of course I will. I can take them back to my hotel room for the evening or maybe we could spend some time with Amy, Liz, Nancy, and Kate."

"Great! that means so much to me."

"It's not a problem, Meri." His mother assures. Derek takes a swig of juice but would almost rather it be a dose of scotch at this particular moment. "You and Derek take the entire night if that's what you need."

Derek carries his string of embarrassment through the remainder of his day. How awkward was it to ask his own mother if she could watch their children just so he and Meredith could have sexy time together? However when the following morning rose the only thought consuming him was his son.

Derek Bailey Shepherd was five. That was insane, right? There would always be this place in Derek's heart that throbbed every time he thought about missing three years of his children's lives. But as Meredith put it, dwelling on the past wouldn't give him time. It only took present memories away from him.

Their day began a little hectic. "The Hulk" cancelled on the party, something regarding a nasty head cold. Then Jamie's mother one of Bailey's friends mother wasn't able to take the group out to the park. Luckily his own mother improvised and offered to take over whilst he set up at the house with Link.

That guy wasn't all bad. Maybe his sparkling grin somewhat hurt Derek's retina but he was a good person. If it weren't for him the party would have never been put together in time. With Meredith being called in for emergency surgery, it left him in solitude.

"They should be here any minute." Meredith pants, rushing down the staircase, adjusting her ponytail. She was able to make it home with just enough time to change out of scrubs and into something casual. "How do I look?" She questions.

Derek's breath catches in his throat. Even in such a minimalistic outfit, Meredith manages to still be exquisite. With her stone wash skinny jeans and the undone button down, his heart swelled.

"Beautiful." He strokes her shoulder and steals a soft kiss from her red lips. She tastes like lemonade. He hums at the delicacy. Link can be heard in the background, in awe of their lip lock.

"You two are just so cute!" He gushes.

Meredith giggles. "You never said that when I was with DeLuca."

Link's face wrinkles. "DeLuca is a swine Meredith. Plus why would I rather you be with someone like _him_ when Derek Shepherd is literally standing right here? This man is a walking legend!"

Derek and Meredith share a glance. It's easy to tell the desire of bursting into laughter is eating them alive. Strange how their biggest supporter is a man they only recently met. Not that Derek was complaining. Anyone rooting for he and Meredith was someone he admired.

A group of screaming children disengages him from that thought. They're wearing masks but he can easily depict Bailey from the crowd. His light blonde hair contrasts against the darker colors.

"Happy birthday Bailey!" Meredith and Derek shout in unison. Their son flies to their arms and they each twirl him around. Derek smothers him in kisses while Meredith tickles his tiny belly.

Their sons attention diverts to Link who is happily cheering along with the adults and swarm of children. "Are you Thor?" He asks in a soft cherubic tone.

Link stands still for seconds at a time. "I am!"

"Oh cool!" Bailey squeals.

"Now, which one of you kids stole my hammer?!" Link grunts before picking Bailey off the ground.

Meredith, Derek, and his mother remain smiling as they watch the scene unfold. Derek is more than euphoric to experience this moment. To think just a few months ago, none of this existed for him. There were no children or wife or mom or pack of sisters. He was alone. In a foreign place that no one knew him in.

He's grateful that God gave him this opportunity. Because there are so many others in this world who weren't or aren't as lucky as he is.

This ponder carries with him through the rest of the party. The cluster of kids remain a pack of wild animals in the other room when he, Meredith, Link, and his mother enjoy cake and wine back in the kitchen.

"You eat more junk food than any surgeon I've ever met." Meredith snorts watching Link devour another slice of double chocolate delicacy.

He swallows a thick piece coated in royal icing. "One perk of being a cancer kid I get to eat whatever I want and no one can tell me no."

Derek's brow scrunches. "How do you not have diabetes or heart disease or way four hundred pounds?" He asks.

Meredith and his mother snicker. "I run a lot. What are you some kind of healthy guru? Do you drink green tea and inhale salads?" Link smirks at him.

"Oh no, he's _worse_." His wife says. "The biggest health nut I've ever met. I'm shocked he's even eating the cake."

"Hey, I ate chocolate pudding that time."

Her irises roll. "That was a fluke. You were wounded and wounded people eat whatever they want. A fluke Derek!"

He gouges on a slice of chocolate. The sweet elixir melts on his tongue and easily glides down his esophagus. He moans in appreciation. "I'm eating cake right now, aren't I?" He nuzzles his nose close to her much tinier one. Their gazes are intense.

"Alright you two I thought we were holding off until next weekend for that." His mother peeps.

"Holding off for what?" Link asks.

Derek unwinds from his wife. " **Nothing**." He says. "Nothing at all."

"A little romance is all." His moms eyebrows wiggle. Derek's face cauterizes.

Link's plastic yellow fork drops to his plate. He glances between Meredith and Derek. A sly grin forms. "Oh, so like a sex date?"

"Stop." Derek growls.

Link mimics a thrusting motion. "A little 'uh uh' huh?"

Meredith hides her face to keep from bursting with giggles. Derek on the other hand finds this situation anything but humorous. "I will strangle your neck." He asserts.

"Oh my neck isn't the only thing being strangled I see."

This time, Meredith does laugh. "There are children in the other room!"

"My mom is sitting right here." Derek addresses. Carolyn seems unbothered, almost entertained by the ordeal.

"She doesn't care. I bet the sex is hot though. Is it hot?" Derek buries his face into his forearms.

Meredith's fingers touch his spine. He doesn't lift his head but feels his heart quicken in beats when she leans forward to his ear. " _Very_." Her breath husks to his ears only.

He tilts head to the left. She's smirking, ear to ear.

 _Oh it will be. Very, very,_ _ **very**_ _hot._ He thinks to himself.

* * *

 **Okay I got this chapter out in three days since the last one, I think that deserves some kind of applause! The amount of support and love for the last chapter was astounding. I appreciate all of your kind words they always motivate me to keep writing.**

 **This chapter was MerDer heavy but I mean who's really complaining anyways? I wanted to quickly say that it mentions Derek talk about God a few times in this chapter. I think he is more of a believer than Meredith. He I feel like grew up going to church and I think his mother is religious. This really has nothing to do with the chapter but I felt it was important to bring it up in case any of you were curious.**

 **Next chapter will be strictly MerDer. No other characters involved for purposes I'm sure you can assume. I also decided to make it Meredith's birthday because Ellen Pompeo's birthday is in November and this is when the chapter is set!**

 **Give me your thoughts on the chapter! There will definitely be more Shepherd family to come so stay tuned. Thank you for the reviews and support guys, I love writing for you all.**


	10. Let's Talk About Sex Baby

**Well guys, we've made it. I think this might be a chapter you've all been waiting for. It's fluffy, porny, and packed full of romance. Only MerDer appears in the chapter but I think that's okay with you guys.**

 **I do want to address this is rated M. Most of it is so if that's something you're not interested in, that's perfectly okay but there is important and serious things happening this chapter as well.**

 **We've surpassed 12,000 views I think I might faint. The amount of love you guys are giving to this story warms my heart to pieces. For those of you who review every chapter, I see you and I appreciate you SO SO MUCH. For those who take time out of their day to leave longer comments just really get to me. You'll never understand how much the feedback means.**

 **Before we begin, I want to thank all who reviewed; writer-in-newyork, TeamMerDer4Ever, nourseholly, Patsy, Sandra, GayleLynn, Your Fan, Lina, izgreysfan, dempsxys, carolinelee, Leann Nickerson, savannah617, Lili, 098, all the guests, and the ones from my other outlets and Instagram!**

 **Also, someone asked about my handles. You can see updates and sneak peeks on postitdempseyfanfics or ferryboatts on Instagram and my Twitter is patrickdempsea!**

 **Thank you guys and please enjoy this really beautiful chapter. (PS I think the fanfic community has dubbed Elizabeth as Meredith's middle name, right?)**

* * *

Meredith Elizabeth Grey was turning a year older. Normally, a birthday for her was nothing but another day in the year. The occasion held no special value, at least not for her benefit. Of course Meredith relished celebrating her children's birthdays or even her sisters, sometimes even Alex's on occasion. But never her own. The day's recollections were only brimmed by excruciating childhood trauma. Spending years alone on her special day. Not even a cupcake with a candle plopped before her. Ellis Grey's utmost important priority was the hospital, never her daughter.

 _"Birthday's mean nothing, Meredith. It's just another day and it doesn't mean I'm going to spend money I worked hard to earn just to buy you a plastic doll and a cake from the grocery store."_ Her mother would hiss. For the longest time Meredith took that phrase to heart. The same or similar spiel came around during Christmas or any akin holiday.

Derek flipped her mental tables completely. It was _he_ who got her interested in the family traditions her mother swore off. It was the first year of their marriage she really began to celebrate her birthday. Derek always came prepared with a chocolate chip cake with a candle plunged in the center. Even after she insisted no presents, Derek purchased one anyways.

When he passed the newfound appreciation for her day of birth fizzled. Why celebrate a holiday when the one person she cared for most couldn't be there with her? It was sickening the first year he was away to wake up and go about her day without a single _Happy birthday, I love you_ from her husband. Others wished her a joyful day but it never felt the same. She halted celebrating all together. The day only brought her to tears.

This year though, was different. For the first time in three years Meredith held a reason for the celebration. Her husband was alive. Derek Christopher Shepherd was back in Seattle, in her home, making her gooey in all the proper places.

Not only was this Saturday her birthday but it would mark their _first time_ since his return, making the day all the more special. Meredith wasn't the sort of person to get nervous regarding sex. It was one of the only languages she fluently spoke. Albeit, tinges of anxiety were fiddling at her internally.

Things were different since the last she had been with Derek. Her body was different. She underwent an emergency c-section and a patient attack that kept her out of work for months. Derek witnessed her silhouette nude in the shower or tub a handful of times since coming back. But sex was an entire turnaround from those things. The intimacy crescendoed. Derek would be gazing head on. His fingers gliding across the lose skin of her belly or the stretch marks of her thighs. Pink, fleshy scars below her navel. A few decorated her hips. Would he still find her attractive? Sexy enough to make love to?

She allowed these thoughts to overrule her through the remainder of her day. Her sour assumptions were shaken away however when her Lexus pulled up at Harper Lane around 5:30 that evening. She pranced into a dark home. Not a single form of life twiddling about in the house. Meredith called for her husband, but no answer was reciprocated.

Originally her instincts pointed to Derek not even being home. Fear asphyxiated her. He whispered a warm birthday greeting earlier in the morning when they were both still groggy, curled under thick sheets and blankets. He prepared her coffee and planted a kiss on her lips that nearly flew her into the stratosphere.

That was the last she saw or heard from him. From what she knew, his physical therapy session for that Saturday was cancelled at his own admission. Amelia didn't need him for the Catherine case either. Which left him home, alone.

She wasn't worried he forgot her birthday but maybe their plans for that evening slipped his mind. What on earth could he have been doing? Derek was supposed to be cognizant of the time she got off work. They scheduled to just rip off the bandaid. Get it over with.

How naive had Meredith been to _actually_ believe Derek bought into that bull shit? This was her husband. The same man who serenaded her with long winded speeches of his love and built her dream homes. Derek didn't do quick and dirty.

"Der?" She voiced once more, creeping up the stairs, slipping down the corridor, cracking open their bedroom door. Meredith swears her heart stopped beating the moment she stepped over the threshold.

Their entire bedroom eclipsed by the same vanilla scented candles she used to formate their dream house years ago. The fire flickered within each cylinder of wax. Frillier pillows that usually decorated the bed spread were neatly placed by the oversized lounge chair adjacent to the window. The comforter drawn back. A single notecard planted at the apex of their bed.

 _Here is to my beautiful Meredith on her birthday. I drew you a bath and I put in the_ _ **good**_ _bath salts you like not those other ones that make you sneeze. I'll be back in a half hour. I left your robe on the knob. (:_

 _I love you, Derek._

She left the message lying at the foot of their bed. Her head shook and giggles managed to slip when she thought only Derek would do something of this nature. Candles illuminate the bathroom as well. She shucks her clothes by the hamper and eases her tense muscles into the scolding elixir. For the next thirty minutes, Meredith soaks up the relaxation in her tub. Granted her bath might be even more perfect if Derek's solid body lie flush behind her own. She's nearly a puddle down the drain though. He managed to soothe her tension without even being present, almost causing her to forget what the rest of the evening has in store.

"Hey, Mer you in there?" Derek's softer bravado stirs her from the cat nap she succumbed to.

With a yawn, she pushes her palm across the skin of her face to jolt her senses. The bath water gurgles, splashing over the lip of her claw foot tub. "Mmhmm. Sorry, fell 'sleep." She mumbles.

His laughter rivets from beyond the door. If it weren't for the soapy bubbles and the nakedness she might have slid out from the tub just to beat him with her pillow. But her brain opts against that notion, for now at least.

"Are you coming in?" Meredith adds.

Silence meets her question. After a long pause, he answers, "No. I'm going to be out here. When you're ready just pull on your robe and meet me in the bedroom."

It was unlike Derek to pass up an offer in the bathtub. Especially when said bath included Meredith unclothed and soapy in _all_ the right places. She doesn't argue the matter though. Clearly he's cooked up **something**. The man flooded their own bedroom with vanilla candles for crying out loud. His message was concise; romance was awaiting them.

Minutes pass, languorous ones in which she does her best to soak in the remaining moments of her perfect birthday bath. A fresh layer of goose clips her flesh when wet skin meets cold air. A plush towel encases her body. She uses the device to pat away the dampness. Her cream robe replaces the fibered cloth. The hair clip holding back her tangle of waves unfurls and leaves feral tendrils running down her shoulders.

When Meredith glances in the mirror, she's met with the picturesque of a woman with rosy cheeks and a freckled nose. Should she have dabbed a bit of makeup on for the occasion? Not that Derek desired the mask of foundation and mascara slathered lashes but for her own benefit. This was their first real time joining as a union since he _died_ and that changed a lot of things. What if she wasn't good enough for him anymore? He did have a sexual relationship with this Alice girl back in London. Would he be comparing them? She wasn't typically the type of girl to get nervous about sleeping with someone except now she was. Trepidation wrapped her in knots.

But she digresses. There were too many other factors playing into the evening that outweighed her emotional fear of not being enough. If she wasn't sexy enough would his erection always poke her spine in the tub or when they spooned? As an added, it was her birthday. Any woman desires spending her special day alone with the person they cherish. And Meredith really wanted that. Making love with someone she cared about sounded like the most perfect gift. One she's been deprived of for many years. It was Derek who taught her sex wasn't just something physical. That love making was a complete shift from screwing. She missed that. He'd been the only man she's ever made love to. All the rest were hookups and they were meaningless.

Swallowing her courage, Meredith inhales a cleansing breath to rid herself of all negative vibes. This was it. After tonight things would definitely be different. A _good_ different. She embraces the change when turning the knob and exposing herself to the bedroom.

It's difficult to sustain laughter when her husband is positioned cross legged on the edge of his side of their bed. Candles continue to flicker and spread its vanilla aroma. There's a small wrapped box perched in his palms.

"Hey." He says quietly. Derek is dressed in the navy bathrobe she bought upon his return. Derek used to own one similar before the accident but she guiltily threw it in a plastic tub in their garage to avoid glancing at it.

"Hi." Meredith responds.

He brings himself to a standing position. The soles of his feet patter across the hardwood. "Happy birthday." His lips interlock with hers. Their kiss is heavy and crescendoes with heat immediately. She smiles against his cavern. Truly, Meredith Grey is happy. For once in her life things were going according to plan.

"I got you something." Derek purrs. Their kiss fizzles when she tugs away. The rule was no gifts. With his birthday coming in January she made it clear the best gift they could provide was simply being alive and healthy.

Of course, this was Derek and it was no shock to the system he would disregard the rules. Her husband _was_ a risk taker. "I said no gifts." Meredith tugs at her bottom lip with her front tooth. The package is neatly wrapped in red paper.

"I think you'll like this one. Just open it."

It's contents beneath the pretty paper make her nearly wheeze with chortles. A package of latex free glow in the dark condoms rest in between her fingers. _Vegan_ she reads in italicized font toward the bottom of the box.

Meredith giggles uncontrollably.

"You bought me vegan glow in the dark condoms for my birthday?"

Derek's hand strokes her arm. He too joins in on the giggle fest. "I felt like it would break the ice or something. We used to use these remember?"

"Oh I remember." She counters. "You said they were _fun_ when really a floating penis in the pitch black darkness is honestly a little petrifying. Plus, Derek we haven't even used a condom since we got married like nine years ago." The box of contraband did bring back memories for her. Good ones. The sort that made her belly warm and fuzzy and fluttery. DeLuca tried to offer using them once. Meredith refused solely for the purpose that this was something only she and Derek shared.

He snorts. "You liked the glowing condoms don't lie."

"Maybe a little."

He brings her further inward. Derek smells delightful. The soft terrycloth of his robe brushes her own. Their noses are proximal. "We don't have to use them for the first round. I know you're on the pill it's so much more personal without it. But it was totally worth the cashier's dirty look at Target the other day when I bought them."

This time, she kisses him. The box of condoms falls with a thud on the bed somewhere. She uses each of her hands to cup his chiseled face. Derek tastes good. Like mint toothpaste or a gum. She doesn't know which it is. Their tongues tangle; a push and pull. They're riding a teeter totter, working together to evenly bring the contraption up and down.

"Are we still doing what we talked about?" Derek whispers in a breathless pant. The old Meredith would have disregarded his question and pushed him back to the mattress. She was wildly impatient or used to be anyways.

Now, she nods at his request. This was their special time. Their first union since he's come back should mean something. Neither should be running into the fire without a little repercussion. What fun was love making without a bit of foreplay anyways?

With a cheshire grin, Meredith makes a mad dash for her side of the bed. They're standing opposite of one another.

"You go first. You're the birthday girl after all." Derek smiles softly.

"You're only saying that because you just don't want to go first." Meredith retorts slyly.

Blush eclipses the plane of his neck and the open slit of his bathrobe showcasing his chest. But he continues grinning. "Maybe you caught me."

Meredith's fingers come to a pause near the thick tie of her garment. Fiddling with the fabric, reality hits her. When her robe pools by her feet, there's no going back. This is it. The moment she can give herself to Derek Shepherd after years without.

She jumps the gun or races off the cliff, however the saying goes. The soft fabric slips from her creamy shoulders, sloping down her arms, puddling at the rug. Meredith extricates a languorous breath. Her chest heaves. Fire licks flames across her bare flesh.

"Is this stupid?" Meredith mumbles. Perspiration dots her hairline.

Meredith feels perpetually ignorant to even suggest this notion when he doesn't respond. It had been her doing. A couple days ago when they were discussing what was going to happen during their special evening, she stupidly blurts that they gaze at one another. Give each other a _good_ overlook.

Except when her chin lifts and she meets his gaze, love brims the sparkling periwinkles. " **No** , no it's not. You're breathtaking Meredith." Derek whispers. "I could look at you forever."

The hint of a smile quivers at her cheeks.

GA

Derek's wife without a doubt may be the most gorgeous creature he has ever laid eyes on. From the wispy flyaway tendrils at her scalp all the way to her polished purple toes. When he gazed upon Meredith, he saw not even an inch of imperfections. It was the stretch marks at her hips and the fading c-section scars that made her **perfect** in his perspective.

Meredith's irises were a blazing emerald in this light. The candles brought out their flame.

With the distance her freckles melted into her flesh. He was certain once they joined he would be able map out every single mark. Derek relished her cinnamon freckles. So many, he lost track counting one evening after making it to 145. One thing he remembers from before is how much his wife adored the attentiveness to her beauty marks. Derek laved her body in love. To every crease, dent, and corner with his lips, tongue, and fingers as much as humanly possible.

From the looks of it Meredith seemed embarrassed at his appraisal. Perhaps she was sensitive to the notion of his optics glued on her this way. It had been three years since they were together. Their bodies had changed. With Meredith birthing another child and the damages the semi did to his own frame. Things were different certainly. But as he hoped she would do for him, Derek desired to verbally and physically communicate that he loved her body in any shape or fashion.

There were specifics about himself he didn't particular favor. The pudgy scars of his neck were never flattering. He didn't relish the weight he lost. Albeit Derek could push those insecurities aside for his wife. When they were together this way, the world faded around them. The imperfections disappeared because the only importance was the moment. That _magic_ dripping from every pore.

He swallows his pride. In the truest form of, _I'll show you mine if you show me yours,_ Derek discards his dark robe, mimicking his wife's gesture. The initial couple seconds are awkward. It's rather strange to be standing adjacent to each other, completely naked, staring. But it doesn't pry from the primitive objective. This moment is surreal. His wife had been completely right when she suggested they try this.

 _"I saw it in a magazine a couple weeks ago." Meredith sighs, snuggling closer. "It says couples may increase their intimacy by letting each other gaze. It's a form of bonding or whatever."_

 _Derek curls his arm around her shoulder. "So, Like eye sex but we're naked?"_

 _"Yeah, kind of I guess."_

He does feel closer to her. Further attached than he had before this started. "You're pretty breathtaking yourself." Meredith breaks the eternal silence. The smallest of smiles is curving at her expression.

Derek can't help but glance down on himself. He's ready for her. Hard, thick, and pumped full with blood. He was being honest when saying she's breathtaking. Meredith turned him on. His throbbing anatomy full proof of that admission.

Was she as _ready_ for him as he was for her? God, he hopes so.

"How do you want to, um, start this?" It was a ridiculous question. Much of a mood killer. But it couldn't be helped. Not when this was their first time _and_ Meredith's birthday. He felt that she should get to decipher their position.

"Let's at least get to the bed first." Derek nods at her decision. Slowly they ease theirselves onto the mattress, robes forgotten by the floor. He took the liberty of getting the bed ready. Pulling down the sheets and ridding any pillows that their heads didn't sleep on.

They're flush. Face to face in a cornucopia of tangled legs. Her breasts barely brush his pectorals. Her nipples are pointed, ripe, ready to be fondled. Derek's fingers snake around her waist. They land near her spine and he strokes with gracious care. She's ticklish near her tailbone, his ministrations elicit the most exquisite giggle from between her lips.

"Stop it you know that's my ticklish spot." Meredith scolds but her eyes say otherwise. Somewhere deep down his wife enjoys the tiny antics.

He does relocate his hand. This time his fingertips graze her thigh. Derek feels for the indents, curves, crevices. A smile bursts when he feels uneven skin lacing her flesh. It was a tired and true sign that she was indeed a _real_ woman. Not one who hid behind plastic surgeries to correct the details.

"So," Derek murmurs. "Are you into foreplay?" His tone is sultry. Meredith nearly howls with laughter.

"Mm, no but I do like _role playing_ if that's something you'd be interested in." Their noses touch when he laughs at her joke. It's when her toes scrunch over his calve that he shivers.

Derek kisses her temple. Then her cheek. Nose. Lips. "I got a Brazilian just for this." Meredith admits. They kiss again.

"Hmm?" He's lost in the sensation of their open mouthed kisses. She tastes amazing. Sweet and soft. Meredith's mouth is warm and she eagerly entices his welcome with her needy tongue. They tango.

"A wax." Her body heats against his touch. "During my lunch break I left and got a Brazilian wax which I know is dumb and only something Kardashian's and porn stars do but- I wanted one. I wanted to feel sexy for our _date_."

Being a man, he can't help but glance down. Earlier when he was giving her body appraisal, his orbs focused on the perky swell of her breasts and the way her eyes sparkled in the dim light rather than the organ that gave her sexuality. Her confession is confirmed though. His wife traded the carpet for hardwood.

"I think you're sexy always." Derek reminds her. His thumb brushes across her pelvic floor. "But if this makes you feel good, then by all means wax away."

Meredith's eyes roll but she continues their kisses. Derek didn't care whether she was smooth as a baby or forest. He found her at any shape or form beautiful. He adored that she was so unapologetically herself. Meredith being so _Meredith_ just had to affirm that she got a wax on her lady parts because it's never something she would try and hide. A lot of woman relished pretending unruly body hair was non existent to the female silhouette. He remembers the way Addison used to groom herself consistently. He doesn't think he's ever even seen that woman with a hair on her own leg before.

"Missionary." Meredith mewls at his lips. He nearly loses it when her fingers grip his backside. "Let's start slow. Then we can switch with me on top or something else, okay?" She maneuvers her supple mouth to the cleft in his chin, over the jaw, and to the adam's apple bulging in his neck.

Derek exudes a moan of appreciation. "It's your birthday. We do whatever you want." At the count of three, their bodies roll. She's beneath him, panting, glistening in sheen, her locks wild against the pillow. She's so perfect in his eyes.

"Here let me..." Derek reaches to his side. Grabbing an extra pillow. "Lift up for me." He assists his wife in moving her hips, placating the pillow beneath her tush. A sigh of satisfaction elicits from her cavern.

"You remember." Meredith whispers.

This was a trick they used to use. The pillow under her hips gave him a better angle on her channel. He could sift deeper. Their connection was stronger. "How could I forget?"

They share a kilowatt grin. It was happening. This moment was finally here. Derek crouches on his knees to prevent placing an abundance of weight on her chest. He smoothes golden hair stuck to her forehead. His fingers intertwine within her locks. The palms of his hands cup her skull like a personal halo.

Rain starts to patter on the roof. It sets a steady rhythm for them to start. The noise is relaxing as well. "Make love to me. Please." She traces the faint stubble on his jaw with her fingernail. Her tone nothing short of a hoarse whisper.

Derek's nose nudges Meredith's. The mood is subsequently _perfect._ "Happy birthday, beautiful." He announces. "I love you and I'm so happy I get to be here with you now." Emotion clogs his throat. Tears threaten to well but he won't allow the feeling to overpower him. Not now. Not when he's about to make love to his wife on her birthday.

"I love you too." She coos back. The lovers share another kiss. This one slow, lazy, detailed. When their tongues are sheathed, Derek's hands wander down the path of her body. Her skin is soft. His nail traces the freckle by her navel, eliciting the softest of giggles from Meredith's lips.

Derek pries her legs apart. One foot remains firm to the mattress while another brushes his waistline. Her thigh gently presses against his ribcage.

His index finger nudges between her lower set of lips. The sharp gasp she whimpers furls down his spine like a somersault. He circles the digit around her soft flesh there; creating an easy rhythm to accustom her to. She's already plenty moist for his insertion and that brings a sly grin.

Meredith's body shivers and shakes under his ministrations. Already her moans of appreciation fuel his desire to keep at it. The slot between her legs is a slick heat. His fingers slip and slide against her moisture. The purrs eliciting with every breath she makes causes his heart to quicken in beats.

Gently, Derek placates another finger to the mix. The intrusion makes her yelp and writhe. He pushes her folds apart, sliding the middle and index around just the way she enjoys. Derek's fingertips find her G-Spot. One he spent a manifold of hours over the years in search of. "Shh." Derek whispers upon her sweltering skin. His lips meet her jawline, he dabbles several kisses there. "It's okay. You're okay, relax." He asserts after noticing the shortening of her breath. The dissonance slips from her body. Her muscles ease into the sheets and he can feet the tightening of her open womanhood ease away.

Meredith is plenty wet and it's getting more difficult to continue the foreplay when she's so open and ready for him. He listens to her breathing. The inhalation's informing him of when her climax is due. _Soon_ he thinks. His wife will be sky rocketing like tomorrow if he keeps going.

Derek slips his fingers away. Meredith whines. "No." Comes a whisper. "Put it back I-I was so close." Blush spreads across her chest. Derek admires how wound up he managed to get her. With his fingers coated in her elixir, he takes the liberty of cleaning them with his own mouth and tongue. She tastes sweet like honey.

He moves his fingers to her breast. Brushing the pad of his thumb across her perked nipple. Meredith in turn pushes her hand against his own. Their fingers entwine like a woven basket. With their hands migrating across her right breast, Derek takes the liberty of encasing his cavern around the left.

"Ohhh." Comes a shaky moan of desire. He sucks and licks and blows air at the bud, feeling her free hand yank on the curls of his head. He loved undoing her. That for him, and him only, she shed that wall.

He takes the moment when her eyes are clenched and she's off in another galaxy to join their bodies. Inch by inch, his length intrudes her tight channel. Her body adjusts to his girth, stretching to accommodate the newfound muscle inserting itself within. Meredith's body pauses mid arc. Her nails create crescent moons over his shoulder blade. The low moan that drops from her mouth indicates he's done everything right.

"Hi." Meredith managed to peep. She giggles but is cut off by a striving moan.

"Hello." Derek reciprocates the greeting.

"Derek." Meredith whispers into their heat. Their eyes meet. Now they're gazing with intensity. Blue on green. He finds Meredith wildly attractive in this moment. Even with the crazy hair, red nose, and perspiring skin. Three years apart. Finally, they can share this perfect union together. Something he's dreamt of even before the memories flooded back.

"Mer..." Derek pulls a hand from her messy tresses and laces it underneath her thigh. Pulling it forward, now both of her legs circle loose around his back. He can feel her heels digging at his tailbone.

Her gorgeous opening squeezes around his lengthening penis. If she continues the taunting, embarrassingly enough he might come undone right then and there. They fit though. Just as they always have. He pushes forward, as far as her body will allow. The scent of their sex and sweat mingles in the air.

Their lips touch. He entangles his tongue to her cavern in a similar fashion of his hardened muscle to her womanhood. Derek finds an even rhythm with the beats of their hearts and downpour outside. Candles flicker, ever so often giving him flashes of his wife's awestruck stance. They showcase her perpetual freckles. His favorites dot over the bridge of Meredith's nose. Derek's hips roll and she in turn adjusts her hips to meet his thrusting. Often he'll nearly revoke himself completely, only to push back in with quaking force, hitting her cervix every time.

 _In, out, in, out. Pleasure her. Give her. Love her. Make love to her._ His current mantra.

"You feel good." Meredith coos. "So, _so_ good." She squeezes her thighs against his waist. Their snouts brush. His forehead close to hers.

"You too." He replies, a sweet smile forming. Shouts or screams don't permeate this love making session. Their headboard isn't cracking the wall behind them and the box springs don't squeal. But the passion and intimacy is off the charts. He can't remember the last time, before the trauma of his accident occurred, a love making session this intense. A lot of the sex he enjoyed with Meredith was brimmed by hatred and anger. Those were the times they rocked the boat so intensely, picture frames fell off side tables. Derek's prideful that love and companionship created this bond. No drunken one night stands or arguments to be hashed out.

When she constricts him, Derek mewls. He was close but his wife wasn't far behind. For her, penetration could get her off but with he being so sensitive to her body, Derek normally didn't last long enough to get her going. It was his fingers toying with her soaked clit that usually made her soar. He desired they come together. He wanted them to share their first union high and make it all the more special. Gently fumbling with her ripe, rosy nipples. He fondles her breasts like a stress ball between his digits. Meredith whimpers in unbridled pleasure.

"A little higher." Derek whispers to the crease beneath her ear. Meredith follows commands easily, lifting her knees to the space just below Derek's underarms. This time his tempo speeds up, just a tad.

"I-I need-" Meredith never finishes her sentence. But Derek is cognizant with exactly what his wife desires.

Her hips widen for him. They stretch about as far as he thinks they'll go. "I know, I know what you need." His voice laced by panting. With his blood brimmed bone slipping in an out at a rapid speed, Derek pushes the fingers on his right hand back into the cluster of nerves just above her canal.

In soothing circles, her fondles her soaked sexuality. Her pussy quivers at his touch. He feels her opening contract around him, hinting that an orgasm is ready to spiral.

Derek so desperately wants this to be about her. Even when his cock twitches in an attempt to explode deep within her body, an urge overpowers him. With a single swift motion, he dislodges their well working machine. Before Meredith is able to complain about their loss of connection, his mouth lands on her perfect sex. His actions receive a shout of appraisal from his wife. Derek grins against the delicate skin there.

"It's your birthday." Derek murmurs, stroking his tongue down below. "You deserve this. So come undone when you're ready and then I'll finish." The crease of her knee rests at his shoulder. Derek takes his time in French kissing the bundle of heightened nerves. Her drenched clit tastes like them. Their sexuality working together to create something beautiful beyond reality. He uses his fingers to keep her loose folds parted.

"So sweet..." Derek mumbles gruff at her most private spot. Something only he, of all men in this world, may gander at.

His blue eyes quickly shoot up to find her shivering above his head. Both arms lie across her forehead. Her chest pushing and pulling as deep, concentrated breaths exude. "Oooh, I'm close." She scrunches her nose.

His tongue flings against the sensitive bud. The gorgeous pink flesh begins to clench. "Let it go. It'll feel so good I promise." Derek gives her permission to fly away. She, more than anyone he knows including himself, deserves this pleasure. She's been to hell and back these last couple of years. The least he can do is give her a ticket to heaven, even if it only lasts a minutes.

Her body tightens. The feeling of her toes curling around his clavicle is a sure fire sign that an orgasm is taking over. No longer is her mind able to keep the heat or tingling under wraps because his gesture is all too powerful. His mouth and tongue release their hold on her drenched mound. Derek watches the intense high wash her over. She makes a grimace and a gnarly noise escapes.

In the midst of her high, Derek rejoins their bodies for a last hoorah before he pours himself inward. "Holy crap." Meredith gasps, still shaking from her orgasm. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Derek quiets her trembles with his lips. Their tongues duel in tune with his fast paced thrusts. The lip lock is needy. Lips are swollen from their messy kisses.

She too pleases him. With his hands fumbling inside Meredith's slick heat, her fingers grip and fondle with his sack. Derek groans akin to a lion. She's stroking him just the way he likes. They're union is a give and take, just as it always was before.

 _Kissing, loving, trusting._

She's still shaking when he finds his own climax, triggering Meredith to come again. Her name rolls off his tongue like velvet. She too moans his. Derek shoots his seed deep within her depths. They share the express train to cloud nine together. Jumping off that cliff. He keeps her body cradled close. She holds onto him. Their bed disappears beneath them and soon they're free falling. Somewhere beyond this bedroom, their souls lie free.

Tears of joy prick his eyes. Never could he have imagined this moment would happen. Derek loves his wife. He is so in love with her to the point that losing her again would rip him in two. They share a sweet, beautiful kiss coming down from the high. Their skin is slick, coated in their own sweat from the workout they just endured.

Derek finds a home between her breasts. He pants against her mound. Meredith's fingers wrench through his slick raven tresses. His lips lightly pucker and gently print a kiss on her flesh. "I love you." Derek says. His tired muscle slips from her fatigued canal.

"I love you too." She responds.

And then he drifts.

GA

It's Derek's fingers touching her naked shoulder that bring her senses alive. The room is spinning when her eyes crack to slits. Her body is sticky and wet to the touch. A throw is draped across her hips. Her bare breasts sink firm into the mattress.

He smiles at her. A wide grinned smile that reminds her of what happened before she succumbed to sleep. They made love. Beautiful, perfect, wonderful love that made her bones ache and her nether regions tingle. It was her birthday and Derek Shepherd provided the best gift she could have asked for.

"There you are." Derek strokes his thumb over her forehead. He's dressed in casual sweats. A draw string hoodie from Bowdoin encasing his torso. "How was your nap Sleeping Beauty?"

Meredith yawns in response to his question. "Mm, tired." She mumbles.

He chuckles faintly. "I know but there's a surprise waiting for you downstairs and you gotta get up if you want to see it." Even when her brain insists it could sleep for another forty eight hours, she moves against its wishes. The cover shifts from her body, leaving her exposed to the naked eye. She notices the candles remain but their fire is burned out. The bedside lamps illuminate their bedroom.

"How long was I asleep?" She asks.

Derek's rummaging through their dresser. She watches when he plucks a pair of cotton panties, some thick socks, and one of his long sleeved tees. Derek crouches in front of her, motioning that she lift her legs. He pulls her underwear up. "Uh, it's almost nine so maybe an hour and fifteen minutes?"

She grips his shoulder to help him continue the voyage up her thighs. Derek plants a sneaky but soft kiss to her hip. "You didn't sleep with me?" Her arms lift so that he can pull the shirt over her head.

"For like ten minutes. I had to get some stuff done." Meredith pushes on her own socks without his assistance.

She's nearly made it to the bedroom door when the feeling of Derek's left arm circles behind her waist a the bristles of a brush comb gently through her locks. "Your hair is a little... tangled." Physically, she isn't able to see his face but something nips at her he is indeed smirking.

Not that Meredith is complaining. Being pampered this way by her husband was everything she could have asked for. They join hands when her hair doesn't resemble a birds nest any longer. He brings her downstairs and into the kitchen.

The table is set. Two candles lit. Derek broke out the good China and she wants to giggle thinking they're eating on it in pajamas. A bottle of wine and two glasses. Carbonara is the dish served.

Derek pulls out a seat and motions for her to sit. "Did you make this?" Meredith asks softly. She breathes its delicious fragrance in. Her stomach growls. She's famished for food.

"Yes, well I actually had a little help from Link. The man can cook. But anyways, we cooked a test batch earlier in the week and it didn't go well but we tried again and here's the result." Derek mentions, his dimples deep as his smile grows.

Meredith seeps her fork into pasta. Soon it's delicacy is melting on her tastebuds. She moans. "This is so freaking good." Meredith mumbles, mouth brimmed.

Derek leans over the table to wipe bits of sauce from her lip. "I'm glad you like it." Minutes pass with the sounds of Meredith devouring her dinner. Their sex date worked her up an appetite most definitely. Her plate is nearly gone when she looks up to find Derek's barely began eating. She flushes with embarrassment.

"I was hungry." Meredith defends herself, not that she needed to anyways. Her husband has always been vocal about the way he admires the insatiable appetite.

 _You're like, a bottomless garbage disposal._

 _Hey!_

"I'm not judging." He retorts, slipping a longer noodle between his lips. "This is your birthday dinner. Eat all the carbonara you want." Derek flashes her a smirk.

Meredith's heart flutters being cognizant he put this together for her. The entire evening has been nothing but magical. From the first moment she stepped in the house to right now, sitting across from him at their dinner table. Derek made her feel loved in more ways than one tonight.

"I do have a present for you." He interrupts her thoughts. His chair scratches against the floor.

Sipping at her Chardonnay, she says, "You already gave me my gift. Remember, the glowing condoms and the really amazing sex?"

He wiggles his eyebrows at her. "I like to think of those as gifts for the both of us. I know you said not to get anything but you know I can't do that."

A box is planted before her. A navy one with a pretty white bow twisted around it. She unties the ribbon and its strings fall flat to the table. Her heart skips a beat at the boxes contents.

"Before you say anything, this isn't any ordinary ring. I know that you're a simple girl and I get that, we got married on a post-it note. But hear me out." Derek kneels next to her seat. He grabs her hand, entwining their fingers, he squeezes. "It's my mothers ring but I made some adjustments to it. It's not too flashy and I sized it down. Plus if you don't want to wear it on your finger, there's a chain you can put it on. You can also put it on the chain if you do decide to wear it but can't because you know, surgeon and all. I just wanted something more permanent for us than a piece of paper. This way you'll know I'm going to be there, I'm right here with you, always."

Meredith slips the ring from its velvet encasing. The silver glimmers against the candles fire. One, sparkling diamond stands center of the band. "There's something engraved on the inside. That's the special part of the ring."

Everything becomes glossy. Her eyes well with tears. Right there, smack dab in the middle, the words " _This is forever"_ are inscribed.

"Seriously, Meredith if-"

"I want to wear it. On my hand I mean, I don't just want it on my neck I want it on the marriage finger or whatever." She cuts him off mid sentence. She easily slips the ring onto her left hand. "I'll wear it everyday. For the rest of my life. And I'll use the chain when I'm doing surgery because I don't want to go anywhere without it."

It might be the most perfect gift she's ever received. Meredith wasn't typically a woman who gushed over jewelry and the flashier items in life. Materialism was just _things_ in her book. Except this ring her husband had given her was different. This was unlike the ring he primarily tried to give when they were to be wed so many years before. This ring was special because it was **made for her** and her only. Then he went as far to engrave the most meaningful portion of their post-it vows inside the item, making it all the more special.

Meredith cups his cheeks. "I'm never taking it off." They kiss.

"Never?" A sly smirk forms against his cheeks.

"Nope. Not at work, not when I'm doing the dishes, not in the shower, especially not when we're making love." Her tone sprawls into a purr nearing the ending statement of her sentence.

This time he kisses her and shakily lifts himself from the ground. "I'm glad you love it then." He leaves her in solitude at the table. He's rummaging in the fridge for something but she's too entranced by her perfect gift to ask what.

"Okay, last surprise and I promise I'll turn the _McDreamy_ factor off." Derek chuckles. He's holding a round, chocolate buttercream iced cake. There's a single strawberry lying near the edge, surrounding by pretty frosting flowers.

 _Happy Birthday Meredith_ the cake announces in cursive script. A single candle burns. "You got me a cake?" She asks.

"I got you a cake." Derek takes the opportunity to kiss her. He tastes like Italian pasta and moscato. Meredith thinks she could kiss him forever if oxygen wasn't a necessity. "Take a breath woman and then we can play a little." He teases. Immediately her brain jumps to the notion of kitchen table sex.

"Make a wish." Derek adds.

The corniest and most cliche line comes to mind but Meredith couldn't care less. "I don't need to. You made me whole, Derek. Our family is our family again. I don't need to make a wish because I already have it."

"Well, then just wish nothing changes." He strokes back her hair. "Happy birthday, love." Derek is behind her now. His arms loosely wrapped around her neck. With his chin positioned at the top of her head, she glances up. They're eyes meet. She laughs.

"I love you." Meredith whispers. With her hand over his, she leans forward to blow out her candle.

* * *

 **Phew okay, so there's that. I've been writing non-stop this week and I wanted to get this out on Thursday because it's Grey's Anatomy day and I'm sure it'll bring us MerDer lovers sadness and disappointment as it normally does.**

 **I'm trying to create a realistic Meredith and Derek but one that includes all the things the show wouldn't give. The ring is something so important for this story and I will continue to bring it up. Let me know if you guys want Derek to have one! I can totally incorporate that.**

 **I hope you enjoyed the intimate scene between them. I wanted it to be special and I really hate when I read MerDer stories it's just them screaming "Fuck me harder please!" At each other because I feel like the MerDer on the show would never be like that sexually. There will definitely be more in the future, maybe not so graphic or detailed for time sake purposes but there nonetheless.**

 **Also wanted to address I haven't forgotten about Derek's run with PTSD or his therapy they talked about, it is coming guys! Carolyn and the Shepherd sisters are coming full force next chapter. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a thanksgiving themed one but I'm not too sure yet.**

 **This is random but would any of you want to see a Shepherd-Grey family dog? I loved Doc so much and it hurt me when they never wanted to get another pet.**

 **Anyways, enough of the rambling I just wanted to say thank you for the reviews! We are so close to 200 that is like insane to me. This is the most consistent I've ever been with a story and I want to continue at it. Please leave a review they mean the world. I love when you guys give me your full thoughts, opinions, ideas. They are wonderful!**

 **Thank you for reading and I hope you all are having a wonderful day.**


	11. Like Real People Do

**Hi guys! I feel like I should pat myself on the back I've been cranking out these chapters non-stop! I felt like this should be published before the new episode of Grey's airs on Thursday and ruins all of our good moods.**

 **This chapter is a little darker and I'm sorry. I know we all love happy and light MerDer and for the most part I intend to keep it that way in this story. I think someone asked where this was going and basically what I have to say is that I'm undoing all of Shonda and now Krista's wrongs. I haven't forgotten Meredith is dark and twisty and that Derek has PTSD. We are getting to the angst but I feel like we've suffered almost four years without MerDer together, at least let the angst be not toward one another but the world surrounding them.**

 **Before we begin I want to thank everyone who reviewed last chapter! The amount of support I got was lovely I may have to write another steamier chapter in the future (; thank you to Junia Grey, B, Jalinsod, DerekMcDreamyShepherd, TeamMerDer4ever, Lina, Patsy, savannah617, Your fan, whateverwriter, ella423, Pat, 098, Merderfreshair, Leann Nickerson, dempsxys, writer-in-newyork, all of the guests (if you're a guest reviewer leave a name or a user I would love to thank you personally!) all of those who comment on my social media and other outlets too!**

 **I hope you enjoy guys thank you for tuning in!**

* * *

Even in the dim illumination of the on-call room, Derek's wife's ring sparkled. Nearly two weeks since that special evening in the kitchen where he gave her the jewelry and his heart still thumped dramatically when his eyes caught wind of it.

They were spooned, flushed. The pad of Derek's finger raked over her diamond ring, they each glanced together, leaving them awestruck. "Bet you didn't think I would wear it this often, did you?" Merediths voice kills the quiet. Not that he minds any. Listening to her tone is practically music.

To the best of his ability, Derek shakes his head to respond 'no' to her assertion. Entwining their fingers like a basket to follow. "Would you kick my ass if I said no?" He asks with a snort.

"No because you're right to have doubts." She says. "I've never been the flashy, jewelry, sparkly girl anyways. You could barely get me to sign a piece of a paper at a courthouse much less wear a wedding ring."

The big wedding ordeal didn't matter to Derek, even when she teased him that it did. Like she mentioned a multitude of years ago, it wasn't the wedding he was exultant for but the marriage itself. The post-it was a perfect ceremony of their love and devotion to one another. They hadn't needed a church or an extravagant wedding gown. It was only each other that made any of it count. The legal documentation of their marriage was only an added benefit.

Besides, Derek saw what over the top wedding's did to people. He himself being part of the failed marriage club with Addison. Most of his friends who married that way have ended in divorce. He thinks much of Callie and Arizona or Owen and Cristina. Even Ben and Bailey who appeared as the most perfect match were on a break. Seems that his post-it was much stronger in value considering his marriage was still in tact.

"But you did sign it and now look at us." He addresses. Meredith shuffles and mumbles something similar to a _yes_ in response. Derek is cognizant of his wife. He's familiar with her tells, knowing she's lethargic after their quickie. Since the reacquainting sex happened, they were inseparable. Neither could get through the day without a little carnal pleasure. Whether that be in the comfort of their own bed or a storage closet in the hospital.

Speaking of, he practically worked for Grey-Sloan again. Catching a ride with Meredith every morning to be of service to Amelia and Tom. Alex being the current chief of surgery suggested there was a spot for him on the neurosurgical team. He wouldn't be head of the department, Amelia claimed that spot entirely. But he did make it transparent when the holidays ended, his job would be waiting.

Derek didn't mind. Fifteen hour surgeries weren't something he could do anymore. Not with his medical stance, his weak motor function wouldn't allow. Yes, the physical therapy was doing wonders. He felt rejuvenated and his cane was much of a distant memory for the most part but Derek suffered bad days every so often. Over working his legs was a still a big no-no. Keeping them in use for hours straight would be impossible but that wasn't a bother. Not now because there were other factors in his life that overruled his career.

"As much as I'd love to nap with you right now, you have a surgery in half an hour." Derek's lips brush the naked skin of her shoulder. The skin there is smooth and pliable. Her flesh eclipsed by more freckles than the bare eye could comprehend.

Her body rolls. "No, I'm so tired." She complains. It was unlike his wife to deny surgery. Even at her breaking exhaustion levels, Meredith pushed forward. "Sex makes me want to sleep."

A chuckle exerts from his cavern. "Mer, sex makes everyone tired. Come on you can get up."

"No." Comes a grumble. Meredith extends her arm across his hip. Absently, his wife strokes his waist. He in turn strums his fingers down her spine, trickling his pads over every bump and indent.

Leaving the comfort of her supple body to operate used to be a struggle for him as well. Numerous memories flash of times he'd left her behind to resect someone's tumor or halt a bleed. Derek gets the inkling to disregard reality just to stay cuddled in one another's hold. "I'll buy you some coffee. Let's take a walk it'll probably wake you up. I might even sit up in the gallery I have some notes to look through for Amelia."

Surprisingly, it's enough to dissect Meredith from his chest. Cold air meets a sweat slicked chest. He shivers at the disconnect but his discomfort drains when he catches a glimpse of her beautiful naked body. With precision Meredith stretches every limb. The most adorable noises of yawns and groans exude. Derek's tongue wets the lower half of his lips. She's breathtaking. One by one, Meredith pulls on her clothes. First the panties, her navy scrub pants. It humors him when she stops to tie the drawstring before pulling a bra on.

"What?" She asks, midway through looping the tie.

Derek's breath catches in his throat. Something so natural yet gorgeous radiates in this moment. With her golden hair mussed and wild, reverently sloped at her clavicles. The swell of her perky breasts, bouncing with every movement she made. It was her little toes peaking out from the hem of her pants too. This moment in time something only he would ever witness. While it may be minuscule and unimportant to his wife, Derek relishes it.

"Nothing." He quickly defends. "I just, um, you're very pretty." Even in the darkness of the on-call room, Derek can see the twinkle in her irises when he announces her beauty.

Meredith doesn't respond but shoots him a smirk. The intimacy is distorted when her bra is snapped into place and the scrub top dissipates her torso. Derek takes it as a cue to dress himself. They spend the following minutes quietly shifting around each other in search of garments torn away at obscure parts of the area. Meredith can be heard giggling when he snags his boxer briefs from the lamp shade.

"I hope no one touches that." Meredith snickers.

Tugging at the zipper of his jeans, he narrows his eyes. "I'd say anyone who _does_ touch the lamp shade is privileged."

"You're disgusting."

"You like it." Derek counteracts, wiggling both brows.

"Do not!" She scoffs.

"Do too."

"Not!"

"Fighting with you is like arguing with a brick wall, Mer." He straightens the t-shirt over his belly and pectorals. Both Derek and Meredith were ornery beings. Each stubborn as a mule. When they fell on an opinion, it suck. Very little could be done to shift either of them from one side to another unless the circumstances were giant.

Meredith shuffles forward to his space. Her arms shift around his waist and each hand tucks snuggly into his back pockets. "You're just jealous I'm always right."

Maybe he didn't quite agree that his wife was right in every situation, but for now, he'll keep her believing in it. He curls both of his hands around her shoulders. "You are such a bossy woman, you know this right?"

"I think you've told me that a couple times before." It's when Meredith's nose scrunches that nearly sends him off his rocker. God, Derek could not get enough of his gorgeous wife. She was his fresh air.

The aroma of lavender is heavy. It's tang brushes the back of his throat as Derek nudges closer to Meredith's space. His palms soothe her feral hair down, even going as far to securely tuck a strand behind her ear. Their lips nearly touch but the siren of her pager fizzles the moment.

"Saved by the bell?" Meredith frowns. She does however press a soft kiss to his stubbled cheek before pulling her lab coat on.

"Stupid pagers." He grumbles.

Derek straightens the bedding they completely dismantled in their act of love making a half hour earlier and Meredith switches off the lamps.

It's Alex who bumps into them head on after trying to discreetly exit the on-call room without being detected. Of course their plan for privacy fizzles miserably at the sly grin Meredith's friend sports. It's evident what he and Meredith were doing in there wasn't remotely close to catching some shut eye. Considering Meredith's slick skin and his rumpled hair.

Also, Alex Karev being one of if not the highest ranking individual to be cognizant of an on-call rendezvous. "You two getting your freak on here too?" Alex snickers, stuffing his phone into his back pocket.

Meredith rolls her eyes. "It's not like you aren't familiar with on-call room sex." She snorts.

"In fact, I am a grown up now. The chief actually. I don't steam up on-call rooms at work anymore because _that_ is unprofessional." Alex retorts, haughtiness permeating the tone.

Derek clears his throat. "Didn't I see you and Jo coming out of your office the other week all hot and bothered?" He questions. This one elicits laughter from his wife and his subordinate is ridden by a flush of crimson. He technically didn't work for Grey-Sloan as of now anyway, that gave him rights to embarrass the _Chief didn't_ it?

Alex reaches to scratch at his neck. It's evident he's been a child caught with their hand down the cookie jar. A part of him wonders if he'd concocted a lie just to impress Meredith. "Look, it was a one time thing and we'd never done it in the chiefs office before. Not a big deal."

"Right." Meredith says. Her pager disputes the attention toward her. Derek watches Alex's shoulders slack with ease. "Crap, I really have to go. Der, are you still coming up to the gallery to watch or are headed home?"

"I think I'll come and watch you be a badass. I might get Ellis from the daycare and then she can watch her mommy be a superhero too." He leans forward to snag a kiss from her soft lips. She still tastes like _them,_ compliments to the blowjob she performed earlier.

"I'm gonna go." Alex interrupts. "I'd rather not watch McDreamy and Mrs. McDreamy make out in the hospital." Meredith rolls her eyes at her person which triggers a quiet chuckle from Derek. He relishes how unapologetically herself Meredith is. That it's no bother to her if she kisses her husband with reverent fire in the public space of the hospital.

"Come watch my splenectomy you big baby." She grabs Alex's arm. "Sounds way more fun than doing paperwork."

Surprisingly, Alex rejects the offer. "I really would love to Mer, but I _do_ have to fill out all this crappy paperwork. If I finish early I'll stop by." He pats his wife's shoulder softly, then redirects himself to an open elevator.

"I'll see you in a minute, love." Derek informs her when she gazes at him with questioning orbs of whether he would ditch her surgery too.

"Okay, love you." She whispers, showcasing a gentle smile.

He flashes her a similar one back and they part ways. There's a checklist Derek needs to get done before throwing his wife a signature grin through the gallery during her operation. Grab his notes from Amelia, pick up Ellis, maybe a grab a snack because their sex date has left him famished.

His fingers push the "up" arrow of the elevator. Initially, Derek isn't paying attention. His mind is focused on the nurses who flash him smiles and the warm "It's lovely to see you, Dr. Shepherd!" Kind of greetings. He doesn't dismiss their announcement without a single "Hello!" Or a possibly a wave. He found a sour behavior brought negative energy. Except the gentlemen pushing past him figures otherwise.

"Oh, sorry." Derek says, watching as younger physician clambers past him for the elevator.

"Yeah well maybe you shouldn't be all so consumed trying to **flirt** with the nurses around here." His answer doesn't settle well with Derek. He didn't even know this guy, what the hell was his deal?

Choosing to ignore it, he steps over the threshold. The two of them are secluded to the cabin. The younger man is toward the front, far from Derek when he steps to the back. Must be intern or a resident judging by the periwinkle scrub color. Why didn't he recognize him? For the most part, Derek was certain he acquainted himself with most to all of the younger colleagues working at the hospital now. Many of them helping out on his sisters cases. Sometimes Derek followed Amelia during rounds when he got to the hospital early enough. He knew of Schmitt and Helm but not this guy.

Who was he and what the hell was with the deranged attitude?

His hair was dark, similar to the way his own used to look before tinges of gray poked through. They met gazes for barely a second but Derek didn't recognize the darker, hazel irises. He seemed, handsome enough. Maybe some lab tech or a nurse punctured his heart. Perhaps he was another Mark Sloan who screwed anything with legs. Or maybe-

Derek froze. There was no possible way _this_ was him. Something in his lower belly roiled. Derek's blood shifted to something akin to ice. It couldn't be him. Except, Derek didn't know who this was. They'd never met and it was likely this particular guy would seek picking a bone with Derek...

"I'm sorry, have we met before? Did I do something to provoke you?" Derek breaks the brisk silence in referral to his earlier snarky comment.

His elevator companion shifts, facing Derek. "Are you playing dumb or is this seriously something you do?"

"Look, you're the one who gave me the unprofessional commentary about the nurse. So what's your issue?" Derek piques. It's the name tag attached to his coat pocket that provides Derek with the necessary information. It was exactly who he predicted it be. Derek's fingers pinched into the flesh of his palm.

Andrew DeLuca finds Derek gaping at the name tag. A sinister smirk appears. "I guess the cat's out of the bag, isn't it? I'm sure you've heard all about me. DeLuca, the first man your wife _actually_ loved since you."

"My wife didn't love you." Derek addresses rapidly.

Scoffing, the resident moves closer. "I'm sure that's what she told you. But I want you to listen good. A lot of stuff happened when you were off abandoning her and I was one of those things. Don't let her fool you, we had something. She's probably only wearing that ridiculous ring you gave her to make up for the fact a piece of her still wants me."

Derek bites back his lip. "That's not true. I know Meredith she's my fucking wife. If she didn't want me she would have left."

"That's exactly what she should have done! You don't deserve her. When are you going to get that? Don't think I haven't heard about the shit you put her through before escaping. I'm sure that entire story you conjured out of thin air. A three year vacation must be nice from the woman you were having consistent marriage troubles with."

His blood bubbled with cauterizing heat. It was only a matter of time before Derek could picture himself throwing this arrogant ass through the steel doors of the elevator. What right did he think he had to waltz in here and question the structure of his own marriage? It was sickening how much of an ego this guy had on him.

"Let me make something **crystal clear**." Derek growls. "My wife is _my wife._ Not your girlfriend or any attachment to you. You have no idea what I've been through. You have no say whatsoever! Quit threatening her in hallways and beating her down because she chose me and not you. Don't be such a dick because for once something didn't go your way."

DeLuca puckers his lips. Something evil lingered beyond his irises that clenched Derek's gut. "Your honeymoon phase isn't going to last forever. In a couple of weeks she's going to realize how terrible of a person you are. She cares about me. I know she does. She'll get tired of the boring sex and the loveless marriage you're sharing sooner or later. And in a couple of years it'll be **me** waiting at the end of the alter for her, not you."

Something of feral proportions struck Derek. There was no halt to think whether this was a good idea. He saw red. Burning, oozing red everywhere. Maybe it was the notion this piece of ass was even thinking about screwing _his_ wife. Perhaps it was the fear Meredith could leave him if she wanted to. All in all, the tension bubbled like a cauldron within and soon his anger was disputed on DeLuca. The residents back slammed into the steel doors when Derek's palms collided to his chest.

Everything that followed was much of a blur. DeLuca's fist wrung out of thin air, bolstering Derek's left cheekbone. His ribcage slamming against the metal bars outlining the perimeter of the elevator. Something of grizzly proportions must have slipped from his throat.

The beatdown reminded him much of how he pummeled Mark that morning by the nurses station. Ironically, the situation then too revolved around Meredith.

Except now Derek was the victim. He was helpless in DeLuca's act of violence. Derek felt like a coward. It was supposed to be his job to fight back and protect Meredith from harm. Albeit, he was _useless._ Utterly a waste of space in that moment because maybe Derek could rev a threat but he couldn't physically fight back. Not when his body was shambles.

He let the world fall dark around him.

GA

Meredith was in full panic mode. The type that constricted her body to one spot, made her ramble, or eat her hair. Thanksgiving was the one holiday she found herself stressing a manifold over its competitors. For most, Christmas seemed like the anxiety brimmed day for the parents. Oddly enough Meredith had grown to enjoy it, finding it superior to the dreaded Thanksgiving.

This one day in November seemed to take up days of preparation. It was even worse for Meredith because she simply could _not_ cook. No matter how many times her husband stood behind her, whispering saucy directions in her ear, she usually succumbed to kitchen countertop sex rather than preparing anything edible. Although, it didn't matter who was her instructor. Meredith burned or undercooked anything she touched.

Being a mother making dinner every night was a challenge in itself. Making a four course dinner for a boatload of relatives was overkill. This year would involve Derek's family where as the last three hadn't. Amelia never had the type of bond with them the way Derek did, no use in inviting them.

Albeit, with Derek's reappearance it was an occasion to celebrate or maybe just an excuse for Carolyn Shepherd to bring out the entire clan. Before two nights ago however, she wasn't totally dreading the visit. Maybe she sucked at making turkey and didn't know what dressing was but all in all seeing the family seemed almost pleasant.

Except of course the universe was constantly striking karma upon Meredith for reasons she didn't quite know. Her husband was a freaking non-speaking lump with a shiner the size of Texas cascading his left cheek bone. Since the argument he had with DeLuca in the elevator, he's barely spoken more than six words to her. She couldn't decide if the silence stemmed from embarrassment or if DeLuca said something to make him angry at her.

Meredith didn't poke the bear, at least not until their guests left Thanksgiving dinner. She couldn't be the perfect wife and mommy for Carolyn and the Shepherd wolf pack if there was an argument brewing between she and Derek. There'd be obvious tension if he didn't speak though.

"Where the hell is Amelia?!" Meredith barks, doing her best to shove the bird inside a cauterizing oven.

She was a wreck. Still not dressed for tonight. Instead she wore a dirty apron and some yoga pants. No bra in sight so her breasts hurt anytime she ran around the kitchen akin to a mad man. Derek was _supposed_ to be helping. He promised it would be who prepared the dinner. Not. Her. But he was pouting and it was taking every bit of strength she had not to strangle him for it. Amelia promised to help out but she was no where in sight, per-usual.

Alex and Jo hurry over the threshold. His wife carries a bottle of wine and he the pie she asked he bring. A devious grin strokes his cheeks. "You have flour all over your face." Snickers her person.

Meredith sticks up a bird and shoots a fire burning gaze his way. "Alex, I wouldn't prod her." Jo informs. "She's having to do this all alone."

"Where's your dreamy husband?" Alex asks.

She glances to Jo who shoves her foot at his shin. "What the the hell?" He growls.

"Don't bring up Derek." Jo bares through gritted teeth.

"What? Do I have to kick his ass? Mer, should I kick your husbands ass?"

With her lips barely parted to give a response, it's Derek who emerges next. "Who's kicking my ass?" He questions. Derek's tone chipper and a sly smile conforming, Meredith scrunched her brows.

"You because you're not helping Meredith who clearly isn't equipped to cook." Alex intervenes.

Derek undoes the apron around Meredith's waist. Effortlessly he pulls it over her head and dresses himself in the fabric. Underneath the battered apron, he's wearing a soft v-neck sweater and a baby blue oxford, accompanied by jeans and a new pair of loafers he purchased two weeks prior.

"You have some flour on your cheek." Derek coos to her ear and he kisses the skin there.

She's taken back. An hour ago when she went upstairs to ask him if he was hungry, the only response was a something muffled under the sheets. What changed and why was Derek suddenly beaming with joy?

Jo tugs on Alex's sleeve and they exit the kitchen. She wonders if he put a show on for them and would revert to his blanketed stare with only she present.

"Mer, you can't just cook the turkey with nothing on it. This thing has to be seasoned and buttered... crap I don't know if we have enough time to get it done." He examined the turkey she helplessly bought last night. She couldn't figure out which size was right, much less think to buy seasoning for it.

Meredith shoots him a sour expression and envelopes each of her arms across her chest. "What's your deal? If you're just putting on a show because it's Thanksgiving that's not cool. You haven't spoken to me at all since the fight with DeLuca so what's your freaking deal?"

"I'm fine." He answers quick.

"No! You clearly aren't!" At this point she's yelling. Loud enough the kids might hear or Alex and Jo catch wind. She doesn't care. Not when her husband and the man she loves more than anything has been a hollow being over the last two days. A far cry from his usual chatty self.

"Yes I am Meredith! You don't have to dissect everything!" His voice rises an octave. Derek elicits a sigh, reaching for the turkey she poorly prepared. It's tray lands with a thunk on their countertop.

She wipes budding tears away. "I know he said something to you. When I was called in the middle of surgery that you were hurt, it nearly crushed me. All I could think was it's happening again. He got hit by a car or a bus! My husband is gone. And when I had Bailey freaking take over because my mind was running in circles, you didn't even hug me back. They were putting stitches in your side and your face and you couldn't even hug me back! I let you ignore me for the past few days and I started to make dinner without you because I so desperately wanted this first Thanksgiving for you to be good, even after you treated me terribly. So spit it out Derek. Because it's Thanksgiving and it really fucking sucks when you do this to me."

She's still dark and twisty. Those abandonment phobias don't wash away just because he whispers something dreamy in her ear from time to time. She doesn't care if what she's saying bruises his tender ego. Because she too lives constant fear, all the time. It's not just he who suffers nightmares.

"Do you think I like having some younger guy beat me like that? It's not fun Meredith. It actually really sucks when this ass wipe has this snarky attitude and tells me that yeah, you're probably going to leave me for him! Don't you think I hurt to? That I'm petrified you'll leave for him or another man? Why would I want to talk to you when I'm scared the next time I open my mouth you'll be gone?"

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have done anything that would _make_ me want to leave. You don't even get it. You're so full of yourself that you just don't get it. Can it ever just be about me? What **I** need? You're a grown man you can't spend your life pouting because some boyfriend I had told you to." She presses a hand over her taut belly. "You didn't hug me. I had a panic attack in a supply closet because I thought you left me again and you didn't freaking hug me! But I put it aside because your family is coming. Because you're suffering from PTSD. Because I love you! When are you just going to push your crap aside and love me back?!"

"Oh!" He shouts with fury. "I didn't love you when I made love to you on your birthday?! I didn't love you when I gave you that ring? I didn't love you when I travelled back from London to be with you?! Huh, I didn't _love_ you then? When is it ever going to be enough for you Meredith? Our entire relationship has just been about you and what _I_ can do to make it work. You never bend over backwards for me I have to do all the bending."

Meredith's cheeks bubble with heat. "I wasn't even ready to be in a fucking relationship all those years ago but I did it for you! I got married for you! I had children for you! I let you go to DC and get yourself killed! Everything I do revolves around you!"

"Did it revolve around me when you went and fucked that resident? I know you screwed him left and right! Just admit it Meredith. If you weren't hiding something then he wouldn't be threatening me in the elevator that you were going to leave me. Did you actually love him? _Do_ you love him? I'm tired of running in circles around this."

Time stands still. Not in the way it had when Derek embraced her the for the first time two months ago or the way the world stopped spinning when he made beautiful love to her just the other week or even three days ago in the on-call room. It was a dead halt. A lifeless one that tranquilized her.

Meredith refuses to look him in the eye. Not when he's managed to crack her heart in a way only he could do. They'd managed to patch up any tiny argument they fell into after he came back but this seemed astronomical. He just didn't get it. Derek couldn't for the life of him see things through her orbs, even if it be just a moment.

"You don't get to judge me for moving on. You left me alone. Maybe you couldn't help that but don't you **dare** rub it in my face every chance you get. I don't know what went on in that elevator but I do know you pushed him first. Yeah, I talked to him! Maybe that will be enough to send you off to the woods and get you drunk with your baseball bat. Anything for you to draw attention to yourself because everything is about **you**!" Meredith clenches her eyes to a tight squeeze. She's avoiding the flood of tears threatening to puncture the dam.

Thanksgiving was supposed to be different this year. Derek was here and they were going to do the celebration thing with his family. There would be turkey and pumpkin pie! He would snake his hand up her thigh under the table and squeeze. They'd kiss and nuzzle in the corner when no one was watching. Hell, she was even growing jovial about the possibility of cleaning dishes with him bumping her hip ever so often until midnight.

But she was openly crying now. The tension drowned them.

"For the record, even if I did or do love him, that has nothing to do with the fact that sometimes you just have to suck up your pride and hold me when I need you to. If this is how it's going to be for the rest of our marriage then maybe _this_ isn't worth it. I've never mentioned Alice again but she was in love with you back in London. Yet, all the time you bring up DeLuca and I hate it. I hate it because you're so blindsided by that fact to see I am madly in love with you. I don't want to live the rest of my life walking on egg shells around you. I didn't pick a fight earlier because I didn't want you to leave. So all this time you've been shaking with fear I'm going to walk out I too get scared. So thank you, for making me feel like ass on our first Thanksgiving together."

Meredith storms away, refusing to look Alex and Jo in the eye. Her ears purposely tune the sound of Derek calling out her name. Before he's able to hobble behind her, she slams their bedroom door.

This was their first **big** fight since he's returned. How were they going to recover from this in time for dinner in six hours? There was nothing more she dreaded than slapping a phony grin on and playing house with someone

she was furious at.

 _How were they going to come back from this?_

GA

Meredith never re-emerged. Derek opted against chasing her. His brain was cognizant running after her was only cause for her to scream in his face. Not that he wouldn't mind her yelling and stomping, it's what he deserved anyways. But the more rationalized part of him decided giving her space to cool off was the better decision.

She'd made not a peep or none he could hear since leaving. That... concerned him slightly. When Meredith got hysterical, most of the Seattle knew. Whether that be she beating the crap out of him with her purse or breaking into untethered sobs. Maybe she had been crying or screaming into her pillow but even then he thought maybe a muffled noise of some kind would prick his ears.

Nothing.

It was reaching the five hour mark. Some of the longest time they had spent purposely not speaking. Half of him wanted to curl into his own ball and conceal himself from the world except the latter reasoned that it was still Thanksgiving and no one made a single arrangement to cancel. His mother and sisters flew in from New York. It felt, wrong, to decline their invite last minute. Just because he and his wife were going through something didn't mean he would ignore the holiday in all.

Most to all of the dinner was prepared. Baring the turkey, which still needed more time in the oven considering its late start. Jo kindly offered to help but she was almost as useless in the kitchen as Meredith was. Alex was drinking a beer in the living room, he seemed to be on Meredith's side this round. Amelia never showed, she mumbled something about visiting Betty in rehab. He feels like it was just an excuse to ditch their family Thanksgiving and see Owen.

Maggie dropped by for thirty minutes. Pity corroded her chocolate eyes after listening in on the current dilemma. She assisted in the preparation of the macaroni but left the minute the dish hit the oven. She was spending this year with Jackson, Catherine, and Richard.

As five o'clock brushed near and his wife _still_ succumbed to the bedroom, he decided to take matters in his own hands. "I'm going to check on, Mer." Derek informed both Alex and Jo who were cooped on the couch. Alex merely grumbled a response and Jo nodded sympathetically.

He's met with her back. Thankfully the bedroom door is unlocked but the image that meets his vision is the solid plane of her tiny back. She's still dressed in the dirty pajamas coated in Thanksgiving preparation.

When listening to her solid breathing, he can confirm she is far from sleeping. Meredith's breaths in a peaceful slumber are slow and languorous. They're short and choppy in the moment.

"So maybe I'm jealous." Derek manages to croak. Her body never stirs. The only sign indicating she could hear was the pause in her breathing. Derek's heart pounded in agony.

A decade ago it was hard to admit he was jealous of she and Finn. Now, boldly addressing his envy of her relationship with Andrew DeLuca was a bullet to his chest. Derek relished pretending everything surrounding him was perfect. Including himself.

Derek Shepherd never got jealous or flustered or upset. He was Superman in a way. But his wife, one of the seldom people he let in, was cognizant of every real flaw he held. If they were going to move past this bridge he couldn't fuck it up by lying.

He was jealous and that terrified him.

"I know when you say there's nothing to worry about, there isn't anything to worry about. Except that doesn't stop my mind from wandering to dark places. Just thinking about this guy with his hands on you truly pains me. I've never been so mortified thinking of you rolling around in bed with another man than I do right now. Even with Finn it didn't... maybe it's everything we've been through I don't know." Their bedroom door clicks when his fingers twist the lock. This was a private conversation, not something Alex, Jo, and their children should listen in on.

He progresses to her spot on the bed. Derek sits by her feet. "He said you were going to get tired of me. That what we have now isn't going to last. He said shit like it would be _him_ waiting for you at the alter and that I was nothing but a coverup."

A shaky breath exudes. "Mer, I never want you to feel like I don't love you. I love you so much that my heart physically burns when I think there could be a real possibility you might walk out. I shouldn't have pushed him but in that moment I had to. I care about you and our family so, so, **so** much. I love you so much that if you up and told me this was it, I would let you go. Maybe not without a fight but if it would bring you happiness then I would do it. So just tell me, do you love him? Is anything he said in that elevator true."

"You are the first man I ever loved." Meredith whispers. His heart nearly rips from his chest at the sound of her voice. "It was scary. Because before I thought love didn't exist. I figured only idiots fell in love but then you showed up and it might be the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me."

The sheets whisper as her body comes to a seated position. Meredith crawls toward him, lying her head at his shoulder. Somewhere between their heat she finds his hand. She's still wearing the ring. A tear slips down his cheek.

"I gave up a lot to be with you. I know what it's like to be jealous. I watched you parade around with Addison for months and it sucked. But I would do it all over again if it meant you and I would end up together. A person who is in love with another man, wouldn't go through that kind of pain multiple times."

His wife was right. As she normally was, Meredith Grey meant every word she expelled. "I don't want to go through this again. I'm tired of bringing up DeLuca because he doesn't mean anything to me. I'll tell you this one last time; I don't have feelings for him. Maybe it was hot and lusty for a few seconds but the spark we had is nothing in comparison to the fire you and I hold. I don't get goosebumps thinking about him. My stomach doesn't flutter when he's around. I feel the opposite. You are the first and the only man who has ever been able to give me that."

"I'm sorry." Derek chokes. His palm squeezes her petite hand. "I'm sorry for being an ass and for listening to a jackass like that. Everything we've had since I flew into Seattle has been perfect. Being with you again makes me feel complete. I didn't want him to ruin everything. So I was a _McAss_ and fed into his fire like an idiot. And then I hurt you when I didn't speak or hug you back. I'm so sorry I didn't put what you might be thinking into perspective."

"I get it." Whispers his wife. She caresses his cheek, their noses lying proximal. "It's just that the next time you're upset, don't bottle it up because you think you're supposed to be strong for me. I can take it. I get that you're going through some awful shit and it makes you paranoid. Just talk to me. I'll hold your hand any time you want me too. Just please, not only for you but for me, keep me in your realm."

Derek nods at the revelation. She too suffered. Both of them are dark and twisty internally. They needed each other if they were going to make it through this. "Next time something like this happens I'll be there to hug you back. I'll whisper that I'm not going anywhere because this time I'm not. I'm not going to put up walls anymore." He murmurs. Their hands unravel and he puts attention to the silver band on her ring finger. " _This_ is my promise to you. I'll be here from now on to hold _your_ hand too. You are loved Meredith. So, deeply loved. Do you need me to hold your hand? Do you want to talk about the nightmares and the panicking? I'm here."

To his surprise, she shakes her head. "I appreciate that and I know you'll listen to all my rambling, but for right now I don't want to focus on all the crappiness. It's Thanksgiving. I should focus on the good that I have."

"Okay, but I'm not letting it go. We don't keep secrets anymore and we talk it out now. No more hiding behind sex to avoid feelings. You can even come to therapy with me. I'm starting in the new year."

Meredith giggles quietly. "Maybe I will." She whispers. "By the way, when I said I went to talk to DeLuca, I might have gotten him suspended by the board for attacking a superior. They're keeping him under probation for the next month."

"That's so hot." Derek grins. "I have never been more attracted to you."

She giggles briefly, nuzzling her nose against the crevice of his jaw. "Does this mean we can't have really awesome makeup sex anymore because of the whole talking instead of steamy love making thing?"

For the first time in three days, the sparkle glimmered in her iris. Derek relished that gleam more than words would ever depict. "We can still have awesome makeup sex." His tone a throaty growl. What Derek wouldn't do to indulge on a love making session with her right now.

With that blitzing thought in mind, Meredith crawls to straddle him. Their lips touch and she pleads for an entrance. Much of their fight flushes from his brain. It's difficult to think about the bad when her tongue is doing the tango in his cavern. Now all he could think of was his wife in their bed _naked._

"Now?" Meredith purrs.

"What about my mom and sisters-"

His back meets the rumpled bedding. Her fingers snake underneath the cotton of his pullover sweater. He can feel the warmth of her palms through the thin material of the oxford. "I told them not to come until later. I figured we would be done fighting or at least fake it that we're okay. They should be here around 7:30."

Derek slips the tee from Meredith's head. "How did you know I would finish Thanksgiving dinner?" He asks. A grin pricks his lips, focusing on her gorgeous curves in all of their naked glory.

"You're my husband. I just know. Plus you're Derek and holidays mean the world to you."

Their bodies roll, Meredith's thigh jackknifes across his waist. "They don't mean the world to me." Derek assures. " _You_ mean the world to me."

"Cheesy, cheesy man." Meredith giggles.

"You love it."

"I do. I really freaking do."

They let that thought guide them into a passionate round of love making and heal them from the damage of their bitter argument. Derek knows his wife loves him and him only.

And it's enough. Enough to keep him satisfied for the rest of his life.

* * *

 **MerDer sex anyone? :D**

 **Okay but seriously I couldn't just let them argue I mean, hasn't Grey's tortured us enough?**

 **I loved hearing your suggestions on the ring and the dog and I think we are going to do it! Derek maybe could get a ring to symbolize they're in it together as mentioned earlier in the chapter and for the dog, I think Derek, Meredith, and the McKids at a shelter would be interesting. Plus some of you mentioned Finn and a light hearted jealous Derek is what we all need.**

 **I suspended DeLuca partially because I hate him and I don't even want him in the hospital in my story. His plot isn't done but I won't have him ruin MerDer's Christmas and New Year. That being said though the Thanksgiving is happening next chapter and we are finally getting the sisters back! I'm excited to write that.**

 **Please leave your thoughts in a review. I adore them and I love hearing your thoughts. They inspire me to keep writing more. Also, would you guys be interested in me updating Pick Your Poison or possibly creating a MerDer one shots book? Let me know in a review.**

 **Thanks guys, I hope you're having a great Tuesday.**


	12. Knockin' On Heavens Door

**Hey guys, welcome back. This chapter took me forever to crank out. There are so many things I want to touch on that have nothing to do with Thanksgiving so I found it hard to focus. I don't love this chapter but I don't hate it either.**

 **I've been in a weird mood since the episode aired last Thursday. Mostly disappointed and sad which distracted me from writing.**

 **I already have the next chapter in progress. Until then, enjoy this. Leave a review, give me your thoughts and suggestions.**

 **Before we begin I'd like to thank the following; Your Fan, Ie78, Lina, TeamMerDer4Ever, Patsy, dempsxys, Merderfreshair, ella423, Leann Nickerson, Seattlepcrk, 098, Paola1991, all the guests, and reviewers from my social media and other outlets. You're so appreciated and reviews literally make my day.**

 **Enjoy the chapter everyone!**

 **PS any spelling or grammar mistakes are my own. I do not have a beta guys sorry!**

* * *

Could mother in laws smell sex? It was a strange question swooshing around Meredith's brain. She frantically slipped a fancier silk blouse over her head. Drops of dew spotted at her forehead. She was fatigued and the notion of languorous nap seemed more enjoyable than sitting through a painfully awkward dinner.

She was cognizant dissonance would lace this Thanksgiving. Amelia was a no show, not to mention Meredith hasn't seen any of the Shepherd Wolfpack since Derek's _death._

Luckily, Meredith was doubtful any further strains of tension would surround she and Derek. Her heart rate thumps akin to bong thinking of their recent makeup sex. Cavern permeated by saliva, she gulps it back down her esophagus. So they'd gone the distance or however that saying. The distance from their bed to the shower and _back_ to the bed. Meredith forgot how undeniably horny she and Derek got when carnal enjoyment after a brutal argument was. A force eclipsed them and they went from screwing like bunnies to boning like grizzly bears in the wild.

Heat slapped her neck. There was no way none of Derek's family would be able to dismiss the flashing sign she'd been riding him like a bike. There was no time for another shower and the red flush of her cheeks to dissipate.

"You look beautiful." Comes Derek's sweet tone. He's adjusting the collar of his undershirt. It sickens her that men could pull some pants on, comb their hair, and poof! Nothing else ponder over. Except she was dreadfully a woman who needed time pressing makeup on her cheeks and fluffing her tangled tendrils.

"I look like we just had a _lot_ of sex." She grumbles.

Derek's nose presses behind her cranium. His larger snout pounces into the soft splay of gold hair. "You did just have a lot of sex." He's being affectionate, twisting **both** arms firm around the width of her waist.

"I can't have you being porny in front of your mother, Derek." A whining moan slips from her lips. Meredith folds her hands over the skin of his hands. In the time he's been present again, she's taken note of the softer feeling of his flesh. With the vigorous scrub routine for operations subtracted, the dry flakes that used to coat his fingers no longer remain.

"How do I know you won't be porny?" He interjects. Several kisses blanket the space below her lower hairline. Meredith stiffens.

To the best of her ability she's wrapping the tie around her neck to a wonky bow. Derek's ministrations making her mind cottony and uncoordinated. "I can promise you I'm going to be a monotone robot around them, especially Nancy."

"Pft, Nancy likes you, Mer."

She twists in his arms. "Oh? Derek every time we see her she has this smug look on her face. She still thinks I'm the dirty mistress who took the perfect, leggy Addison away."

Derek strokes the fly away hairs from her irises. "Nancy isn't _human_ I wouldn't stress about it." He follows the statement with a light chuckle.

Even if that were true and Meredith Grey could personally attest to that statement, none of it meant she wasn't seeking to showcase a good impression. All of her life, Meredith was never fortunate enough to relish the notion of family. Derek's was the closest she's gotten besides Maggie and Lexie. It was her own wrong doing for shunning them away when Derek _died._ Even thinking about them clenched her heart because they reminded her of what had been stripped away.

This was the first time in almost four years they were all reacquainting. Desperately, she desires to right the wrongs. That couldn't start if Derek's lips were sewn to a crease below her ear.

"Look," He brings his nose forward, touching the very tip of her's with his own. Meredith inhales the familiar scent that is Derek. His fingers apply firm pressure around her elbows. "You kept this family together when I was gone. Mer, you were pregnant and **alone**. You almost died having that little girl. You have proven that you're a worthy surgeon and a wonderful mom to our children. Addison never went through the grief and pain you have. She isn't perfect or anywhere near your realm. What you've overcome is pretty much like freaking Wonder Woman if you ask me. If they even have one cruel word to say I'll set them straight, no questions asked."

It was his words that slackened her tense shoulders. She spent so much time trying to figure out a dance and show to string along around his family that it never occurred being herself was exactly what to do. If his sisters weren't in acceptance of the real Meredith Grey, then screw them to hell, right?

"How do you do that?" Meredith breathes quietly.

"Hmm?"

"The dreamy thing. That thing where you say one thing and I'm calm." Since the moment she'd met him, Derek was able to do that for her. It was unlike any other man _or_ woman she ever met.

"Magic." And his revelation erupts a volcano of fiery giggles from the depths of her throat. God how she loves him. It was the most incredible feeling to simply laugh again. Genuinely be exultant for life without that lingering piece of her heart detached.

"I hate you." She says and strips herself from their comfortable pod.

Running fingers through her tendrils once again, they exit their enclave with fingers intertwined. Jo's melodic tone can be heard from the banister. From the sound of it she's playing with the children. Meredith mouths a silent to prayer to no one in particular they she and Alex were willing to keep the kids company during her filthy escapade with Derek.

It's the knowing stare Alex shoots her that causes blush to cascade her cheeks. Having a best friend who knew her inside and out was not always something she took pride in. Especially when he can dissect her sex life with a simple smirk.

"Are you two good?" Alex asks. With the cock of his brow Meredith is sure he's refereeing to their screaming match from earlier. Not that she can understand for even a moment why he's asking, knowing damn well what she and Derek appeared perpetually relaxed.

"Yes." She says curtly.

Ellis shrieks with euphoria at the appearance of her parents. Meredith nearly comes undone with joy when her daughter dashes from Jo's lap to their proximity. She's thankful Ellis has been able to adapt to Derek's presence rather than reject it. Being a doctor herself meant knowing all the potential side effects of what parental separation did to those of younger ages. Especially in her case because Meredith practically lived through that trauma herself. She credits Ellis' easy transition because of her age.

"Come here love bug." Derek coos. She flinches watching him struggle to bend down and grab the toddler. It smashed her heart thinking how difficult it must be for him with the sustaining injuries. No amount of physical therapy or surgery could dilute his pain completely. Meredith hates that medicine couldn't be the key to all wounds.

Their daughter is dressed in tights and a garnet dress. Her tiny shoes were gone, as well as the matching bow from her head. Ellis was much more rambunctious than she remembers Zola or Bailey being at that age. Their daughter was a lively spirt who saw no boundaries. Ellis reminded Meredith much of Derek in that way. Their was no limit even beyond the sky when it came to those two.

"Did they terrorize you?" Meredith addresses Alex. She crouches to the floor where Jo and her person are seated. She cracks a soft smile witnessing the princess crown decorating his head, similar to the one Derek wore many years ago for Zola.

"I'm wearing a freaking crown, Mer." He snarls. A part of Meredith is insistent he's secretly enjoying the adolescent attention.

Meredith perches her head to Alex's shoulder. The kids are moths to Derek's light. She almost lost this forever.

She grew up without a dad and barely a mother. When he died she felt like her children would suffer the same trauma's she endured. Single parents could always provide more than enough love for their babies. That wasn't _it._ The thing that grappled with her was that her children deserved both, just as every child in the world did, whether that be a mom and a dad or two dads or two moms. But the universe wasn't always black and white in that fashion. People divorced, separated, **died**.

It was nothing shy of a miracle her children were lucky enough to be with their dad again, unlike she who to this day shared a strained relationship with her own.

"I like the princess crown, it adds character." She says.

"I think uncle Alex looks beautiful!" Zola interjects with a sly grin. Alex targets a tight lipped smile her way.

Jo giggles. "Very beautiful." Meredith watches his wife nuzzle her nose beneath his stubbled jaw. Meredith still finds herself in awe that Alex found someone. When they met, she and him were one of a kind. Emotionally stunted individuals who didn't understand love or what it meant.

Strange how a decade could change things. Never would Meredith have thought she'd be here with a husband who loved her and three gorgeous babies. Nonetheless, Alex himself be on that track.

The _ding_ of her doorbell diverts Meredith's attention from their intimate family affair. Something deep in her stomach lurches.

"I'll answer." Derek offers. Meredith mouths a silent thank you. It wasn't his mother that turned her guts to pretzels. It was the curious pack of rabid sisters with perpetual questions.

Meredith didn't do well with sisters. Even after having two of her own, plus Amelia, her relationship with all three has never been perfect. It frightened her Nancy, Kathleen, and Lizzie wouldn't understand why she kept them away in these last few years.

GA

Derek's family could be a palooza. The Shepherd's were a circus that normally strode in loads. He and Amelia were the exceptions, stripping themselves from the stereotype, moving to Seattle and Los Angeles.

Meredith wouldn't admit it publicly but he could infer she was ridden by stress. Her parental and family issues aside, anyone would be frightened by the Shepherd's. There were so many of them. Enough to make up a small country. Derek knew how nerve wracking it could be and he was apart of the family itself.

He prepared himself for the bombardment of curiosity. The endless questions regarding his whereabouts, how he managed, was it terrifying? The same questions he answered on a regular basis to almost all people he encountered these days. Except with his sisters, the normal "I'm doing fine" answer wouldn't fill their hunger.

A picturesque of females behind a distorted glass door was the view in Derek's vision. The scent of fresh pine and Thanksgiving delicacies punctured his nostrils when the door flung open. A chorus of squeals came about to follow.

"Der-bear!" Giggled Lizzie, shoving the glass dish of squash to Nancy's opens palms. Her arms flung around Derek's torso and tightened akin to a screw. "Oh my goodness you really are alive." She breathes against his collar.

Besides Amelia, Lizzie was his second closest sister. Nancy and Kathleen being older only drew a wedge between them. They were in high school by the time he entered fourth grade. Lizzie on the other hand only had two years on him. She'd been the one he communicated with most frequently before his accident too.

Derek squeezes her. Lizzie's houndstooth peacoat prickly to his bare palms when his hands smooth her spine. "I'm here." He confirms, just loud enough for everyone else to catch wind.

"I swear you're so stubborn not even death could take you down." Nancy snorts. They hug next and then Kathleen follows.

"What can I say, I never go down without a fight."

"Tell that to your face." Kathleen says, touching her thumb across the fresh stitching. "This isn't from the accident is it? These stitches look new..."

Derek's blood chills to ice. The last thing he wanted was to bring up the DeLuca situation again, much less do that in front of his sisters. Not for his own sanity in the situation but for Meredith's too. He can bet they won't go easy on her. If they were cognizant she had a steady boyfriend in his absence, none of them would get it. When their father died his mother never moved on. It was likely his sisters would dissect her about it like an open patient on a table.

"Meredith!" Lizzie curves their attention to his wife, making an unassisted appearance. Ellis was cradled in her arms, her tiny head lying at Meredith's shoulder. She skipped nap time. It seemed the Thanksgiving festivities were catching up to her, she appeared drained.

"Hey, Liz." Meredith says quietly, minding Ellis' sleepy presence. He watches his sister's face contort at the sight of his littlest girl. Adoration overpowers her expression immediately. If there was one thing proven it was that Shepherd's adored children, especially when it came to their own blood.

Lizzie's hand finds solace in the soft velvet of his daughter's dress. Her fingers gently touch her tiny vertebrate. Ellis' eyes flutter. "Hi there. Who is this precious angel?"

Meredith wasn't joking when she said there'd been no contact since his death. That made his heart twist slightly. "Ellis." He answers. "This is Ellis, our daughter. She was born after I went away."

Nancy snipes something foul behind him. "Of course she kept a grandchild from us."

"Nancy, please." His mother insists.

Derek's engines rev. He's every bit prepared to let it fly with his sister right now. Yes, maybe Meredith keeping his family in confirmatory wasn't the most wise of decisions but it was how _she_ needed to cope with the situation. He was here now and Meredith was doing her best to let them in again, why did the past matter this much?

But before something sharp elicits, a hand grips his wrist. It's his wife. Her head shakes. They've suffered enough with their earlier argument. Was another brawl what they needed?

"It's Thanksgiving. Nancy can we please just get along for my sake? I haven't seen any of you in three years. We should be celebrating, hugging, crying. Let's not waste our time bickering because life is short and I'm living proof of that. So for the love of God just bring your casserole dish into the kitchen, sit on the couch, and pretend to have fun watching football!"

In hindsight, maybe Derek could have handled that explosion slightly better than anticipated. But it seemed to do the job because soon the Shepherd's were filing from the foyer to their kitchen. He's unsure if any of his sisters have ever been to this house besides Amelia of course. Lizzie stayed at the Dream House during her visit years ago after donating the nerve for him. Nancy popped in at the trailer years ago...

He still blushes at the memory of his sister sitting cross legged on his bed just after he finished his shower.

 _Hello stranger._

 _God, Nancy!_

Meredith excused herself to put Ellis down for at least an hour. Dinner wouldn't be ready until then or longer at the rate the turkey was going. Not that it mattered, his mother prepared more than enough hors d'oeuvres to keep them from getting famished until then. He could spot Kathleen eyeing his cut like a passing car wreck. No matter how terrifying, she couldn't disrupt her attention.

"Kath." Derek sighs. The knife he'd been using to chop celery and carrots as a snack for the kids fell with a clank on the cutting board. His sister peered at him with large, wondering irises. Nancy, Lizzie, and his mom were all filed in the living room, chatting with Alex and Jo over Meredith being the minister at their wedding. That left the two of them in solitude.

"You don't have to tell me, you know. It's just kind of an eyesore. Did you fall? Or did something happen between you and..."

He felt sick. Disoriented that his own flesh and blood would even suggest his wife did that to him. Derek could put up with the crap Nancy gave them about their relationship but Kathleen too? That was stretching it.

"Meredith and I are doing great. She would never lay a hand on me and I wouldn't lay one on her. You're _sick_ for even thinking like that." He snaps. These days he felt overly protective of her and their marriage. People wanted to pick apart that things were easily going to crumble, DeLuca being one of them, and that cauterized the blood in his veins. His near death experience has brought them closer whether people believed that or they didn't.

His sister planted a hand over her abdomen. "That's not- I'm sorry." She addresses quick. "I didn't mean to imply Meredith would ever abuse you. That mark just looks like one that came from a fist and I couldn't begin to wonder who would have it out for you."

"Meredith might yell but she would never do that. I don't care what my face looked like to you, it's not your place to infer my own wife would hurt me. There are plenty of people in the "I Hate Derek Shepherd" fan club but my wife isn't one of them. We have our fights but we work it out like we always do." He says, gripping at the countertop.

That was the beauty of their partnership. When they were in a constant battle over his brain mapping project, the universe wouldn't allow them to quit. They loved each other too much. Even in the worst of fights, Meredith and Derek found each other always.

A sigh drips from his sister. She folds her arms over the plane of her chest. Apologies lace her bright cerulean orbs. "I'm sorry. I know you love her very much." Kathleen whispers.

"I do." He smiles. "I really do. She's the light of my life. When my memory came back and I was on that plane, I don't think I've ever been happier. Knowing that I was going to see my wife again was something wonderful. I thank God everyday that I'm with her."

"I'm glad you found her Der, really." She nods and reaches for his hand.

They stand in comfortable silence for the passing moments. Derek really did give his gratitude to the big guy up above now more than ever. His mother was religious growing up and he attended church with she and the rest of his sisters as asked. But life got the best of him and he stopped going on his own free will. He's giving a new outlook on fait lately though. Meredith wasn't the slightest bit religious and he respected her choice. But that didn't mean he couldn't pour in a little effort on his half. There had to be something up there cranking out miracles or else he wouldn't be here right now.

Sometimes the world worked beyond medicine and the choices doctors made and he was learning to appreciate that. So Derek sent out a silent prayer every night after his wife fell into a deep slumber because it's what you do when you survive what he has.

"Who is apart of the "I Hate Derek Shepherd" fan club then?" She asks in referral of his injury. His cheeks reddened. Derek felt ridiculously spieling this stemmed from a jealous disagreement with a _boyfriend_ of Meredith's. Andrew DeLuca hadn't deserved any of Derek's time yet he fed into his trap like a bird to feeder.

"You can't say anything to ma or Nancy and Liz." Derek cocks his head.

Kathleen scrunches her brow. "I'm sure they've noticed the mark, Derek."

"No, not that. You can't talk about why I got it or who gave it to me." His eyes narrow.

"What? Why not? Der, what's going on?"

Derek grabs a fistful of her sheer blouse. Yanking his sister into the laundry room in fear someone might eavesdrop on their conversation from the kitchen. She whines when he unintentionally pinches her skin.

"For Meredith's benefit, you can't say anything to them. They would feast on her like angry wolves and I just... she's been through hell." He pleads with her. Not exclusively an oral beg but expression wise as well.

Kathleen freezes. "What does Meredith have to do with the shit being knocked out of you Derek?"

"It was her boyfriend." He breathes. "Her _ex-boyfriend._ "

The vibe shifts briskly. Kathleen's lip twitches seeming as if she wanted to express something but opted against. This is what he feared. None of his sisters would understand. Their beady, judgmental gazes already burned beyond his retinas.

"I don't understand." She finally sighs.

"What is there not to understand?"

Her lips purse. The swell of her chest multiplying as she inhaled deeply. "Why would you be fighting a boyfriend of Meredith's from years ago. Was it that vet she dated?"

"No, Kath. She had a boyfriend when I was gone. There was a disagreement and it spiraled a little." He says.

Derek doesn't appreciate the unanimated look crossing her optics. "She was cheating on you?"

"Kathleen, no! I wasn't here I was supposed to be dead."

"But she moved on." Kathleen clarifies. "And clearly enough to the point that you're fist fighting him."

Derek taps his fingers against the metal of the dryer. "Don't do that." He reciprocates.

"Do what?"

" _That!_ Your thing. The thing you and everyone else does. You're judging my wife for moving on." It was no surprise to him. All the Shepherd sisters followed strict beliefs and normally anyone who differentiated should be exiled. Meredith was unlike any spouse in the family. Not only because he was the sole male figure with a _wife_ but because the husbands of his sisters plodded after them like mindless drones. Meredith marched to her own beat.

"I'm not judging her Derek. I just think it's a little soon she had such a serious boyfriend." She defends her earlier statement. Splotches of blush cascade her now rosy cheeks. Kathleen is evidently embarrassed but won't admit it for anything. Just like himself, the Shepherd sisters were ornery beings.

This is what he wanted to avoid. Any further conversation about DeLuca and the maturity of his relationship with Meredith. Derek could barely wrap his head around it enough to keep his own bare hands off the guy, there was a shallow chance his siblings would comprehend peacefully.

"They weren't serious." Comes a low growl. "She didn't love him nor ever will. You have no idea about anything that's gone on here!" His time rises an octave.

Kathleen steps back. "I'm sorry I just assumed it was a lovers quarrel or something because you clearly seem agitated about it!" bulges her bright eyes. They're wide like saucers.

"They weren't and you don't have the full story anyways."

"It's okay if you are, Der-"

"I'm not agitated! _You're_ the only thing making me agitated." He sneers, disrupting her sentence.

Silence permeates the space. His sisters expression softens. Kathleen clears her throat. "Derek, she moved on from you and was in a seemingly serious relationship. It's _okay_ if that hurts. I couldn't even imagine what dad would have thought if mom had done that."

Kathleen reeling their father into the equation doesn't mix evenly with Derek. Yes, it might have been strange and probably upsetting if his mother ever did find love again but if she wanted to that was **her** choice. People died and it didn't mean those who loved and lost were forced to put their lives on pause too.

"Meredith isn't mom. You and everyone else in this family just try and judge her for any and everything! Why is it okay for you to find someone else after leaving Bryan but it's not okay for Meredith to have _maybe_ wanted a companion after I **died**. You're acting like she chose him over me. I know you're old fashioned like Nancy but this is ridiculous." He addresses the issue upfront.

"That's different." She sighs.

"No, it isn't different!" Derek barks. "You're just as bad as Nancy is. Her ex-boyfriend is the one who started the fight with me so I pushed him and he fought back harder. Meredith and I have already spent the entire day arguing about it but we've talked and I want to move on. Why don't you come find me after you've realized how cynical what you've just divulged really is."

Derek leaves Kathleen in dumbfounded solitude. She doesn't scatter after him in the usual way she did. When they were kids, Kathleen being the oldest meant she quite often took charge. Controlling dilemma's was icing on the cake for her. Memories flooded back when it was Kathleen pestering him about the girl in biology he had a crush on. Sometimes she stalked him in the older sister fashion that threatened he tell her if he slipped and stole a few beers from the convenient store with Mark or mom would be involved.

That's how it always had been. Kathleen ruling every situation available. It was **her** way or no one's way. Derek refuses to give her the satisfaction this time. He made the primitive mistake of confiding about the stitches in his left cheek. Divulging any further intimate details of his marriage and private life might do him in.

Luckily no one seems to have heard his dispute with Kathleen back in the laundry room. He's especially grateful Meredith's attention was averted deep in conversation with Lizzie. Sparking another fight with his wife was top three on last things he yearned to do.

"Everything okay?" Meredith asks, her tone gentle and laced with reassurance. She being the only to catch his change in demeanor causes a change in heart rhythm. Derek's vessel thrums a tinge faster.

He files through the clot of people brimming their living room and adjusts next to Meredith on the couch. He pulls Bailey into his lap and encircles an arm across her petite shoulders. "Yes, I am now."

Meredith doesn't respond. Something in her eye jabs at him that she's flooded with curiosity by the statement. Nonetheless, she too creeps a hand down below by his waist line.

GA

Meredith's teeth hurt. Her cheeks were sore and the crevices of her lip were beginning to crust. It was the smiling. The overly excessive grins she sprouted any and every time a Shepherd sister questioned her. She wasn't comfortable around them in the way she hoped to be by now. Their shiny grins burned her corneas. It was the perky bounce in their step revving Meredith's nerves.

She's been with every sister separately and that was _okay_ in smaller doses. But the entire family brimming her own home was almost enough to send her into cardiac arrest. It was odd that all three of them were eerily similar. Ironic how Amelia was the exact opposite of their optimistic tune. Even with Derek Meredith notices the little similarities. Yes, he was different and easier to communicate to, but deep down that man was pure Shepherd.

In a way it made her insides bubble with warmth. That even when Derek could move across country and diminish himself from the Shepherd clan for over a decade, he was still with them at heart.

That didn't demise an obvious dissonance between her husband and Kathleen. Something went down in the kitchen. A hunch in her gut says it has something to do with her. Maybe she got curious about the protruding sign of wreckage on his cheek.

Carolyn was assisting in table preparation. The kitchen table wasn't long enough to seat everyone for dinner. Meredith broke out the dining room she **never** put to use. A film of dust layered the top half. She was crimson when Carolyn left to fetch a cloth and some dusting spray.

Of course the older woman made no fuss over the predicament. Much of the time Carolyn turns her head at any point Meredith feels like a failure. The Shepherd's did that to her quite often. They were brilliant at being mothers and wives where as all these years later, she's still just getting the hang of it all. She does her best to reassure that the Shepherd's were not normal human beings. Much like herself there was an abundance of people in this world struggling to be good parents or companions.

Meredith wasn't in solitude but felt isolated to her own crappy island whenever they popped in.

"If you keep smiling like that your lips may fall off, dear." Carolyn piques.

Meredith's attention adverts to the elder woman. "What?"

She planks the pumpkin pie smack dab in the center. Carolyn struts toward Meredith's proximity. A soothing caress presses to her shoulder. Her heat radiates beyond the fabric of Meredith's blouse. "Oh sweetheart, you don't have to put on the grin for me or them."

Meredith blinks. "I-I wasn't."

"I know they can be a handful and a little intimidating. Just ease into a little more. No one is judging, we're a family." Carolyn assures.

"Tell that to Nancy." Meredith sighs following a pitiful chuckle.

Carolyn scoffs at the statement. She watches her head shake. "Oh goodness don't mind Nancy she's always a little off her rocker." She placates matching plates around the tables circumference.

Meredith is behind, lining forks, knives, spoons, and napkins folded in perfect triangles, next to the decorative plates. "No it's okay I deserve all the backhanded comments. I kept you all away when Derek died and that's something I should have never done."

"Honey don't beat yourself up about it. It's not a one way street. I missed my own daughters wedding that doesn't exactly make me an excellent mother." Carolyn says. "You were grieving. People grieve in different ways."

"If I'm not being too intrusive, did you shut people out when, Mr. Shepherd passed..." it was a loaded question. Immediately she tended, regretting the decision to ask about Carolyn's dead husband. But they were similar in that sense. The loves of their life had gone without fight. Except Meredith's was back and hers never returned.

Carolyn never got a miracle dream.

"No, not intrusive." She smiles sadly. "I shut everyone out. For weeks I couldn't even come out of the bedroom. Derek too charge, he um, became man of the house. Even if he wasn't the eldest. He just felt like it was his job to take care of us all."

"Derek's like that. He's all about protecting." Meredith agrees.

She nods. "Yes, he took care of me as I'm sure your friends did for you." Carolyn addresses in association to Alex.

"I do have my village." Meredith giggles. "But my village wasn't the same when Derek was gone. I know you understand about the grieving thing but you should have been here with the kids. That wasn't fair to them and I'm so sorry."

Carolyn takes this opportunity to encase Meredith in a warm embrace. "We're here now aren't we? That's a start dear."

"Definitely a start." She smiles.

They untangle and finish setting the table in comfortable silence. Jovial laughter rings from the living room. Meredith silent mouths a thank you that no one was ripping another's head off.

"Table is set!" Carolyn shouts. The dining room fills almost immediately. Alex and Jo sit next to each other near the far left. Zola, Bailey, and Ellis follow. The Shepherd sisters plus Carolyn are at the opposite side of the table. Meredith and Derek take the head seats.

"Alright everyone, join hands so we can say grace." Carolyn smiles sweetly.

Derek coughs and nudges his mother. They exchange a glance. "Ma." He whispers softly. It has to be about the prayer thing. Meredith wasn't religious but knew Derek and his family were. That wasn't a big deal. Not for her anyways. If holding hands and talking to a man was something that gave them peace of mind then she could play along.

"It's fine." Meredith interjects. "Come on, hold hands with Aunt Jo and daddy." She addresses Zola and Ellis. "Bails, hold your sisters."

The children follow without question. Jo reaches for Alex's hand, whispering something in his ear. "Only doing it for, Mer." She can hear Alex mumble. It takes every ounce of strength she has to keep from flashing a prominent grin.

Meredith grips Alex's other hand and she reaches for Lizzie's too.

"Dear, Heavenly Father," Carolyn starts. "We want to thank you for this wonderful meal on Thanksgiving. We are so very grateful for everything you have given us. Especially so for bringing our Derek back to us. We are so very appreciative. Amen."

 _"Amen"_ a chorus of echoes chime. Alex shoots her a scrunched contortion but she only shrugs with a sly smile. Her attention splits to Derek who appears exultant by the events. If it brings him solace she would mimic a silly prayer whenever.

She's halfway through her macaroni when Nancy breaks the silence. "Derek, are you heading back to work?"

"Uh yes, I'm hoping when the first of the year comes. It's not a main priority though I have plenty going on here. Plus Meredith is doing so well, I wouldn't want to take that from her." Derek admits.

"You _both_ can't be doing well in your careers?" She asks, judgement squabbling within her snarky comment.

Meredith cleared her throat. "No we can. He just means that with the accident it prevents him from doing longer surgeries."

"Mer, you don't have to cover for me. She's right my body physically wouldn't allow me to put that kind of strain on it but I had my moment in the spotlight for many years. Our relationship was rocky because of it and ultimately me trying to put my career first is what pried us apart for three years. So no Nancy, I don't care if I'm on top."

Meredith nearly chokes on her green beans. A strange and somewhat awkward silence planks the dinning table. He stood up for her in front of the rabid Shepherd wolf pack and that was brave in her book. Something she personally was too much of a coward to do initially.

"Meredith won a Harper Avery- well Catherine Fox award. She's brilliant and all of you need to realize that. I'm so proud of her." Their eyes meet. From separate ends of the table and it nearly takes her heart from the confines of her chest. Derek being proud was different type of love. She never needed her mother's approval, her father's, even her friends in the past.

But having Derek's, that meant the universe and beyond.

"We are _all_ proud of you, sweetheart. Congratulations." Carolyn speaks.

She seemed to genuinely care for Meredith and her wellbeing. Unlike Ellis who completely diluted Meredith's existence more than half of the time in her life. For a while she found herself fighting the urge to let Derek's mother in. Because really Meredith had no notion of what a mom truly was. Albeit, she did desire bettering her actions. Welcoming the Shepherd's with open arms was the right track.

"Meredith and I are actually working on a mini-livers project. It's what got got her nominated for the award." Jo beams.

Lizzie perks. "Ooh! Tell us more about that. How fascinating. Der, your wife is _way_ cooler than you." His sister teases. Derek's eyes roll but its playful rather than bothered by the commentary.

Jo's voice blurs against Meredith's eardrums. The world crumbles around her when she and her husband lock gazes again. It was a miracle he was here. Spending Thanksgiving with her again.

The evening panned out quickly. When dinner finished everyone was stuffed to the brim and migrated from table to sofa. Alex and Jo skipped out early to grab a couple drinks from the Emerald City bar. Kathleen scurried next, avoiding anyone and everyone from conversation.

Ellis was sleeping in her husbands lap, Bailey and Zola resting on either sides of him in the oversized arm chair. He seemed lethargic himself, fluttering his lids every few seconds. The ending segments of football flickered on the television. Not that anyone was paying attention now.

"I think we are going to head out for the night." Carolyn murmurs, soft enough to keep from waking the children.

Derek groans in an effort to disperse Ellis from his body to couch. Meredith halts him. "Sit with her. I'll walk them out." She leans forward to press a gentle kiss to his soft curls.

She pads to the foyer. "This was a wonderful Thanksgiving, Mer." Lizzie speaks. "Seriously, I would love to do another family holiday sometime soon."

"Thanks, maybe we could come down to New York for Christmas this year." She says.

"Oh I would love that!" Lizzie hugs her and they share a soft goodbye.

Nancy and Meredith exchange an awkward glance. She doesn't think she'll ever get along with that woman in any lifetime.

Carolyn is last. "You deserve a drink, Meredith. You just survived a Shepherd Thanksgiving."

She chortles at the comment. It was nice knowing even Carolyn understood what a handful they were. "Maybe I'll pour Derek and I some wine after the kids are down."

"It's good to have romance in your life. Soak it up Meredith. Always try and make time to be alone. Connect. Have a lot of sex and never leave without saying an 'I love you' because no one knows when it might be your last. Live in the moment."

Her cheeks flush with burning heat. "Okay, romance, sex, love. Got it."

"Good. Tell Derek I love him and the children also when they wake up."

Before she can ask Carolyn to stay and bellow a soft parting, the woman is gone.

Meredith reverts her attention back to the living area. She's ready to assist in bedtime duty but the picture before her is a work of art.

All three children curled into Derek's frame. They're sleeping, her husband included. Biting back her lip, Meredith slowly untangles Bailey from his arm. Situating between the armrest and his torso, she nuzzles close. Bailey readjusts to her lap. Meredith reaches over for Zola's hand. Unconsciously her husband curls an arm around her.

It was a perfect way to end their first Thanksgiving together since his return. Meredith couldn't remember a time she had been this happy.

* * *

 **Sigh, MerDer family cuddles make me fuzzy on the inside.**

 **I wish I could have added more but my brain won't allow it. I physically could not work on this chapter anymore. Every idea I have is for upcoming ones.**

 **I didn't just drop the Kathleen storyline. I feel like she's the only Shepherd sister we know nothing about. She'll be staying in Seattle for a few chapters. I also mentioned some things about Derek's faith and I'm curious if you guys want me to touch deeper on that.**

 **I'm pretty sure next chapter is the one I'm bringing in Thatcher so stay tuned!**

 **Thank you for the support everyone, I appreciate it tremendously! Review and let me know your thoughts.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	13. You and Me

**Welcome back! This chapter is out sooner than expected because I got depressed thinking about Grey's and what it is now.**

 **I saw on twitter Krista Vernoff wasn't consistent with a storyline on Grey's and then basically said she didn't care about what the fans wanted. How classless? I really try and be consistent with this story and give you guys everything you ask for. I love you and your feedback is why this story flourishes.**

 **There is a section rated M. I needed it because I think Meredith might be having sex next episode and I feel physically ill thinking about it.**

 **Also, some of you have been asking why I don't touch base on some of the other characters plot lines. The blunt answer is that this is a MerDer story. This is based off season 15 so their plotlines don't change that much other than maybe Amelia. I want to go with something for her that I think the show is about to touch on but I wanna go ahead and do. If it's any hint, I don't care for Owen Hunt and think Amelia deserves better than that.**

 **Give me your thoughts, review, comment, etc.**

 **I would like to thank the following for the reviews; Lina, MerDerfreshair, Your Fan, Paola1991, , TeamMerDerForever, Patsy, carolinelee, dempsxys, Leann Nickerson, all the guests, and reviews on my Instagram and other outlets. You are appreciated and heard.**

 **Thanks again and enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

"No freaking way!" Derek hears Link practically squealing beside him. They're trailblazing through an intense crowd of colleagues bustling in the main lobby of Grey-Sloan memorial. Derek's partially listening to Link yap his ear off. The other side of his brain is busy focusing on tying the drawstrings of his scrub pants.

It was a strange feeling to be back in scrubs. Every time he'd been at the hospital since October, Derek wore his street attire. Today marked a different motion.

Catherine Fox was being operated on. The big bold cancer she was fighting would meet its fait today and Amelia _insisted_ he be here for the ride. No, he couldn't stand in on the whole thing. A chair might be implemented to the operating room for he to take a mandatory break from time to time. His sister says he can jump in at any moment he wants and that brought a sly grin to his cheeks.

Now, he was on his way to grab a light lunch and the ferryboat scrub-cap Meredith promised to bring by. She was off today but swore she would come by with the children and sit in the gallery for a bit.

Except his stomach's hunger would be prolonged because Link couldn't keep his excitement locked in. "It's not a big deal, I don't even know if I'm going to say yes." Derek retorts, finishing the bow on his drawstrings.

They aren't convulsing about the upcoming surgery but instead the medical magazine contacting him for a cover story. Annals Of America: Neurosurgery was seeking to do a piece on him after his whirlwind return from the _dead_ three months ago. He was on the cover once. Many years ago after the Shepherd-Grey method went viral.

But that was different.

Derek felt like he accomplished something of importance to grasp the front page of a medical magazine. Now, what had he done to deserve a a spot there? He gets the spot is mostly because of his name and what it means in the surgical realm. It's just a fact he was well known but did that really grip him a cover page when there were people out there finding medical miracles everyday?

Meredith insisted it was a brilliant idea. Maybe she taunted him about the photo shoot they wanted but all in all thought the world cognizant of his return would be a good thing.

He couldn't see eye to eye. There was no magic potion involved. His death was a mistake by all means. Why did it matter?

Meredith and now Link didn't see it this way. Link found it as an opportunity to come clean about the _struggles_ and _hardships_ he went through to be here. He claims Derek is some kind of hero for fighting against the worlds will to keep him away.

"What?" Link halts his movements. He grabs at Derek's arm, stopping him from his voyage to the cafeteria. "Are you insane? The Annals Of America is a huge deal. Only the best of the best get in that magazine and they want you to be the cover."

"I've already been on a magazine cover I don't need another one." He's being humble. This thing Derek's trying where the spotlight doesn't leave a. Perpetual glimmer over his head. So far he was enjoying the low key status. A magazine cover would bring up questions he didn't want to answer and a flood of attention he wasn't seeking. That's what brought dissonance to his marriage.

Derek wanting to brain map and be higher up on the surgical scale than his wife is exactly why they were separated for three years. Even if this article has nothing to do with surgical innovation, he's timid it might spark something lodged deep down in his gut. A feeling he wishes to repress until the end of time.

Link folds his arms. "You're just bluffing. Everyone wants a magazine cover. You're Derek Shepherd!"

"Do you always have to bring that fact into any conversation we have?" He sighs, turning away from his new friend.

Link catches up to him but Derek doesn't stop his journey to grab some breakfast. "I'm sorry but you're a living legend. You did something incredible and you fought like hell to be here. That's award worthy in my opinion. You don't _have_ to let the nonsense get to your head but I think it's a good idea. Just think about it maybe ."

He found the infatuation Link had with Derek's legacy amusing in a way. He was actually a nice guy and it didn't hurt that this man was virtually a _fanboy_ to him either. The support was refreshing to be friends with someone that really supported him. He feels a lot of his prior friendships were laced by bitter tension and people who thought of him as an overly perfect freak.

Derek was flawed and he wanted people to see that. And when he did fuck up everyone trashed on him for it. Why was it okay for 'Person A' to do one thing but bad when Derek did?

"Maybe." Derek concludes. "I'm just enjoying this mellow life right now. I like getting out of here early to spend time with my kids. Tucking Ellis in every night, giving Bailey a bath, and wearing a princess crown for Zola are more rewarding than a sixteen hour surgery. It was nice to have that platform years ago but being a father and a good husband is my top priority."

Link nods. He fiddles with his thumbs. "That being said." Derek says. "It's not out of the picture. It might be nice to vent a little about my trauma. Maybe it could shed light on other victims with similar situations to mine."

"It could be good for you. Meredith told me you're having some trouble, please don't get mad She was rambling and it slipped out, but I think talking about it could help you." Link quirks a small smile.

"Me too. I'm supposed to start talk therapy after New Years. I've never done something like that before which kind of scares the shit out of me." Derek chuckles quietly. "But I want help. I need it anyways. Not just for me but for Meredith and the kids."

His friend presses a hand to his shoulder tight and firm. Link gives a good squeeze. "That's great man. I'm glad that you're here. Not just because I admire you and your work but for Meredith too. When we first met she just looked so down all the time and I swear now all she does is smile."

Derek's heartstrings tightened knowing of his wife's misery. She suffered an endless pain because of **him**. She didn't deserve that trauma either. Derek would give anything to bring her happiness.

"I love her smile so much and her giggle is just infectious. Being able to do that for her might be the best gift ever. Seeing her smile everyday is everything."

Link's grin crescendoes to something large and goofy. His teeth pop out and the dimples lining his cheeks dip inward at the growth of his smile. "You two are couple goals, really. I thought the chief and Jo were adorable but you two might take the cake."

Derek's blushing at the admission. "Thank you. We try." He chuckles.

"I want to find someone as amazing as Meredith." He admits.

Derek smirks. "Well you can't have Meredith because she's literally one of a kind. But I know someone good is out there and they're waiting for you. Just broaden your horizons a little you might be surprised."

Their conversation is cut short by the sound of Meredith groaning. "Ah, there's the sound of my lovely wife coming this way." Derek snorts to Link.

Their attention splits to the scene unfolding between Richard and Meredith. She seems agitated by something he said to her. It reminds him almost of a parent telling their child _no_ she's pouting at the answer. Derek snickers.

"Meredith, he doesn't have much time left." Argues Richard. Derek and link move closer to catch an earful of the ongoing argument.

"That's not my issue. Why should I visit him when he clearly never cared to come visit me in the last seven years!" She snarls. Meredith soon acknowledges Derek's presence. He watches her flush was seeming embarrassment he caught her in a flustered moment.

"Crap, hi." Meredith gulps. Her eyes bug and soon she's rummaging through her small purse. "I have it! I have the scrub-cap. I know I was supposed to be here earlier but there was traffic and I decided to wash it. Then I got hungry and ate a really good granola bar." She rambles but weirdly the excess jumble of words soothe him.

Derek plants his palm to her clavicle. The tension in her muscles seeps away seamlessly. "Hey, calm down." He asserts in a soothing voice.

Meredith's shoulder's are lax now. The contortion of her brows eases away. She elicits a languorous sigh. "Sorry." Comes a warbled apology. "I'm a little in over my head today." She admits.

Derek leans forward and kisses her temple. It's burning but not feverishly. The type of hot skin that erupts when someone is heated by an argument. "What's going on and who doesn't have much time left?" Link interrupts the softer moment between Derek and his wife. He shoots bulging optics at Link in an attempt to physically tell him bringing this issue up was a no-go.

Of course, his friend was rather oblivious to the warning signs and proceeded to stand, foot tapping and arms enveloped, patiently awaiting a response. "Meredith won't visit her father." Richard sighs.

Meredith's now shooting Richard the similar dagger eyes he gave to Link. This was a sensitive topic Derek was cognizant of. She told him about Thatcher's diagnosis a couple weeks ago. When Meredith asked his opinion regarding the right decision, he was at a loss for words.

His own father and Thatcher were nothing alike in the slightest. The last thing Derek wanted was to pressure or decide for her. _But_ if this was _him_ in a situation akin, he would choose to visit, even if it went south. He was all about closure. Finding perspective and coming full circle were his favorite things. Something nudged him Meredith may regret not seeing him if Thatcher passed.

"I shouldn't have to." She hisses. "Should I have to Derek?"

Suddenly his wife is gaping at him with big, _agree with me or I might make you sleep on the sofa tonight,_ eyes. Link makes a face behind Richard. One that reads **yikes** in a hundred different flavors.

He feels trapped. The wrong answer might send him to the dog house. "Uh-"

"He has acute myeloid leukemia! Meredith, you need to think about this rationally." Richard cuts Derek off before he can muster a reply. Secretly he's grateful, honestly unsure of what he might have said anyways.

Meredith groans. "I am being rational. He hasn't been my dad in a long time. Seeing him would only bring bad memories. I'm finally happy! For the first time in a long time I'm happy. I want to watch my husband scrub in on a life changing surgery, not go to a nursing home and be hostile all day."

His mouth never meant to open and divulge its following sentence. In fact Derek full intended on staying quiet. "I'll go with you to see Thatcher." Derek blurts. Richard and Link shoot him an odd stare. He replies with a rapid shrug of the shoulders.

"What?" Meredith snaps her head back to Derek.

"I can go with you. I'm not needed for the surgery, Mer. I can't operate not right now. I know Amy said I can but I'm not ready to do that yet. Let me go with you. I'll be your support system. You know how much I don't want to fight but I think seeing him could be good for you. Meredith, he might really die. If you have something to get off your chest, even if it's bad, do it now." Derek grabs her slender hand. Of course being there for Catherine's surgery was important. But nothing was as important as his wife and what she needed. This was their new start. Finding closure with Thatcher might not be too dreary after all.

His wife blinks. Confusion is widespread over her expression. "You've been looking forward to this surgery since you got here. Derek you haven't cut in-"

"I know I haven't cut in a long time. But I don't have the itch to cut right now. Not when I'm nervous as fucking hell and my wife clearly needs time. I would rather miss Catherine's operation to be with you. Mer, please."

Guilt rids her gorgeous green optics. She seems unwilling to admit it but he's cognizant she's grateful he's doing this for her. Derek would never want Meredith to go about this alone. No surgery was more important than his family. "Are you sure?" She squeaks.

His fingers smooth over the flyaway hairs of her forehead. Derek cups her cheeks. "More than anything. Let me get changed and then we can go." She nods and he releases the hold he has on her.

Richard mouths a silent "Thank you" in Derek's direction. He wasn't doing this for older man. He was doing this for his Meredith's benefit only. It was apparent Richard was seeking some kind of relationship repair between Meredith and Thatcher but in Derek's mind that seemed unlikely. His wife was stubborn and who could blame her for captivating these emotions toward her father when he's done absolutely nothing but treat her terribly. He was prepared for the kicking, screaming, and arguing that would take place with Thatcher.

GA

Gravel crunches beneath the tires of Meredith's silver Lexus. Silence stretches when the ignition cuts. Derek's holding her hand, as he did for much of the ride out here. She doesn't think there will ever come time she'd get tired of this gesture. His fingers entwined with hers was lulling. A sense of calmness washed her frame.

Her back presses to the leather car seat. Her legs never move. She can't quite remove herself from the vehicle. Something urges Meredith to stay put.

"Are we moving?" Derek's voice plucks her eardrum. She shifts to face him and their eyes meet.

"Would it be wrong if we just stayed here all day?" Meredith whispers, squeezing their connected fingers.

Her husband showcases a sad smile. Leaning forward, he kisses her cheek, nuzzling his nose there for a few seconds to follow. "Mer, if you're genuinely uncomfortable, we don't have to do this. We can go home and I'll buy you some strawberry ice cream." He offers and chuckles softly.

"We should go in." She admits. "But when it's over can we just go home and be alone for a while? We haven't even gone in yet and I know this is going to take the wind out of me."

Derek reaches for her left hand too. His fingers stroke the shiny diamond positioned there. "We can take a really hot shower and I'll feed you grilled cheese for dinner." His grin is kilowatt. Meredith did relish a good grilled cheese sandwich.

"Can you put Swiss cheese on it?"

"I'll put any cheese you want." They share a giggle. Without Derek Meredith's unsure if she would have made it here. A part of her thinks his rationality is what keeps her stubbornness from overpowering.

"Mmm, now I'm hungry." She says.

Her husband snorts. "Thatcher first, grilled cheese shower later."

"Can we just eat grilled cheese in the shower?"

Meredith divulges.

"Let's get out the car first."

Meredith exerts a longer breath. Pressing a hand over her naval, she makes a stride to Derek's side and they lock hands again. This entire situation was weird for her. There'd been no communication with Thatcher since Lexie's death. She didn't know where he'd gone or what he was up to in these last seven years.

The last thing she wanted was to be sucked in. Completely brain washed or manipulated by Thatcher into submitting to his plead of forgiveness so easily.

She and her husband migrate up the slew of stairs. Her finger hovers by the doorbell, unsure if she should ring it or leave it be. "Mer?" Derek's voice captivates her. She finds his gaze transfixed on her.

"I'm going to ring it." Meredith defends but deep down her gut screams not to. The old Meredith might have ran and never looked back. The last time she remembers herself in a situation like this one she slept with George and cried during sex. Derek was still with Addison and Meredith's heart belonged to him.

But this was different. He was _her_ husband now. Derek was here. She was stronger than before. Thatcher wouldn't get the best of her this time.

Sprinting into the fire, she presses her finger to the buzzer. A ring sets off. The couple awaits an answer.

"Just take a deep breath. You are so strong and brave. If you can survive the last three years, you'll survive this." He comforts her delicately.

Her only response is a simple nod. Derek's right. She's lived through a freaking plane crash, she could slog through this.

A darker skinned male comes into view. He's dressed in green scrubs. He opens the glass paned door.

"Hi, I'm Mer-"

"Meredith?" The man cuts her short. She's baffled. How did he know her name?

"Yeah." She concludes. "And this is my husband, Derek." Meredith motions a hand to him. He shoots a tiny smile to the stranger. His hand secretly squeezes hers.

"Sorry, you look just like your picture. You're the surgeon, right?"

Her lips part. Coherency is lost. "Yeah." Meredith manages to choke.

"Do you guys want to come in?" The door pushes open further and he steps aside. His hand gestures to the entryway.

She isn't quite sure if she _really_ wants to or not. Was turning back still an option. "That's a loaded question." Meredith nervously chuckles. Nonetheless, she and Derek enter the home.

"Not sure if he's awake." Says the man. "He sleeps more and more these days than you can imagine. Can I get you something? Water? _Gin?_ "

Meredith and Derek laugh. She wants to divulge gin isn't really her thing. She's more of a tequila kind of girl. Maybe if he offered some of the harder stuff she might have accepted.

The male leads them through a shallow corridor and into the next room. "Thatcher." He calls. "You have some visitors."

A leather recliner squeaks as it turns. A blanket draped over the back. Derek shifts his hand from hers and relocates around her shoulders. He keeps her close, squeezing her body in a slight side embrace.

"Meredith!" A haggard but delighted greeting pops out from Thatcher's cavern. "Hi."

"Hi." She reciprocates, circling an arm around his waist.

"Hey, Thatcher." Derek quietly adds.

Thatcher's expression suddenly tightens. Confusion wipes his gaze. "I'm sorry, Meredith I think I could be hallucinating. Maybe I'm closer to death than I thought, I'm seeing dead people."

Her stomach drops. He was referring to Derek. How did Thatcher know Derek passed? "Derek isn't dead." Meredith replies through gritted teeth.

"I'm going to leave you three to it. If you need anything, just call." Thatcher's nurse escapes before the tension thickens. She rolls her eyes, luckily no one catching the action.

"I-I went to the funeral." Thatcher admits. "You were there."

Meredith shuffles from her husbands grip. She leaves him standing alone near the window to make a beeline for her _father's_ chair. "No, why would you say something like that?" Her blood cauterizes like a burning flame.

"Because it's the truth Meredith. Richard told me Derek died. I bought a ticket. I flew all day, all night. I got to the funeral just in time. I stood a few rows back, next to some of your doctor friends from the hospital." He says.

Meredith swallows hard and slow. "I would remember if you were at his funeral."

"I was there Meredith but you were barely there. You were a ghost. You looked like me when I lost Susan and Lexie."

She's flabbergasted. Her own father showed to her husbands _funeral_ and didn't even have enough courage to say hello? "Are you saying you came to the funeral and didn't speak to me?"

Thatcher sighs. "I-I felt like it would have been for me, not for you. But even with all that said, I was there. Derek is dead they buried him. What do you mean he isn't?"

Meredith's a burning cauldron. She wants to wrap her fingers around his neck and squeeze. The Hippocratic Oath refrains her from doing so unfortunately. She turns to Derek who was still patiently standing behind them. Meredith bites back her lip.

"There was a mix up." Derek speaks. "It's a long story but I was switched with someone else. I was in a coma for a while and then woke up in England with no recollection of who I was. I suffered retrograde amnesia until my memory came back on a plane home three months ago. I've been here ever since."

Meredith exhales. Mouthing a silent bellow of gratitude to her husband for speaking up. His irises shine at her. They swaddle her tight and keep her safe from Thatcher's wrath.

"I had no idea. I'm sorry." Thatcher whispers.

"Yeah well you should be. If you would have stuck around for Meredith then maybe you would know." His snarl makes Meredith's heart erratic. She expected him to keep the peace. Except he was sticking up for her. Telling her no good daddy where to shove it.

Derek cares about her. The only one for a long while who has.

Thatcher remains a pod of silence. Derek takes a spot next to Meredith and he reaches for her hand. The left hand showcasing her new flashy ring. He strokes the pad of his thumb across their symbol.

"You're right I'm sorry." Meredith's speechless to hear an apology. Maybe death did that to people. Egos washed away and the pleas of forgiveness ran inward.

She rebukes his statement with no reply. Meredith refuses to accept so easily. Thatcher _hurt_ her. For all of Meredith's life she never knew what a real parent could be. Her own mother neglected her. Her father walked out and never turned back. It was never relevant Ellis was a stone cold witch who kept Meredith away, Thatcher didn't fight tooth and nail for her. He was all too awestruck by his new family.

"I'm glad that you stopped by Meredith. I don't have much time left. I found closure with Molly and I wanted to find it with you too." Thatcher sighs.

Now that was a name she had not heard since... since maybe back when Addison still lived in Seattle. Strange that Meredith and Lexie were able to form a bond but she and Molly were practically strangers.

"I don't get it." Meredith husks. "If you wanted closure why have you never tried to contact me over the last seven years. You've missed practically everything. I remember you saying we could try the family thing but it never happened. I have three children. You've missed their entire lives." Tears glisten in her green eyes. She's enraged with herself this even clogs her with emotion. Why did he have this type of power over her?

"I-I wasn't here. After Lexie died I needed to get away. A better person. I needed to become someone better than I was."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Derek barks. Meredith presses her nose into his sleeve.

Thatcher clears his throat. "Um, I was doing volunteer work. All around the world. Building schools for underprivileged kids. I came back when I was diagnosed with AML. I wanted to do something good, put something _good_ into the world after doing so much harm."

His response didn't slacken the slash in her heart. In fact, it made her ache worse. Bile collected in her throat. "So you left the states to go help other people and improve _their_ lives? Do you even understand how long I waited for you to maybe want to be in mine? Lexie passing was supposed to be a way for us to get closer. I gave you chance after chance and still... You still choose the latter over me."

"Meredith I wouldn't have been any good for you." Thatcher says. He grips the arms of his recliner.

"No! NO! You don't get to say that. Nothing you say will make it okay that you were never there. Time after time you gave up on me. I used to put all the blame on myself. Maybe **I** was defective. Maybe **I** was incapable of love. Maybe **I** didn't deserve a dad. But now I know. I'm not incapable of anything. I have a husband who loves me. I have three children that love me. I have a two sisters and a best friend that love me! I never needed you." Tears collect at her corneas. She's hot faced. Her insides burn.

"Meredith, it was too late. I would have done more harm than good. You and I were never going to have the relationship Lexie and I had-" Thatcher completely stops. His expression shifts. "That's not what I meant."

"Then why the hell am I here right now? Why would you fucking call Richard and ask that I come see you?" She questions. Her tone brimmed by demands.

Thatcher leans forward. "I wanted some kind of closure with you. Before I go I just wanted to say I was sorry for how you'd been treated. I couldn't die peacefully knowing you and I weren't on the same page."

Her stomach lurches. Vomit. That's what she wants to do. This meeting was never for _her._ It was for Thatcher to escape with a clear conscience. This had never been about them repairing what's been tattered.

"Well let me make it crystal clear to you that we will never be on the same page. I chose to come here, not really knowing what to expect, instead of watching my husband who's been missing for three years operate for the first time since! I can't believe I thought we were going to just fix this. You don't care about me or my children." She strokes a larger tear from her boiling cheeks.

Why has she listened to Richard? What good had that done her? Virtually none at all.

"Meredith." Thatcher croaks. "Please, lets be rational about this I don't have much time."

"I'm glad for you. I'm glad you saw sunsets and built schools for people who needed them and you stayed sober. You went and got a whole new life. Halfway across the world this time. But you didn't give a damn about the people you left behind." She comes to a stand, adjusting the strap of her satchel on her shoulder. "You only came back because you got sick. You didn't come to see me. I'm sure you even called _Molly_ long before you called me. I'm not going to waste my time making amends with someone who never wanted me in the first place. I hope you enjoy these last couple weeks. But don't drag me into them because you feel guilty."

Meredith grips her husbands hand, dragging him from the ottoman they were sitting on to the exit. He keeps his arm secure around her waist. His lips to her crown. She fights back salty tears.

Their stride fizzles when she turns. "I never needed you, by the way. Maybe Ellis was a crappy mom but she was still there some of the time. And her aside, I have an entire _village_ of people who care about me now. Blood doesn't make you family. It's what you have in your heart. So maybe Thatcher, instead of trying to patch things up with your _blood_ relatives, do it with those who actually meant something to you in your lifetime. Because you're right, you don't have a lot of time left." Meredith gazes upon her husband. His ocean eyes dazzling in the low light. "Life is so short. Soak up every minute you have left. Goodbye, Thatcher."

They leave without a single glance backward.

GA

Derek hears the beat of their shower come to life. Meredith's clothes are haphazardly strewn over the rug but he can't find the strength to be annoyed at her messy attributes now. She's hurting. Which in turn causes him to hurt.

The meeting with Thatcher went horribly. He figured there would be a great deal of yelling. Maybe some nasty slurs thrown here and there. But it didn't occur to him Thatcher would be using Meredith as a pawn to humanize his horrid actions. God, he's pissed at himself. How could Derek be this naive? He believed that maybe by some stroke of luck, Meredith could make amends with her own father.

Ha! Cute.

Perhaps Meredith was right. Fairytales and happy endings don't actually happen in real life. It's bullshit. The universe was a twisted creation.

Meredith kept silent the entire ride home. Both opted heading to the hospital was a dangerous move. Seclusion was what they sought out and that would have been extraordinarily difficult at work. She spent much of their afternoon curled on the couch. Derek didn't prod. Not even a single pester to open her up.

He did sit with her. At one point his wife had fallen asleep, her head lying on his lap. In those few hours she slumbered, he mindlessly flipped through channels. Derek did manage to surprise her with a loaded grilled cheese when she awoke. It was the watery grin she supplied that tore his heart in half, though.

She was showering now. Cleansing herself of the horrid memories from today. He promised to hop in and join her after cleaning the kitchen.

Following her cluttered gesture, Derek's clothes warm the floor rather than his silhouette. Naked as the day he was born, he struts over the lip of the tub. His arms instinctively curl at her waist. Meredith's spine plunges against his chest. The water turns her highlights dark. Beads slope down her shoulders and thighs. His chin rests atop her clavicle.

"Are you okay?" It was the first time he asked since coming home that day. "Be honest. I can take your dark and twisty."

Meredith snorted tiredly at his joke. "I thought we were both dark and twisty?" She questions.

"Mmm, yes. But right now you're dark and twisty-er." His lips find softer skin under her jawline. He kisses. Once, twice, three times.

"You're making it hard to be dark and twisty-er when you're doing _that_." She hiccups. Meredith's body stiffens in his arms. The pattern of her breathing shifts. She's aroused.

Sex to demise her pain sounded divine. Many occasions in their past life he would do that for her. George's death comes to mind. When Lexie passed too, Meredith sought sexual healing. He's more than delighted to give that now. Escape the enclave of their shower and love his wife in their bed. And they _could_ but communication was primitive this time. Meredith wasn't okay. What Thatcher did felt criminal.

His thumb finds her raspberry buds. He flicks the sensitive bead. "I'm trying to make you feel better. But seriously, are you going to be alright?"

Meredith fixes her hand atop of Derek's. Their fingers twine. "I'm not so much mad that he's been absent. I'm angry that he used me today. I stupidly thought maybe Thatcher really wanted to be sorry on his own free will. But he was only doing it to save himself from hell."

"Mer..." Derek's fingers comb her damp tendrils.

She leans her head into him. Her nose nudges his chin. She twists in his arms. "I'm not lonely. I don't need him in my life to validate anything. I know I'm loved. That you love me, Amelia, Maggie, Alex, they love me. Cristina loves me all the way from Zürich. Our children love me. Your mom loves me. I'm not loveless. I just felt disgusted when he tried to mend stuff for his benefit."

"You are _so_ loved." Derek murmurs to her forehead. "Thatcher deserves to rot in hell for how he's treated you. It sucks because he doesn't know what he's missed out on. All these years he could have gotten to know how perfect you are."

She chuckles. Her finger swirls the hair dusting his chest. "Pft, I'm not perfect. Maybe that's why he stayed away."

Derek's hands creep to hold her cheeks. "Knowing you has been the most amazing experience of my life. You're perfectly imperfect. I wouldn't trade finding you for anything in this world. Thatcher is a coward. He never deserved you anyways. You had nothing to do with why he was gone. You deserved so much more than you got."

"I never got a childhood." Meredith gasps. "He didn't fight for me. I was helpless and for so long I blamed that on myself. I thought I wasn't capable of love. For so long he ruined me. My mother ruined me. I had one night stands that never wanted to get to know me. They just _left_ the next morning. Then you came along. Damnit you were so annoying!" She laughs through tears. Derek joins her. They're crying and chortling akin to Hollywood celebrities melting down on national television.

"I'm sorry." He embraces her.

Their laughter dies. The noise of shower rain pouncing against the basin dissipates any following sounds. "Thank you for loving me. For being the first person to ever really love me. It's because of you I know now that it was never me. It was my parents and everyone in between. I'm not loveless."

"No, you are not loveless." Derek agrees. "Thank you for letting me love you."

They clean each other silently. Derek strums the loofa down Meredith's back, leaving a soap brimmed residue along her vertebrae. He shivers and tingles when her hands fumble at his waistline. Kisses are shared. Messy ones they leave their noses red and lips swollen. The fragrance of lavender permeates the smaller shower. His wife's conditioner. Goose layers her bare skin when he pushes her up against freezing tile. Meredith's moans drown under the showers pound. Wordlessly he asks permission to love her.

She reciprocates with a choppy _yes._

The events that follow come as much of a blur. They'd yet to do this. Carnal pleasure in the shower. Most of their experiences since he'd come home were exclusive to their bed.

Their hands join and rise up and over Meredith's head. Her leg rises and adjusts secure around his waist. Meredith's heel jabs at his backside. The incline of their love making is incredulously slow. Derek's intrusion elicits the most gorgeous of whimpers from her lips. Her nails clobber Derek's shoulder blade. His lower cheeks clench with every powerful thrust he makes.

 _In, out, in, out._

Her walls deliciously squeeze him. She's moist. Their sex combines and swirls in the air surrounding them. Derek grunts in an attempt to lift her off the ground. It requires a higher dose of upper arm strength but the angle is divine. He hits her cervix with each thrust to her gorgeous core. Their lips meet in a frenzy.

"You are loved." Derek is breathless at her cavern. "So loved..."

Somewhere in the thick heat of their partnership, Meredith's hands toy with his sack. Derek elicits something ferocious. When her nails lightly comb the sensitive flesh it nearly sends him over the edge. He mimics her motion, sinking his digits into the smoldering heat of her external nerves. Pushing beyond the layered folds, he strokes, circles, fondles. They share a passionate moan of desire. Derek's head dives low, latching his lips and tongue to a ripe nipple. She whines and begs his name.

"Derek." Meredith chokes. "Please." Her womanhood tightens with every contraction. His muscle pulses. Arousal zips and zines. Her skin is supple. She tastes delicious on his tongue. Salty and sweet. Everything about her was perfection. Imperfectly flawless. He was **so** in love with her.

She climaxes in all spots. Her orgasm reaching from head to toe. Meredith's center pulses and twitches against his fingers and hardened cock. She's soaked to the brim. She writhes. Her body shakes. A crimson flush eclipses all of her skin. Her brow scrunches. Breaths are tight.

It's Meredith's high that triggers his own. He finally comes at the tail end of hers. She's still flailing as his seed coats her interior. Meredith sags. Losing her footing, Derek keeps her upright.

They continue their intense session in their bed, hopelessly succumbing to sleep after the third or possibly fourth climax.

He finds consciousness first. Meredith's completely conked by his side. Poor thing. He knew her fatigue had little to do with their games and much to do with the mental strain of the day.

Derek exits their bed, grabs a pair of clean boxers, some jeans and makes a beeline to the kitchen. His stomach is growling. He forgot to whip something up for himself after conjuring his wife's four cheese sandwich earlier.

He's nearly finished spreading a thin layer of low fat mayo on his wheat bread when the noise of tiny feet brim his ears. "Daddy!" Comes a chorus of cherubic tones. He's whispering a silent thank you that he pulled on a sweatshirt from the laundry room a couple minutes earlier. Ellis and Bailey slam into his legs. Zola comes next, tall enough to reach his waist.

"Hi guys! How was school?" He asks. Amelia pops into view next.

"I got owie." Ellis whimpers, pointing to her knees.

"She fell off the slide. Her teacher said she cried a little at first but was a total champ when they put the rubbing alcohol on." Amelia winks, taking a seat at the island.

Derek cuts his sandwich in half. "Thank you for picking them up after the surgery." He whispers. Leaning down, he grabs Ellis and situates her on the countertop. Her chubby knees are swathed in large bandages. Cotton pokes out from the interior.

"Were you brave?" Derek whispers to Ellis, tickling her tiny tummy. She shrieks with laughter.

"Yep, daddy. Me and you now both gots' owies." His daughter says in referral to the many scars of his exposed skin.

He grins. "We are survivors. All of us are. Remember when Bails fell down the stairs a couple weeks ago and when ZoZo wrecked her bike into the bush?"

"Aunty Amelia had an entire tumor removed." His sister interjects, a snide smirk stretched.

Derek playfully rolls his eyes. "Yes and aunty Amelia underwent surgery not too long ago."

"I'm also a hero because I saved a legends life today."

"Cool!" Zola squeals. "I wanna be a surgeon one day! A brain one like you guys."

"You're a couple years away from that, Zo." Derek says. "And how did that go? Was everything alright, I'm sorry I couldn't be there it's just-"

Amelia reaches for half of his sandwich. He watches her sink her teeth for a larger bite. "Mm, don't worry about it. I know Mer needed to fight her daddy issues or whatever. But it went _amazing._ Well not at first it was kind of terrifying."

Derek chuckles. "Which technique did you end up using?"

"Not to swell your ego, but we ended up using yours. It was the only one that gave us any clarity. So thanks."

"What's an ego?" Bailey asks, reaching for a plain Lays potato chip on the counter.

Amelia ends up handing the boy a handful and his eyes spark in delight. "Something your daddy has too much of." She smirks.

"She's got that right." Meredith appears by the entrance. She's dressed in casual jeans and a cotton turtleneck.

Radiant is the first thought to pop in Derek's head when he thinks of her.

He chooses not to further the subject of his ego. Instead keeping his mouth shut with the delicacy of his sandwich. "What happened here?" Meredith asks, her tone gentle in reference to Ellis.

Their daughter reaches for Meredith instinctively. She in turn holds, nuzzles, and kisses the girl. He finds her to be an amazing mother to their three babies. The devoted love and attention she supplies is astounding. It feels like yesterday his wife was apprehensive of having kids. That lingering fear she would be no good as a mom.

Boy had Meredith proven that theory wrong.

"Accident on the playground. Elle was a little champion though. Only a _few_ tears." Derek says with a smile.

"Wow! Can you believe how brave your sister is?" Meredith says to Zola and Bailey. They giggle in response.

"Do I get pize' for bein' brave?" Ellis asks with big doe like irises.

Meredith strokes her finger over their daughter's thigh. She kisses her forehead. "Hmm, what do you want love bug?"

"Puppy!" She claps in delight. Derek watches Meredith's expression turn. This was a delicate topic that's been on the table since he arrived. Meredith informed him about the ongoing issue since _before_ he'd been here too.

Being surgeons meant animals were difficult to care for. Long hours at work and an uncoordinated schedule. It was the main excuse Meredith and Derek has used in the past when Zola wanted a puppy and then Bailey to follow.

Except now Derek technically wouldn't be in the OR for a bit. Plus, he spent much of his time at home. He had always been a dog fan. Someone who relished the furry animal more than life itself. When Doc passed many years ago it crushed him. Just another reason Derek refused another, guilt of possibly replacing he and Meredith sacred dog.

But, it never hurt to look, did it?

GA

She was going to murder Derek. Physically grab her sharpest ten blade and cut his carotid without mercy because somehow or another he managed to get her into his cushy cayenne and take her to a shelter for dogs.

Maybe if Thatcher hadn't burned her in every aspect possible earlier that day, her willpower might have been strong enough to deny this option. But as it was, Meredith was a lump of sadness and sappy hormones. Combined with notion of her littlest daughter falling off the slide _and_ her center still tingling from the romantic love making she encountered with Derek, there was high chance she'd be inclined to say yes to anything.

Meredith relished dogs. From early childhood all she ever wanted was a dog. Ellis Grey would have never allowed animals in her home and by the time she was old enough to keep one on her own, time crept away from her. College Meredith was too busy partying and boning random frat boys.

Doc had been her first and last dog.

Some days she found herself thinking of him more than others. Never could Meredith find the strength to adopt another one after him. She felt like maybe that would be metaphorically _cheating_ on Doc if that even made any sense.

She didn't want to be that mom. The one who denied her children of everything she missed out on. Her sole mission in life was to ensure Zola, Bailey, and Ellis experienced all of the good and none of the bad she did.

So maybe that could be large chunk of the reasoning behind her current stance. Derek held her hand, she held Zola's, Ellis held onto her sisters, and Bailey held Derek's. The Shepherd-Grey's triumphed through the shelter, goofy grins lacing the children's cheeks. Even Derek wore a giddy grin.

Meredith was doing all that she could to repress one of her own. The goal was to remain strong. _Put on a brave face Grey!_ The plan was to look and do only that.

A red haired girl in her early twenties showed them around. She pointed at various dogs who _needed a good home_ and listed their name.

"Mama, 'ook!" Ellis' pudgy finger pointed at a baby golden retriever. The puppy couldn't be more than a couple weeks old, if that.

It was by itself, seeming to be the last of a complete litter. "Clementine. She's six weeks and is the last of her bunch. We found them in a small box near the ferry. Clem was the only one with her tail cut off."

Meredith focuses on the small nub wagging eagerly. Clementine stands on her hind legs and claws at the metal cage bars. She pokes her index finger through the gap. The puppy is exultant to greet her with a giant _lick!_

"Amy did say she would help out..." Derek chimes from the background. Amelia gave her two cents on the situation and boasted the idea of an animal much to Meredith's dismay primarily.

Now, with little Clementine gazing at her with those giant brown eyes, it was increasingly difficult to divulge a no. "You're not helping." Meredith mumbles to her husband.

A snicker elicits from his lips and she twists to face him. "How on earth did this day go from you scrubbing in on a surgery to our entire family in an animal shelter?"

"We aren't normal, Mer." Derek retorts. She shoves his shoulder but only slightly. Feeling Ellis tug on the material of her jeans, Meredith tips her gaze to the toddler.

"Pease' mommy! I got owie! We take care of cem!" Ellis' childlike tone was doing the most to urge Meredith into giving in. She despised that her daughter inherited Derek's pleading gaze. She was a complete sucker for those big blue eyes.

"Mommy please, Elle, Bails, and I will help out. We really want a puppy." Zola begs. It seems that all three children have learned a thing or two from their father. Even Zola who wasn't blood related to Derek mastered the perfect pleading expression. Bailey too who captivated Meredith's green orbs gave off a similar Derek beg.

Meredith silently told herself it was Thatcher's horrid presence that made her cave. Not only did they adopt Clementine but now all five were loading in truck loads of goodies from Pet Smart into the house. Even Ellis who normally succumbed to slumber during long car rides was a bucket of energy.

"We're home!" Meredith called to anyone that was there.

Maggie suddenly trickled down the stairs, her attention immediately grasping on the new addition. "When did you guys get a dog?" She asks. Her sister kneels to scratch Clementines furry ears and stroke her golden back.

"Just now." Derek grins. "Meet Clementine or Clem. The newest Shepherd-Grey."

"Mer I thought you said no dog, _ever."_ Maggie wiggles her brows.

She groans, flopping into the oversized loveseat. Derek's hands grapple at her shoulders. He kneads the knots. "I had a bad day. Like really bad. And Ellis got hurt at school. She asked for a prize in the most cherubic tone she could muster and BAM! Now we have a dog with a nub for a tail."

Kicking off her boots and slinging her jacket over the ottoman, Meredith nestles deep in the chair. She's exhausted. But her spirits were generally lifted from what they'd been a couple hours prior. Derek continues his ministrations with the delightful shoulder massage. Her children were all consumed on the rug with Clementine, setting her new dog bed up.

"Der, can you make me another grilled cheese?" Meredith whispers.

He chuckles. "Hungry?"

" _Very."_

Derek leaves and Maggie sits by Meredith's feet. "I'm guessing the Thatcher thing didn't go well?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith grumbles.

Stroking her sisters knee, Maggie whispers, "If you decide that you do, I'm here. Amelia is here somewhere or she will be. Call Alex or email Cristina. Derek is always here too. You have a support system, Mer. We are here for you."

Meredith cracks a warbled smile. "I know. If I learned anything from my visit with him today it's that I do have people. I used to think blood made a family which sometimes it does. But a lot of the time you just need people who give a crap about you."

Derek re-emerges. On a larger plate sits six grilled cheese sandwiches. Each oozing with cheese. "Like him?" Maggie smirks, averting her attention to Derek.

"I made everyone a grilled cheese. Myself included. I know it's shocking Meredith so don't kill over." The kids rush over and pluck a sandwich from the ceramic plate. They much and crunch without abandon, Derek and Maggie too. They soon get lost in conversation regarding Catherine and how the surgery went.

Meredith doesn't chime in. She's contempt snacking on her grilled cheese and watching the scenes around her unfold. This was her family. These were the moments she was going to remember until her last breath. No matter what Thatcher did or didn't do, he was unimportant.

Meredith has a village and a _damn_ good one at that.

* * *

 **The ending of this chapter was a lot of fluff but I need my MerDer fix too you know.**

 **Some of you ask why I add scenes that I do or why I go in a certain direction. The purpose of this story is to follow (most) of the season 15 plot lines so if you don't watch I get why it's confusing. I don't typically write word for word the season 15 episodes I usually only take an idea from each episode and apply it to the story. This chapter I did use a couple of lines from the episode but added my own flavor to them.**

 **I didn't like what Grey's did with the Thatcher and Meredith storyline. I feel like he was an awful dad to her and didn't deserve to even be seen in the first place. The episode had them kind of makeup and then he died which I found random and wasteful. As you can see, I didn't kill him off here so this storyline for me personally isn't finished.**

 **The next couple chapters will be holiday themed maybe and of course we are diving into this whole Derek being on a magazine cover thing. I thought it might be fun. The episode that follows this one is where Meredith and Depuka (see what I did there?) get together so I promise I will supply a lot of MerDer.**

 **I hope you like the name Clementine! Patrick Dempsey has a frenchie in real life named that. Also I picked golden retriever because when I asked on my Instagram a lot of you suggested it.**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed and that this story brings you some sort of solace in this dark time. I love MerDer and I don't think I'll ever stop loving them. Thank you again and please leave a review of your thoughts they mean the world!**

 **Have a great day guys.**


	14. Change

**Welcome back to another chapter everyone! I've been without WiFi the entire weekend and today up until maybe two hours ago so I was unable to work on this chapter.**

 **I'm sorry it's late and I'm hoping it won't happen again. I don't want to keep you guys waiting with a long authors note guys so I'm gonna go ahead and give a thank you to those who reviewed and move on to the chapter.**

 **Thank you so much to, aleanitston11, Lina, jalinsod, TeamMerDer4ever, Leann Nickerson, ella423, MerDerfreshair, dempsxys, Merdermcfamily, patsy, CrackedupVAMPIRE22, Kaput76, Your Fan, all the guest reviews, and everyone who reviewed on social media and my other outlets!**

 **Also, a shoutout to vballr217 for input on this chapter thank you so much.**

 **Remember any mistakes are my own! I do my best to spell check and correct grammar but I don't always catch everything.**

 **Remember to leave a review and here's onto the chapter!**

* * *

Nausea crept deep within Meredith's belly. Her throat burned, bile threatening to overflow by the tiniest of triggers. It was increasingly difficult to keep her focus on charting her patients.

A feral groan elicits. She shucks her fingers up and over her forehead, migrating the longer digits into her messy blonde locks. Strands and bits seem to fall from the black elastic hair tie which was doing a pitiful job at keeping her hair locked in place. Meredith yearned to leave the hospital and go home. Lying in her oversized bed with a warm blanket sounded marvelous.

Except she was on call. Even if not a single trauma fled in, Meredith was not permitted to leave. Maybe if she poked at Alex he might allow her the saving grace of an early exit. But a part of her was nearly afraid to ask. Mostly because of why she might be nauseated in the first place.

 _She was late._ Really freaking **late**.

Taking birth control seemed to be a gamble. Because while it is efficient, sometimes not always effective. This was proven true when Bailey came along five years ago and then Ellis popped in without trying. She favored the substance over condoms. Feeling more connected to her husband without the latex barrier.

For the last few days, Meredith did her best to convince herself otherwise there was no baby swimming happily in her womb. She still _had_ a hostile uterus even after two Shepherd children. Derek and she had only been having sex for a little more than a month. Being pregnant would just come with a load of unwanted stress anyways.

It's not that Meredith didn't want babies with Derek. She relished the three they had now. But her life was a hectic mess at the moment. Another kid may trigger a meltdown of some sort.

Things were finally sinking into place since Derek's return. She didn't want to ruin that by adding a fourth baby into the mix.

The words and lines appeared smudge to her naked eye. After countless occurrences re-reading the patient history, the sentences morphed into messy blobs of incoherency.

God, Meredith really wanted to head home.

The work day was boring enough as it was. Now that Catherine was out of surgery, Derek served no purpose to be at the hospital other than physical therapy. Today was his 'day off' from that and as much as she relished he was now able to stay home with the children, it did get lonely when they weren't sneaking kisses in the halls or watching surgeries from the gallery.

Meredith swallows hard. Her stomach refuses to quit its tumble. Fortunately, Christmas decorations scattered every inch of Grey-Sloan meaning the fragrance of peppermint was heavy. It was the only tranquil scent keeping her lunch from traveling upward.

"You look like crap." Jo appears, Alex following not far behind. Concern wipes the new attending's expression.

Meredith shuts off the iPad. No use in filling out the chart when her brain couldn't focus long enough to form a simple sentence. "How kind of you to say." She mumbles.

Alex curls an arm around Jo's shoulders. "She's right. Dude, you look rough."

Jo's ring glimmers against the stark hospital lighting. Usually Meredith finds the jewelry beautiful but right now it's causing her one hell of a migraine. The blinding sheen of her own ring doesn't help matters.

Before she's able to prepare any kind of defense, Link strolls in behind her. "Hey, you aren't looking too hot. Everything alright?"

"Yes I know! I look like ass! Thank you all for making that crystal clear." Meredith growls.

"Someone didn't get their scheduled ride on the McDreamy express this morning I see." Alex snickers.

Meredith widens her irises. She's prepared to go in smack the ever living snot out of her person until Link grips each of her arms to keep her hostage. "Let's not murder the chief of surgery, okay?" Link suggests.

"I have been nauseous all night and day I will freaking throw up on you multiple times." She manages to struggle out of Link's grip. No, Meredith doesn't clobber Alex but a piece of her still wishes to do so.

Something strange laces Jo's expressive orbs. "You're nauseous?" She asks.

"Yeah, I threw up a couple times last night. I think there's a bug maybe going around the hospital." She replies softly.

"Mer, could you maybe be pregnant?"

It was that specific statement churning her belly. There was no way she could be carrying a child. "No." Meredith gulps back burning bile.

The group of friends fizzle to a quiet. Each of them shoot her a concerning gaze. "What's with the looks?"

"Seriously, do you think you could be pregnant. What are your symptoms?" Jo questions soft enough to keep subordinates from picking up on the gossip.

"I-I don't know. I just feel nauseous and bloated. I'm tired." She addresses.

"When's your next cycle?" Jo questions.

"I'm late." Meredith grunts. It was the single factor of this equation reeling her mind into the gutter and brimming it with nonsense that a child may possibly be living inside her right now. "But I can't be pregnant, can I? Derek and I only started having sex maybe a month ago."

Alex's face contorts. "Maybe it's _DeLuca's._ " A chuckle follows the disturbing reply but the joke doesn't sit well with Meredith in the slightest.

Now she _really_ does desire to hurl. "Don't fucking say that." Heat pops and sizzles at her cheeks.

"You're the one that just said you weren't pregnant." He argues. The anger in his expression drips. She's sure he's caught a glimpse of the tears now flooding her emerald optics.

That thought never once crossed Meredith's mind when deciphering if this was merely a bug or a baby. It was her brains natural response to accumulate it be Derek's. Except, was it actually? There was no possible way she would be showing symptoms such as these at max four weeks?

Would she?

That notion triggers Meredith to flee the scene. Searching for a bathroom to spill the contents of her belly in. She thinks maybe, during her manhunt for a restroom, an intern or possibly a nurse might have been shoved from her way.

Falling to her tiny knees, Meredith grips each side of the porcelain throne. The blonde gagged, upchucking the turkey sandwich she forced down an hour earlier. Tears sail down her steaming skin. She couldn't terminate the salty droplets from falling now.

When her puke digressed to bile, Meredith slid her back down unsteady gray bathroom stall. Her forehead finds a comfortable home against her knees. The rest of hair spills from the elastic struggling to keep the locks intact.

Meredith cries. Sobs. Gasps for air.

If it was true and she was in fact pregnant, Meredith might as well kiss her marriage goodbye. There was no possible way Derek would be okay in the slightest with Meredith carrying Andrew DeLuca's child. She could picture him walking off now. Packing a bag and never returning.

The nightmare she feared everyday since her return could possibly become a reality by tomorrow. That was... horrifying in every way imaginable.

Perhaps Derek leaving her would label him as a coward. She would never forgive him but in a way could understand his point of view. If Alice, the woman he hooked up with back in London, came to Seattle with news she was expecting his baby, Meredith could picture herself erupting into bits.

She's too consumed by her tattered emotions even recognize the bathroom door opened. Jo's gentle tone lulls her from the nightmare.

"Meredith." She speaks and her tone echoes along the walls.

Coughing, Meredith rubs her eyes, tinges of dried mascara crumbling on her fingertips. "Please just leave me alone."

A sigh brims the area. "Alex wanted to come in but I told him that he was a guy and that would totally be frowned upon waltzing into the women's bathroom and two I was sure you might attack him."

Had Jo been optimistic Meredith might laugh at the commentary? Because truthfully not even a smile cracked at her lips.

"Look," her friend whispers. "If you're pregnant and it's DeLuca's, it won't be the end of the world. If Derek loves you the way he says then he couldn't leave you for it."

Meredith refuses to hither a response.

Sighing again, Jo's sneakers tap against the tiles of the restroom floor. Back and forth to her shoe souls. Meredith watches from the opening under the stall.

"Alex wanted to me tell you that you're off the clock. He said he can't have you running around, puking in patients, and plus you're a mess. His words, not mine!" She clarifies quick.

On shaky legs, Meredith stands. Flushing her puke, pushing a hand through her mussed tendrils, and adjusting her lab coat, the lock clinks and Meredith finally exits her confined spot.

"Please don't tell anyone." Meredith asks, desperate.

Shaking her head firm, Jo reaches for Meredith's hand. "No, of course not. I would never say anything."

Tears accumulate. "I'm going to go home and wait for Derek. He's probably picking up the kids from school. I'll tell him the situation and I hope he'll sit with me when I take the test, his baby or not."

Jo leans forward to capture Meredith in her awaiting arms. She hugs her and cocoons Meredith perfectly. The fragrance of her vanilla body wash pricks Meredith's nostrils. It soothes her.

"Call me if you need anything. I know what it's like to be terrified thinking you're pregnant. I was eighteen, squatting over a plastic stick, and crying the entire time. It was negative, but the experience was hell." A sense of comfort washed over Meredith. Knowing there were other women in this world going through the exact situation she was or had been through it was enough to make her feel somewhat alright.

"Thank you." Meredith's palm applies pressure to Jo's spine. She sniffles quietly and the two exit the women's restroom in silence.

GA

The home was quiet. Aside from the patter of his children's feet as they ran to the playroom, silence encapsulated the vicinity.

Meredith's Lexus promptly parked in the driveway immediately threw him a curve ball. Her shift wasn't scheduled to end until maybe seven? Not completely sure of the time but was certain she being home at 2:30 was irregular.

Immediately he grew alert and concerned. _Was she alright? Had something happened? Why did she not call him?_

Derek flocked the keys to his porsche on the coffee table. Slinking his coat off, hanging it on the rack, he makes a rapid dash for the stairs. Of course, as quickly as his legs would allow. Scrabbling through the languorous corridor to the room he shared with his wife.

The view in his vision caught Derek's breath in his throat. Meredith curled around a pillow on his side of their bed. Dressed in nothing but a t-shirt of his and some mismatched socks. Clementine lay at her feet, the dogs smaller chin propped by her ankles.

His wife was out cold. Not even a hint of a snore erupted from her cavern. Concern washed him. When she was truly exhausted, Meredith fell into a deep slumber. So far encapsulated by fatigue that not even the sounds akin to trucks passing in the night exuded.

Derek's heart tightened.

A pile of dirty scrubs, some underwear, a bra, and her old converse lie by the ottoman at the end of their bed. _I'll get it later_ Derek's subconscious notes. It was evident she didn't feel well. The last thing he wanted was to placate a laundry load on her.

His weight dips the mattress. Clementine lifts her head from Meredith's feet, flashes him a glimpse of her teeth with a large yawn, and skips off the bed in a beat. The last Derek sees of Clementine is her stump tail wagging by the threshold before disappearing completely.

Their dogs ruffle is enough to stir Meredith. Her nose twitches, lids flutter. Her snores quiet to a mere mumble of disoriented words. A grin accumulates watching her smack her lips.

Derek presses his thumb to her thigh and strokes rhythmically. "Hey." He whispers, loud enough to poke her attention. It's when she shifts he notices the pale complexion of her usually beaming flesh. His hand crept up her thigh, over her belly, to her neck. A cauterizing burn met his fingertips.

Meredith was sick. Derek's chest tightens at the notion.

"You're back." She croaks, barely loud enough to prick his eardrum.

He nods in response. Shuffling, Meredith struggles to sit upright. Derek notices the strands of blonde hair pasted to her forehead and neck. Beads of dew pricked at her hairline. Her cheeks were flushed.

Derek leans forward to slick her hair back. Just before his lips meet hers, Meredith pushes him off. "You don't want to do that." She warns. "I have vomit breath."

When his eyes crescendo like saucers, his wife presses her hand to his shoulder. "I'm fine. I only got sick a few times since coming home but I showered and I've been asleep every since." Her tone thick and laced with hints of recent slumber.

"God, Mer, sweetheart why didn't you say anything?" It was rare Derek used pet names with her. Usually all they gave were each other's full names or the shortened version anyhow. Sometimes, he threw in a love, darling, or _dear_ just to crack a chuckle between them. This time he meant his words in all seriousness.

Derek notes the way her body tenses. Something is _not_ right. "What?" He asks.

"We need to talk." She mumbles. Meredith intwines their fingers together. He meets her gaze to find larger tears permeating the space of her vividly green irises

Every worst case scenario flooded his brain. Being a surgeon tended to make him over analyze even the tiniest of things. It was a give and take. Unfortunately knowing everything and whatever it was his wife was in need of exposing, being a doctor told him exactly what to expect.

"Did you find out something?" He gulps.

She shakes her head to respond. "No I'm, not ill. I think I could be pregnant."

Why on earth was that a bad thing? Derek loved children especially their own. "Why do you think you're pregnant?"

"Because I'm late!" She snaps. "I'm puking, I'm warm, and my period is _so_ freaking late."

"Meredith, if you're pregnant we are going to figure out. We _always_ figure these things out. You know I will love this child with every inch of my being. We can do this. If it's your work that worries you I know Alex will help you find a schedule that we can oblige by. Even if I start working regularly again in January, I'm going to have more free time. Mer, we could be having a baby. This isn't something to shed tears over." Derek murmured before wiping her tears away.

Meredith started to cough, emotion overpowering her tiny frame. "Derek you don't understand!" She sobs.

Derek brings her into a hug. Her head falls onto his shoulder. Meredith's body trembles. "Meredith I'm here. If you're worried about miscarrying, we are going to talk to Connie and get you the best care possible. I know pregnancy is terrifying for us. But I am going to support you the entire time. It's okay, I'm here."

"Will you still be here if the baby isn't yours?"

His muscles coil dissonance. Initially his response is laughter. That was obviously a joke, right? "Yeah, okay." Derek chuckles half heartedly. "I'm sure it's triplets too."

Her body sags away. He's met with a stone cold glare. "This isn't a fucking joke." Meredith hisses.

Derek retreats backward. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't you understand that we haven't been having sex long enough to make a baby? Whether you choose to believe it or not I was screwing DeLuca, **a lot** , before you showed up. There's a highly likely chance that this baby could be his. Why do you think I was horrified to tell you?" She bites back.

Derek sees red. Fiery, burning, blood hued red. That thought never once entered his mindset. The mere idea of his wife carrying another man's child was nauseating. May he add a man Derek found repulsive in every aspect possible.

"Why were you having sex with him without protection?" Derek gulps.

"What? I wasn't- that's what you take from this?" She asserts, clearly angered by the response.

Derek strips himself from the bed. Ferociously, he strikes a hand through his mane of wild raven curls. Sweat beads at the base of his neck. "If you think you're pregnant with that losers baby, then yes, the first thought that came to mind was you were having unprotected sex with him!"

Her eyes widen. "I was on fucking birth control and he wore freaking condoms! I'm not an idiot!"

"Well you're sure as hell acting like one sleeping with men ten years younger than you are and getting _pregnant_ by them."

Meredith scoffs. "I can't fucking believe you right now! You really just said that didn't you?"

"What am I supposed to say Meredith?" He questions. Pacing between the bed and their dresser. "What am I supposed to think when you tell me you're pregnant with another man's baby! How do you think that makes me feel?"

Meredith's face flushes crimson. "I haven't even taken a test yet I don't know if I'm pregnant or not! You're making a big deal out of something that probably isn't real."

Derek glances at his shoes. "Well you know what? I don't want to be here when you do." He says.

He watches his wife sink back into the mattress. Her knees fold up at her chest. "What?"

"All I know is that if you take that test and it's positive I won't be able to control myself. Not to mention if it's positive, it's his, and you decide to keep it. That's not my choice to make but I sure as hell get to decide if I want to be there or not and right now I just can't." Maybe that makes him a crappy husband but in the moment he can't find the strength to care.

A tear slinks down her cheek. "You're saying you'd leave me if the baby was his?"

"I'm saying," Derek wipes his wet eyes. "I can't even picture myself being supportive of a baby you made with another man while I was gone. With a man that claimed some part of you loved him and I know you say you didn't. But come on Meredith, if you're pregnant with his child then maybe fait wants you to be. I love you but I can't be here."

"Then go." She announces. "If I'm pregnant and the baby isn't yours then you can happily leave. With everything that I've been through the one thing I know is that I'm strong. I'm so fucking strong and if I decided to keep this child I can get through it without _you._ So leave. I don't want you here." Her voice is cynical. Pain laces her spiel.

Derek doesn't reciprocate but instead walks away. His heart is truly in pieces. How much more could he possibly take? Life seemed to throw endless bouts of hardships his way and no matter how many time he caught the ball, he was brimmed by more fouls than home runs.

* * *

The countertop is a cold compress to his heated cheek. The sound of glass clinking pricks his ear but doesn't do enough to lift Derek's head. "Double single malt scotch. You sure you don't want something stronger?" Joe the bartender questions. He was a man Derek recollects visiting often many years ago. Especially with Meredith or to _escape_ his wife after a gruesome fight.

Derek was going with the latter this time. Usually when his anger got the best of him he would head back to Grey-Sloan and work off some steam. Maybe Mark would come around and taunt Derek over how whipped Meredith had him. Sometimes Owen came around and shared his similar struggles with Cristina _or_ Amelia in later years. A good, long surgery was usually the ticket. Except Derek was out of a job until January and even then surgery lasting more than a few short hours.

The bar won this round. A stiff drink to boot but even now the amber liquid staring back at him didn't look appealing enough to swallow.

"No." Derek answers after minutes. "I have to drive home or somewhere in a little bit." _Somewhere_ seemed liked the better option. After his brawl with Meredith Derek wasn't sure if he even _wanted_ to go back. How could his wife not take his feelings into account?

"Are you going to mope the entire time or are we going to throw back a couple drinks?" Link's speaks.

Yes, Derek asked him to come. Link was his friend weirdly enough. Once the guy moved past shell shock Derek was still breathing, he was actually a good person to be around. They had similar interests. Ironically enough Derek's _wife._ He could get past that though. Link and Meredith never even having been on the date made it easier to process.

Link seemed to be a go getter just as Derek was. He took pride in his work but he didn't let the chaotic surgeon schedule interfere with having a personal life. They did have different eating habits though. Link consumed absolute junk akin to Meredith where as he did his best to keep a lean diet.

Besides the point, Derek called Link for a tinge of perspective and maybe to just have a friend. "You made it." Derek smiles sadly. He lifts his head from the countertop. "I don't know. I feel like if I drink it'll just make it worse."

He snickers. "Then why did you ask me to meet you at a bar?"

"I don't know!" Derek groans. "It was the first thing that popped in my mind. We can't go to the ferry because it's too far."

"I'll have a beer." Link addresses Joe. "Do you want to cut to the chase or maybe sit for a while and ponder life?"

"Sit and ponder?"

"That's your choice but your marriage dwindles down the drain every second you continue to avoid the problem." He addresses.

Derek scoffs. "You don't even know what she did!"

"I don't have to. I've seen the way you two are about one another. You're willing to throw it away because a fight?" His brows wiggle.

Derek narrows his optics. "Would you be willing to throw _your_ marriage away if your wife told you, 'Hey, so I'm pregnant with a baby that isn't yours!' How would that make you feel?"

Link's skin paled. "She told you that?"

"Yeah. Well, basically. I came home and found her sick. She said there was a chance she might be pregnant and at first I was thrilled." Derek ponders the excitement sifting through his veins initially. Another baby with the love of his life sounded glorious. Except his world crumbled the following minutes when she exposed that DeLuca could be an active participant in the mix. "Then she says, it could be DeLuca's. So I got mad and walked out." He concludes.

Derek grasps at his scotch but barely sips at the amber liquid. The need to numb his pain was excruciatingly high but Derek couldn't bring himself to intoxicate himself to a drunken stupor.

"So you're divorcing?" Link quips.

Derek chokes. "What? All I said was that I left. I couldn't be there with her."

"Exactly." He asserts. "You walked out when times were hard. If you can't handle the plain idea that maybe Meredith could be pregnant then it's more than clear you won't be able to support her if she's pregnant with DeLuca's kid."

"Well now you just make me sound like a jackass."

Link sips at his beer. The substance building at the long necked bottle before flooding back down the barrel. "You're kind of acting like one." He snorts. "All I'm saying is that Meredith thought you were dead for three years. Neither of you can help that. You're not so mad that Meredith could be pregnant but you're upset it's by a guy you can't stand. You still can't move past the fact Meredith was with other men in your absence."

Link held a valuable point. A point that no matter how hard Derek tried, there would always be that tinge of jealousy lingering deep. He had no right. Not a single reason to feel jealousy for Meredith's actions. She deserved to be happy in his absence. It was simply difficult to process those excursions she had might disrupt their marriage now.

But that wasn't Meredith's fault. She did not know he was alive. No one did. Not even himself in a strange sense.

"Every time I think about him with her, my chest gets tight. Thinking about Meredith loving him kills me. That arrogant ass' hands all over her, seeing her naked, loving her in the way only I should be allowed. To just think he could have gotten my wife pregnant is nauseating. Because she's my wife. No one else's." His eyes sting. A shaky breath release's.

"I know it's hard." His friend offers. Link's palm touches the thick fabric of Derek's coat. "But for what it's worth, when I was around when you weren't, I can fully say Meredith was not in love with him."

Derek sniffles. "Are you just humoring me so I'll do the good guy thing and go back home?"

Link laughs. Shaking his head, he begins, "No! Seriously, she used him for sex. It was amusing really. He was almost like a dog and she was his bone. But it was always on Meredith's terms whenever they did anything. I'd watch them go in on-call rooms, get it on for fifteen minutes, and then Meredith would scurry off."

The pressure residing within Derek's chest lessened. It was comforting to have an outside witness assure him there was nothing extreme happening between them. "Sounds like Meredith." Derek snickers.

"At the end of the day, you're still the love of her life. If she's pregnant and it's his baby that doesn't change how she feels about you. Both of you are just too stubborn to admit that." He says.

Derek blushes. "I am not stubborn." He divulges.

Link only shakes his head at the commentary. "We've only been friends for a little while and I know for a fact you and Meredith are the most pig headed people on this planet." He sighs. "Just get over your crap. Don't let what you have with her go to waste over an imaginary kid."

"And if the child is real?"

"Then hold her hand and tell her it's going to be okay. That's what you do."

To love each other, even when we hate each other.

Derek's reminded of the night their chances of getting Zola back were slim. Meredith breaking down in the resident's lounge tore his heart in two. Even then he had been furious over the situation. Except he stayed. Derek rubbed her back and held her hand. They held hands the entire way home.

Because that is what you do.

"Fuck, I'm the worst husband on the planet." Derek groans.

"Pretty shitty but not the worst." Link winks.

Derek rolls his eyes but cracks the tiniest of grins. Their time in the bar reminded him much of when Mark was still around. Since his best friends passing, Derek had been unable to replenish his spot. Not that anyone could replace Mark Sloan. But it felt nice to have a new friend that cared about him in the way Mark did. Owen's never been that person for Derek.

He is grateful people like Link are around to tell him what he needs to hear.

He slaps some cash on the bar countertop, most likely more than the drinks were worth. Albeit Derek's in a hurry to get home and make up with his wife. "I have to go before Meredith locks me out of the house for good." He jokes.

"Just climb through the window." Link says. "And hey, at least there will be hot makeup sex after the fight."

Derek's face burns. "Sure."

He's gone in a dash.

GA

Meredith strummed her fingers across lavender gown Zola was donning. She sat poignantly next to her whilst her daughter read allowed 'Goodnight Moon'. Bailey and Ellis were comatose by Meredith's lap. They conked a fourth way through the children's story book. That was alright. Meredith relished the quietness.

She needed a dose of this kind of serenity.

Derek never returned. Hours passed since he stormed out of their bedroom. Memories flooded of the numerous brawls they had in their past life. Either one walked out and some time later they would reappear.

She wanted this time to be different. That maybe the infamous Meredith and Derek could calmly talk through a disagreement without someone walking out. Even when the post-it claimed _No Running_ they dashed.

The blue sticky note still rested in Meredith's sock drawer. Guilt flooded her heart when thinking the symbol of their marriage was locked away. Luckily, Derek never asked about it. With his return things had been so chaotic she forgot to take the post-it out of confinement.

Maybe Meredith needed to bring it out of retirement.

The alarm resting at her bedside table read 8:34 PM in bold red lettering. Still no sign of her husband. She had no earthly idea where he could be. Usually in a past situation like this the trailer was his solace. The land was a place Derek got to clear his head and find perspective. Usually he would fish or call Mark over.

Unfortunately his brother was dead and the land was sold.

She thinks the hospital or maybe Joe's bar. She can't imagine Derek drinking alone in a public place. Maybe he called Owen or Link.

It burned her blood that he just left her in a vulnerable spot. Yes, she would be fine without him. That was proven in the three years he was gone. But it didn't mean she wanted him away. This seemed to be on going battle she couldn't find the answer to. Meredith could never decide if she wanted him to go or stay.

"Very good, Zo." Meredith praises softly. Her daughter yawns, indicating that she too will succumb to sleep akin to her siblings. "You ready for bed?"

Zola shakes her head. "When's daddy coming home? I wanna read to him."

Meredith's expression shrivels. She did not have a suitable answer for Zola because she was unsure herself. "Honey, he um, might still be at the hospital." She hated lying, especially to her children. But earlier that night after all three asked why daddy wasn't joining them by the dinner table she needed to fib. She exaggerated he was having a late night physical therapy session after lying he was helping aunty Amelia with something.

She couldn't tell them they were fighting. Their kids just got him back.

"Oh." Zola sighs. Disappointment was evident within her tone.

"Tomorrow." Meredith assures. "Tomorrow night you can read to him." She leans to her left and softly kisses Zola's forehead. She yawns again.

The crinkle of a shopping bag splits Meredith's attention. At the threshold stands Derek, gripping a Walgreens bag, an apologetic smile perched against his cheeks.

Meredith's heart flutters. If it weren't for the sleeping babies curled in her lap she would yell at him or maybe cry. Possibly both.

He doesn't speak. Instead leans over the bed to grab both Bailey and Ellis. "Come on Zo, I'll tuck you in." Derek whispers.

Sleepily, Zola rubs her eyes but does follow. She grabs her book before leaving.

Meredith's belly rolls. She's still suffering the horrid symptoms of her fantasy pregnancy. Meredith nibbled on a little bread during dinner but it reappeared less than hour later. A part of her suspects this nausea has nothing to do with a fake baby or virus.

Meredith spies the dresser. Her chest is tight but she forces her body from the comfort of the bed.

"Meredith." Derek's voice nearly causes her skin to shed. Her hands press the contraband firm to the valley between her breasts. Her back faces Derek.

"Please." He warbles. She listens as the door closes a lock clicks in place. Tears flood her waterline. "I want it." He tries. "I want this baby. If you're pregnant or if you aren't. If the baby is DeLuca's or mine. I want it. I want you. Meredith, you are the only thing that matters. I would do anything and everything to keep you in my arms forever. I don't get to be upset about a relationship you had when I was gone. Please, Mer."

"Stop stealing my thunder." Meredith groans. She turns, the box their post-it lies in nestled in her arms.

His brows furrow. "I'm sorry?" The apology slips more as a question than a statement.

"I was going to do the whole big speech, McDreamy thing. I was going to call post-it…" her cheeks redden.

He bites his bottom lip. "Don't I usually call post-it?" A sliver of a smile threatens to crawl to his expression.

"Yes, exactly! But I wanted to be the freaking dreamy one this time."

"You can be dreamy." He counters with a grin.

Meredith huffs. "Stop smiling I'm still pissed at you."

"Then why were you going to call post-it?" Derek quirks his brows.

"BECAUSE IT'S WHAT WE DO YOU STUPID BRAIN MAN!" Meredith's sure she's flushed. She watches her husband resist the urge to laugh but it only stirs his blood warmer.

He shuffles back to the forgotten Walgreeens bag. His hand strokes her shoulder. His heat breaks her out in a layer of goose. "I'm still mad. You walked out Derek. I told you how scared I was of you leaving and you just left." Her tone drops a few or more octaves.

"I know. There is not a thing I can say to make up for leaving but I am sorry. I am so sorry." Derek replies. "But you understand why I was mad right?"

She gulps. Of course Meredith knows. She herself would be furious. Reminiscing to back when Derek was with Addison, that lingering fear she might one day be pregnant with his child was sickening. But she never lashed out. Maybe to herself in the corner of her bathroom, nuzzling a bottle of Patron to her chest. Albeit never to his face.

"But it doesn't matter." His words disrupt her private thoughts. Derek shoves his hand into the bag and pulls a familiar box out. "I'm in this. I don't want to be the shitty husband that didn't hold your hand and sit with you, waiting for the results. You deserve more."

"You bought me a pregnancy test?" She asks.

Derek snorts. "No a drug test."

Meredith shoves him and he laughs. She too giggles but only a little. "You're an ass."

"Maybe so. But I'm an ass that loves you."

Rolling her eyes, Meredith takes the box and reaches her hand out to Derek. Their fingers fold together. "No matter what happens…"

He reaches out to stroke her cheek. "I'm going to hold your hand, remember?"

Meredith leads him back to their master bathroom.

* * *

 _Negative_

There has been seldom occasions Meredith has ever been as enthusiastic as she was in that moment to see a negative pregnancy test. She took three to be sure. It was humorous while Derek sat on the lip of the bathtub and she peed.

All the tests claimed the same 'no baby' outcome and she was relieved beyond repair. Of course being surgeons that fear lingered pregnancy tests were not always accurate but Mother Nature swooped in to assure Meredith that she was not pregnant whatsoever. Her menstrual cycle _finally_ showed.

Unfortunately, just because her pregnancy was nothing more than a phantom, it didn't mean her pukey symptoms and fever vanished either. She refused Derek's help initially. She used to hate sappy romantic movies when the husband or boyfriend held back their partners hair while they threw up. Meredith despises cliches in general. Except after holding her head over the porcelain thrown for an excessive period of time, the need of someone's hands pushing her locks back was almost mandatory.

Meredith lays on the couch. Derek quarantined their bedroom until the sheets were changed. Not that she was complaining. Downey scented bed linens fresh out the dryer were a marvelous dream.

"I think it's just a bug, Mer." Derek's voice shakes her from sleep.

Sitting up she says, "Probably. A couple nurses have been out sick the past week. They most likely gave me whatever they had after being on my service."

He sits at her feet. Her sock clad toes peek out from beneath the afghan. His fingers massage them absently. "Think you can handle some soup?"

"You made me soup?"

Derek smirks. "Why yes, I did."

Meredith shakes her head. Derek disappears back into the kitchen but she doesn't protest against a meal. She's starved and even if her stomach rejects the contents she will be than glad to consume it anyways.

"Who taught you to cook?" Meredith asks when he returns, hands brimmed by a navy ceramic bowl. Chicken noodle soup floats within. She licks her lips.

"I grew up with four sisters a mother who might as well consider herself a professional cook." He smiles. "You pick up on a few things along the way."

Meredith brings her knees to her chest. She eclipses her toothy grin behind the blanket.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Derek's eyes narrow. "Seriously?"

"I'm sorry. All I can picture is you and your mom standing in the kitchen while she teaches you to cook." Her giggle floods the area.

Derek's rolls his perfect ocean irises. He isn't irritated though. In fact, he looks amused. "Does this fantasy include me in an apron?"

"Oh yes."

"She taught me a few dishes. This soup included but we never had scheduled mother and son cooking lessons or whatever it is that you're thinking." Derek clarifies for her.

Meredith sips the broth from her spoon. "I just think it's cute you took the time to learn how to cook is all."

"I wasn't really athletic in high school, Mer. The only afterschool activity taking up my time was marching band. I had a lot of free time so I cooked. Plus it helped out my mom and I get to help you now because you're a lost cause when it comes to the kitchen."

"Hey! I can cook some." Meredith offers. The chicken noodle soup seems to be playing nice with her messed up belly _for now_.

Derek cackles. So hard that his head falls back on his shoulders and he nearly loses his balance from the couch. "Meredith you burned Zola's pop tart the other day."

"The toaster setting was set too high." She protests.

"And who's fault was that?"

Meredith smirks, continuing to slurp the small doses of soup. "The toasters fault for not being on the pop tart setting." She giggles.

"Right." Derek nods. "Maybe I really should sit down and take the time to teach you how to cook one day. We could start small."

Meredith never learned to prepare meals properly or make something edible that wasn't cereal. The nannies Ellis hired when she was a child prepped breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She never had a mother in the way Derek did. No one to teach her how to make pot roast or chicken noodle soup. She tries to blame the culinary defect on genetics or something but maybe it relies solely that no one ever took the time to teach her properly.

"You're saying you want to stand behind me and whisper instructions in my ear again?" Meredith brushes her toes to his thigh.

He runs his fingers through the thick curls of his head. "That is exactly what I'm saying."

"Hmm, okay. But let's start when I'm a little less pukey."

"It's a date." Derek says sweetly.

"A date." She echoes.

Meredith finishes her soup quickly. For now, it's staying down. After a quick shower and a change of clothes she finds herself snuggled against Derek's warm chest. Her personal heating pad. His fingers massage her lower back to defeat the horrid cramps taking over her uterus.

The post-it sits on the dresser and stares back at her. It's baby blue hue an immediate contrast to its neutral surroundings. "We should re-hang our post-it." Derek mumbles.

Meredith nods slowly. "We should." Her nose touches his jawline. "Thank you for coming back. For holding my hand."

"Don't thank me. I shouldn't have left in the first place. I hate that I do that. I let all my anger build up and instead of lashing out on you I just walk away. I promised you many moons ago that I was always going to show up and I still mean that. Even if I'm going to work on this, I mean that **always**." Derek tilts her chin. His kind eyes pierce her much stormier ones.

"Let's do our best to never go to bed angry again." Meredith murmurs. "No matter how big of a fight we get in, we have to sort it out. No running like the post-it says."

Derek connects their hands. "Mmm, I like that idea." He muses.

"And no more DeLuca talk. Today was the last link connecting him to me. It's you and I now."

"You and I." Derek mimics.

Their lips touch to seal their promise. Meredith grins, wide, brilliantly, against Derek's soft cavern.

They whittle the remainder of their night away stealing kisses and sharing 'I love you's'. This was their new start and Meredith was determined to make every lasting moment count.

* * *

 **Hi everyone. I hope you really enjoyed this chapter. I had this idea in my head for a little bit so I decided to post this here. Again, I'm sorry the update is late. I've been without internet access and was unable to work on the chapter all weekend. Fortunately it's back now and I can easily continue working on future chapters so I thank you for your patience.**

 **I want to mention that soon, I won't be following much of the season 15 storyline. This is mostly because a lot of the episodes that are coming up follow a storyline with DeLuca and Meredith and I don't plan on following that. I will recreate a few Merluca scenes into MerDer for example the entire dinner party at Jackson's thing.**

 **Also, I really like the Amelia and Link pairing. I have a really fun idea that's starting next chapter with that so again, not exactly following the Grey's plot line.**

 **Please leave a review regarding your thoughts, ideas, opinions, and so forth! Christmas chapters are coming up and I really think you guys will enjoy them.**

 **Thank you for sticking with me and MerDer, it means so much.**


	15. Wide Awake

**I know it's been a while and I'm sorry. This chapter was supposed to happen like a week ago and never did. I've been working on it here and there but honestly guys I've been super busy recently.**

 **Not going to go into a whole lot in this AN but I did want to thank everyone who reviewed on the last chapter. A big shoutout goes to, aleaniston11, anyaxstasis, jalinsod, .merder, nourseholly, vballr217, dempsxys, merderfreshair, zajaacLulu, Pat, Your Fan, Patsy, Leann Nickerson, Kaput706, Paola1991, TeamMerDer4ever, ella423, all of the guests, and those on my social media platforms and other outlets. These reviews mean EVERYTHING seriously you have no idea. We are so close to 300 and that is astounding to me. This story would never be published without your support.**

 **Without further ado, welcome to the first chapter of our Christmas arch, enjoy.**

* * *

Derek jolts from sleep at the sound of heel's clacking. Brushing a free hand over his groggy features, he straightens. He fell asleep. Inside the attending's lounge waiting for Meredith to finish changing from her scrubs to street clothes. It was the day before Christmas Eve and the two of them were supposed to be in New York right now.

Except his wife had a surgery. An emergency once that couldn't be performed by anyone other than herself. Derek doesn't mind though. Not when he's cognizant he would have done the same for his critical patient. Natasha Deon was a mess. Having suffered empyema, dead bowel, pneumonia, and a pulmonary embolism, there was no doubt this woman was living off of bought time.

Last night after packing their luggage Meredith's pager brimmed. Natasha was coding because of her dead bowel and Meredith being the lead surgeon on the case meant no one else could perform the surgery. She was insistent Derek go ahead and take the flight with Amelia and their children but he was reluctant about allowing her to fly solo. In the end, all three kids went with his sister and they stayed behind.

Again, Derek couldn't be upset. He himself, _hates_ flying. Knowing his wife despised it as much as he did was enough to keep him back. No one desires attending a flight alone, especially not after the trauma they went through with the plane crash years prior.

A dainty set of fingers comb back his unruly curls. He fidgets, grunting quietly. Derek's eyes pop open and he finds Meredith parallel to his slumped frame. She dons a longer coat alongside a pair of black and white plaid slacks. The turtleneck she wears drapes her narrow, creamy neck to perfection.

Derek smiles sleepily.

"I didn't mean to wake you." She announces quietly.

Shaking his head, Derek says, "I was resting my eyes." He reaches for her hand. It's cold from the recent scrub. Not that he minds anyway.

"You were snoring." His wife snorts, adjusting herself to a spot next to him. Her thigh folds over his knee. Head positioned promptly against his shoulder. Her lips meet the warmer underside of his jaw. It was these moments he relished. The quiet ones when the world was only the two of them.

Derek chuckles. "I don't snore. You on the other hand..." The commentary earns him a playful slap at the shoulder. He fakes an injury by stroking his digits over his clavicle.

"I haven't snored in forever that's an old habit." She rebuttals. The glimmer in her genie emerald optics expels otherwise.

Derek's fingers smooth beyond her wild curly locks, a contrast build between the steamy heat of her skull and the chill of his palm. Their noses brush and lips tease. "You and I both know that's not true." Flashing the tiniest of smirks before their mouths connect. Their kiss begins delicately. Lips waver over one another akin to teenagers experiencing a first time together. Lips quiver and hands shake but the excitement is still prominent. Soon their shivery hold on each other cauterizes and their bodies slacken in tension. She tastes divine. Like watermelon. Did Meredith munch on the fruit before her languorous surgery? He wasn't sure.

Meredith elicits a softer giggle. He uses the opportunity of her mouth popping open to insert his tongue. Quickly, their tongues find each other, only to battle for dominance. He's sure she's running on a post surgery high. He doesn't know when the spark will die down although he isn't complaining.

Their intimacy is shattered by the door opening. Meredith quickly pulls from Derek to find Jo lingering in the threshold. A sneaky smirk is dotted along her facial structure. Derek reddens. "I came to tell you Alex has the staff Christmas gift ready but it seems you two are busy."

Derek is still wonky about people in the hospital in the know about his sex life. He's a private guy. If he desires to share the details about a partnership with Meredith, then he will. But when other people barge in and dissect the scene, he finds himself bothered by the intrusion. It wasn't an embarrassment type of thing. It was more so that what he does with his wife is _his_ business.

"We aren't busy." Derek steps in. He glides the back of his hand over his swollen lips.

"If you two want to have a quickie I can step out. Maybe man the door to make sure no one walks in." Jo winks and follows her statement with a giggle.

Derek placates a tight lipped smile but doesn't feed the conversation. "We weren't going to have sex."

"He's right. We have to get home anyways, we have an early flight in the morning." Meredith appears to have caught onto his flustered state. He's grateful she's able read him in a way no one else can. He loves that she nearly knows him better than he knows himself.

Jo's brow crinkles. "I didn't know you guys were leaving. Where are you going?" She patters further into the lounge.

Meredith dislodges her body from Derek's. "New York. Visiting Derek's family and all."

"Oh that's sweet!" Jo beams with joy. "That must be where Amelia is."

Derek nods swiftly. "Yes, she left with the kids last night. We were supposed to be on the flight with them but Mer had a surgery." He groans to himself when gravity tolls on his body. He does his best to remove himself from the comfort of the sofa without drawing a scene.

The physical therapy was a miracle worker but not completely perfect. It helped him lose the cane, which he was grateful for, but not everything was flawless. He still struggled to get up rapidly after sitting or lying for a languorous time. Pain still jolted in his legs and lower spine at times. There was nothing to be done for his pain rather than medications which he was reluctant to take in the first place.

Surgery was still an open option. Amelia went over the notion with him a handful of times but he always shot her down. He spent three years without his family and now that they were back in his grasp, Derek wasn't seeking to demise that. Surgery could either mean weeks of bedrest and immobilization or worst case scenario actual death. There was no guarantee a spinal surgery would even do anything for him.

For now he'll deal with the tinges of discomfort if it means his life remains the way it is. Maybe there were alternative pain treatments he could try in the future if it ever grew unbearable.

Meredith grabs his hand to help him up. He mouths a silent thank you. His wife retorts with a squeeze of his hand and a glimmering smile. "When do you guys leave?" Jo asks. His hand is still intertwined with Meredith's as they exit the lounge. Doctors dressed in street clothes prepare to leave the hospital. He watches familiar faces sign off on charts and scatter for the elevator.

"Here, take this." Alex Karev pops behind the three of them as they trail for the nurses station. All Meredith has to do is clock out and they're free to leave. The chief carry's a bronze package. Shoving the random object into his wife's arms, Derek in turn takes it from her.

"What the hell is that?" Meredith prods. She twists an arm around Derek's.

"Smells like... ham?" Derek sniffs the product. Not that he needed to. The heavenly fragrance wafts headily from its secure package anyhow.

Alex grunts. "It is ham. It's the staff gift this year. I gave ham instead of some cheap crap they normally give."

Meredith elicits a snicker. "It's a unique choice. I mean, I don't think we've ever had a chief give us cured meat before."

Derek glances to his wife and they share a sneaky glance. "When I was Chief I gave everyone gift cards." He interjects. Meredith snorts. Even Jo giggles at the assertion.

"I did something nice and you're mocking me for it." Alex warbles. "And you were Chief for like ten seconds dude." He adds with a cynical laugh.

"Actually I think I was Chief longer than you, Karev." Derek shoots a tight lipped smirk and they follow him into the nurses station.

"Oh!" Jo nearly jumps. "Did you tell them? We're having a New Years Eve party. Attending's and fellows only. Champagne, little snack-y things on crackers. Very classy."

"How glamorous." Meredith chimes.

"We can't make it." Derek sighs. "I mean we would love to come but we're still going to be in New York."

Meredith folds her arm over her chest. "Yep, the Shepherd's want to take me in as a hostage for the week. If you don't hear from me again, I'd check Nancy Shepherd's basement." She cocks her head to him.

Rolling his eyes, Derek chooses no response is the best kind. Even after nearly ten years of marriage it was evident Meredith was still unsure of family. That wasn't her fault. He couldn't

Meredith breaks away to sign off on Natasha and clock out for the evening. Bailey was insistent on taking over the case until Meredith returned from New York the following week and Derek found himself grateful for her contribution. This was his wife's first time visiting his childhood home. They never made time to head out east before. With their heavy work load the time never permitted.

Link trails forward. A sack in hand and a furry white beard pasted to his chin. Derek resists the urge to laugh. Alex and he share a distinct look. "You dressed as Santa this year?" Derek clears his throat.

Every year, even when Grey-Sloan was still Seattle Grace, one male attending is required to dress as Santa for the pediatric unit. The entire hospital staff pitches in to purchase toys for the children and whomever is Santa that year delivers them. It appears Atticus Lincoln was the poor fool stuck with the job this time around.

Before he's able to retort a response, Jo propagates for him. "Link is spending his evening visiting kids in the cancer ward." Her eyes sparkle at the admission.

"Seriously?" Derek says.

"Seriously." Link sighs.

"Seriously." Chimes Jo.

Derek shakes his head. "I thought this was a Christmas Eve thing."

Link's lips purse tight, he reaches down into his permeated sack of goodies and treats. "It is. I'm doing the cancer ward tonight and tomorrow I visit the peds floor. Want to help out tomorrow, maybe?" A glimmer of hope twinkled beyond Link's blazing blue eyes.

"Can't. The wife and I are heading out to New York tomorrow."

"Damn, does that mean you won't be at Jo and Alex's New Years party?" He asks.

"No. We get back a couple days after the New Year. Sorry, man." He does hate being the barer of bad news.

It had to be frustrating for Link. Derek seemed to be his only male friend thus far since moving to Seattle. He gets it. It was a struggle himself finding male companions after traveling from New York so many years ago. There was Richard and Burke but neither of them truly qualified as friends. As it was, Meredith was the first true friend he made in Seattle.

"You two have fun on the east coast. Take pictures of all the snow." He shoots a sad smile. "Oh, here, have these cookies." His fingers lift a tin of chocolate chip's from the swollen toy sack. The bag was oozing with prizes but its size didn't diminish after the cookies exile either.

Just as fait would have it, Meredith appears instantly at the mention of a sugary treat. Greedily, she's a thieve when snatching the tin. "I love this kind." She murmurs. Her tongue slips hungrily across her lower lip. Derek imagines she'll devour the box during their flight tomorrow.

"They're the best. I have chocolate chunk if you like those too." Link adds.

Derek is more than amused by Meredith quick reaction. She's rapid to respond _yes_ and double up. There was a little to no chance Derek's mouth would even savor a crumb of those cookies if his wife had anything to do with it. She relishes using the "You're a health nut" excuse to keep Derek from munching on sugar brimmed desserts. That label held truth to an extent although specific circumstances he allotted himself a cookie or brownie.

But Derek didn't mind. If scarfing two dozen packs of chocolatey carbs brought her solace then so be it.

"You ready?" Derek concludes as Meredith shoves another gooey chocolate cookie into her permeated cavern.

Nodding fiercely, Meredith asserts, "Yes!" Muffled by the packed sugar and calories.

He grins and takes hold of her dainty hand. Meredith waves goodbye, soon they're off for the elevator.

GA

Meredith Grey still hates planes. Any flying form of transportation, planes, helicopters, jets. Every one ranked within her Metal Death Trap category. She's flown on planes since the crash years ago. Dozens of times. Yet that never diminishes her internal fear.

This was her primitive occasion on a plane with Derek since the crash. Separately, they flew. Her gut roils thinking of all the times he flew out to D.C. back in 2015. It was a flight her husband needed to catch that stripped him from her for three and a half years. But she digresses. Heading into this six hour flight with a heavy conscious would subsequently land her no where good. Maybe she would nap the entire flight. Swallow a couple Benadryl to knock her out.

Yeah, she could sleep.

Christmas Eve at SeaTac was a blizzard of jumbled people bustling to their gates. She snorts to herself witnessing a younger woman nearly body slam a guy to the conveyor belt. The surgeon in her wants to drop her bags and scurry off to the injured man but the good wife piece remains still.

Almost as though Derek was reading her mind, he says, "That guy is fine. Look, he got right back up, grabbed his suitcase, and went straight to his flight." A wobbly smile decorates his cheeks.

Meredith sags at the commentary. "Even if I went over there to help him I'm not avoiding the flight." She defends.

"I never said you were trying to miss our flight." Derek gulps, stretching his arm over her shoulders. "If anything _I_ want to miss our flight."

Confusion wraps Meredith to a stupor. What was that supposed to mean? If anything Derek seemed giddy about spending Christmas in New York with all the Shepherd relatives. If anything she seemed more likely to assert the weariness of being with them.

"You aren't excited to see them?" She frowns.

Shaking his head, Derek sighs. "No, I want to see them. I don't want to get on a plane."

She notices the pale complexion of his skin. The rosy color drains from his cheeks and it causes Meredith's belly to swirl with anxiety. Derek has PTSD. Her husband suffers from anxiety now. He was smashed by a semi on his way to the airport. Entrapped by a body bag in a foreign country. He already despised planes beforehand. After the crash.

Meredith licks her dry lips. "But you had no issues on planes before." She stupidly spits.

"Just because I got on planes doesn't mean I **wanted** to." Derek sighs. Meredith feels ignorant for saying that. She of all people should know what it feels like to fly. Planes terrified her. The last one she went on, of all people Tom Koracick had to calm her.

"The whole PTSD thing kind of adds to the terror." He rebuttals the response with a laugh. The tension in shoulders drains, slightly.

"If you think the plane might trigger an attack we can make other arrangements, Derek." She strokes his arms. Her fingers are met by the soft material of his thick navy sweater. She strums the warmth with her thumb.

Exerting a breath, he says, "No. I can get on the plane. If I could get on one from London to Seattle then I can go to New York. I have something to take if I get anxious."

The last bit of that sentence made her brow knit with curiosity. Before she had time to pester her husband their gate opened and soon they were boarding the flight.

They were riding first class. Kudos to Derek for clipping an aneurysm on the co-founder of the airline company a couple years back. Anytime he flew or she accompanied him, at least their voyage came with a beverage cart and a tiny television.

She took the window seat, Derek the aisle. The plane was barely zipping off the runway and already Meredith could sense the dissonance that trickled over her husband. She imagines this must be a difficult situation for him. Memories come to mind of the pleather of trips he took to D.C a few years ago. Already he would suffer agitation flying after the trauma _they_ underwent on their own plane years ago.

Mix that with PTSD and anxiety, her **own** belly does somersaults just thinking of it.

"Hey, it's just take off." Meredith whispers against his neck. She feels the hairs of his flesh stand up and layer with fresh goosebumps. Their fingers knot together. Derek's palms are clammy and pasty in hue.

"I know." He mumbles.

Meredith strokes his skin. "Is it the being on a plane thing or the being trapped in a confined space thing?" The instance reminds of their time stuck in the elevator back in November.

"Both?" Derek offers. He shifts his head to her and they connect gazes.

"I know this sucks for you." Meredith could never understand exactly what this felt like for him. She despised planes but wasn't suffering PTSD.

Derek was doing better since his panic attack in the elevator that evening. Configuring public episodes wise. Privately, Meredith felt the way her husband tumbled in his sleep. The same nightmares dominating his rest that he insisted were fine. Meredith noticed the sheen on his forehead anytime they road an elevator together or even those escalators at the mall. Was this what PTSD is? Living in constant fear but denying those feelings? Or were things like planes and elevators the only triggers? She didn't know much but wanted to learn more.

He gave no response to her comfort. Not that she expects him to with the sheer panic running his features. "What did you mean when you said something about having something to take?" She says. The airplane rumbles with noise while takeoff commences. She elicits a longer breath of air, lying the hand not entangled by Derek's sweaty digits over her stomach.

"What?" He replies, seeming to have been in some sort of daze.

"You said if things got out of hand or you go all crazy PTSD gorilla that you'll have something."

Derek relinquishes a rigid laugh. "I never said PTSD gorilla." Their thumbs fiddle.

"Tomato, tamato." She wriggles a softer grin.

"Anxious is not PTSD in gorilla form."

"You could become a gorilla if you wanted to." Derek did hold a temper. Even if being anxious was a crappy comparison to the animal she chose, her husband could go full gorilla in other spectrums of emotion.

Derek's raven curls sinks into the seat cushion. With weary optics, sparkling nonetheless, but weary he stares at her. "You have weird analogies."

"I cut people open for a living not teach ninth graders hyperboles and metaphors." She rebuttals, a softer giggle eliciting.

Derek smiles although it's shaky. A languorous silence stretches. "It's Xanax. The thing I have to take is Xanax."

Meredith couldn't see her own face but even she was cognizant her pinker flesh drained gray. Being a doctor came with the knowledge of every medical drug, prescription, and vaccination. The surgeon side of her knew of pain management. She knew about the medications that came after surgery. Patient medical records and the specific drugs they took on regular basis. Medical school and her internship taught her the basics of any and every drug in the medical field. Ranging from those to prevent physical wounds and the mental ones.

Meredith knew about Xanax. Anyone with a brain probably has heard the term before. In her brain she thought of words like crazy, deranged, kookoo's nest! But that was the judgmental person side of her. The physician in her _knew_ better than to hop on conclusions like those. Xanax was given for all different reasons. If he was prescribed the Xanax by Grey-Sloan anyone with a brain there only gave that stuff for short term usage. If Derek needed something prolonged, a psychiatrist such as Dr. Wyatt, would prescribe an SSRI.

She needed to be rational. Freak-outs on planes next to her PTSD husband was **bad**. She couldn't fall apart because then Derek would crumble. MerDer crumbles was an unhealthy solution.

But Derek was smart. His own sister was a drug addict who probably started on substances like Xanax. He was a surgeon himself. Hell, Derek was a freaking pain specialist or _was_ before the semi crash. These drugs were in every abscess of his brain. He wouldn't take it without being sure it was okay.

Except she couldn't help herself but to ask why. "Why did you..." her sentence drifts.

"I thought I'd need it."

She gulps. "Did you write it for yourself?"

Derek's brows crumple in disbelief. "No, God, Mer why would I write myself a prescription for Xanax or any prescription for that matter?"

"I-I don't know." And she doesn't.

"I went to see Dr. Wyatt. A week ago I went to see her and we talked. Our sessions don't start until the New Year but I knew being on a plane would freak me out."

Meredith nods.

"She didn't want to start me on something long lasting like Prozac or Paxil until our sessions start. She said I may not even need them based on what we discuss. She claimed Xanax was good for short term. It'll get me over the plane hump and I won't have to take another one until the ride back." He says quietly.

"Do you feel like you need to?" She wasn't judging him. She simply wants to know.

Shrugging, he sighs, "Maybe. I just feel like if I don't do it soon I'll freak out or the plane will jump and I'll flip. The dosage isn't that much. If anything it'll probably knock me out for the whole ride."

"These could get you high, I mean you aren't used to taking these." Her elbow nudges his side.

"Oh no, I'll be asleep I promise."

She watches him swallow the correct amount and wash it down with a sip of water. Almost instantly he appears more relaxed than earlier. She knew PTSD was a rollercoaster. Meredith remembers the way Cristina struggled with Owen for so many years while he dealt the battle. If a Xanax for a six hour plane ride would keep him from imploding, she was happily supportive.

Besides, if he was going to sleep, so could she.

* * *

Something was poking her. Suctioning the skin of her cheek. It was fleshy and warm. Meredith grumbled something unintelligent, optimistic the object interrupting her sleep would cease.

Except it didn't. The mystery continues its prick.

"Meredith." Her name is _giggled_ in a hot husk against her neck. The speech is slightly slurred and euphoria brims the tone.

Her brain is sluggish in the beginning. She's slow to connect the dots and replies, "What?" In annoyance.

"Are you sleepy?" Comes the voice again.

"Mmm." She murmurs.

Snickering, the voice says, "Well I'm, wiidddeeeee awake."

That's enough to snap her from dreams and into the reality she feared. Her husband literally giggles at her. He leans close to sniff her hair. "Oooh, your hair smells good. What smell is that? Fruit smell or flower smell?"

"Derek..."

"That's my name!" He chortles loud enough that those in economy class probably hear.

Derek's higher than a kite. _Fabulous._

Why had she been gullible enough to think the Xanax would knock him out? His body wasn't used to the drug. He reminds her much of how she was on morphine. Except at the time, Meredith had been high many times before back in college. In his case she can bet Derek never has.

Meredith grabs his arm. "Okay, Derek you have to be quiet."

"I am being quiet!" He shouts.

Those surrounding them give off strange gazes. Elders shoot dirtier snipes. Meredith's cheeks burn with embarrassment. There was no telling exactly how long she was out for and what stoned Derek had been doing in that time.

"Just lower your voice a little, okay?" She whispers.

Derek presses a finger to her lips. "I can be a whisperer too." In a loud _hushed_ voice.

It's almost, humorous. The mature adult in her wants to scold him and keep Derek at bay. But the childish part desires to feed into the games. She's sure he fed into her morphine induced state back when her appendix was coming out. Meredith can practically picture his smirk and witty orbs in her head.

"How many of the Xanax did you take?" She witnessed one but god only knows if he took more.

His face scrunches. "You mean the _happy_ pills that taste like ass?"

Meredith breaks with a snort. "Yes."

"When you were sleeping, I took one more." A devious glint shines bright in his ocean irises. "When I was crunching on them they tasted awful."

She placates her palm across her cavern. "Derek you took another pill?"

"Half." He pinches his index finger and thumb together. "I spit it out, it was awful, Meri! Have you ever tasted those before?!"

Her stomach roils even thinking of chewing on a Xanax capsule. "What did you do with it? The piece you spit out?"

"In here." Lifting the orange container from the corner of his seat she eyes a slimy pill. White residue eclipses the sides of the bottle.

 _At least he didn't lose it_ she thinks. That was a plus. But the half eaten pill makes her nauseas by just looking at it. Meredith makes the executive decision to take the contraband from her husband.

"Hey!" Derek whines. "Those are mine."

Chuckling, she says, "Not anymore. You have had enough of the _happy_ pills for now." Enough forever more like it.

Derek folds his arms over the plane of his chest. "You're lame."

"I'm lame?" She scoffs. She does her best to suppress a feral grin from spreading. "That's a lot coming from a guy who's afraid of eating carbs." Meredith knows he's high. So far gone it's possible he doesn't remember his own last name. She could toy with him and he would never remember.

"I'm not afraid of junk." He protests.

She giggles. "Mmm, sure."

"Hey! Cart lady!" Suddenly he's shouting. Loud and vicariously at the flight attendant roaming down the aisle.

"Derek stop." This isn't what she meant by having fun with him. Disrupting the peace on the first class flight was bad. But her husband was drugged and in his brain shouting was the only way to catch someone's attention.

"She can't hear me, Meri!" He justifies. "I'll eat carbs, I'll show you."

Without warning Derek leaves his seat. He stumbles uncoordinatedly to the open walkway. She does her best to grab Derek by the jeans although it does nothing but accentuate the terrible situation. He falls. Face flat after tripping over her foot.

Primarily she's worried he's hurt himself and the giggly high will shift to something ferocious.

The attendant shifts gears and scurries back to Derek who was still face planted into plane carpeting. "Sir." She murmurs softly. "Are you alright?"

"Derek, are you okay?" Meredith shifts beside him. He turns his head over. Glancing into the dark eyes of the attendant and switching back over to Meredith's green oasis.

Derek snorts. Bursting into unbridled laughter he chortles akin to a mad man. "You guys should see your faces." He giggles. "Meri really thought I hurt myself! Didn't you?" His giant sparkly eyes make her heart flutter.

She releases a breath of relief. "Yeah, I did you idiot." She chuckles breathlessly. Her fingers comb back his curls.

"Sir, I was coming back you didn't have to chase me." The flight attendant intervenes with a smile. She reaches for his hand and helps him from the floor. Their audience is a combustion of enjoyment and disbelief. Some shot dirty looks and others did their best to keep from laughing.

Meredith doesn't care. "Oh. I thought unless I yelled you wouldn't." He snickers.

She wishes to say Derek's high but is certain that comment wouldn't be taken well. Why hadn't he just fallen asleep like he was supposed to?

She glances to find that he's gone. Meredith stiffens while Derek's clumsily waltzing around the aisle, telling anyone he could find his name was Derek and he touched brains for a living.

"No way!" A child's voice pricks her eardrum. Derek's leaning over a boy who looks near twelve or thirteen.

"Mmhhmm, all kinds of _brains._ I stick my fingers in and poof! They're better." He brags.

Meredith reaches for Derek's hand and pulls him from the incriminating scene. "I'm sorry." She's crimson at the admission.

"Meri, what are you doing? I was telling them about how cool it is I'm a fancy brain man." He whines.

"They probably think something is _wrong_ with _your_ brain."

It isn't much of a struggle planting him down into his seat again. She buckles him in but doubts it'll hold her husband from causing more destruction. "I still didn't get my carbs." He blurts, pouting.

Dragging a hand over her face, Meredith leans over to her purse. She stocked up on snacks back at the terminal, fearing anything this plane offered to eat wasn't enough to satisfy her appetite. A bag of Funyuns and some peanut butter M&M's lie low in the dark crevices of her purse. She bought a Diet Coke too.

Normal Derek wouldn't be caught dead consuming objects like these. Especially not in public with bystanders surrounding. _High Derek_ eyeballs her snacks like a famished dog.

"Fine, eat the Funyuns." As humorous she thinks it may be to witness Derek consuming a butt load of chocolate candy, personally she wants the M&M's for herself.

He's grabby with the foil bag. A mouth watering grin encapsulates his features. "I'm so hungry." Says Derek between a mouthful of the crunchy delicacy. "See?" He speaks. "I eat junk too!"

Meredith shucks a few colored M&M's into her empty cavern. "Yes, Derek I see."

She cracks open her Diet Coke. Sipping, she can spy Derek eyeballing her drink. Meredith giggles. "You want some?"

In a hurry Derek snatches the silver can. Meredith's eyes nearly fall from their sockets as he gulps the caffeinated beverage. Derek _never_ drank soda. Maybe he sipped on a Mountain Dew once six years ago? Her brain blanks. He is a health nut who doesn't typically deprive himself. If he wanted something he would eat it but usually stuck to what he knew worked for him.

But chugging Diet Coke felt like overkill. Derek simply didn't drink it. Her fascination oozes while gandering at the scene. "Or just drink it all..." She whispers in disbelief.

Derek releases a gnarly burp and a stupid, drugged laugh. He leans over the armrest. "That was so good."

Meredith crinkles her nose. "Ugh, Derek you have Funyun breath." His breath has smelt worse. Many mornings of halitosis come to mind. But she'll take smelly morning breath over a dead husband any day.

Giggles elicit. "What?" Meredith whispers.

"I have another craving." His breath brushes her earlobe. She shivers.

There's a tinge of carnal want in his tone. If it weren't for the lopsided grin she might have conclude her husband's high washed out.

"What do you want?" She answers, playing along.

Derek snickers. His fingers scrunch over the fabric of her knit sweater. Warmth spreads within her belly. " **You**." His voice a sudden growl. "Now."

"Der, we aren't getting porny in a tiny airplane bathroom." She protests. Mainly because one, they've created a slew of disturbances since getting on the flight and two, he wasn't lucid. She couldn't take advantage of her dopey, drugged, clumsy husband on an airplane. Even if his curls fell perfectly across his forehead or his cologne flared her nostrils.

Right?

Bad thoughts. Horrible, porny images cascaded her brain. They've never done it on a plane before. Anytime they flew together was usually for work purposes or the children were tagging along. It would be their only chance alone...

 _No!_ Her conscious barks. _Keep it in your pants Grey._

"I'm horny, Meredith." Her orbs go wide when his voice rises an octave. Meredith knows people heard that.

"Derek-"

"I'm going to the bathroom. Meet me there in five minutes so it's not suspicious." His whisper is loud and does nothing to conceal his dirty plan. This was a side of Derek she's never witnessed before. Normally her husband was modest and professional. He wasn't a prude by any means but would never willingly announce that he and Meredith were about to have sex.

When he disappears she wonders if he'll just come back if she never shows. But that notion of exhilaration still comes to mind. She has always wanted to be apart of the mile high club.

 _Screw it_ is Meredith's mantra. She opts to leave her seat and follow Derek's lead.

The first few moments are awkward and brimmed by laughter. They struggle to find a spot comfortable enough so that Meredith is tall enough for Derek to reach her.

"Shh." Meredith breathes into his chest. His coordination is off. If Derek were sober she imagines they would already be off in euphoric pleasure by now. Her long blonde locks thrash backward against the wall. She's awkwardly sitting on a puny counter. Most of the space is taken up by a sink and the faucet jabs at her spine.

"Holy-" a breath is caught in her esophagus when he unexpectedly thrusts in. Her nails claw at his neck and left shoulder. His lips pulse and brush near her jugular. She spots her jeans, panties, and boots in a heap near the door. Derek's denim lies at his shins.

She does all that she can to repress a moan. The most she allows herself is a tiny whimper here and there. Her back slams into the wall behind her with every insertion he makes. This was not at all what she expected. Kinky plane sex with stoned Derek seemed implausible. But it was happening.

His cavern was all over her body. His fingers uncovered the fabric of her top to reveal a naked shoulder. Suckling on her fair skin. There would be a mark and she knows it. Meredith hiccups with each raging thrust he makes. Her feet dangle near his backside and she can feels his cheeks tighten against her heel.

A knock startles Meredith but Derek only moves forward. Biting her bottom lip, Meredith squeaks, "Five minutes."

Her orgasm is a whirlwind. Like electric shocks to the body without warning. Derek follows in climaxing. Everything morphs into a blurry haze. She's hot and sweaty now. Her legs feel numb and the last thing she wants is to leave the cool compress of the counter and shamefully walk back to her seat on the plane.

But there's a man waiting on the other side who probably needs to use the restroom unlike herself. She sluggishly reaches for her underwear and pants. Derek moves in slow motion and she ends up helping him re-buckle his belt to save time.

They barge from the bathroom and her cheeks are red like fresh apples. A younger man was waiting and a smirk coats his features. "Sorry." She mumbles under her breath. Although if she were being honest, Meredith wasn't sorry at all.

An older woman shoots them a nasty gaze but Meredith ignores it. "This never happened." She manages to pant when they reach their seats.

"Mmm." Comes a grumble. His head falls perfectly at her shoulder. A Cheshire smile forms. "We should do that again sometime." He says.

"Yeah okay."

Her eyes flutter and soon they sleep.

GA

Derek's head hurts. Similar to the type of migraine he contracts after drinking himself to a stupor or maybe performing a sixteen hour surgery with no food or water. Not so terrible like the first moment he woke up after the coma.

But still a headache nonetheless.

Meredith is gazing at him. Her beautiful emerald irises sparkle like she's hiding a secret or maybe just heard some awesome news. The way they shimmer in the operating room or after a quick love making session in the on-call room.

They make him smile.

"There you are." Her voice low.

Derek wipes his face. "Hmm, are we there?"

"Yeah, just waiting for them to release us. Are you Derek again?" She asks.

Derek's brow rises. What did that mean? "Huh?"

"Are you Derek? And not giggly high Derek who eats Funyuns but my Derek who likes salads and private sex in our bed."

He rips himself from her body. He blinks because maybe he misheard what she was interpreting. "What are you talking about?"

Her eyes shine brighter. "Oh my god, you don't remember do you?"

"Remember what?" He questions. He was asleep. The entire flight the Xanax knocked him out or was supposed to... crap, crap!

"You were high, Derek. Like super high. Me on morphine high."

Derek pales. "No, I slept the whole time."

Shaking her head his wife stares, "No you weren't. In fact you woke _me_ up."

"What did I do?" Derek asks.

"You did what stoned people do."

He remembers a lot of the stuff Amelia used to do when she was out of her mind. In the beginning it was harmless things. She would giggle and want chocolate coated pretzels to eat. Sometimes if she was smoking pot, Mark would join in with her and they would both tackle a jumbo bag of chocolate pretzels together. Albeit as time went on her friendship with the pot and pills no longer was funny. She became a danger to not only herself but others too. When she crashed his Mustang Derek realized that what Amelia was doing wasn't teenage angst but a disease.

Derek vowed to never get on what Amelia had. For not just his sanity but his families too. "I shouldn't have taken those." Derek blurts, grimacing.

He feels Meredith stroke his shoulder. "Derek, you did barely anything. It was cute actually."

"I don't want to take them again. They were supposed to knock me out not get me..."

"What you did isn't anything like Amelia. You have a disease Derek. Somethings wrong. You went through something horrible." She claims.

Derek shakes his head. "Amelia went through something horrible too. She watched our dad die. It fucked her up so hard she got addicted and nearly killed herself. I don't want to be the PTSD lunatic needing Xanax to feel okay while I waltz around out of my mind!"

"Stop it." She snaps. "You aren't some pill addict. A doctor prescribed you those. This isn't like your sister who stole drugs and took them without knowledge. You were safe. No one was hurt. It's okay if you need something to help you on a flight. That doesn't make you a drug addict. You not wanting to take them is good. Just relax."

He was being dramatic and it was stupid. He felt stupid. Meredith was right he wasn't Amelia. "I didn't take them to get high." He tells her.

"I know." She kisses his shoulder.

"How bad was I?"

Meredith giggles. "Oh well, you told the entire plane you were a fancy brain man and that you were horny."

"Us having sex in the bathroom wasn't a dream, was it?"

Shaking her head no, Meredith sighs. "Nope but that one was kind of on me. I let us have naughty plane sex." She says. "Surprisingly, you're still excellent at what you do, even high." Her voice purrs.

"Oh my god." He chuckles.

"You drank Diet Coke too."

"Really?"

She nods. "Yep, the whole thing."

"We don't have to tell anyone about this do we?" Derek sighs.

The pilot addresses that passengers are now able to leave. People begin to shuffle and make their way off the plane. "I don't know, it is excellent blackmail material." She grins.

He playfully shoves her arm and moves from his seat to grab their bags from the carryon compartment.

They exit the plane with his arm stretched over her shoulders while listening to the horrors of his high experience, strolling off into their first trip in New York together.

* * *

 **Okay so I've spent SO LONG trying to write this chapter. I don't know what it was. It's like I physically could not write for this no matter how hard I tried. I don't hate it but I feel like it could have been better. I think I'm just trying to get over the Christmas and holiday hump because I have something special planned for the following year.**

 **Next chapter re-visits the Shepherd's and no I didn't forget about the fight Kathleen and Derek had back at Thanksgiving either. I was trying to wait for Amelia's centric episode to come out but it got too long so I'm probably just going to go ahead and write my own thing.**

 **This chapter was an easier one. Nothing really dark considering Merluca physically makes me want to cry in the worst way possible. I hate how non Meredith she is around him it makes no sense at all to me personally.**

 **I'm writing a few one shots right now AND an update for Pick Your Poison is coming after almost two years so get excited. Thank you guys for your support and love it means everything. Please leave a review those really inspire me guys.**

 **Thank you again and happy reading!**


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